by Ford, Mia
“It doesn’t matter how good it was,” she hisses back. “I am not going to be just sex.”
I’m taken aback. “Is that what you think? Because that isn’t what I was thinking about it.”
She spins determinedly away from me and pours coffee into the mugs, angrily. I can see the temper shaking in her arms which is an emotion at least. Not a good one, but it’s a start.
“Paisley, I…” I pull her around and make her stare at me, but a coughing from the door frame breaks us apart.
It’s Adam, and he looks pissed. I don’t know how long he’s been there or how much he’s heard…
“I’ll take these drinks in.” Paisley grabs as many as she can, and she pushes passed both of us. Adam stays where he is, so I do the same. This is bad enough, I don’t want to do anything to make it worse.
“What was that” he finally demands. “Did I interrupt something then?”
“No, I, er, I thought Paisley burned herself, that’s all.”
Adam doesn’t quite look like he trusts me. “Right okay, because if it was something more, you know that would be the ultimate betrayal, right? That isn’t the sort of thing one friend does to another.”
Guilt crushes me. I can feel it weighing heavily down on my heart as I shake my head and lie. “No, I know that. And I would never do something like that to you, Adam. I couldn’t.”
“Good.” He grabs the rest of the mugs and moves away from me. “Because I wouldn’t want a fight.”
My head hangs low as he walks away from the kitchen, leaving me alone with only negativity. I created this myself, I have made such a mess of things, and there is no way I can fix this today. The best thing that I can do for now is to leave here and let the family have their Christmas alone. The way it’s supposed to be.
I walk back to the living room slowly and with purpose. Once inside I refuse to make eye contact with anyone.
“I’m really sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Jones. I very much appreciate you inviting me into your home, especially at this time of year, but I’m afraid I don’t feel well, and I wouldn’t want to spread my sickness to anyone else. I think it would be better for everyone if I went home to be ill by myself.”
They make some noises, but I can tell they are glad really, so it isn’t much of a fight for me to go. I take the long walk home, not even bothering to hail a cab because I know it will be hard to get one, and I try to think everything through as I walk. I attempt to realize how much of a mistake this all was, so I can keep away in the future. But really, all I can think of is how much I like Paisley and I wish I was with her right now.
Without even considering it much, I end up standing under the strobe lighting at the bar of Annie’s. I guess Charlotte’s words sunk in more than I thought they would. I just don’t want to be alone today, it feels sad. Although as I order my drink I don’t know if this is sadder. There are quite a lot of people here and they are all drunk and seemingly having a good time, but it’s all just a mask, covering up pain. People wouldn’t be here if they didn’t have pain, just like me. Even the girls in the clothing that they supposedly wear to bed. If they had anywhere better to be, they wouldn’t be. I suck back my beer, trying to block it out.
“Hey there, handsome…” a voice purrs next to me. “You look like you enjoy fun.”
I wonder if this is Charlotte, but she’s wearing black and I’m sure the woman on the phone said that she’d be in red. It hardly matters. I’m not in the mood for flirting. I just want to wallow.
“I’m just here for one drink,” I tell her firmly.
“Oh, that’s a shame.” She runs her hands all over my torso, despite not being invited to do so. “Because you look like the sort of man who deserves a beautiful woman on his arm.”
This woman is beautiful, there’s no denying that, but I’m still not in the mood.
“I appreciate it, but there are plenty of guys here for you to flirt with.”
“Don’t be like that,” she pouts. “I want to talk to you.”
I half consider pursuing this for just a moment. Maybe this is what I need, a palate cleanser, someone to have some fun with, to take my mind off of Paisley… but I already know this won’t happen. I will just end up feeling even sadder and more hollow than before which is really not what I want for Christmas.
“No, you know what… I have to leave.” I do have to go. This party seems to be all about hooking up to block out pain, and I really don’t need that. I would be much better off by myself. “Sorry about that.”
“No, wait…” She tries to grip hold of me, but I shake her off. This club, the music, the lights… they are all too much. I have better booze at home anyway if all I want to do is get drunk.
The fresh air washes over me, bringing relief with it, and I start to walk. I don’t even really think about where I’m going, I just let my body take me, even when it isn’t in the direction of home. My feet know what I want and need even if I haven’t yet worked it out myself. I don’t even let my brain connect until the surroundings become familiar and I realize exactly where I am. It’s a place that I only come when times are at their worst.
I guess this is worse than I ever allowed myself to think. My instincts are showing me that.
I sigh loudly and take the walk up to the top of the hill, the grass still glistening with the dew that should have vanished hours ago. I guess the cold has made sure that it hasn’t faded away just yet.
“Hey, Mom. Hi, Dad.” I lean across and dust the grave stones off. “Sorry, it’s been a while.”
I take a seat in the grass, despite the wetness, and stare at their names engraved. Katherine Anne Allen and Robert Allen, knowing that is all I will ever know of them. The people that used to work with them when they owned the company can tell me things about them, but it’s all their memories. I don’t have my own. Even when I see pictures of me with them it doesn’t inspire anything because I was too young to form long term memories.
“Things aren’t great at the moment, as I’m sure you can imagine. I… I did something stupid. Although to me, it didn’t feel stupid, it felt like something that was meant to happen.” I sigh and shake my head. “I don’t know, maybe I’m being dumb. This is just… the first girl that I have ever been with that I like… but I’m friends with her brother. Best friends. Which makes me think that it could all explode if it got out.” I stare at the stones, willing an answer to just come out of them already. “I wish you were here, so you could give me some proper advice. I don’t know how much use it is unloading when you can’t reply.” I shake my head, trying not to get too upset. “Anyway, Merry Christmas, I suppose. The first one in years that I have spent with you.”
6
Paisley
“I cannot believe that you are back here for New Year’s Eve, Maddie!” I impulsively throw my arms around her neck once more. “I mean, to come all the way from England… that must have been for some trip.”
“Well, I have to come back every so often to visit my family, you just aren’t usually here for it.”
“I’m going to be around for a bit now so if you’re back again, hit me up!”
We creep along to the front of the queue and almost make our way into the club. It sounds noisy in there, the music is vibrating the whole building, and the lights keep flashing brightly. This isn’t the sort of place I thought I would be spending my night, I assumed I’d be in front of the TV with my parents and Adam who has a terrible sickness bug, but then I ran in to Maddie in the supermarket and my whole night turned around.
“I will, and next time I come back I might even have Liam with me. He hasn’t been here yet.” She flashes her ring at me again, clearly over the moon to be engaged. “That’s wild, isn’t it? Three years we’ve been together.”
“It’s nice that you’ve found someone though, and from what you’ve told me about him he sounds lovely.”
“Oh, he is.” She can’t seem to stop gushing about him. “He’s such an English gentleman. Really good man
ners, so nice to me, treats me like an absolute freaking princess. I really hit the jackpot.” She seems to spot the strained expression on my face and turns the conversation around smoothly. “So, how are things with you?”
“Love life wise?” She nods. “Oh, nothing. There were a few guys in college, but none that lasted. I guess I just wasn’t destined to find the one there like you did, you lucky girl. Although I am annoyed that he lives half way around the world because it means I won’t get to see you as much as I would like.”
“That’s a shame. And there isn’t anyone here? No one you have reconnected with?”
Yes, Josiah, and he was fucking amazing… just a shame that he’s a player!
“No,” I answer instead. “But I haven’t been back for too long, so I guess there is still time.”
Luckily, before she can ask me more we are ushered into the club and our ears need some time to adjust before we can try speaking again, so we head straight to the bar to get some drinks in. I think I’m going to need one or two drinks because this place is crazy packed out, full of people dancing and having fun, in varying states of intoxication, and I want to join them. I sure as hell need to blow off some steam after the emotional turmoil that I have been through over the last few days. The Christmas period has been kinda hard. But I’m going to do better from here on out. My New Year’s Resolution is to put this down as life experience and just get on with it. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone does things that they probably shouldn’t, the important thing is to move on.
“Oh look!” Maddie points to a group of girls all circling around a table. “The girls!”
I don’t realize who she’s talking about at first, but I soon click its other girls that went to the same high school as us. Not people that I was particularly friends with, but Maddie was always more sociable than me, so it doesn’t surprise me when she makes a bee line for them. I don’t particularly want to hang out with these people but I’m not so immature that I will ask my friend not to either. We have had years apart anyway, everyone has grown up a lot, so it doesn’t matter. They weren’t the worst people in the world anyway, just not for me.
“Oh, hey!” Maddie is welcomed into the group like an old friend, where as I am more of someone that they don’t really recognize, but that’s okay. Small talk doesn’t really appeal to me anyway, so if I can keep that to a minimum then that’s perfect. I talk when spoken to but that’s it.
While Maddie talks and laughs, I scan my eyes around the club just to give me something to do. I act like it’s in case I see someone I know too, which really isn’t likely. Instead, I find myself looking at everyone, in turn, wondering what their story is, what their pain might be, what they are hoping for the New Year. It’s a fun game that keeps me entertained while the girls all catch up and talk about their love lives… of course. As if that’s the most important thing in their lives. I don’t have anything to contribute. But then again, I wouldn’t have anything to talk about if they discussed their careers either, so perhaps it was for the best that I was on the out skirts.
What the…? All of a sudden, my heart stops dead in my chest as I think I see… No, it can’t be.
I shake my head, trying to forget about him. Of course, he isn’t here, even if this is the place to be on New Year’s Eve. And even if he is I can’t just spot him like that right away, without even trying. That would be crazy.
But it is. I don’t know how I know it with such certainty, but I do. I can feel it in my bones, like having sex with him has built up a connection that can span across rooms and now I will always know exactly where he is and what he’s doing at all times. A terrible blessing and an awful curse all at once.
Josiah. This time I see him clear as day. He’s standing not too far away from me with a drink clutched tightly between his fingers. He has a strained smile on his face as a woman beautiful enough to be seen on the cat walk tries to get his attention. She’s struggling though, which surprises me. I bet she’s never had issues before.
“Are you okay?” Maddie tugs on my arm and grins at me. “You look like you have seen a ghost.”
“Erm, yeah. I just… I thought I saw someone that I know, that’s all.”
She follows my eye line and her eyes pop with surprise. “Oh, you do know him. Don’t you remember? That’s Josiah Allen, the guy who was your brother’s best mate. You had a massive crush on him, remember?”
I curse my teenage self for confiding everything in my best friend, even if I needed to at the time just to stop myself from growing insane. Now I don’t have a chance in hell of playing it cool.
“Oh yeah, that’s right. God, I totally forgot.” I smack my palm to my forehead before realizing that was probably a bit much. Now I have really made a fool out of myself. “Of course, it’s him.”
“Wow, he is still so hot.” She pushes me a little. “You should totally go and talk to him.”
Panic shoots through me like a lightning bolt. I can’t just go and talk to him after I basically sent him away on Christmas Day. Plus, my reasons for my behavior are still valid anyway. At this point, I could quite easily tell Maddie the truth, confide in her like I used to, I don’t think she would judge me, but I don’t. The moment I say it aloud to anyone it becomes something much more real and valid. I don’t know if I can hack that.
“I don’t know if I can talk to him. He probably won’t remember me. He never noticed me.”
“Back when you were a girl, no, but fuck me, Paisley, you have grown in to one sexy woman.”
“Really?” Her words make me smile, I can’t seem to stop myself. “Thank you, Maddie.”
“He doesn’t look interested in the woman that he’s talking to which is your cue…”
“Look at her compared to me, Maddie. If he isn’t interested in her…”
Josiah seems to sense eyes upon him and he finally looks in our direction. The jolt of recognition is so obvious on his face that I absolutely cannot deny it. Especially when I hear a self-satisfied noise coming from Maddie. She knows that he knows who I am so there is no escape this time around.
When Josiah sees me, he steps away from the stunning woman who watches on with shock and horror as he comes for me. I feel Maddie melt away, thinking that she’s doing the right thing to help me. She might well be because as annoyed as I am at him, I still desperately want to speak to him alone. I can’t help myself.
The closer he gets to me, the larger the annoying butterflies get, I want to swat them away, to pretend that he has absolutely no effect on me at all, but I can’t deny it. I guess he always will. He did when I was a teenager and he still does now. No matter how much I grow up I will never outgrow him.
I want to talk to you… that’s what I think his first words will be. He will still want to explain himself, to make me see his side of view about things, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. This isn’t a place to talk anyway.
He reaches me, I can feel every inch of him in my personal space, and I like it way more than I should. God, I don’t want to be just another girl that he’s hooked up with, but I also know how incredible it feels to fuck him and I want that again. I want to be the naughty lust filled person he makes me.
He leans in, his breath tickling my ear, and he whispers. “Come and dance with me.”
It wasn’t what I was expecting to hear, and it wasn’t phrased like a question either, so when he takes my hand and leads me on to the dance floor I go willingly. I don’t even protest, nor do I look back, I don’t even want to know what Maddie is thinking right now. She’s probably clapping her hands together with glee.
On the dance floor, Josiah doesn’t talk. Instead, he grips on to my hips and starts moving in time with the music. He is so close to me that our bodies mesh together, sometimes knocking together, but it doesn’t do anything to dull the sexiness surrounding us. Already, there is a thick lust surrounding me and Josiah and I don’t know what to do with it. I already know that it’s irresistible, that I can’t fight it.
Josiah leans his head in close to me, and for a moment I think he’s going to ask what I just said, but instead, he rests his cheek next to mine, creating off the chart sparks. I’m surprised the rest of the room aren’t being shocked by what’s going on between us right now, we are pretty much on fire.
The sizzling in my belly grows in its intensity, my core begins to pulse and throb for him once more. I have only had half of one drink, but it feels like I’ve had loads, and it’s all because of him. My head is swimming.
“Do you want to go outside?” he finally asks. “See the New Year from outside?”
I turn back to see Maddie, to tell her that I’m going because I already know that I will follow Josiah everywhere, even if there is a rational part of my brain telling me not to, but she is embroiled in a conversation, not worried about me at all. She probably thinks that I’m set for the night and she might be right.
“It isn’t nearly time for the ball to drop yet, is it?”
“No.” He shakes his head with a cheeky grin on his face. “But I’m done here, and I think you might be too.”
I let him lead me out of the club, relieved to be leaving here. Sure, I was excited to get in not too long ago, but the idea of spending some more unwise time with this man is far too tempting.
He’s intoxicating like a drug and I’m a junkie completely hooked on him.
The cold night air sends a shiver racing up and down my spine but seeing me shudder only causes Josiah to pull me close to him. I tuck under his arm pit perfectly as if it’s where I was always supposed to be. His body heat and the deep masculine scent of him sends my head spinning somewhere else entirely.
“It’s a long while until the New Year,” I comment idly. “So, how are we going to fill the time until then?”
“I have an idea…” Josiah tugs me into a nearby alleyway and he pushes me roughly up against the wall.
