Have Mercy

by Christina Lee

  We’d definitely become close, and I was pretty certain that what we’d shared the other night was as incredible to him as it was to me. But I still wasn’t sure where we stood. Not that we could stand anywhere. We’d agreed this would be a summer fling, and now that it was coming to an end, I supposed I was desperate for any more crumbs I could get from him. More than those looks of longing across the table or the knowing smile? Jesus, wasn’t that enough? Not like I was doling out the feelings like they were candy, and he was probably being just as careful as me.

  But there were always so many words arranging themselves on my lips whenever he was around, even if I was too chicken to say them out loud. What good would it do anyway?

  I care about you. I more than care about you.

  And Christ, when I’d heard him humming a bit off-tune to Mercy last night in the stables after we’d fed the horses and brought them inside, it nearly killed me. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and ask him to stay. But that line of thinking wouldn’t help either of us. Besides, Julian had a life to get back to, along with his sister’s wedding, so it was wrong of me to imagine him staying put on the farm. Would he even want this sort of life? And what in the world would Sienna think? And everyone else, for that matter.

  “What’cha doing, Daddy?” Ainsley asked, coming up behind me, and I was so startled, I nearly dropped my phone. The basket she was carrying was empty, so she must’ve just finished collecting and delivering eggs to Marta.

  “I’m taking some photos for Julian to remember us by. Want to help?”

  “Yes!” she said, so enthusiastically, it made my heart sing. So we left the paddock and walked hand in hand around the property, snapping photos, slowly making our way toward the silo. He had surprised Sienna with a sign over the doorway the other night, and it would make an awesome shot for our collection.

  “It can be our little surprise for him,” I said as an idea began taking shape.

  When she didn’t respond, I looked down at where she stood frowning. “What’s wrong, honey?”

  “Does Julian have to leave us?” she asked with a trembling lip, and my face nearly crumbled from the desperation in her tone that reflected my own.

  Truth was, I wanted him to stay, to be part of our little family.

  He’s already part of your family, stupid.

  Fuck, why did that stark reminder always have to ruin the little fantasy?

  “He does. I’m sorry.” I wound my arms around her shoulders. “He lives in another state and was only here for the summer.”

  She sniffled. “Will he come back and visit us?”

  “I sure hope so.” And I did. Even though it would be under different circumstances and we could never pick back up where we left off because that would add all sorts of complications to the mix.

  Unfortunately, Ainsley was terrible at keeping secrets, so when she blurted out our picture-taking adventure today at the dinner table, I shot her a withering look before shaking my head in amusement. “We thought we’d text them to you once you got home so you could have something to remember us by.”

  “You’re kidding,” Julian replied, his eyes looking a bit misty. “That’s the coolest idea. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” Ainsley said, then suddenly stood up and launched herself into his arms. “We’ll miss you.”

  Sienna’s shocked expression matched my own as we stared at the pair, who had no doubt formed their own bond.

  “I’ll miss you too,” Julian said around a tight throat just as Hamlet snorted under his feet, and everyone laughed. “You too, little stinker.”

  After dinner we went out on the porch to enjoy the night breeze with some lemonade and cookies Marta had left us. Then we all said our good-nights.

  Since Julian had been in my bed, I’d had difficultly sleeping soundly through the night. Not that the sheets still smelled like him, because no way I wouldn’t launder them after we made such a mess, but I wished I could’ve at least kept my pillowcase unwashed for another week so I could smell him. Though that might’ve been a bad idea too.

  In the middle of tossing and turning, I heard a familiar sound of distress. Julian was having another one of his dreams. He hadn’t had a bad one in a while—or not any I’d been witness to—but I knew that didn’t mean his troubles were solved.

  PTSD was serious for many, and his experiences would haunt him for years to come. My chest ached with a new awareness that I wouldn’t be able to help him through his episodes for much longer. I’d come to know the signs and to watch for them, so the thought of not being there for him was eating me alive. It was ridiculous, though, because he’d already had many others in his corner before he even arrived at the farm. His mom and sister, the service buddies he still communicated with, and his social worker at the VA.

  So why was it still upsetting to me?

  On autopilot, I rolled out of bed, slipped on some shorts, and padded quickly through the bathroom to his room. He was muttering and struggling in his sheets. As I drew nearer, I could see the sheen of sweat on his skin, and his features looked haunted.

  “Julian,” I whispered, trying to stir him awake, to no avail.

  So I did the only thing that came to mind. Drawing his sheets open, I scooted onto his bed and enveloped his thrashing form in my arms, surrounding him in warmth and protection.

  “Shh, you’re okay. It’s me, Kerry.” I felt him stiffen against me before his muscles slackened a little. “You’re on my farm in Wyoming. You’re home.”

  Home. Why had I said that? Because I wanted it to be true, I realized, the truth hitting me square in the gut. Him, home safe and sound here in Wyoming sounded like music to my ears.

  “Kerry?” Julian said in a muted voice.

  I swallowed roughly. “I’m here.”

  He turned and buried his head against my throat, his body trembling, and seeing him so vulnerable was my undoing.

  I didn’t even think twice as I peppered his sweaty hair and temple and wet cheeks with kisses. “Was it the explosion again?”

  “Yeah.” He sounded so downtrodden that I wrapped him more tightly in my arms. “Thought things were getting better, but guess not.”

  “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. No way that kind of trauma leaves that easily. The good news is that it has been getting better.”

  “Okay, you’re right,” he admitted, then settled against me, his muscles going lax.

  After another minute, I loosened myself from his embrace and brought a wet washcloth from the bathroom. As I wiped his face and neck, it dawned on me how much it meant to be there for him. How much joy and reassurance and comfort it brought me.

  How much peace and hope and love.

  Brushing that thought away, I filled a glass with water from the tap and offered it to him. “Better?”

  “Better.” He placed the glass on the nightstand. “Thanks for taking such good care of me.”

  “I like it,” I replied without any forethought because it was the plain truth.

  “I like it too.”

  There was silence as thick tension curled around us. We did that staring thing again as my heart rose to my throat and ballooned with overwhelming emotions that nearly choked me.

  “Okay, well…” I struggled to make my lips move as well as my legs. “I’m gonna head back to bed.”

  His hand curled around my wrist before I could step away. “Stay? There’s not much time left…and I…”

  “I shouldn’t,” I whispered, but there was no teeth to my objection.

  “Just five more minutes.”

  I relented, sliding under the warm sheets and sighing when he curled against my chest again. It felt too fucking good to hold him.

  I waited until his breaths evened out before scooting toward the edge of the bed. When I tried to stand up, he whimpered in his sleep, and I became concerned he would have another dream. So I sank back down on the mattress, outside the covers this time, and stroked his hair until he fell into a deeper slum
ber. Then my eyes drifted closed for just a minute.

  “Kerry?” Sienna’s voice roused me from my sleep. It was filled with alarm, and my eyes instantly sprang open.

  Fuck, I was still in Julian’s room. I stumbled off the bed, lifted my hand to my lips to caution against waking him, then followed her through the bathroom, shutting both doors behind us.

  “What’s up?” I asked, still feeling in protective mode. But it didn’t last long before shame began unfurling in my gut about what Julian and I must’ve looked like.

  “What the heck is going on?” Her eyes were wide with disbelief edged with fear. “I came to wake you because you missed your shift with the cows.”

  “Shit.” My hand flew to my mouth. “I never heard my alarm.”

  And Julian certainly hadn’t woken naturally like he normally did.

  She folded her arms. “I bet you didn’t.”

  “What the hell?” I motioned over my shoulder. “Julian was having another nightmare, and I went in to wake him up. He was sweaty and shaking, and I felt bad for him, so I got him a wet rag…and…and…”

  “And?” She lifted an eyebrow. “You were in his bed, Kerry.”

  “Yeah, I stayed to make sure he was okay, and I must’ve fallen asleep.”

  She shifted her gaze away and muttered, “Looked like more than that.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked in a weak voice, pacing away from her, trying to get some much needed air into my lungs. Was this how shit was going to hit the fan? Right before his departure?

  She squared her shoulders. “You care about him.”

  “Of course I do,” I admitted. “We’ve grown close.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “He’s my cousin.”

  “You think I don’t know that?” I replied through clenched teeth, but what I really wanted to do was yell at the top of my lungs. Of course I fucking know that. Why do you think I’ve been struggling with my feelings for weeks? Fucking weeks, Sienna.

  “I just…I don’t know how to feel about what I saw.”

  Anger, guilt, and sorrow mixed like a perfect storm inside me until it finally erupted. “Because he’s your cousin or because he’s a man?”

  Her cheeks grew bright red as she looked away.

  I fucking hated the constant guilt I was living under. And for what?

  “Christ, Sienna.” I roughly shoved my fingers through my hair. “I’m sorry I messed up your life, but how long do I have to pay for it?”

  She pointed a finger in my face. “That’s not fair!”

  “You’re all up in my business, yet you can’t admit you’ve been seeing Brad,” I nearly growled. “Ever wondered what your life would look like if you didn’t ignore your feelings all those years ago and married him instead?”

  She tightened her jaw. “All the damned time.”

  Fuck, that felt like a physical blow, and I staggered back, gripping the dresser behind me.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” Her voice was soft and conciliatory. “I don’t want us to lob horrible words at each other just because there’s a breakdown in communication. I don’t want to become those kind of exes.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “Neither do I.”

  The room grew stiflingly quiet, and I had the urge to flee, but we still needed to hash this shit out.

  I turned toward her. “Answer me honestly, Sienna. Are you seeing Brad?”

  “I…I don’t know?”

  I wasn’t sure if she meant she didn’t know how she felt about him or that the two of them hadn’t quite figured it out yet.

  “Do you want to be seeing him?”

  “Yes,” she said with more conviction than I’d heard in a while.

  I threw up my hands. “Then goddamn it, go after what you want.”

  She toed the floor with her boot. “What about our daughter?”

  “She’ll see that we still love her and respect each other, and she’ll adjust. I promise,” I said, even though admitting it was killing me inside. But I’d need to deal with whatever changes Sienna’s newfound relationship brought. It was always inevitable, so it was time to bite the bullet. “You need to be happy.”

  “And how about you?” she asked in a hesitant voice.

  My shoulders sagged. “Don’t worry about me.”

  “I don’t want any animosity between us, Kerry. Yes, you turned my life upside down, but you’re not the only one to blame.” She sighed. “You’re a good man and a great dad. You stuck by me so we could raise our daughter together, but if this arrangement is to the detriment of your happiness…”

  “My daughter is the only happiness I need right now. Besides, I get my needs met when I—”

  “Drive into town? I’m not stupid.”

  Panic arose inside me before quickly dispersing. I was so fucking tired of being afraid of who I was. “Not sure what you want me to say. That’s good enough for now.”

  “Is it?” she countered.

  “It’ll have to be.” I yanked a shirt over my head. “Now let me go milk some cows.”

  27

  Julian

  Kerry had been acting more withdrawn, even a bit sullen, since my nightmare two nights ago, and I wondered if it was some sort of a defense mechanism. Like he needed to place distance between us, and even though it was something I understood, it didn’t sit well. Not after everything we’d shared and what he’d come to mean to me.

  But he and Sienna seemed to be walking on eggshells around each other as well, so I could only conclude that something had happened between them. An argument about Brad? A decision that affected their family life? Bills?

  I wanted to ask Kerry during the milking that morning, then later when Sienna and I were putting the last touches on the silo, but ultimately, I decided it wasn’t my place.

  Sienna did seem to be studying me more closely as we unloaded products from the boxes, and then again while I was touching up some paint on the door, but I also might’ve been hypersensitive to, well, everything. It was my last day on the farm, each interaction seemed a bit weightier, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle additional pressure to my already heavy heart.

  The worst was my final visit with Mercy in the stables. I tried not to get emotional as I offered him my last sugar cube in his stall. Thankfully I was alone, so if I did end up blubbering, it would most likely go unnoticed. Though probably not to Kerry. He seemed innately attuned to everything when it came to me.

  “Thanks for helping me see myself through your eyes.” I rubbed Mercy’s neck, my voice thick with sentiment. “And for helping me wade through some of the dark stuff inside me.” My voice cracked, but I quickly composed myself, not wanting to startle him. “Not sure I could’ve done it without you.” Without someone else on this farm either. I smooched his nose. “Hope I helped you some too.”

  As I left the stables and made my way to dinner, I glanced over the farmland, seeing it through new eyes. Everything would change as soon as I stepped on that plane. Gone would be the rolling hills and pretty mountain views, to be replaced by crowded sidewalks and glittering lights. No more smelly cows, funny pigs, or cute goats.

  Majestic horses and beautiful cowboys.

  God, I’d miss this damned place. Or maybe I was being melodramatic. I thought I’d miss the desert too. Or rather the people in it. And that was really what it came down to, wasn’t it? The connections you made to people or places or things.

  I’d get over the ache of another loss and learn to appreciate the experience just like with other things. Still, I was trading the quiet outdoors for blaring horns and a life I didn’t have my feet firmly rooted in. But I’d get there eventually, and being here had helped me see everything more clearly.

  When I walked inside, everyone was waiting for me at the dinner table. Marta had made a farewell dinner of her famous chili, with extra cornbread to take on my flight, and it was almost too much.

  George raised his glass in the middle of it all, made a nice toast, and complimented my wo
rk at the silo. “Come back and see us again soon.”

  “I will.” I clinked everyone’s glass. When I got to Kerry and our eyes met, his softened briefly, and it nearly gutted me.

  Afterward, we all retreated to the porch for some lemonade and Marta’s amazing melt-in-your-mouth apple pie, and we discussed my early morning flight and Sienna driving me to the airport.

  “Seems like ages ago that I picked you up this summer.”

  “Right?” I almost wanted to insist Kerry drive me instead, but it was probably best that he didn’t. I didn’t think I could muster the strength to get out of the truck if he was sitting beside me, and maybe he was having the same thought because he didn’t offer or object to the plan and neither did anyone else.

  Ainsley gave me a hug along with a parting gift. A word-search puzzle book for the plane, she said, and that along with Marta’s thoughtfulness and the heaviness in the air left me feeling pretty raw. Until Kerry quietly left the porch, then came back with a medium-sized package wrapped in brown butcher paper.

  I felt on display as he handed it to me, most notably to Sienna.

  “Open it when you get home,” he said casually, but his fingers were trembling, so I knew he was only trying to seem nonchalant. When Ainsley tried to guess the gift, Kerry swept her up in his arms, tickled her gently, then told her it was time for bed.

  As they abruptly said their good-nights and I watched him carry her through the doorway, I was glad for the reprieve from all the scrutiny as well as not having a dragged-out, formal goodbye in front of everyone else.

  Besides, the gift would be enough. Whatever it was.

  But I did hug Marta and George goodbye and told Sienna I’d see her in the morning before booking it down to my room, afraid I was going to lose it in front of them.