If Heaven Had Cheese Fries

by Stephanie Staudinger

  Matt noticed. “Dead phone?” He suddenly reached out and grabbed my arm. I forcefully pulled away, which sent my phone flying into a nearby ditch.

  “Seriously?” I screamed. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I took off both shoes, setting them down as I tiptoed around the edge of the ditch, fully prepared to crawl in when something yanked me hard from behind. Matt had his arms locked around me as he dragged me away from the ditch

  “Get the fuck off me.” I kicked my feet, making contact with his legs, but if he noticed, he showed no sign of it. I should have kept my shoes on so as to have something to fight with.

  I tried again, but he was stronger, and I was cold, very cold. He was dragging me towards the backseat of his car. “Matt, what the hell are you doing?” This time I was pleading with him.

  Up close, I could smell the strong scent of cinnamon whiskey mixed with aftershave.

  “I’m trying to help you.” He wasn’t trying to help me, he was trying to push me into the back seat, but I refused. I locked my arms so that I was pushing off against the sides of the vehicle. He’d have to break them off if he wanted to get me in there.

  “You’re hurting me.” I couldn’t push off any longer.

  “And you’re hurting me.” His voice was sad. “All I’ve ever tried to do was help you since the moment I met and fell in love with you.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  He let out a deep sigh and loosened his grip a little, but he kept his arms around my waist, making it impossible for me to run. “I don’t know. Love at first sight or whatever. Who cares. You never seemed to.”

  “I don’t need your help, Matt. We can talk about this later.” I angled my head up, hoping to see his eyes and get a read on what his thoughts were. He stared down at me, unblinking. His eyes were bloodshot from drinking and doing God knows what else.

  I couldn’t get in the car with another drunk driver, especially not one trying to kidnap me. I elbowed him right in the gut with strength I found deep inside. He let go, and it was my chance to run away.

  Except that he reached out and grabbed my hair immediately, yanking me back hard. He latched one arm around my upper body while the other hand kept a tight grip on my hair, making it impossible for me to go anywhere.

  “Get in the car.” His breath was hot in my ear. I couldn’t fight anymore. I was so cold I could barely wiggle my fingertips. I was about to give in when I noticed a shadowy figure approach. I noticed him before Matt did, which is why Matt was taken completely by surprise when the figure’s fist connected with his jaw.

  He let go of me and I fell to the ground, getting caught up in the bottom of my dress.

  “Go.” It was Ethan. He pointed towards the Jeep parked on the opposite side of the street.

  I was safe, but I wasn't going anywhere. I didn’t trust Matt.

  Matt stood up. His eyes widened once he saw that it was Ethan who had punched him. A laugh erupted from deep inside him, and I didn’t know if it would ever stop.

  “Mr. Nash.” Matt shook his head, still laughing. “How the hell are you on this fine evening?” He stuck out his hand in a peace offering.

  Ethan shoved it away from him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  “Tsk tsk. Swearing as a teacher.” Matt rubbed his jaw where he was hit. “Although I suppose that’s not as nearly as bad as fucking a student.”

  “Abigail, go, please.” Ethan again gestured towards the car, but I couldn’t budge. This time his voice was pleading with me.

  “Nobody is sleeping with anyone.” Ethan had turned back to Matt.

  “Ah, too good to swear now.” Matt was still rubbing his jaw dramatically. “And punching a student. Man, your career, just like your life, really is in the shitter now, isn’t it?

  Matt pulled out his phone as Ethan’s eyes widened. “What are you doing?”

  He waved the phone in front of Ethan’s face. “Calling for help, obviously. I was just assaulted.”

  “Assaulted?” Ethan questioned him, his voice perfectly calm. “You want to go down for attempted rape?”

  “I wasn’t raping anyone. I was giving Abigail a ride home.”

  I couldn’t find my voice, but luckily Ethan spoke for me.

  “Please. You were talking the whole night about what you were going to do when you got Abigail alone. There are plenty of people around to corroborate what I heard. That and drunk driving. Tough break.”

  “Fuck you.” Matt tossed his phone into the back seat of his car, next to the camera.

  He put the car in drive as he slipped behind the wheel. I was surprised that Ethan was just going to let him go.

  Matt rolled down his window as he passed us. “Consider this a preview of part two, Abs.”

  He winked and sped off, his tires kicking up slush which further destroyed my dress.

  Ethan was already unbuttoning his suit coat. A second later, he put it around my shoulders before picking me up in one quick motion. I leaned my head against his chest as he carried me back to the car, forgetting all about my shoes. My body didn’t know how to react after having been pulled around and left in the cold for what felt like hours.

  I sat alone in the car, letting the warmth flood over me as Ethan went to retrieve my phone and shoes. I rubbed my head, which did nothing to dull the ache from where Matt had pulled my hair.

  “Do you think Matt’s going to the police?” I asked once Ethan returned to the car.

  “No,” he said almost immediately. “I know him fairly well. Chances are he’s going right back to that dance. They announced him king, you know.”

  I didn’t know, but I wasn’t surprised.

  Ethan was smiling at me. “Aren’t you the least bit curious about who is queen?”

  I shook my head and looked out the window. I didn’t care. “Fine. Who?”

  “You.”

  “Me,” I repeated. “Why?”

  Ethan laughed, “Probably because you didn’t throw the election, so the people got what they wanted.”

  “I wouldn’t say I’m what the people want.”

  “Well, not all the people, but at least one.” Ethan leaned forward and his lips were gently on mine. That expression crossed his face again, the one which showed the internal struggle he was having.

  I studied his face.

  “What about Matt driving drunk?”

  “Well, believe it or not, you’re less than a mile from the school. There’s a few DUI checkpoints set up already. Kids always try to sneak this way. If he’s driving erratically, they’ll catch him.”

  I nodded. I wondered if Thorton’s group had made it through.

  Ethan pulled forward, driving away from the school. “I can take you home,” he announced as he pulled onto a main road through the city.

  “No,” I said suddenly, looking down at my dress. “This was my mom’s. My dad will be heartbroken.” I also didn’t want to be alone after everything either, and somehow Ethan knew that.

  “Oh.” He softened his voice as we stopped at a light. “Look. I would never put you in an uncomfortable situation, but there’s a guest bedroom which is on the opposite side of mine. You can warm up and we can figure out the next steps.”

  A car behind us beeped, making my decision time nonexistent. I felt my head nodding yes before I could even form the words.

  Ethan lived in a condo inside a gated community. He dropped me off in the front as he parked in the garage. I sat down on the step in front of his home. He had a rather large wreath with twinkly lights and an angel placed on his door. I studied the angel’s smile and velvety purple dress. She looked familiar, as if her eyes were holding secrets I didn’t understand.

  “Shall we?” He unlocked the door and I followed him inside. Since his door, like his classroom, was highly decorative, I was expecting the same for his condo.

  I was shocked to find there was almost nothing inside, however. Nothing hung on the walls. No cups or plates were left out with h
alf-eaten food.

  He had a nice leather sectional and an entertainment system with various gaming systems, but otherwise it was all so empty.

  I ran my finger along a blank wall, expecting and hoping to see at least one picture of his daughter, but there weren’t any.

  “Painters were just here. Haven’t started the redecorating phase yet,” he answered as if he could read my mind. I watched as he smoothed out a crumpled piece of paper left out on the table before he folded it in half and tucked it inside a children’s book with a colorful butterfly on the front.

  “No worries.” I turned back to him, wrinkling up my nose at the lingering smell of paint.

  Ethan left the room, and when he returned he was holding a neatly folded T-shirt and pair of black sweatpants. He handed them over to me. “Sorry, they’re not the most glamorous.”

  “Better than this.” I gestured down to my dress. “Bathroom?”

  He led me down the hallway. When I finally slipped out of the dress, I could see the full scope of the damage. “You poor thing,” I said to it as I ran my fingers over the destroyed layers. I hung it up on the curtain rod, using the hanger Ethan had given me.

  When I stepped down off the tub, I caught sight of my reflection. Holy cow. I literally looked as though I had been dragged through hell—though, luckily for me, I didn’t know what that actually looked like.

  I pulled my hair out of the bun, carefully extracting each and every bobby pin I had hidden inside.

  When I had them all out, I ran my fingers through my damp waves which had tumbled down. A bruise was forming on my arm where Matt had grabbed me, and my head was starting to hurt. A reminder of how quickly I had gotten drunk and sobered up all in one evening.

  When I entered the living room, Ethan was nowhere to be found. A fuzzy gray blanket was folded on the corner of the couch. I picked it up and buried my face in the warmth. The butterfly book on the corner of the shelf caught my attention, quite possibly because it was the only sign that a smiling, bubbly, 3-year-old so full of life had once lived there. I ran my fingers down the spine, about to open it, when I heard footsteps approaching.

  Ethan was standing in the doorway, water dripping from his hair.

  “Sorry, I took a quick shower.” He nodded towards the door he just came from, which I assumed was a bedroom with a private bathroom attached. “Do you want me to start you one or a bath or anything?”

  I shook my head no. I wiggled my toes, pleased to find they weren’t frostbitten. “That’s okay. I’d probably fall asleep in it.” I was all too aware of how wild my hair looked and the fact that I was in clothing two sizes too big. What was I even doing there? I tightened my grip around the fuzzy gray blanket as if somehow that would make it all okay.

  “You okay?” Ethan reached out, gently resting his hand on my shoulder.

  “Not right now, no.” I was careful not to make eye contact, per usual when he had me open up about things I wanted to forget.

  “Hey, come here.” He pulled me in for another hug. I could feel his heartbeat as I rested my head on his chest. I wanted to stay there forever, frozen in that moment. Most of us never get the luxury of looking back on a time, truly imagining it as our last. I was allowed that luxury. I knew this could very well be the last night I saw him.

  I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to think about anything, and so I did the only thing that felt right. I pulled Ethan towards me for a kiss that had the power to stop time, at least for a moment. As he kissed me back, I knew in that moment that I was falling in love.

  When I opened my eyes the next morning, Ethan was nowhere to be found. I threw his comforter off me, knowing that chances were he couldn’t have gone far. I was right. I found him in the living room, humming as he hung up my dress on the curtain rod.

  “Oh my God.”

  He turned, a smile forming at the corners of his mouth.

  “Hey.” He came forward and kissed me lightly on the forehead. “I didn’t expect you to wake up this early.” I looked around the apartment for a clock, forgetting that they had been tucked away.

  “It’s 8,” he told me before gesturing towards the dress. “Just finished getting this dry cleaned thanks to some amazing little helpers.” He gave me a wink.

  The dress still had a tear, but otherwise it was perfect. It had struggled through so much, just as I had, and Ethan had fixed it. He was fixing everything.

  I found my phone charging on top of a sealed up box which appeared to be acting as a table. “What’s this?” I tapped it with my foot.

  “Box of things I’ve been neglecting to put back.” Ethan left the room as I turned my attention back to my unread messages.

  “My dad will be home in an hour,” I shouted to him. In addition to my dad’s messages, I was surprised to find an apology from Alyssa. Apparently Viktor was nervous that I was getting ready to call the police. He had active warrants out for his arrest, and he ended up kicking them out of the car a block before the dance. Thorton took the apology a step further, even thanking me for the nice words I had said about her during my drunken speech. I’d have to take her word for it, since my memories of that moment were vague.

  “I should get going.” I unplugged my phone and then hovered awkwardly, unsure of what to do next without a car.

  Thankfully, Ethan was already grabbing his keys and gesturing for me to follow him. He picked me up, carrying me over the fresh layer of snow that had fallen overnight so that I wouldn’t have to mess with high heels.

  We rode the whole way home in the silence that seems to happen when all words fail.

  “You okay?” I asked when we finally pulled onto my street.

  “Fine.” He had answered almost immediately. “Can I walk you to your door?” I looked around. Dad wasn’t home yet, and no neighbors were in sight.

  I wondered if he was going to be honest about where we went from there. If I succeeded tomorrow, we’d have our whole lives to plan out what would happen with us after I and the rest of my classmates crossed that stage for graduation. It was a real possibility.

  “Hey,” Ethan whispered, staring at me until I turned to meet his gaze. “I’d like to walk you up to your door.”

  I nodded. Something felt off, but I let him follow me to my front steps. Something was amiss, Ethan’s blank expression had returned. One that I noticed more frequently. He gently placed my mother’s dress on our front porch rocker.

  When we faced each other, a pit formed in my stomach, confirming my fears. He was intently staring at me. It was a stare that I knew held the harsh promise of reality. I couldn’t look him in the eyes, choosing instead to focus on the stubble along his jaw, which was clenched.

  He took my hands in his, pulling them close to him so they were near his heart. He closed his eyes and I leaned my forehead into his where we stood silently.

  I knew he was ending things before he even pulled away.

  “Look. Abigail. I honestly don’t have any idea how to start so I’m just going to dive right in.” He backed up to look at me but kept my hands near his heart. “I’m falling in love with you.”

  My breath didn’t just get caught in my throat, it stopped completely. I could feel all of my muscles tighten, and he could too. He was massaging my hands softly before he spoke again.

  “And for that, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to say this, and honestly I don’t want to say this.” He stopped to collect his breath. “But I have to. You’ve been what I needed for so long. Hearing those things you said about my daughter gave me the strength to go on when nothing else seemed to work. Those are things I’ll never be able to thank you for. For the first time since that day, I felt alive again with you.”

  I couldn’t listen to this, but I was rooted to the spot. I forced myself to look into his eyes as he let my hands fall from his. They hung limply at my sides.

  “I have to end things. I can’t jeopardize your future. Hell not just that, I can’t risk your future being destroyed com
pletely over me. I’m not worth it, and you deserve so much more.” He hesitated for a moment as if he was going to say something more, but then he turned. He was walking away from me and all our uncertainties.

  I gently picked the dress up and draped it over my shoulder. I couldn’t help but feel everything crumbling. I would never get the fairy tale that the dress resembled. If things didn’t work out before the next day, I wouldn’t even have a future.

  “Wait,” I yelled, but it was too late. He was already inside his car.

  I watched him as he leaned his head down on his wheel, shoulders shaking with sobs. I wanted to scream. I wanted to fight for him. In the end, I sat down immobile on the steps as I ignored the chill around me.

  All I could do was let the tears fall. They fell because of all the uncertainty. They fell because of the secrets I kept locked inside. Ultimately, they fell because I was so angry at being Abigail and the fact that I wasn’t the pretty 24-year-old girl whose picture sat untouched on my dresser. I was meant to be the same age as Ethan. We were meant to be together. I was meant to have the same fairy tale the dress encompassed.

  CHAPTER 33

  “Honey, wake up?”

  “Huh, what year is it?”

  I heard the soft tinkle of a laugh from somewhere above. Were the kids from my heaven back? When I opened my eyes, my dad’s face came into focus. “There you are.”

  I shot straight up.

  “You okay? You’ve been out for a few hours now.”

  Holy crap. That explained how groggy I felt. I looked around for any indication of what time it was. Outside my window, the sun was beginning to set.

  “I’ll get you some water and aspirin.” Dad nodded his head towards my end table. “Also, your phone has been going off nonstop. Surprised you slept through it.”