Almost Never

by Melissa Toppen

  “But you can stomp on mine without a problem?”

  “I didn’t stomp on your heart.”

  “No?” I fight to keep my composure. “You were my best friend, Hope. You were my confidant, the person I could go to for anything. And then you dropped me like I meant nothing to you. Did you never stop to consider what that would do to me? Or were you too concerned about Lucy to care about anyone else? Guess some things never change,” I mutter the last part to myself, but Hope catches every word.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “You’re entire friendship you’ve been catering to Lucy. Sacrificing your happiness and the things that you want for her. All the while, you can’t see what everyone else does.”

  “Which is what?”

  “That she doesn’t deserve you.”

  “Now you’re just being an asshole.”

  “No, I’m being honest. And while we’re on the topic of honesty, I would like to point out that lying by omission is still lying. No matter how much you tell yourself you’re protecting Lucy, the truth still remains that we did sleep together. Nothing will change that.”

  “You think I don’t know that? You think I’m not sick to my stomach with guilt every time I talk to her? I hate what we did. I hate that I’m lying to her. But mostly, I hate that I want to do it again.”

  I’m almost certain I’ve heard her wrong. Did she just say she wants to do it again?

  “Don’t you get it? That’s why I blew you off. I knew the only way to end it was to cut all ties. Because if I saw you, or even talked to you, I knew I’d never have the strength to let you go. And I have to let you go, Alec. No matter how badly I want you and me together, we can’t.” She drops her hands from my neck and steps back, despite my best effort to keep her close. “I love you, Alec. I’ve always loved you. I probably always will. But I won’t hurt Lulu any more than I already have. I can’t be that friend. I won’t be. If you care about me at all, you’ll respect that and not try to contact me again.” With that, she spins around and leaves me standing alone on the dance floor. If possible, I’m even more confused now than I was before.

  I want to go after her. I want to hold her close until there is no space between us. Until everything is resolved and she realizes that cutting me out of her life isn’t the answer. But knowing I can’t do that without making a scene, I spin on my heel and take off toward the bar. After everything Hope just said, I’m going to need a strong drink. Or maybe ten.

  ——

  “You doing okay there, buddy?” Henry slides up next to me as I polish off my sixth whiskey in less than an hour. Or is it my seventh? Hell, it might be my eighth. I’m pretty sure I stopped counting after four and now I’m guessing.

  I sway slightly on my stool.

  “Nope,” I tell him, sliding the empty glass across the bar before asking for another.

  “I take it things didn’t go so well with my sister?”

  “That’s putting it mildly.” I grunt, nodding to the bartender who sets a fresh drink in front of me.

  “You might want to slow down.” Henry nods toward the drink.

  “Nah.” I lift the glass to my lips and dump half the contents back in one gulp. “What I need to do is talk to Lucy.”

  “Now might not be the best time.”

  “No, I think now is the perfect time.” I kill the remainder of my drink, slamming the glass back down on the bar.

  I push to my feet, the rush of the alcohol running through my veins fueling my movements.

  “Alec, let’s talk about this.” He’s trying to reason with me but I’m too inebriated to hear any of it. I know what I need to do and no one is going to stop me.

  Leaving Henry standing at the bar, I set off across the room in search of Lucy. I find her sitting at the table with Hope and a couple of others who haven’t joined the festivities on the dance floor.

  Are they doing the fucking chicken dance?

  I shake off the thought and hone in on Lucy who smiles when she sees me.

  “We need to talk.” I tell her, ignoring the burn of Hope’s gaze on the side of my face.

  “Okay.” Lucy pushes to her feet and crosses around the table toward me.

  “Not here,” I tell her, snagging her arm. I tug her toward the door that leads into the hallway, veering around several people on my way.

  When the door snaps closed behind us, the silence settles over us like a heavy blanket.

  “Are you still in love with me?” I ask point blank, pushing past the slur in my voice.

  “Yes,” she answers without hesitation.

  “Why?”

  “Why?” She seems confused by my question.

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I never stopped.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “What do you mean, am I sure? I think I know how I feel.” She gives me a pointed look.

  “But, are you really sure or are you holding onto feelings you may have once had because you know that Hope wants to be with me?”

  “What?” She draws back, confusion marring her pretty face.

  “Don’t play stupid with me, Lucy. My patience isn’t what it normally is.”

  “What do you mean Hope wants to be with you?”

  “You can’t be that dense. She is your best friend, is she not?”

  “Yes, but she’s never said anything to me about this.”

  “Of course she hasn’t, because she loves you and she doesn’t want to hurt you.”

  “Wait, so are you saying you want to be with her? As in, you two want to be together?”

  “I’m in love with her. I have been for a long time.”

  “You’re in love with Hope?” She swallows hard.

  “I am. And I want to be with her. More than I’ve ever wanted anything. But she won’t consider the possibility because of you.”

  “So what is this then? Are you trying to get my blessing?”

  “I don’t need your blessing. But Hope does. If you care about her even a fraction of how much she cares about you, you’ll step aside and stop standing in our way.”

  “I’m not standing in your way.”

  “But you are. You’re holding onto something that was over a long time ago.”

  “Were you in love with her when we were together? How long has this been going on?”

  “There was nothing going on with Hope when we were together if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “But she loves you back?” She licks her lips like her mouth is suddenly dry.

  “She does. Or at least that’s what she says. I’m not really sure of anything right now.”

  “I... I don’t know what to say.”

  “There isn’t anything to say. At least not to me.”

  “So what are you asking me to do? Go to Hope and tell her it’s okay if she’s in love with my ex-boyfriend?” She shakes her head. “You know I can’t do that.”

  “Why? Because you can’t stand to lose?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You always have to be number one, Lucy. Always. And anything Hope wants, you have to have. And fuck if she doesn’t let you have it. But this isn’t just about Hope anymore. It’s about me too.”

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Hope’s voice washes over me from behind and I swivel to find her standing in the open doorway.

  I don’t know how I didn’t hear the music filtering into the hallway before now.

  “Hope.” Her name falls from my lips.

  “What are you doing?” Her gaze is pinned on me as she releases the door and it snaps closed.

  “What he’s doing,” Lucy cuts in, “is filling me in on how you two are supposedly in love with each other.”

  “What?” Hope draws back like she’s been slapped across the face, her eyes bouncing between me and Lucy.

  “So are you going to admit it or are you going to stand there looking like a deer in the headlights?” Lucy
crosses her arms in front of herself.

  “Lu, I can explain.”

  “Explain what? How you’ve been lying to me? How you’ve listened to me talk about Alec countless times and never thought to mention that, I don’t know, you’re in love with him.”

  “I wanted to tell you...”

  “And yet, you didn’t.” Lucy cuts her off again.

  “I wanted to,” Hope says again. “But I didn’t know how.”

  “So then what? You two have just been having this secret affair behind my back?”

  “It’s not an affair. I swear, Lu. It was only one time and I cut all ties directly after because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  The color drains from Lucy’s face. I hadn’t planned on telling Lucy about our night in New York. Clearly Hope didn’t know that.

  “What was only one time?” Lucy looks at me before her eyes swing back to her best friend.

  Hope’s expression morphs to panic.

  “Oh my god,” Lucy continues before either of us have a chance to answer. “You slept with him?” She steps toward Hope, anger the most prominent emotion on her face.

  “It was before I knew you still had feelings for him.”

  “You slept with him!” Lucy’s voice echoes down the long hallway which is miraculously still empty.

  “Yes, but Lu, let me explain.”

  “You slut!” She juts her finger into Hope’s face. “You fucking dirty slut!”

  “That’s enough.” I sidestep in front of Lucy, blocking Hope. “You and I had been over for two years. Neither of us knew you still had feelings for me.”

  “Stay the hell out of this. I think you’ve done enough.” Lucy shoves at my chest, and because of my intoxicated state, I stumble to the side, giving her access to Hope. “I thought you were my friend.” She gets so close to Hope that their noses are almost touching.

  “I am your friend.”

  “No, you’re a lying, backstabbing whore that I never want to see again!”

  “Lu, please. You don’t mean that.”

  “Yes I do. I hate you. I fucking hate you!” she spits, spinning on her heel before taking off through the double doors that lead outside before either of us can stop her.

  My eyes find Hope to see the tears building in her own. Her chin quivers and when I take a step toward her, she holds her hands up and takes a step back.

  “Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted?”

  “I just want you.”

  “Well you just saw to it that you will never have me, Alec. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.” She lets out a soft sob as she shoves past me and disappears inside the ballroom.

  I’m at a loss.

  This was not how I expected everything to go down. I thought I could reason with Lucy. Make her see that Hope and I make each other happy. Instead, I may have lost Hope forever.

  Needing some fresh air, I push my way outside and flop down onto the top step, running my hands through my hair.

  I do a quick sweep of the parking lot, not sure where Lucy went or how the hell she intends to get home, considering she rode with me. Hell, at this point I’m not sure how I’m getting home.

  “Fuck,” I grumble, dropping my head between my knees.

  I really messed this one up.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I raise my fist to the front door of Hope’s mom’s house and rap lightly against the thick wood. I have no idea how I ended up here. I wandered aimlessly for hours, running through everything in my head as the fog of the whiskey lifted. I walked for miles to get here, not having one damn idea what to say once I arrived.

  Things seemed bad when I was drunk. Now that I’m sober they seem so much worse.

  I didn’t have a chance to speak to Hope before she and Henry left the reception. Not long after her altercation with Lucy, she said her goodbyes and snuck out the back entrance with Henry before I had any clue they had left.

  The porch light flips on and I immediately take a step back when the door opens and Wendy appears on the other side.

  “Alec, what are you doing here? It’s late.”

  “I know. I’m sorry to show up like this but I really need to speak to Hope.”

  “I’m sorry but she doesn’t want to see you.” Apology lines her face.

  “I know. I screwed things up really bad tonight, but Wendy, I have to talk to her. I have to make this right.”

  “It’s okay, Mom.” I hear Hope before I see her. Wendy steps to the side to let her daughter pass. Pushing open the screen door, she joins me on the porch, turning her attention back to her mom. “Give us a couple minutes and I’ll come back inside.”

  Wendy looks between the two of us, nodding once before closing the door, leaving us alone.

  “I’m so sorry, Hope.”

  “Don’t.” She shakes her head, sliding past me before taking a seat on the old wood porch swing behind me.

  I turn, not moving toward her until she pats the spot next to her. I hesitantly take a seat, careful to keep a few inches of space between us.

  She begins to rock us slowly, back and forth, her hands gripping the edge of the swing as she leans slightly forward.

  “I didn’t mean...” I try again, only to have Hope cut me off.

  “You know, this was always my favorite spot as a child. Whenever I would get upset or need some time to think, I’d come out here. Sometimes I’d swing for hours. I don’t know why, but out here.” She takes a deep inhale of the night air and then blows it out. “Out here I always felt like I could breathe. The world seemed so much bigger than me, yet at the same time, like it belonged to me.”

  “What happened tonight...” I start after several beats of silence float between us.

  “What happened tonight should have happened a long time ago,” she admits, keeping her gaze forward. “I should have told Lucy how I felt about you from the very beginning, but I didn’t. I could have been honest with her after you two broke up, but I wasn’t. I had the last year to come clean to her about what happened between us. Instead I chose to bury it, to pretend like it didn’t happen even though I think about that night all the time. I don’t regret what happened between us, Alec. I regret hurting Lucy, but not what happened. But it doesn’t change where we are now.”

  “And where are we now?” God, I’m so afraid.

  “Where we’ve always been. A step too late.” Her eyes lock on mine and there’s so much emotion behind their depths it nearly breaks me.

  “But it’s not too late, Hope. We can find a way to fix this. You and Lucy. You and me. Nothing is too late.”

  “What’s done is done. I can’t change what happened and I can’t change what I did to Lulu. I have no control over the past, only the future. And this.” She gestures between us. “This won’t work.”

  “Why not? Because of Lucy?”

  “In part, yes. But also because of our circumstances. You’re here. I’m in New York. That’s not going to change anytime soon.”

  “Then I’ll transfer.”

  “What?”

  I don’t know why she looks so surprised. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve mentioned the idea.

  “I’ll transfer. There are plenty of amazing schools in New York. Hell, some of the best. I can transfer.”

  “Alec.”

  “I’m serious, Hope. I don’t care what school I’m going to. I just want to be with you.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “No, but it can be.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “What don’t I understand?”

  “I’m leaving New York soon.” It’s my turn to look surprised.

  “What do you mean you’re leaving?”

  “I got the opportunity to study abroad for my last year of school. It’s an amazing opportunity and one that they only offer to five students each year.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Italy.”

  “Italy?” My stomach twists. It’s bad e
nough with her hundreds of miles away but now she will be thousands... The thought is almost more than I can stomach. “Italy,” I repeat, pulling in a heavy breath.

  “Italy,” she confirms.

  “Wow. That’s amazing, Hope.” I try to push past my own selfish feelings and recognize how incredible this is for her.

  “It is.” She gives me a sad smile.

  “Will you be gone just the year?” I ask.

  “I leave in two weeks and I’ll be back in May.” She nods.

  “Wow,” I repeat.

  “Yeah, wow.” She scuffs her feet across the worn wood below us.

  “But you’ll be back, right?” I offer. “A year isn’t that long.”

  “I can’t keep doing this, Alec. This up and down and back and forth. I can’t. I’ve hurt you. I’ve hurt Lucy. I don’t want to hurt the people I love anymore.”

  “So you do still love me?” The first hint of a smile graces my face.

  “You know I do. I told you that earlier.” She sits back, dropping her hand on top of mine. “I’m sorry for this past year.”

  “Don’t be.”

  “No, I am. My mom told me that you came over every week to visit. That you helped Henry with schoolwork and her around the house. I know you did that for me. So thank you.”

  “I love your family.”

  “And they love you.” She turns her head forward again. “What I did to you, blocking your number and refusing to talk to you, that was really childish and selfish of me.”

  “You did what you felt like you had to do.”

  “I’ve spent my whole life worried about what others want and need. I would give someone the shirt off my back if they needed it.”

  “I know you would.”

  “But in doing so I’ve messed up so many things. Maybe if I was a little more selfish we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now.”

  “Lucy will forgive you.”

  “But will you?”

  “Are you kidding me?” I slide my hand under her chin and guide her face back in my direction. “There is nothing to forgive.”

  “I wish that were true.” She lets out a half sob, half laugh. “I spent the last year trying to pretend like you didn’t exist. I knew it wasn’t working. You were the first person I thought of every morning when I opened my eyes and the last person I thought of every night as I closed them. No matter how hard I tried to push you out, you were always there, reminding me of how much I need you in my life. And still I didn’t reach out. When I saw you today...” She pauses. “It took everything in me not to run into your arms.”