Have Mercy

by Christina Lee

  Hamlet waddled behind me, and I lifted him to the edge of my bed, wishing he’d chosen another room because it only served as an additional reminder of my inevitable departure. But maybe somehow, he knew I needed the company right then.

  As I lay in bed, I heard Kerry use the bathroom, and I could’ve sworn I briefly heard the doorknob jiggle on my side before he cut the lights and padded away. So maybe he’d had the same idea as me before scrapping it. The urge to say more before it was too late.

  I rolled out of bed and tiptoed toward his side of the bathroom. I knocked quietly, then waited. When I heard his murmur of assent, I went in, and found him lying in bed, facing me.

  “Is this okay?” I asked in a tentative tone, approaching him.

  His gaze darted toward the door to make sure it was closed before he nodded.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll only be here a minute.”

  “I just don’t want anyone to think…”

  “I get it.” Though his hesitation made me feel unsettled. “Did something happen?”

  “Sienna and I had some words, and I confronted her about Brad.” So my suspicions had been correct. He sighed and shifted in bed. “And she also… She might suspect somethin’ more between us, so it’s better we just leave it…”

  “Enough said.” Fuck, I did not want to ruin anything for him.

  The idea made me hesitate, and I almost turned toward the bathroom, when he reached for my hand. And just that small gesture made me feel connected again, which was flimsy at best. But I’d felt out of sorts the last couple of days, so feeling his warm touch settled my chaotic brain. Even better if we could only retreat inside our little bubble, where it was just me and him against the world. Except that was a false equivalence. It was never us together, no matter how much it felt like it sometimes. It was just one summer of making each other feel good, on borrowed time.

  So why the hell was I standing in his room in the middle of the night?

  “Everythin’ okay?” he asked, and the way his features softened right then was unnerving. It made me want to curl up in a ball against his chest like I’d done the other night.

  I briefly squeezed my eyes shut. “Yeah, sure. I just…” Here goes nothing. “I didn’t want to leave without you knowing—”

  “You don’t have to say anything to me…” he interrupted, but when I placed my finger to my lips, his response trailed off.

  “Let me get it out,” I told him, my throat suddenly tight with emotion.

  “Okay.” He lifted the covers and held them open in invitation, and I wanted so badly to feel his warmth one last time. But I hesitated because it would only renew my longing for him.

  Instead, I sat down on the edge of the mattress and entangled our fingers. “I had no real expectations coming out here this summer. In fact, I considered the possibility that I might not even last.”

  He chuckled a little and squeezed my hand.

  “I’ve never…experienced this sort of thing before,” I admitted, and I could feel my pulse pounding in my ears.

  “What do you mean?” he asked in a hoarse voice, and I was grateful for the darkened room to help disguise my vulnerability.

  “This thing between us…this wild attraction and overwhelming connection…” When I heard his breath catch, I pushed forward, bolstered by his reaction, hoping it meant he felt the same. “You’ve come to mean something to me.”

  He grasped my hand to his chest, and I could feel his heart thrashing against my palm. “You mean somethin’ to me too.”

  I inhaled sharply. “Fuck.”

  “But, Julian—”

  “I know what you’re gonna say,” I blurted out, afraid to hear the words from his lips. “That this can’t work…that we’re family, even though we’re technically not…that it’s not the right time… And you’re probably right.”

  I could see him holding his breath as so many emotions swirled in his irises.

  “So thank you for this little slice of happiness. That’s it. That was all I wanted to say. It was—”

  “Fuckin’ hell.” He sprang up so suddenly, it took me by surprise, and before I knew what was happening, my face was in his hands and he was crushing our lips together in a blistering kiss that lasted forever and no time at all. As he drew back, he brushed his lips against my cheeks and temple and the corner of my mouth. “I was going to come to you…but I was afraid saying it out loud would feel too raw, too brutal.”

  I gripped his waist and drew him nearer, our foreheads close together. “Say it anyway before we run out of time.”

  He stared into my eyes a long moment, the tenderness in his gaze my undoing. “I wanted to tell you that, in any other circumstance, I’d want to try, with you.”

  My fingers latched on to his neck, and this time when our mouths met, it was with a frantic desperation that made my heart positively throb. His mouth was scorching hot and unbearably tender, and I finally had to wrench myself away before I was in over my head again.

  I stood up and stepped away, nearly toppling backward.

  He didn’t try to reach for me again, knowing as well as I did that it was time.

  I stared down at his handsome face once more as my eyes became watery with emotion, then stumbled to the door. With Hamlet snuggling closer in my sheets, I felt a bit less lonely. Even his soft snore in my ear was a comfort tonight.

  Still, sleep came in fits and starts, and by the time I met Sienna outside, I was desperate to get on the road and away from the farm. The moon was still shining in the early dawn sky, and I focused on it while getting my head in order.

  The ride to the airport was filled with thick tension I couldn’t readily explain.

  “Will you keep in touch with Kerry?” Sienna asked, pulling up to the departure door.

  “Yes, of course,” I replied, but I had trouble looking her in the eye.

  “Okay, good.” She looked away guiltily.

  “Why do you—”

  “He needs someone in his corner,” she said plainly, but there was bald regret in her features. “And your friendship is important to him.”

  “It’s important to me too.”

  We hugged goodbye, and I waved as she pulled away from the curb, my chest tight and achy.

  What in the hell was that about?

  I took a deep breath, walked into the airport, and back toward my real life.

  28

  Kerry

  I lifted the pitchfork and scooped some fresh straw for Rocket’s bed. I had just returned from a short ride after dinner to clear my head. My gaze naturally slid toward Mercy’s stall because it somehow made me feel closer to Julian.

  It’d only been three days since he left, but it sure seemed longer. The farm felt a bit less bright without his easy smile, and there was a constant throb dead center in my chest that no amount of rubbing would alleviate.

  But there was little time to sulk because the autumn season would be bearing down upon us soon. In addition to our regular duties, that meant hiring part-timers, administering vaccinations, collecting firewood, and fixing faulty farm equipment so we could keep up with the demands of the harvest.

  The fact that Firefly Goods would be opening soon too meant it was all hands on deck. And because we couldn’t predict how well the business might do, Sienna would initially be running it solo, with additional part-time help from her mom—and me of course, doing anything she needed in support.

  So why couldn’t I stop wondering what Julian would think of the autumn and winter seasons in Wyoming? We might not have had the bustle of city life, but we had gorgeous scenery to get us through the more frigid nights.

  Okay, I sounded like a postcard, but I couldn’t seem to help myself.

  In any other circumstance, I’d want to try, with you.

  I meant those words, but in retrospect regretted saying them. Because now that he was gone and there was a visceral hole in my life, the honest truth was that I’d want him in any circumstance, to hell with the consequen
ces.

  Too little, too late. Because of course I needed to be the honorable one, sensible too, in order to prove to everyone I’d hurt that I could still hold everything together. Even if it was my own heart that was crumbling in the process.

  By now he’d have been fitted for his tux, which no doubt he’d filled out nicely, and preparing to travel with his family to his sister’s wedding. The people he left behind back here in little old Wyoming were probably far from his thoughts.

  I’d even considered texting him some of the photos Ainsley and I had taken that one day, hoping it would remind him of us, but I didn’t want to push, so I’d give it more time or wait for him to reach out to me. Because part of missing him also meant longing for his companionship. I didn’t realize how lonesome I’d feel in that department until I was left to milk the cows without him the last few mornings. Pathetic.

  And somehow Sienna made it worse by checking to make sure I was okay every other minute, like I’d fall apart at the seams right in front of her eyes. Sometimes it felt like I would.

  Speak of the devil, I paused when I heard her pitched voice at the stable entrance.

  “What’s wrong, Brad?” She frantically motioned to me. “He’s right here.”

  My pulse skyrocketed. Had something happened to my parents?

  “I’ll tell him,” she said as she strode toward me.

  “What’s going on?”

  “A handful of cattle got through a weak spot in the fencing on the west end of their property.” My head flew in the direction of the pond. Right where their ranch butted up against our farm. The area I tried reinforcing during the storm. Goddamn it. “Brad is hoping you’ll help head them off from here.”

  I threw the pitchfork down, thankful I hadn’t unsaddled Rocket yet. I hoped he didn’t fuss over having to leave again in such a hurry.

  I talked to him in a soothing tone as I untied him and led him outside, and before I knew it, I was galloping toward the northern end of our property. Cattle aimlessly wandering in an unbound area could be an accident waiting to happen. Cows practiced herd mentality, moving in groups and sleeping huddled together. It was their way, so once one of them got going, the rest were quick to follow.

  My fear was they’d get close to pedestrians or traffic, where a motorist wouldn’t see them in time. With that thought in mind, I changed course slightly, heading toward the main road, looking east and west, trying to spot them. Rocket was being a sport, responding well to my urgent tone and keeping us at a good pace.

  I counted at least six stray cattle in the distance, moving at a decent clip, and just as I suspected, gunning straight for the main road. Once they got going, it could be hard to slow them down or force them in a different direction, and in this case, they needed to turn the fuck around and head the opposite way.

  As I approached, I slowed Rocket way down, my instincts kicking in. The most important thing was to keep from charging and poking and ordering them around. I couldn’t say how many times I saw that sort of nervous bravado from newbs on the ranch, trying to move cattle their way or the highway, all to prove they had the chops. Usually it resulted in frustration on both ends.

  Instead, I let out a low whistle to get their attention, then came at them in a zigzag pattern, and good old Rocket followed my lead, letting me tug on his reins this way or that to approach them at a pace that didn’t intimidate them. After some initial chaos, I got two of them to turn in a wide arc that eventually led in the opposite direction, and thankfully the dawdlers fell into line.

  Soon enough Brad met us on our path, and together we herded them toward the broken fence, where Travis was stationed, keeping the rest of the cattle away until it could be repaired.

  Once we drove them back through to their property, we filled Travis in, and they seemed certain there were no other stragglers. Brad high-fived me, and it felt like a little moment between us, like in my own way I was giving him my approval to date Sienna.

  Silly maybe, but intense all the same. Even if the trajectory of our future as a family unit was going to change sooner rather than later.

  Travis thanked me for my help, and Brad motioned that he’d take it from there. I briefly watched as they drove the stray cattle back to the larger herd out in the pasture just as Hunter approached on a four-wheeler with supplies to repair the fence.

  I dismounted Rocket and bent over, trying to catch my breath, because it’d been a minute since I’d ridden that hard, and I was sure Rocket appreciated the reprieve as well. Then I led my horse to the edge of the small pond to get some water in him. The same pond where I’d brought Julian. It was like some déjà vu with Hunter standing just on the other side. I quickly thrust that thought from my brain before I became melodramatic.

  I tied Rocket under a shady tree branch, then joined Hunter near the portion of the fence that was always giving us trouble.

  “I figured we should replace these two wooden slats and shore up the bracing on each end,” I said, pointing to the damaged areas.

  “Was thinking the same thing. Brought some two-by-fours.”

  “Cool.” I reached for the hammer and nails while he unloaded the wood, and then we set to work together, reinforcing the fence. This time it would probably hold through a couple of hard winters.

  When we finished the task, I sank to the grass and swiped at my sweaty brow with my forearm. Instead of hopping on his vehicle and hightailing it back to the ranch, Hunter took a load off beside me. He seemed contemplative, like he had been that day at the fair, and I again wondered if he was going through something. I wanted to ask, but I also didn’t want to be disappointed if he shut me down.

  “What, no thanks?” I playfully nudged his shoulder. “I’ve been houndin’ you and Travis about the fence for months.”

  Quite honestly, I could’ve hopped over to their side to fix it myself, so I supposed I was as pigheaded as Hunter sometimes. Julian might’ve said as much about my stubbornness.

  “Yeah…yeah, we know,” Hunter scoffed. “Go ahead and say it.”

  “Nah, we’re not kids anymore.” I didn’t want to fight with my brother or hold any more grudges, but he sure did make it hard.

  “We’re sure not, are we?” A strange look crossed his face, like something had just clicked for him. He glanced at me as if weighing his options, and then his eyes swept over my shoulder somewhere. “I’ve always been jealous of you.”

  “Of me?” I sputtered, wondering if I’d heard him right. “What are you talking about?”

  “You get to live your life or whatever,” he said with a bit of bite.

  Seriously? A spike of anger arose inside me. “And what a life it is.” I rolled my eyes as the bitter words formed on my lips. “I’m practically an outcast, even in my own family.”

  “Fuck.” Red streaked his cheeks. “I’ve been an asshole to you.”

  “Can’t argue with you there.”

  “I deserve that. I might not understand your sexuality, but you’re my brother and I should’ve…I dunno…not been such a bitter jackass about everything.”

  “Might’ve helped if I knew you were bitter and not just an outright homophobe.”

  “A little of both,” he admitted. “Travis has been riding my ass about it, and rightly so.”

  I smiled a little, imagining Travis lecturing him about being a better brother—human being, even.

  “Probably won’t believe me, but I never let the guys talk shit about you,” he said, in reference to the group of friends we’d seen him with at the rodeo. “Doesn’t happen anymore, but it did when you first…came out or whatever it’s called.”

  “Yeah?” I replied, and he nodded. I didn’t even know what to say to that. “Thanks?”

  He shrugged, pink still tinging his cheeks. “I know it’s not much. Just wanted you to know.”

  A quiet sort of tension grew between us as my brain flickered through the whirlwind of confessions he’d dumped in my lap. Maybe he was having a come-to-Jesus moment or somet
hing. But the thought of him being envious of me, after all the bullshit, was…something.

  “What is it you want to do anyway?” I asked. “Rodeo circuit?”

  “Not necessarily.” He looked away, biting his lip. “Just…decide for myself, is all.”

  “I get it. It’s important to have the freedom…to become who you were meant to be. Maybe now you can understand why my marriage to Sienna wasn’t a good fit, after all?”

  His eyes widened, cartoonish-like, in a light bulb sort of moment. Thank fuck. About time.

  “Don’t get me wrong, I made plenty of mistakes. Ignoring who I was, for one. And all the shame that comes with that.” Not that he’d really understand, but it was nice to have the opportunity to say it to him, finally. And he was definitely listening because his eyes were trained on me pretty intently. “Marryin’ Sienna was another. Except I really can’t say that because now we have Ainsley, you know? Wouldn’t want it any other way.”

  He nodded, seeming to chew on that.

  “I know it’s taken me too damned long to come around,” he said in a solemn voice. “For what it’s worth, I’m tryin’ to do better now. Obviously, I’ve still got a ways to go. I’m learnin’ to accept that you’re gay and you’re not tryin’ to hurt nobody.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  “Well, I’m learning to accept that you’re super straight,” I joked, waving my hand. “And had to watch you flirt with all the available ladies of Cottonwood Creek my entire life.”

  Okay, not all of them. But he’d had his fair share of girlfriends over the years, just hadn’t found the one yet. Maybe now he would. Or at least be less of a jackass.

  When he burst out laughing, something in my chest loosened, and I couldn’t help smiling in return. That hadn’t happened in a long time between us, and damn, it felt good. Like when we were kids and we forgot to be mad at each other for one thing or another.

  “Bet Dad’ll say he’s so proud his boys worked the herd again together,” he said with exaggerated air quotes.