A Love Worth Saving

by Amanda Canham

  Maybe she could scoot out before he got there—she wasn’t sure she could handle more news tonight. But then again, she didn’t want to have it hanging over her head, either.

  They chatted away as they ate, slipping into the familiar banter that characterised their usual family feasts. Well, everyone else chatted. Ana sat quietly, nursing her coke, contemplating her predicament. It was almost surreal to sit here feeling so alone, so separate, even amongst all this love.

  ‘You look like you could use a bit of this,’ Pierce murmured beside her. Ana glanced down to see him slip a flask from his pants pocket.

  Her tastebuds savoured at the sight. The Chandon had run dry not long after the first glass, and the second bottle hadn’t been popped yet. She should have known she could rely on Pierce to keep the party going. But still, she hesitated.

  ‘I’m driving,’ she sighed with regret.

  ‘I’m sure we can give you a lift home, or Kelli can,’ he tempted, sliding the flask out and adding a splash of amber liquid into his glass.

  ‘Is that bourbon?’

  ‘You know me too well,’ he said with a wicked grin. ‘So, you in?’ He waggled the flask in front of her.

  A part of her yearned to slide her glass along the table; to have him pour the amber liquid into her drink. She could almost smell the sweet, malty aroma as the flask hovered above her glass. It would only take a couple of shots of the strong stuff to numb the fierce pain around her heart.

  But drinking away her problems resolved nothing; all she’d end up with was a fuzzy head and a muddled heart. If she wanted things to change she needed to start now.

  ‘No, thanks,’ Ana replied, pulling the bourbon-free glass closer to herself.

  Surprise flashed across Pierce’s face briefly, before his lips spread into a grin of pleasure, with just a touch of pride.

  ‘Making some changes?’ he checked, one eyebrow raised in query.

  ‘I need to,’ Ana sighed heavily, a little too much emotion sliding into her voice.

  ‘Been a tough week?’ he slumped in his chair so he could chat to her unobtrusively. Around them the conversation continued, but on their side of the table, it was as though they had sunk into their own private world.

  ‘Not really,’ she shrugged, trying to dismiss his concern, but the look he shot her told her he wasn’t buying it. ‘Nothing I can’t handle.’

  ‘Never said you couldn’t, but sometimes it helps to talk.’

  ‘Thanks, but there’s nothing to talk about,’ she dismissed again, looking out at the others, trying to avoid the conversation.

  Pierce was silent beside her. A stilted kind of silence that drew her curiosity; when she glanced back at him she caught the concerned look he was exchanging with Travis.

  Goddammit! Were they ganging up on her? She loved her brothers, but sometimes she really wished they didn’t know her so well.

  ‘Dinner was delicious, Viv,’ she said instead, injecting herself into the family conversation, figuring it was the lesser of two evils.

  ‘I’m glad you liked it. I hope you’re not too full, though, because I’ve whipped up a cheesecake for desert.’

  ‘Man, you’re killing me here, Mum,’ Pierce groaned. ‘I’m trying to watch my figure,’ he continued laughingly, tapping his washboard flat stomach.

  ‘As if you have anything to worry about,’ Ana rolled her eyes and took a large sip of her drink.

  ‘I don’t know. I think you’re starting to look a bit pudgy around the middle there,’ Travis joked and Ana joined in the laughter at Pierce’s look of mock-horror.

  ‘Well, don’t worry,’ Vivian assured him through spurts of laughter. ‘I won’t be around long enough to ruin your figure.’

  ‘Few, that’s a relief,’ Pierce wiped an exaggerated hand across his forehead , the grin re-emerging across his face. ‘And there I was—’

  ‘Wait,’ Ana interrupted, holding her hand in front of his face to stem the tide of his jokes. ‘What do you mean you won’t be here much longer?’

  ‘Can never get anything past you, can we Ana?’ her dad sighed.

  ‘Get what past me?’

  Before he answered, her dad exchanged a speaking glance across the table with Vivian. The same expression from earlier—nervous, excited tension—was on his face again, and another shiver of apprehension slithered down her spine.

  ‘Dad, you’re starting to scare me. What is it?’

  ‘Yeah, Dad, what’s going on?’ Travis chimed in.

  ‘I…We…ah…that is to say…’ but his words petered out as he met her gaze across the table. The excitement dimmed, concern clouding his expression. Concern for her.

  What was going on here? Why would his news, whatever it was, have such an effect on her?

  ‘Well, look, as you know, we’ve been doing a fair bit of travelling lately.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s been great for you guys, after working so hard all your life.’

  ‘Exactly. Exactly. And that’s why we’ve decided to…ah…well, look, we want to keep travelling…and we want to help Pierce out with his new studio, so we’ve…’

  ‘You’ve what?’ Travis asked when their dad fell silent.

  Ana didn’t know what the big deal was. Why all the fuss over a bit more travelling? And wasn’t Pierce going to be using the house as his studio?

  Her dad couldn’t seem to find the words to answer Travis, the silence dragging on until Vivian took the reins of the conversation. ‘What your father is trying to say is that we have decided to sell the house.’

  ‘WHAT?!’ Ana gasped, her eyes flicking between the two, hoping against hope she hadn’t heard right. This house was the only connection to her mum she had left. There were so many memories here, memories she couldn’t let go of. And her dad knew how much this house meant to her.

  ‘It’s time. We’re rarely here anymore. The house is just standing empty most of the year, and with the money from the sale we’ll have enough to buy a motorhome and invest in Pierce’s stu—’

  ‘Wait. I thought this house was going to be Pierce’s studio.’

  ‘I never said that, Ana,’ Pierce murmured quietly at her side.

  ‘But I thought—’

  ‘You assumed. I tried to tell you otherwise, but I couldn’t get—’

  ‘You didn’t try hard enough.’

  ‘Don’t take this out on Pierce. He didn’t ask us for help,’ her dad interrupted, drawing her gaze back to him. ‘It’s something we want to do. Something we can do.’

  ‘But you can’t sell the house, Dad. You can’t!’

  ‘We are, sweetheart,’ her dad reached across to pat her hand, but she snatched it away. ‘We have to.’

  ‘No. You don’t have to. You don’t. If you need the money for the motorhome, we could all pitch in. The same with the studio, Pierce. Or you could borrow against the equity in the house to fund it.’

  ‘And start a new mortgage at our age? We’re not going to do that, Ana.’

  ‘What if I moved in here? Then there would be someone here all the time. You couldn’t sell the house if I was living here.’

  ‘No, Ana. You know that’s not a good idea. You in this house on a permanent basis, by yourself…do you remember what happened last time?’

  She did, though she wished she didn’t. She’d just finished her degree, had started a job in the ER department at St Mary’s, and her dad and Viv had gone on their first trip overseas. They’d both been working still, so it had only been for a couple of weeks. She’d come home from work after a particularly nasty day—she’d lost her first patient.

  It had been dusk, the same time, the same light filtering through the kitchen as had been there the night her mum had died. She’d been preparing dinner in the kitchen, trying to ignore the nervous fluttering in her stomach that always appeared at that time of day, when she heard a rattling from somewhere in the house. Her grip had tightened around the knife in her hand, and she’d wanted to stalk through the house, to be brave and fi
nd out what was making the noise.

  But fear had kept her frozen. Fear and memories. Without realising she was doing it, she’d sunk down to the ground, curled up in a tight little ball in the corner of the cupboards, the knife held out in front of her, her only point of protection. She wasn’t sure how long she’d sat frozen like that. It could only have been minutes, because the rattling she’d heard was Travis letting himself in, stopping by to check up on her. He’d come straight to the kitchen when she didn’t respond, and had found her in the corner shivering in fear.

  Moments. That’s all it had been. But it had felt like hours. Hours and hours, gripped in fear.

  He’d pried the knife away from her. Pulled her from her fear. She’d broken down when she’d realised she was safe, sobbed on his shoulder for hours.

  He hadn’t let her stay there after that. While her folks were away, she’d stayed with him, and his wife and young child. But she’d felt like such an imposition, she’d had to get out of there. She moved in with Gabby a few weeks later, and the rest, as they say, was history.

  But everything was different now. She was older, was living on her own. She’d even made it through that witching hour. Only just, but she had. And if it meant not losing this house, then she could stay here.

  ‘I can handle it.’

  ‘No, you can’t.’

  ‘You don’t know that.’

  ‘I’m not willing to risk it. You’re finally settled, Ana. You’re moving on. We all are. It’s time to say goodbye.’

  ‘No! No! I won’t say goodbye. You can’t make me. Travis, please tell him he can’t do this! Tell him!’

  She sat there, waiting for Travis to stand up for her, to champion her cause like he always did. But the look on her brother’s face told a different story tonight. Not even he would stick up for her!

  ‘No. No. No. You can’t mean this. None of you can mean this.’ Her gaze shifted around the table, frantically searching for someone to tell her this was wrong; that they weren’t doing this to her.

  ‘You’re going so well now, baby girl. No one wants to see you go backwards, and that’s what would happen if you started living here again.’

  How could they do this to her? How could they take the only memories she had of her mother away from her? Didn’t they realise what this house meant to her?

  ‘It’s for the best, Ana. Eventually you’ll see that.’

  Pain surged through her veins at Vivian’s words, tightening around her chest, squeezing her so tight she thought she might burst.

  ‘You’ve always wanted to get rid of this house, Vivian. Don’t think I don’t know how much you’ve wanted us to forget about Mum. Well, news flash, that’s never going to happen!’

  The words, laced with venom, were out before she could stop them. A collective gasp went around the table. Vivian’s face froze as though Ana had thrown ice-water rather than words at her.

  They hadn’t been true. Vivian had always helped preserve her mother’s memory. But she was hurting here. Couldn’t they see that? Couldn’t they understand how much they were hurting her?

  But still, she shouldn’t have said the words.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she uttered, staring at the table, unable to hold anyone’s gaze. ‘I’m sorry, Vivian,’ she whispered again. She couldn’t stay here. She needed to get out; to get away, to outrun the pain tearing her insides apart.

  Pushing away from the table she bolted for the door. Not even taking time to close it after herself, she left the front door swinging as she ran down the driveway. When she hit the footpath, she increased her pace, running faster and faster down the street, and then down another, and another, trying to outrun the pain. But she couldn’t. It wouldn’t leave. It would never leave.

  Finally her footsteps slowed. Her pace worn out, she bent over at the waist, gasping in much needed oxygen.

  Where was Brad? She needed Brad.

  Wrapping her arms around her body, she looked up and down the street, half expecting him to turn up. He always turned up, just when she needed him most, as though he had a sixth sense when it came to her welfare. Her heart.

  She didn’t want her own arms around herself. She needed his. She needed his warmth and his love. She needed her hero.

  But that wasn’t an option anymore. Not after last night. Even if they had a future together, it couldn’t be the same as their past.

  He couldn’t be her hero anymore.

  So now, somehow, she’d have to deal with this pain alone.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Brad knocked on the door, the second time in as many minutes. Again, there was no answer.

  ‘I don’t think he’s home,’ Cam said beside him.

  Brad had reluctantly come to the same conclusion. But if Travis wasn’t home, then where was he? He was never late to an event, and this was a party he was hosting.

  Another car pulled up. He could just make out its features in the dusky darkness of the street. A quick glance showed him that it wasn’t Travis, but a couple of Cam’s mates from his Uni days. Cam left his side, heading down the footpath to greet the new arrivals to his buck’s party and Brad slid his phone from his pocket. He texted Travis.

  Where r u?

  ‘You guys remember my brother, don’t you?’ Cam was saying as the group of three men drew closer.

  ‘Of course, how’s it going buddy?’ one of them asked, holding a hand out to shake.

  Brad pushed a smile onto his face, hiding the fact that he couldn’t remember the man. But as he gazed at the man’s face longer, a memory in the back of his mind tickled; a memory of a nervous, studious young man called…

  ‘Fred. Hey, long time no see,’ he greeted, pumping firmly on the outspread hand. ‘And Adam, nice to see you two,’ he swapped hands, shaking the second fellow’s in greeting. ‘It was great that you guys could make it.’

  ‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world, mate,’ Fred assured him. ‘Cam’s the last one of us to get hitched. We couldn’t let that pass without a celebration.’

  ‘No. Of course not.’

  ‘What about you, have you found yourself a lady to settle down with?’

  Yes.

  The answer was on the tip of his tongue. He had found the one woman he wanted to settle down with. He’d found her a long time ago. Problem was he never could stay with her.

  The memory of Ana’s words; of the pain on her face last night as she pleaded with him to stay, were burnt into his soul. But he couldn’t give in to the pain. Not tonight. Tonight was about his brother.

  So he forced another smile to his lips. ‘Never, mate. Never,’ he assured him with a laugh.

  Certainly not after what he’d said last night.

  Ten years. Ten years of holding it back, and he’d ruined it all with one goddamned sentence.

  Fuck! He needed to forget about it. Needed to forget about her. Maybe he should follow Ana’s lead and drink his way to oblivion. But, maybe not on the front stoop of Travis’ house.

  ‘I’m sure Travis will be here soon. Let’s head round the back to wait,’ he suggested. Hefting the carton of beer he’d brought over for himself and Cam on his shoulder, he led the guys around the side of Travis’ house. Unlatching the gate, he headed through the well-landscaped back yard to the patio over-looking the pool. It was too cold for a dip, but still, a much nicer place to wait.

  Sinking into the chair, he pulled two ice-cold beers from the carton, popping the top on them before handing one to Cam. The other guys joined him round the patio table and started chatting, catching up on each other’s lives. He tried to join in, but the stories about people he didn’t know couldn’t hold his attention for long.

  He started tapping his fingers against his thigh, waiting, waiting for Travis to arrive. He needed to push something hard; to punish something, to vent his frustration over the fight last night and the raw deal life had thrown him. He needed to smash away the pain of never being able to hold on to the one thing he’d always wanted.

 
Ana.

  Billiard balls seemed like the safest thing to do this with, but he couldn’t do that until Travis got here. He took a swig of the beer, but it didn’t help. His feet were restless, the muscles in his legs itchy. He couldn’t sit still a moment longer.

  Grabbing his beer, he pushed up from the table, moving over to the cast-iron fence surrounding the pool. Leaning his arms against the cold, metallic loops across the top, Brad stared out at the darkened pool. It had an inky depth in the burgeoning moonlight. Maybe, just maybe, he could throw his regrets into its depths; let it wash away his pain.

  Consumed in his own world, the first realisation he wasn’t standing alone by the pool came when Cam brushed his arm.

  ‘Are you okay?’ his brother asked, his face creased with concern.

  ‘Yeah, I—’, but he couldn’t explain it to him. He had to keep the pain locked up inside like he always did. This was Cam’s night and he wasn’t going to ruin it. He needed to pull his head in, and start enjoying himself.

  But that was never going to happen while surrounded by these guys. ‘I think I might have left something in the car.’ Like his sense of humour. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ He pulled away from his brother and headed back to the front yard.

  True to his word, he did stop by his car. But he didn’t go inside. Instead he sat on the bonnet and tried to get his mind right.

  For the hundredth time that day, he grabbed his phone and pulled up Ana’s number. His finger hovered over the call button, desperately needing to hear her voice. But his words to her played over in his mind again.

  Being with you. Seeing you, always reminds me of the worst moment in my life.

  And he knew he couldn’t call her. There was no taking the words back now. No making amends. Any hope of a future was gone. Hell, any hope of a friendship was gone.

  Why did he have to go and open his mouth the way he had? His dreams of a future had loosened his tongue. He’d been stupid to think he could have one, that he deserved one. And now he’d gone and hurt the one person who meant the most to him.