Have Mercy

by Christina Lee

  My hand sprang up as my stomach dropped, that same anxiety creeping back in. “Pretty sure I’m not ready for a horse ride.”

  He sobered. “No, it’s cool. I meant on the four-wheelers. I’ll even race you, soldier boy.”

  “You’ve got a deal, cowboy.”

  There was more pressing of shoulders together, and right then, I didn’t think I’d want to be anywhere else except talking to Kerry in the middle of a rodeo.

  “Anyway,” he said. “What we have at the farm is pretty much the kind of life I’d envisioned. I’m just sorry that Sienna…” He trailed off, shaking his head.

  “Hey, you made your peace and did what was right. Stop second-guessing yourself.” I thought of seeing Brad again on Sunday and how she’d acted around him. “Maybe Sienna didn’t make the right decisions either.”

  He leaned closer and lowered his voice. “You mean Brad?”

  I nodded. “What’s the story there? Never mind, not really my business.”

  “Not sure there’s much to tell. He crushed on her all through school. But he was always in trouble for one thing or another and didn’t really get his act together until a few years ago. Anyway, I think she made the safer choice.”

  My eyes sprang to his. “You mean she settled?”

  He picked at the frayed hem of his jeans. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “You’re no one to settle for. Have you taken a good look at yourself?”

  He actually blushed, and I grinned like a loon.

  “Damn, life sucks sometimes,” he said, stretching his legs out in front of him.

  “We live and learn, right? I joined the military because I was lost after my dad passed.”

  He pressed his shoulder against mine again, and it soothed me in a way most things didn’t. “And did you find yourself even though you…” He motioned to my knee.

  “In some ways, yeah. In other ways, I’m still trying to figure shit out.”

  “Aren’t we all,” he mumbled just as a broadcaster’s voice came on the loudspeaker. He began announcing the events and getting the crowd riled up. As he threw out names, cowboys began lining up inside the arena and waving to the crowd.

  Some tall and lean guy in one of those plaid shirts with a large buckle walked onto the field, and the audience went wild. His cowboy boots were all dusty, and his hat looked worse for wear. He was handsome, and when he smiled even more so, if all the ladies wolf-whistling had anything to say about it.

  “Holy shit.” I stared harder. “Are there, like, superstar cowboys at these things?”

  Kerry laughed. “Hell yeah, there are. We’ve got infamous bulls that stockmen clamber to ride, and your run-of-the-mill cowboys who just happen to be masters of their events.”

  When the handsome cowboy scanned the stands, I could’ve sworn his eyes snagged on Kerry, and my stomach got all tight with a strange emotion I didn’t want to put a name to.

  “Wait a minute. Is that the guy you and Sienna were talking about?”

  “Zee?” Kerry said, his eyes fixed on the man in the center of the arena.

  “Tell me about him.”

  “Zee—Zach—is my best friend from high school. And he’s on the road a lot, so we don’t see each other too often anymore.” Kerry watched him for a long moment, his eyes softening as he took him in. “Zee was my first crush.”

  “Yeah?” I asked, and I noticed a slow flush crawling across his cheeks.

  “Not that he knew it,” he said in a lower voice. “Me neither, really. But you realize stuff about yourself later on.”

  “Definitely.”

  He glanced at me. “After I came out, he called and texted, offering his support, and fuck, I was grateful for that.”

  “I’m glad to hear you had someone else in your corner. Do you still think about him in that way?”

  “Hell no. It was only a boyhood crush. My crushes are much different nowadays.”

  And this time when he applied pressure, it was thigh-to-thigh as well as shoulder-to-shoulder. Holy fuck, it made me feel warm all over.

  For the next two hours, we got lost in the constant action of the show. And I had never seen anything like it. It was like a cross between a sporting event and a country hoedown.

  Kerry was kind enough to explain everything going on, but when Zee came on for his bucking bronco event, he fell silent, almost reverent, and I could see the tension rolling off him. And damn, that had to have been so tough—crushing on someone and not being able to tell a soul in the world.

  Zee hung in there and apparently broke his own record to deafening applause.

  “I swear that bronco almost broke all of Zee’s bones,” I said as we jumped up and joined in on the rousing ovation. “And now I understand why these things draw a crowd.”

  “Right? And yeah, he was born for this.”

  And all at once my eyesight blurred and I was transported to a different time and location. I was in the desert, sitting next to Smithy as he cleaned his sidearm and said something similar. “I was born to be a soldier.” I could feel myself trembling, knowing what was coming in only twenty-four hours. It was the day before he was going to be blown to the high heavens.

  “Hey, you all right?” I felt Kerry’s hand on my shoulder and heard his concerned voice, but it sounded tinny and far away. “It’s okay, Julian…we’re at the rodeo. You let me know if you need somethin’.”

  The rodeo.

  He gently nudged me to sit down, which brought me out of the memory. I blinked and looked around, my cheeks hot with embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

  “Never be sorry,” he said close to my ear. “It’s a side effect of your trauma. It’s part of you, and you shouldn’t have to apologize.”

  Fuck, I could’ve kissed him for that.

  “It’s gotten better,” I said, wanting to reassure him as well as myself. “It was worse when I first got home. I thought the busy streets were gonna swallow me up.”

  “I can imagine.”

  “I think the only reason Mom thought I was ready for this was because I seemed better,” I confessed. “Plus, she knew the city was too much for me. That leaving for something less noisy and crowded would do me good.”

  “Was she right?”

  “Yeah, definitely. So, thanks. For…well, everything.”

  More shoulder pressure as we fell into a comfortable silence. I didn’t feel like I needed to explain or say much more. I could just sit there and get my head together again.

  Once the rodeo was over, we followed the crowd out to the parking lot. I noticed how he lingered near the entrance to the field to see if he could spot Zee. But the popular cowboy was surrounded on all sides by a crowd of people congratulating him and wanting photos.

  “Do you want to wait so you can—”

  “Nah.” He pulled out his phone. “We’d be here all night.”

  He scrolled to Zee’s name and sent off a text I sneakily read over his shoulder. Congrats. Amazing as usual. We’ll catch up soon.

  18

  Kerry

  Damn, being at the rodeo with Julian, telling him about Zee and everything else we’d freely admitted to each other made me feel wired, needing release. I could barely take being next to him with scarcely a centimeter between us while surrounded by a stadium full of people. But we’d set the boundary from the onset of the drive—that we needed to move on from the kiss—so maybe a different sort of outing was in order for both of us.

  I placed my hat on the seat between us and forked my fingers through my hair, hoping to make it look somewhat decent. “Feel like stopping somewhere for a beer?”

  “Yeah, sounds good,” he replied, distracted as he looked out the passenger side window.

  As soon as we got on the road, I went in the opposite direction of Cottonwood Creek, hoping I was making the right call.

  “It’s a bar I frequent sometimes when I’m…” I trailed off, and when he got my meaning, his eyes widened. “What do you think?”

  “I say go for
it.”

  I nodded, relieved he was into it. “Bet there’s tons of places in the big city.”

  “Definitely…but I’m glad you actually found somewhere you…”

  “Feel safe to be myself for a night?”

  “Yeah, that.”

  When I pulled in front of the place, I suddenly saw the gay cowboy bar through Julian’s more sophisticated eyes and felt embarrassed at how hokey it might’ve seemed from the outside with the gigantic lighted cowboy and horse on the sign. Christ.

  We were silent as we stepped out of the truck and made our way inside, almost like there was this quiet reverence about it—or maybe it was just apprehension.

  Inside the place was a bit dimmer, with dark wooden tables, a small dance floor, pool tables, and even a jukebox with a decent selection of popular music.

  I found us seats at the end of the long bar, greeting regulars I recognized, as well as the bartender. Julian got plenty of interested looks, which didn’t surprise me one bit. He was gorgeous, I could at least admit that.

  We ordered beers and settled into the atmosphere, which had a quiet sort of buzz. Some men swayed together on the dance floor, and as Julian’s gaze swung around the space, he spotted the dart board. “Wanna play?”

  So we sipped our beers and played the best of three, and damn, his aim was way better than mine. “Suppose it makes sense for someone with weapons training.”

  “You’ve never shot a gun?” he asked as he gathered our darts in a pile and left them on the ledge near the game.

  “Sure, for target practice, but it’s honestly been years,” I confessed, then rolled my eyes, thinking about how Hunter would get in trouble with my father for shooting at random things as a kid, like possums or empty beer cans. He’d always try to make a competition of things. “Hunter’s got a collection, though. Says he keeps ’em around in case of emergency. Which is actually pretty rare on the ranch.”

  Julian smirked. “Why am I not surprised?”

  We grabbed a couple more beers and were about to plop down on barstools again when his gaze shifted toward the billiards table.

  “No way,” he said, pointing to the bull-riding machine in the corner.

  “Welcome to Wyoming.”

  “I dare you,” he said with a glint in his eye.

  “Had my share of turns on those things. I dare you.”

  “Hmm…” He seemed to be considering it.

  “You don’t know anybody. It’s only a stupid machine, not a real animal,” I encouraged him in a low voice. “I say go for it.”

  “I’ll do it.” He lifted his bottle and chugged down half of his beer, likely for liquid courage. “There’s always a first time for everything.”

  I grinned as I followed him toward the machine. Once he got himself on the bull’s back, he looked a bit wary, and I thought maybe he was going to change his mind, but then he got this determined look on his face.

  “Scoot up as close to the front of the saddle as you can, and brace your legs against the sides,” I said, so he positioned himself behind the bull’s head. “Grab the rope with your dominant hand and swing the other arm out for balance.”

  The machine was turned on, and he did well for the first couple of seconds. I saw a moment of pure joy on his face—before he was flung off. I caught him by the waist as he stumbled toward the floor and before he twisted his bad knee or something worse.

  “That was awesome.” He turned in my arms and looked up at me. “Thanks.”

  “You did good your first time.” I wanted to pull him against me right then and kiss the hell out of him, but that would defeat the whole purpose of the stupid plan I had to begin with.

  As we made our way back to the bar, I was approached by a regular, a blond with a muscular build, whom I’d seen a handful of times before. He wasn’t my type, but Julian certainly was his because he’d been checking him out since we’d arrived.

  “Who’s your friend?” the guy asked, looking Julian up and down, and I felt momentarily protective, like I wanted to hide him away from his roving eyes.

  Once introduced, he asked to buy us a drink, so we sat down and he ordered us shots of whiskey.

  “That man has been eyeing you all night,” I said when he excused himself to put some coins in the jukebox.

  “And?” Julian asked, looking me in the eye.

  I shrugged, but my entire body was thrumming with raw nerves. “You should go for it.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Why did you bring me here?”

  “I thought it would be fun,” I said in the best nonchalant voice I could muster. “And I thought maybe…maybe you could get it out of your system.”

  “Get what out?”

  “Me. I’m just another body, after all. Someone to enjoy for an evening.”

  His jaw tensed. “You’re more than just a body.”

  My chest tightened like a screw. “You know what I mean.”

  “Whatever.” Julian turned away from me as the guy returned and asked him to dance to whatever country song he punched into the rotation.

  I watched numbly as they made their way to the floor and the guy encircled Julian in his arms. I noticed Julian tense at first, and then…then he just gave in to it. They danced and talked and flirted, and I felt like I might puke. What was I thinking, bringing him here?

  Thankfully my phone buzzing with a return text from Zee distracted me.

  I’ll be back in town for longer next month. Catch up with a beer?

  Deal.

  During the second song, Julian whispered something in the guy’s ear, and the guy motioned toward the hallway where the restrooms were located. Julian didn’t even look at me as he strode in that direction. I stood up, my feet propelling me to follow him.

  When I gained on him, I reached for his wrist, spun him around, then crowded him against the wall.

  “What the hell?” he asked, but there was no bite in his question, only…surprise mixed with bald need. That same need I’d spotted in him before. The one that probably matched my own.

  “Thought I could stomach it. Guess I was wrong.” My pulse thrashed in my veins as I stared into his eyes, pleading with him to understand my internal struggle.

  “Stomach what?” His trembling fingers dug roughly into my waist.

  I screwed my eyes shut as I told him the truth. “Seein’ you with someone else.”

  He drew back and stared accusingly. “You brought me here to hook up with a warm body, but you really want me for yourself?”

  “Yes,” I admitted.

  He gritted his teeth. “This is fucked up.”

  “It is,” I murmured, slanting my forehead against his.

  His scent, his warmth, and his shallow breaths enveloped me, and there was no place in the world I’d have rather been right then.

  I half expected him to push me off because I deserved it, but he didn’t.

  “It’s just you and me.” Julian clutched the back of my shirt with a firm grip. “We’re away from the farm, and we want each other. I don’t see the problem.”

  That broke the dam inside me. I looked behind him to the ladies’ room, and having taken stock of the patrons in the bar earlier, I knew nobody would be using it anytime soon. I pushed open the door and pulled him inside.

  With one hand I bolted the door, and with the other I prodded him toward the sink. I reached for his waist and glanced in the mirror over his shoulder. “Do you see how fuckin’ hot you are?”

  “I see how hot you are, standing behind me.”

  When I looked at my reflection in the dank space, all I saw was mussed-up hair and so much longing in my eyes that it freaked me out.

  “We’re away from the farm, and we want each other.”

  I briefly wondered if I’d made the wrong decision, but then I felt him shiver, and all other thoughts left my brain.

  In the mirror, he watched as my knuckles brushed against the stubble on his jaw. His lips parted in a silent gasp as my hand encircled his throat, hi
s gaze growing hungrier, which made my cock swell in response.

  “Tell me you want this,” I growled in his ear as my other hand dragged across his front to his zipper. He moaned and swayed, and that was all the response I needed.

  “Pull yourself out,” I said as my lips nuzzled his hairline.

  He unbuttoned and unzipped, then pushed his jeans and underwear halfway down his ass so that his crease was partially on display. I growled at the visual as I released his throat, then batted his hand away from the front of his pants. Mine.

  At least for tonight.

  I wrapped my palm around his cock, which was warm and thick and velvety smooth. When I stroked him from root to tip, his knees nearly buckled, so I encircled his waist, pinning him to me. “I got you.”

  I swiped my thumb through his slit, then lifted my thumb to get a taste of his salty precome. Hot damn.

  “Please,” he moaned, watching me in the mirror. “Please touch me. I need it.”

  He gasped as I drove my shaft against his ass, seeking friction. His lips were trembling, his eyes heavy with lust. Julian was falling apart right in front of me, and it made me want to please him more.

  I reached for his cock, then stroked upward while simultaneously binding my fingers around his neck and applying light pressure.

  “Yesss.” His chest rumbled, his breaths growing reedier as I jerked him with a tight fist. He seemed right on the edge, but I didn’t want it to end. Not yet. My hand left his throat and trailed down the knobs of his spine. I lifted the back of his shirt, forcing his elbows to the sink.

  Shoving my hand down the back of his jeans, I squeezed his firm ass.

  “So nice. You like to bottom?”

  His eyes met my reflection. “I’m not choosy. But yeah, I prefer it.”

  “Damn, now I can’t help wonderin’ how your ass might look swallowin’ my cock.”

  He trembled. “I can’t…fuck, you’re gonna make me come.”

  I sucked on the spot where his shoulder met his neck as I resumed stroking him, more sloppily this time. When I slid my finger down his crease and lightly circled his hole, he lost it. I watched in the mirror as he groaned and shuddered out his release, felt his seed spilling over my knuckles. Fucking hell.