If Heaven Had Cheese Fries

by Stephanie Staudinger

  “Oh. Thank you.” I picked up my phone as he disappeared again. I had five missed calls and countless unread messages.

  I clicked to read through them when another call came in. It was Bailey.

  I hesitated. I hadn’t done anything worthy of being yelled at recently. I clicked ‘accept,’ and her voice immediately filled my ear.

  “Tell me you didn’t know,” she shrieked. “Tell me you had no part in any of this.” She was sobbing.

  “Bailey I just woke up. I don’t know--”

  She cut me off immediately, still in hysterics. “The video.”

  “No,” I whispered back, trying my best to keep calm. “Matt’s video?”

  “So you did know.” I could barely understand her through the tears. “You knew, and you let them go through with this.”

  “Bailey, stop and listen to me.” She was still hyperventilating. “This is a trust exercise. I knew, but I had spent months trying to stop it. There was nothing any of us could have done. They were hell-bent on doing what they wanted to do.”

  “Fine.” Her voice was small now. “I trust you. But what can we do? The whole school has seen it and thinks I’m nuts.”

  “I will fix this, but I need to know how I can see the video.” I was already reading through the other messages while I had her on speaker phone. My fingers couldn’t work fast enough to get through them all. Several people had already sent me links to the video, including Thorton, Noah, and Matt himself. I pictured his pleased face and I wished I was the one who had punched him.

  Bailey was shrieking, “I swear to God I’m going to kill Matt.”

  “Hey,” I said almost instinctively. “Don’t let them win. Okay? You’re better than this. Just remember that. This is a reflection of their own miserable fucking lives. This has nothing to do with you. You’re better than that. You’re strong.” I knew I kept repeating myself as I said whatever thoughts popped into my head. I needed her to understand. I needed her to not do anything stupid. I needed her to know this was some dumb high school prank that would ultimately blow over the way everything else eventually did as long as everyone stayed calm.

  “I’m sorry,” I told her. I genuinely was, and not just for the video. It felt like I had failed everyone.

  Bailey sniffled a few more times before agreeing.

  After she hung up, I texted her everything I had just said. I really needed her to believe it was going to be okay, even if I didn’t believe it myself..

  The loading symbol of the video seemed to spin on and on forever. What was waiting a few more seconds going to hurt when I had already let this hurt so many people?

  Finally an image filled the screen. I laid flat on my bed as Burt hopped up, sitting next to me with his wide green eyes fixed on the screen to watch.

  The video was on a platform sharing site that we used for school. My heart dropped. In the forty-five minutes it had been up, it had already gotten hundreds of views.

  Matt’s name was the only one on the video. He was the only one I saw when an image finally filled the screen. Maybe the others had finally done the right thing and bowed out at the last minute.

  The video was in black and white. Matt introduced the project as he sat in a dimly lit room with his head bent down. Words scrolled across the screen: Creative Writing 201, Final project: The Undiagnosed Epidemic. As the camera zoomed in on Matt, he was holding the Polaroid picture they had chosen. It was as if everything from those quote cards was coming full circle, their true meanings manifested in each and every one of us.

  Matt explained that they were trying to get help for those struggling with mental illness in high school. A number, presumably for some sort of hotline, scrolled across the bottom of the screen. Their fake attempt at being noble was sickening.

  When the camera panned away, the number was replaced with “Directed by Matt Ernst.” Then, the horror began.

  Chase was standing there, flipping the slinky back and forth. The rainbow of colors blocked his face. It went on for several quiet seconds until the sound of laughter filled the screen, the picture eventually giving away to students walking the hallways of Margaret Fielder High. From there, it painted the picture of a perfect school. Kids played basketball, auditioned for the spring musical, and did cleanup around various neighborhoods. It was the part I wanted to stay on forever. The part I wished was real.

  The video changed quickly back to black and white, panning from a crowded hallway to a figure that was standing alone, his head hung down. His books were strewn about on the floor. When the camera approached, he flipped it off without ever looking up. A second later, he threw a book against the wall as hard as he could. The sound of it making contact made me jump. I knew Matt had amplified it somehow. I also knew this was Chase’s portion of the documentary.

  Words were scrolling again across the bottom: “When the autism spectrum becomes a high school spectacle.”

  Holy shit, this was bad. Bailey was next, and I already knew what I would see. Her face was completely blurred, but her voice was amplified as she shrieked at her two friends for not doing enough to make the dance perfect. It ended with her telling them that she would destroy them if they destroyed her school dance and ultimately her reputation. The words “OCD: When Perfectionism becomes Problematic” were now scrolling.

  I wasn’t surprised that Matt had found footage of Noah drinking and smoking, all blurred by the illusion of smoke. There was even a picture of Jenna passed out in puke, and my heart sank as I realized it had been taken in my bathroom. He had labeled them the “Addicts with No Outlet.”

  If Jenna had it bad, it was nothing compared to Thorton. He had taken tight shots of newspaper articles which outlined the various problems and police calls at her home over the past several years. I had no idea how he got access to any of that, but I wasn’t surprised that he had.

  I knew Alyssa would show up next before I even saw her face. It was the clip he took of her eating at lunch that day. The camera was focused only on her body, never lifting above the shoulders, as a way to conceal her identity. A montage of “healthy” teenage bodies scrolled across the screen.

  I was going to be sick. I didn’t even care what he would say about me at that point. It couldn’t be worse than what I’d already seen.

  The video was finishing up, zooming back in on Matt. who explained how he wasn’t perfect either. In his quest to get everyone the help they needed, he knew he’d have to make some enemies. For that, he diagnosed himself with “Empathy and caring too much about others.” Give me a fucking break.

  I thought the video was over, but I was wrong, dead wrong.

  His voice was clear as he spoke right into the camera, his face coming into sharp focus. It felt as if he was right there in the room with me.

  “I hope you all enjoyed Ernst Productions. This is only the beginning. Stay tuned for part two tomorrow.” A link to his website scrolled across the bottom before the video went black.

  The comments were coming in fast, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at any of them.

  “Part two,” I said to Burt, who didn’t blink. “Part two. Part two. Part two.” I looked down at the notebook left at the edge of my bed. I picked up the pen without noticing, writing those words over and over again until they filled the pages. Was Matt alluding to the shooting?

  I didn’t leave my bed for the rest of the night. Dad chalked it up to a hangover and left me alone for the rest of the night. It was nothing of the sort, however. I was trying to force myself into a deep sleep. I needed Glen. I couldn’t do this without one more visit. I needed confirmation that I had the right guy. Glen had helped me out so many times before, why would this time when I needed him the most be any different? I didn’t even bother to wipe away the tears that had leaked through my shut eyelids. More would be back to take their place anyways.

  When I finally did fall into an uneasy sleep, there was no snow. There were bits and pieces of memories, dreams, and realities all mixed together into
something I didn’t understand. The last thing I remembered was Thorton skipping through the hallway arm and arm with Alyssa, laughing as her orange hair billowed out behind her. Standing behind them was the dark-haired woman from my nightmares.

  Burt’s incessant meowing woke me up. I heard it softly at first, as if it were from across the room, until he inched closer, eventually meowing right in my ear. My eyes flew open as I shoved him hard off the bed.

  He hissed at me and made his way over to where my phone was. He didn’t stop meowing until I got up and picked it up. Holy shit. It was 6 a.m. meaning I had actually fallen asleep. Of course that meant Glen hadn’t even bothered to help me and I had wasted a whole night sleeping instead of actually figuring things out. It was almost like he wanted and needed me to fail.

  How much more can one person take? I wanted to shout angrily at Glen, but I knew Dad was sleeping somewhere. I had never felt so much hatred before for anyone or anything --until I saw what Matt had sent me. He had released another video and he had taken the liberty of messaging me the link directly. This was one also began with Matt sitting on a stool in the middle of a dimly lit room as he announced Part Two.

  Wait. He wasn’t holding a gun or dressed in all black. I held my breath as the rest of it played out.

  “This one's for you, Abigail Henderson.” I watched, frozen in horror, as my yearbook photo was posted. Matt was narrating my life before I came to school, the death of my mother, and my desire to befriend everyone. I stared into the eyes of the new girl I once was. I barely recognized her. There was so much video taken of me. Video I didn’t even know Matt had recorded which suddenly left me feeling very exposed. The screen went black as Matt once again spoke. “This mysterious girl has a mysterious past.”

  The video was showed various times when I zoned out, talked to myself, and cried. Then it cut to Ethan as Matt explained his past.

  “Two troubled souls came together in a way that was considered dark to everyone except themselves.”

  Fuck. Matt even had a still photograph of us in the woods on the day we went to the gas station burrito shop.

  It was then I realized Matt had been following us from the beginning. I wasn’t even surprised when the video of the night of Winter Formal came on. It started with an empty space where I should have been when the king and queen were announced. The echo of my name in the gymnasium, faces looking around for me, and then me walking down the street. A royal blue dress, a lost girl, and a stark contrast to a dark night.

  Matt had kept the video rolling the whole time he had it on his car seat, and there it was, the fight between Ethan and Matt playing out for all to see.

  I couldn’t watch any more. I clicked off the link and ran as fast as I could out of my house. I needed to find Ethan and then the others. The others would be okay for a little while longer. They had each other to lean on. They would be okay, I kept telling myself as I pulled onto the highway towards Ethan’s house. I didn’t care that he had ended things. He could stop the romance between us, but he couldn’t stop me from protecting him.

  I punched in his number repeatedly, but each time I was greeted by his voicemail immediately. His phone was dead. There was no way he was at school yet.

  I made it to his condo in no time. I knocked. No answer. Fine, I would keep banging until he came downstairs. I didn’t give a shit. I would break the door down if I had to.

  “Can I help you?” A neighbor came out of the condo next door, shooting me a stern glance which reprimanded me for the ruckus I was causing.

  “Have you seen the man who lives here?”

  “Ethan?” She was an older woman. Her purple silk pajamas were clinging to her frail body, and what wispy white hair she had left was clipped on top of her head. She seemed to be thinking.

  “Yes, Ethan. Where is he?” I practically screamed at her.

  She narrowed her eyes at me. I knew she was suspicious of this crazy young girl screaming on his doorstep.

  “He was in the process of moving out yesterday, not sure where he is today.”

  “Moving out? What do you mean, moving out?” Ethan wasn’t moving out. She was mistaken.

  “Listen.” She was fiddling with a pack of cigarettes, as if I was the one stressing her out. “I have no idea. He was packing things into his truck yesterday and when I asked him about it, he mentioned something about moving. He keeps to himself, so honestly I’m surprised I got that much out of him.”

  She took two puffs before stubbing her cigarette out with her slippered foot. The smoke left lingering around me. I wanted to ask more but she was already gone.

  I was left staring at the door that led to Ethan’s condo. The angel and her wreath were both gone, but that didn’t mean he had moved out. He was redecorating. Out with the old, in with the new. The neighbor was clearly old and senile.

  I couldn’t stay there all day. Even if he was there, he wasn’t coming out. I needed to get to school before any of the other kids got there. I would check the backpack of each and every single one of them if I had too.

  “Don’t speed,” I reminded myself as I drove to school. I couldn’t get pulled over. I had visions of what would happen. Visions of walls covered in blood.

  I pulled into the closer parking lot. A few cars were already there. My guess was that they belonged to various teachers getting ready for the school day. To them, it was just another day, which was crazy to think about. Couldn’t they sense that everything was off?

  They had no idea. I rubbed the tears from my eyes as I got out. What next? Should I stand on the top of my car and scream at everyone to go home? To run and never look back?

  What if I told a teacher what was happening?

  They would think I was crazy. It wasn’t their purpose.

  I took a few deep steadying breaths, struggling to remain calm. If I found the person before they got in, there would still be hope. I could jump in front of a bullet. I had already died once, and I would do it again. That was the thing though, you never knew who was hurting enough on the inside to do something like this. It could easily be anyone. Seeing as how I had at least five different suspects proved I had no idea all along.

  I saw Alyssa’s sleek dark head walking towards the front doors of the school. She was one of the first ones to arrive. School wasn’t set to start for another twenty minutes.

  “Alyssa,” I screamed at her.

  She turned, and I was surprised to find that her face broke into a wide smile as she gave me a one armed hug. “Woah. You kinda look like shit.”

  “Where’s Ethan?” I asked, ignoring her comment, knowing full well that I looked like.

  “Who is Ethan?”

  “Mr. Nash.” I was trying to fight the panic that was rising in my voice.

  “Our English teacher?” She was speaking slowly to me, as if she couldn’t comprehend what I was asking. Didn’t she see the video? She was on her phone more than anyone else I know. Who else would I have been talking about?

  “The video,” A sob escaped my throat now. “The video Matt released.”

  “Ohhh.” A revelation crossed her face. She finally understood what I was talking about, and the magnitude of a problem. “That dumpster fire.” She did an impersonation of an explosion with her hands before laughing again.

  “You okay?” She grabbed me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes. “You’re acting a bit manic. The video honestly wasn’t that bad.”

  “Not that bad? I’m in serious shit from that.”

  “Huh?” She was looking at me like I was a crazy person again. “You’re not even in the video.”

  “Give me your phone.” I stuck my palm out. She must not have seen it yet.

  “Abigail…” She trailed off, unsure of what to say next. She hesitated a moment before unlocking and handing over her pink sparkly phone.

  I looked through the school sharing server. 'Part One' was the only Ernst Productions video there. Had Part Two been deleted for some reason? I asked that aloud as I ha
nded my phone over to Alyssa, whose fake nails tapped against the screen rapidly for a few minutes.

  “Aha,” she finally said, pointing down at the bottom left corner. “See, it’s only available to people with the private link, which I’m guessing is just you. Looks like it’s an empty threat from Matt.”

  She didn’t even bother to watch the movie, but something told me she already knew what she’d find.

  “He said it’s Part Two,” I muttered weakly.

  “Empty threats.” She shook her head. “Just get him out of your head. Are you gonna be okay? I’ve gotta go get some studying done before I completely fail history.”

  I nodded my head ever so slowly. It was the only motion I could handle. Alyssa hesitated before giving me one last hug and heading inside. I wanted to grab her arm and keep her safely outside forever but I couldn’t do that. How had I let all this time get away from me? All around people were rushing to beat the warning bell, but to me, they were all moving in slow motion. It was like a dream sequence, and I found myself frozen where I was. I studied each and every person. No one looked suspicious. No one was holding a gun. And, unfortunately, Matt was nowhere to be found.

  Claire was, however. I had to blink several times to make sure I was actually seeing correctly. She was approaching me.

  “Hey.” She stopped right next to me. My fingers found her shoulder, making sure she was real.

  “Have you seen Matt?” I couldn’t waste any more time.

  “Oh.” She lowered her voice. “If this is about the video, you’ll be happy. That little stunt landed him a meeting with the principal. Pretty sure he’s being suspended or expelled. He was expecting it anyways. With great risks come great rewards, or whatever that crock of shit that his uncle keeps telling him is.” She shrugged as if it were no big deal. “Talk later? I can’t afford another tardy on my transcript.” She was inching towards the door.

  “Wait. Real quick. Were there one or two parts to the video?”

  “Just one.” She gave me a confused look as she headed into the school, just moments before the bell rang.

  I was the only one who remained outside. I knew the doors would lock and I’d have to be buzzed into the office, but at least that way I would be able to catch a glimpse of Matt and see what his intentions were for the day.