A Love Worth Saving

by Amanda Canham

  She looked back down at the phone, trying to think. But it was hard. All day she’d been unable to stop the constant flow of thoughts, the same questions running over and over in her mind, and yet now she couldn’t string two coherent words together. Gaa! She was a mess!

  Her phone beeped again, another message from Travis. This one was just a question mark. He needed an answer. And she needed to get out of tonight. She tapped out a quick response.

  No. I’ll drive.

  This way she could bail at the last minute without having to face anyone. Relieved, she sank back onto the bed, almost enjoying the cloying warmth of the afternoon sun pushing through the closed blinds. Her phone beeped again.

  CYA in 60.

  What? Ana quickly checked the time. 4:15pm. Damn! That’s right. It was an early dinner tonight, so the boys could get to Travis’ for Cam’s bucks night. No way could she get away with bailing an hour before dinner. Not after she’d just told Travis she was still going.

  Sighing in defeat, Ana threw her phone down and started pulling her head back together.

  A little over an hour later, she pulled into the driveway of her childhood home in a quiet, leafy street in Indooroopilly. The house was a stone’s throw from the river, but located high enough on the hillside to have been safe from the floods in recent years.

  She sat in the car and stared at the house, hesitating. She didn’t want to leave her car’s sanctuary, the safety of being alone. But Travis and Pierce’s cars were both parked on the curb, empty of their occupants. That meant everyone was inside, waiting for her. Taking a shaky, unsteady breath, Ana stepped out. In the dying shadows of the afternoon sun, she crossed the yard, pausing in the shade of the sycamore tree that dominated the garden.

  How many afternoons had she spent beneath this tree, reading and covertly watching Brad shoot hoops in the driveway next door?

  Too many to count.

  She could still remember the thrill that would course through her when he’d pause and glance her way. Sometimes he’d invite her over, ask her to join in. He’d asked her that fateful afternoon when she’d gotten home from the grocery store. She’d been going to join him but Mum had wanted her to help put the groceries away first. And then…and then…Brad never played ball out here after that.

  Maybe that should have been a sign—a warning sign—that for Brad, the bad outweighed the good that night. But she hadn’t noticed. She was too young, too grief-stricken, too self-centred.

  These self-recriminations weren’t helpful. They wouldn’t bring Brad back and neither would they help her get through the evening. She pushed against the tide of memories flooding her, threatening the fragile control she’d gained over her emotions on the drive over. She couldn’t let them undo her.

  The front door was unlocked when she reached it, the familiar sounds of her family laughing and chatting emanating from within warmed her on the inside and gave her the courage to join them.

  As soon as she crossed the threshold all the happiness of her childhood enveloped her; the tension winding tight inside her chest eased and the pain fogging her mind started to clear. Of course there were bad memories here; this house was where her mother had died.

  But it was also where her mum had lived. The house had been full of happy memories before the sad ones began.

  And tonight she needed this. She desperately, desperately needed this.

  Following the vibrato of Pierce’s guffaw, Ana crossed the darkened lounge room, and pushed open the door to the kitchen. With canary yellow walls, speckled brown bench tops and white and yellow flowered curtains, the kitchen had always exuded warmth, and been the heart of their home. Tonight, with the bright yellow lights streaming down on the room, it seemed to glow with life and love.

  Everyone was here, huddled around the kitchen bench. Pierce, Travis, Kelli and Vivian were all watching her father, hanging on his words as he regaled them with a story. Presumably, given the way he kept glancing to Vivian for confirmation, it was an anecdote from their recent trip.

  Her dad paused mid-sentence and glanced towards her, his dark blue eyes warm, his smile widening on his age-lined face. His notoriously thick black hair had prematurely greyed after the death of her mum, and his hairline had begun to recede in recent years. But he was still broad, and tall, and carried his stature well.

  ‘You’re here, baby girl!’ he exclaimed, and Ana raced towards him, wrapping her arms around his waist. His arms folded her close to him, surrounding her in the love she needed tonight.

  She felt the tears come. But she wouldn’t let them through, didn’t want the others to see. So she kept her head buried against his shoulder until she had them under control.

  ‘Did you miss me, or something, kid?’ her dad asked, his voice light as he patted her back gently.

  ‘Something like that,’ she answered with the same light tone, pulling out of the embrace. The concern in his eyes, when she met them, was anything but light, though. She should have known she wouldn’t be able to fool her dad. ‘Just been a big few weeks,’ she explained away with a shrug. ‘New house, new job, and the like.’

  ‘Is that all?’ He searched her face.

  ‘Yeah,’ she assured him and turned to greet the others. It wasn’t just her father who’d noticed her mood. She could feel Travis’ watchful eyes on her as she smiled and chatted, knowing it was a pale imitation of her usual laughter. But at least neither of them pressed her further.

  ‘What’s for dinner, Viv?’ she asked her stepmother, deftly deflecting attention away from herself. ‘It smells divine.’ And it did. The kitchen warmed her, the scent of garlic and lamb escaping from the glowing oven.

  ‘It’s Irish lamb stew tonight, with sweet potato mash and dumplings.’

  A loud gurgling sounded in response, and Ana looked across the bench to see Kelli rubbing her flat tummy, a light blush staining her tanned cheeks.

  ‘A little hungry, Kel?’ Ana laughed, catching her friend’s eye.

  ‘I guess you could say that,’ Kelli conceded with a grin. ‘It sounds spectacular, Vivian. It must be nice to be back home and able to use a full kitchen again.’

  ‘The kitchenette in the camper van was pretty good, actually. Smaller, obviously, but big enough for the two of us.’

  ‘So you didn’t feel deprived of good food on your trip, then?’

  ‘Not at all,’ Vivian smiled, brushing her wavy salt-and-pepper hair over her shoulder. At fifty-seven, Vivian was holding her age well. A petite, five foot one inch tall, the older woman had pale, freckled skin and the same laughing green eyes as her son.

  ‘What are you up to tonight, Kelli, while the boys are busy with their party?’ Vivian nodded her head towards the two younger men who’d drifted towards the dining table to chat with her dad. It looked to Ana like she was purposefully changing the subject, but she dismissed the suspicion quickly.

  ‘I’m going to hang out with my friend. With Teegan,’ Kelli answered, her smile dimming, sadness creeping in.

  ‘How’s she going?’ Teegan had been engaged to Kelli’s brother when he died five months ago.

  ‘Good. I think. As good as can be expected, at least,’ Kelli shrugged, glancing down at the hands she had clenched together in her lap.

  Ana wanted to ask more questions, but she didn’t want to pry. She knew that feeling of wanting to be left alone with your emotions. Thankfully the oven buzzer rang then, pulling them from the conversation.

  Vivian dashed across the kitchen floor, out of habit skirting around the patch of tiles where Ana’s mum had drawn her last breath. Ana stared at the spot, the tile marked with a little cross in the corner. At the time, Ana had wanted to have a picture of her mum painted on it, but Dad and Travis had thought it too macabre. They’d settled for the cross instead.

  As Ana stared at the tile, at the tiny cross in the corner, images and memories flooded her. This time, in this moment, she let her mind drift back across the years to that terrible, horrible night.

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nbsp; They’d been lugging the groceries in from the car, setting the first lot on the kitchen bench when Ana had seen a shadow lurking in the corner.

  ‘Who’s there?’ her mother had called out, moving around the bench. Ana followed, the first shivers of fear keeping her close to her mum.

  ‘Give me your keys,’ a voice demanded, the words spoken quickly, practically falling on top of each other. ‘I want your car,’ he continued, stepping out of the shadows.

  He was thin, and pale, his hair straggly, and there were marks up and down his arms, large red holes with a spider matrix of lines shooting from them. But scarier than the marks on his arms was the big silver carving knife in his hand.

  Ana screamed when she saw it. Screamed and screamed and screamed.

  ‘Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!’ the man yelled back, waving the knife at them.

  But Ana couldn’t seem to stop. She tried to close her mouth, but the waving knife made her scream louder.

  The man lunged, aiming the knife at her, but her mum stepped between them. The knife plunged, piercing deep inside. Her mum dropped to the ground, clutching at her stomach.

  ‘Mum!’ Ana had screamed for her mother, and would have dropped to the ground beside her if the man hadn’t turned back with the blood soaked knife swaying in the space between them.

  ‘I said shut up!’ The man launched at her and Ana froze, completely and utterly unable to move. He was going to kill her. In that instant she knew she was going to die.

  But then Brad flew past her, pushing the assailant away from her. He wrestled with him for the knife, somehow pushed him to the ground and an instant later it was over.

  All so terribly over.

  It had been the single worst night of her life. Her mum had died in front of her, protecting her. And Ana had almost wasted the sacrifice, wasted the life her mum had given her. If it hadn’t been for Brad, the blood would have been seeping out of Ana just as it had her mother.

  Ana had never tried to forget. Never. It would be a betrayal of her mum’s sacrifice to do otherwise.

  She hadn’t realised it was any different for Brad. She had never connected that in saving her he had killed a man. Oh, of course she’d known what happened, but she hadn’t known. Hadn’t realised what it meant to him to take a life. To be a…killer.

  For the very first time, she wished it had been different. Wished he hadn’t had to save her. But she couldn’t change the past.

  Maybe she could change the future, though. Now she understood, or at least, was beginning to understand what he’d been through, what he was still going through. Maybe she could share some of the burden. Maybe it was her turn to save him.

  Ana blinked, pressing back the thoughts. She needed time, and quiet, to work through them all, and she couldn’t do that here, surrounded by her family.

  ‘Do you need a hand, Viv?’ she asked instead, pushing away from the bench as she buried the memories, buried the maelstrom of thoughts clouding her mind.

  ‘I think I’ve got everything under control,’ Vivian threw over her shoulder as she settled the crockpot on a wooden chopping block. ‘Table is set, mash is finished,’ she nodded to another ceramic tray covered in al-foil, ‘I’ll just let this settle for a couple of minutes and then…oh, actually, can you grab the drinks? There’s a bottle of bubbly your dad bought for tonight. It should be in the fridge.’

  ‘Bubbly? I didn’t realise Dad was a fan.’

  ‘Oh, you know, on special occasions and the like,’ she answered, her back to Ana.

  Special occasions? Why was tonight a special occasion? Maybe it was because they were back from their trip. A special house warming cheerio?

  Ana pulled open the fridge door and searched for the bottle. She found two. ‘Which one, Viv?’

  ‘The bubbly.’

  ‘But you have two bottles in here. A Chandon NV and an Oyster Bay.’

  ‘Oh, we didn’t get the Chandon. I wonder where that—’

  ‘Ah, that’s ours,’ Travis interrupted, sliding in between the two women and pulling the bottle from the shelf.

  ‘That’s a little bit fancy. Celebrating tonight, are we?’ Ana teased.

  ‘Maybe,’ Travis flicked her a shy grin, the faint pink blush staining his cheeks sending a shiver of suspicion down Ana’s spine. But before she could drill him further, Vivian was directing them to the dining table on the other side of the kitchen bench.

  She hadn’t noticed when she walked in, but the dining table was set formally, with Vivian’s very best china that was only used on special occasions. But her step-mother had been as surprised as Ana that Travis had something to celebrate. Did this mean there were two lots of news happening tonight?

  The tingle in her spine intensified as her dad took his place at the head of the table. He had a restrained excitement about him, more than was expected for a welcome home dinner.

  What’s going on? She tried to ask with her eyes, but he just smiled at her, a smile meant to reassure but did anything but. He held up a finger to indicate she should wait just a moment.

  Travis popped a bottle and filled the champagne flutes at each place setting, exchanging a secretive smile with Kelli as he filled hers. She looked nervous, a little scared but happy as she returned the smile.

  Dad was looking at the bottle in Travis’ hand in confusion. ‘That’s not the one I—’he started, but Vivian patted him on the arm to interrupt him.

  ‘Travis brought his own. I think he might have some news, too.’

  ‘Really?’ he lifted an eyebrow at his wife, who smiled back suspiciously.

  ‘Do you think she’s pregnant?’ Pierce whispered in Ana’s ear as he took his place in the seat beside her. Ana stifled a laugh as she glanced across to see him waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

  Waiting until everyone took their seats—Vivian at the foot, Travis and Kelli on the opposite side to her and Pierce—her dad stood again, and tapped his spoon against his champagne flute to grab their attention.

  ‘Thank you all for coming over tonight. Especially given the celebrations you boys will be partaking in later this evening. I do have a reason for wanting you all here, other than the pleasure of your company, but a little birdy seems to think Travis might have some news to share with us first?’

  The blush was back, staining Travis’ cheeks, but he didn’t hide away from their attention.

  ‘That’s right, Father,’ he said, reaching over to grab hold of Kelli’s hand. ‘It’s actually both of us that wanted to share our news.’

  Pierce nudged her ribs with his elbows.

  ‘Shh!’ she shoved back at him, her eyes trained on Travis.

  ‘Now Ana has…has moved out. And seems to have settled down, Kelli is…she’s moving in with me.’

  Wow! Ana blinked in surprise. She hadn’t been expecting that. Although why she hadn’t been, she wasn’t sure. They were so totally in love, it was almost blinding. Even now, Travis was looking down at Kelli—nervous, relieved, but overwhelmingly happy. And Kelli was staring back up at him, practically glowing.

  She was happy for her brother. She really, truly was. But at the same time, a little part of her couldn’t help but twist itself up in jealous knots. It wasn’t fair. Kelli and Travis had met mere months ago, whereas Ana and Brad had been dancing the same dance for the past ten years. Why couldn’t it be her and Brad making that announcement, instead of Kelli and Travis?

  ‘That’s wonderful news,’ Vivian exclaimed, clapping her hands together in front of her mouth. ‘You two make such a lovely couple.’

  Her words pulled Ana from her downward spiral before she sank into a pit of spoilt self-recriminations. Thankful for the life-line her step-mother had unwittingly thrown her, Ana buried her bitterness deep down inside and plastered a wide smile on her face.

  ‘Yay! That’s so awesome you guys,’ she declared but the words weren’t enough. She pushed out of her seat and raced around the table to envelope them both in a giant bear hug.

  ‘Se
e, I knew you wanted me out of there,’ she teased.

  ‘That’s not it at all,’ Travis defended, easing out of her embrace, his eyes earnest as they searched hers out. ‘You know you can come back anytime you want.’

  ‘Yes, we’ve already talked about it and if you ever need to—’Kelli added, but Ana stopped her right there.

  ‘Thanks so much, guys, but I was only teasing. I won’t be crowding your space any time soon.’

  ‘Nice one, bro,’ Pierce reached across the table to fist-bump Travis.

  ‘Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say welcome to the family, Kelli. It’s been a great pleasure for all of us to meet you, and to see how happy you make our boy here.’

  ‘Here, here,’ Pierce drummed on the table before raising his glass to the toast; Ana scooted back to her seat to raise her glass with the others.

  ‘To Kelli and Travis,’ she cheered, taking a large sip. Before she realised just how much she’d drunk, the glass was empty. Keeping her smile firmly fixed, she reached for the bottle to give herself a top up.

  Travis was looking at her quizzically, concern buried beneath the question, the first hint her smile was slipping. But she quickly hid from his gaze, turning up the wattage on her smile. It was hard, so hard, to try and be happy for someone, when her own heart was shattered in pieces inside her chest, but she refused to spoil their beautiful moment.

  ‘Hopefully we’ll hear the ring of wedding bells soon,’ her dad added, sipping on his glass and throwing a pointed look at the grinning couple.

  ‘One step at a time, Brandon,’ Kelli admonished, but the smile lingering around her lips suggested it wasn’t all that far away.

  ‘Now that we’re done, don’t you have some news, Dad?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right, what’s your news Dad?’

  Her dad blinked, a little stunned, as though he’d entirely forgotten the purpose of the dinner. ‘Ah, yes, my news. My news. So, ah, actually, this lovely food looks like it’s going to get cold if we keep gas-bagging around and Viv’s efforts will have gone to waste. Let’s dig in, and we can get to my news a little later.’

  Without waiting for agreement from anyone else, he leaned forward and began scooping piles of steaming stew onto his plate. If she wasn’t mistaken, her dad was delaying his news. What could it possibly be? Nothing good if he wanted to put off the announcement.