Almost Never

by Melissa Toppen

  “I wish you would have.”

  “Me too.” Her lip twitches.

  “I don’t blame you for the last year. I won’t say I wasn’t hurt by your actions, but I get it. It was hell, I won’t lie. Having you and then losing you in almost the same breath gutted me. But more than anything, I missed my friend. I missed you.”

  “I missed you too.” Her eyes swim with unshed tears. “So, where do we go from here?”

  “That’s easy.”

  “It is?” She lets out an uncertain laugh.

  “You’re going to go to Italy. You’re going to live out your dream and have the best time of your life. You’re going to fix things with Lucy, because I know you won’t be able to live with yourself if you don’t. And when that’s all over. When you’re finally home, I’ll be here waiting for you.”

  “And if I don’t come back here?”

  “Wherever you are is where I want to be. I don’t care where that is.”

  “We’ve been friends for years, Alec, but we have no idea how we would work as a couple. You can’t make that kind of commitment.”

  “Yeah I can. Because I look at you and I know it, Hope Russell. I know it deep in my gut, you are it for me.” I reach out and cup her face, dropping my forehead to hers. “And I will wait a lifetime if that’s what I have to do.” I press a soft kiss to her mouth. The feel of her lips against mine after so long breathes life into my very soul.

  This girl... This girl is everything. Even after a year apart, I still know it without a single ounce of doubt.

  “You shouldn’t have to put your life on hold for me.” Hope pulls away too soon, and as much as I want to object the loss of her kiss, I let her go. “I don’t want you to. I want you to live. I want you to love. I want you to have adventures that are all your own. I have to believe that one day, if it’s meant to be, it will be.”

  “And so it will.” I smile, brushing my thumb over her bottom lip.

  “I love that you’re so sure, but there’s a lot I need to figure out.”

  “I know. And I promise I’ll give you the time to do that. We were friends first, Hope. I like to think that we can be that again.”

  “So do I.”

  “I love you, Hope.”

  “I love you too.” She kneads her bottom lip between her teeth. “And now I have to ask you to leave.”

  “Leave?” I pull back in shock. This is not where I saw things going in the moment.

  “Yes. I need you to leave. Because right now you’re saying everything I want to hear and nothing that I deserve. After everything that happened tonight, I need some time.”

  “Hope.”

  “Please, Alec. If you stay, I’m afraid I might never leave again. And we both know that’s not an option.”

  “I know,” I admit, my chest heavy with dread.

  “Please, go.”

  “Okay,” I concede, even though it’s the last thing I want to do. “But I meant what I said, Hope. I’m not giving up on you.” I push to a stand but stepping away from Hope feels impossible to do.

  “I hope you don’t.” My gaze locks on her one more time.

  I take a long moment to study her, not knowing when I’ll see her again.

  “Goodbye, Hope,” I finally say.

  “Goodbye, Alec.”

  Her soft voice carries after me as I descend the steps and, once again, walk away from the one person I can’t bear to be without.

  Chapter Twenty

  Fourteen months later

  “Welcome back!” Sophie gives me a one-armed squeeze before stepping to the side so that I can deposit my luggage into the trunk of her car.

  She’s the only person, other than my family, that I’ve kept in constant contact with during my time in Italy. Mainly because she’s a very persistent person who called me almost every day to tell me about the drama happening at school, most of which revolved around one of our professors getting outed for having an affair with a student. Not that I could say I was surprised. Professor Johnson always gave me a weird vibe.

  Sophie also went through a pretty ugly break up and started seeing someone new. So, suffice it to say, she’s had a lot to talk about and I was more than happy to listen.

  Life in Italy was quiet, which was exactly what I needed, but it was also extremely lonely. I feel like I lost and found myself several times during my stay there. But at the end of the day, it was exactly what I needed.

  To separate myself from Lucy and Alec. To have time to stand on my own two feet and figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I wish I could say that every time I pictured the future I didn’t see Alec in it, but that wouldn’t be the truth. In every scenario, he’s always there, smiling that dimple filled smile at me.

  But what you want and what you need doesn’t always line up. Sometimes the things we want the most are the ones we have to let go of. And that’s what I’ve spent the last year doing...trying to let him go.

  Despite his best efforts to stay in contact, I pulled away, just like I knew I would. And truthfully, I think I’m better for it. I never would have given myself the full Italian experience if I’d let myself be held back by what I left behind.

  “Thanks for picking me up,” I tell Soph, slamming the trunk once I have everything inside. Considering she’s one of the only friends I have in New York, had she not agreed to come get me I would have been forced to take a car and pay out the butt for them to drive me the two hours to Hyde Park.

  “My pleasure. I was dying for a reason to get out of the house anyway.”

  “Uh oh.” I open the passenger door, watching Sophie make her way around the car. “Trouble in paradise already? I told you moving in together after less than six months was a bad idea.”

  “Oh, there’s no trouble.” She ducks into the car and I quickly follow her inside. “Except for my vagina, that is.”

  “Come again?” I choke out a laugh.

  “We have too much sex. I swear my naughty bits are going to fall off if I don’t get a break.”

  “Well, that’s a good problem to have, I guess. Though I can’t say I understand. I’ve never been in that type of situation.” My mind drifts back to the last time I had sex. Alec hovering over me always stands out the clearest.

  “Yeah, you need to have sex first.” She snorts, shifting the car into gear.

  “I’ve had sex.”

  “Yeah, and how long ago was that? Because I know you weren’t hooking up with any hot Italians while you were away. If you had, maybe you would’ve had something more interesting to talk about when we talked.”

  “Is that your way of calling me boring?” I balk at her.

  “No, that’s my way of telling you that it’s unnatural for someone as hot as you to go two years without getting her tinkle tankeled.”

  “My what?” I laugh.

  “Your car shined. Your whistle wet.”

  “Okay, yeah, I think I got the point,” I cut her off, wanting her to stop already.

  “So when do you move into your new apartment?” Sophie asks as she merges out into traffic. “I gotta say, as much as I love New York City, I don’t think I could live in this.” She gestures to the bumper to bumper cars.

  “In three days. Though I’m more nervous than I thought I’d be.”

  “Of course you are. You’re moving to New York City, one of the biggest cities in the world. You know no one and you haven’t actually even seen your apartment. I mean, who does that? Who leases an apartment without seeing it first?”

  “Well, it’s not like I had much of a choice. I didn’t expect to meet the executive chef of Herra while I was in Italy, and I sure as hell didn’t expect him to offer me a job to come home to. I thought I’d be lucky to find work as a line cook, not to be offered a position training in a three Michelin Star restaurant in the heart of New York City. How could I turn something like that down?”

  “I get it.”

  “I wish I would have had the time to wait until I got back to look
around but finding an apartment in New York is hard enough. I didn’t want to pass on one that seemed like a good fit only to not be able to find another one I could afford. And considering I start at Herra on Monday, that gives me a whopping five days to get settled in.”

  “Well I guess it’s a good thing you don’t own much then, huh?”

  “It is. And thank god it’s furnished, because if I had to shop for furniture on top of everything else, I might lose my mind.” I laugh. “Thank you for letting me stay with you for the next couple of days. I really didn’t want to stay in a hotel if I could help it.”

  “You know you’re always welcome. Besides, maybe with you there my vagina will have a couple days of recuperation.”

  “And we’re back to talking about your vagina.” I shake my head, a low chuckle rumbling in my chest.

  “Girl, you lived with me for three years. You’d think you’d be used to hearing about my vagina by now.” She playfully shoves at my shoulder.

  “I’m not sure that’s a topic anyone gets used to hearing about.” My cell phone buzzes in my pocket, distracting me.

  Pulling the device out, I look down to see a text from Lulu on my screen.

  Lucy: Don’t forget to text me once you land.

  I type out a quick reply and hit send.

  Me: Landed. Headed back to Sophie’s house now.

  Locking my phone, I drop it into my lap.

  “Who was that?” Soph gives me a curious look.

  “Lulu.”

  “Have things gotten any better on that front?”

  Sophie knows all about the Alec and Lulu situation. She’s had somewhat of a front row seat to everything seeing as we shared a dorm room for years.

  “Not really,” I admit.

  It hurts my chest when I think about how distant our relationship has become. I knew what happened between me and Alec would hurt her. I just don’t think I expected it to implode our entire friendship.

  It was a good six months before she answered a single text message out of the hundreds I sent her, and another three months before I finally got her to pick up the phone when I called. And while I can count on one hand how many times we’ve spoken since Bella’s wedding, I’m glad that we are at least speaking some. The fact that she remembered I came home today means she still cares, at least a little.

  “Maybe things will get better now that you’re back in the states,” Soph offers.

  “Or maybe they’ll get worse.”

  “And Alec? Have you talked to him recently?”

  “Not in a couple of months.”

  “Hope.” Sophie’s eyes bounce to mine before going back out to the road. “I thought you said you were going to call him and tell him you were coming home.”

  “I was.” I knot my hands in my lap. “But then I decided maybe it was better if he didn’t know I was home yet. The last time we talked, I had mentioned that I might stay longer than expected. Of course, that was before I was offered the position at Herra.”

  “Well, you are back and you’re going to have to tell him eventually. You can’t put this off forever.”

  “I know. I just want some time to get settled and figure out my next move.”

  “Isn’t that what you’ve been doing the past year? Figuring things out.” She throws me an apprehensive look. “You want to know what I think?”

  “Not really, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway.”

  “Yep,” she confirms with a dramatic pop of her lips. “I think you’re scared to call him because you know that once you do, you’re going to have to make a decision where he’s concerned.”

  “I have made a decision. Me and Lu are finally speaking again. I can’t re-involve myself with Alec. Not knowing how badly it hurt her the first time.”

  “Listen, I get it. And I love that you care so much about your friendship with her, but at some point you have to be a little selfish if you hope to find a semblance of happiness in this life.”

  “I was selfish. That’s what got me into this whole mess.”

  “Please,” she sputters. “You don’t have a selfish bone in your body.”

  “No?” I question, thinking she couldn’t be further from the truth. “Maybe if it was your ex-boyfriend I had slept with you wouldn’t feel that way.”

  “Hell, if you slept with one of my ex-boyfriends I’d probably thank you for getting him off my back.”

  “Yeah right,” I mutter.

  “I’m serious. If he’s an ex of mine then there’s a reason for it.”

  “But Lulu loves Alec.”

  “Does she? I mean really. It’s been how long since they were together? Are you sure she actually loves him or just the idea of him?”

  “The idea of him?”

  “No offense, but I’ve known girls like Lucy before. The kind that need to be everyone’s number one in order to feel validated. Maybe she’s holding onto Alec because deep down she’s always felt threatened by how close the two of you are.”

  “I doubt that. Lulu is a lot of things, but she’s not someone who would stand in the way of my happiness over some competitive need to beat me.”

  “You sure about that?”

  Am I?

  To be honest, I’m not. And while a part of me balks at the idea that Lulu could ever be so petty, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t asked myself the same question multiple times over the last year.

  I think back on our friendship. To all the times when Lu didn’t have any interest in something until I did. But the fact still remains that Alec was hers first. It wasn’t like she stole him from me.

  Except she kind of did.

  I shake off the small inner voice that dares to speak.

  “It doesn’t really matter.”

  “No? Because from where I’m sitting, it seems to matter to you. When are you going to get over this idea of who you are supposed to be and embrace who you are?”

  “And who is that, exactly?”

  “A girl who’s spent the last four years running.”

  “I haven’t been running.”

  “Actually, you have. You told me so yourself. The main reason you chose to come to New York was to get away from Alec because you didn’t trust that you could fight your feelings for him after him and Lucy broke up.”

  “C.I.A. was my dream school,” I interject.

  “I know, as you’ve said many times. But what if things had been different? What if Lucy and Alec were never a couple? Would you have left Missouri?”

  “Probably.”

  “You don’t sound so sure.” She gives me a sideways glance.

  “I don’t know what I would have done. Not that it really matters because Lulu and Alec were together.”

  “Were, yet you still ran even though they weren’t. You had your shot with him way back then and you didn’t take it. Then he came to New York and you had, and I quote, the best night of your life. But what did you do the next morning? You ran. And as amazing as an opportunity as Italy was, I can’t help but feel like the main reason you went was because you wanted to put as much distance between you and Alec as possible.”

  “Italy had nothing to do with Alec.”

  “No?”

  “No,” I tell her adamantly. “Even if Alec and I were together, I still would have gone. And I don’t regret going for a single second. Being there was everything I dreamt it would be and more.”

  “I’m not trying to beat a dead horse here,” she concedes. “But as your friend, I feel like it’s my job to tell you when you’re making a mistake. And Hope, not calling him and telling him your back is just that.”

  “Add it to the list,” I grumble. “Can we please just talk about something else?”

  “Fine.” She blows out a breath. “What would you like to talk about?”

  “Anything other than our current topic of conversation. Tell me about you. How are things going since graduation?”

  “You mean the graduation that you missed?”

 
“I didn’t miss anything other than walking on a stage and being handed a piece of paper. I still have a degree just like you do.”

  “It’s not about the piece of paper. It’s about the experience.”

  “Well, Italy was a much bigger experience than a graduation ceremony will ever be.”

  “Okay, I’ll give you that.” She smiles. “So do you have any plans to go home and see your mom and brother?”

  “I thought we were talking about you?”

  “Nah, I’m boring. I’d rather talk about you.”

  “Well that makes one of us.” I cross my arms in front of myself. “And no, I don’t have any plans to go home soon. Though my mom is planning to visit after I get settled.”

  “And how’s the brother?”

  “Why are you asking me twenty questions like we haven’t talked almost every day for the last year?”

  “Just making conversation.” She shrugs. “Besides, it’s not like we talk about your family that much. Mine, on the other hand, I feel like you know everything about that craziness.”

  “Your family is a lot more interesting than mine. My mom works a lot and my brother is getting ready to go into his sophomore year of college.”

  “And your dad?”

  “Haven’t spoken to him in a while,” I admit. “You wanna lecture me about that next?”

  “I do not lecture.” She swats playfully at me.

  “Yes, you do.” I chuckle.

  “Fine. Sometimes I think I know best. But I always have good intentions.”

  “I know you do.”

  My attention is once again drawn to my phone buzzing in my lap. I uncross my arms and pick it up, reading another text from Lulu.

  Lucy: Will you call me when you get a chance? There’s something I want to talk to you about.

  Me: Sure.

  I stare down at my response, feeling like I should say more but not sure what I should say.