Sketches New and Old

by Mark Twain

  SOME LEARNED FABLES FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS

  PART SECOND

  HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD COMPLETED THEIR SCIENTIFIC LABORS

  A week later the expedition camped in the midst of a collection ofwonderful curiosities. These were a sort of vast caverns of stone thatrose singly and in bunches out of the plain by the side of the riverwhich they had first seen when they emerged from the forest. Thesecaverns stood in long, straight rows on opposite sides of broad aislesthat were bordered with single ranks of trees. The summit of each cavernsloped sharply both ways. Several horizontal rows of great square holes,obstructed by a thin, shiny, transparent substance, pierced the frontageof each cavern. Inside were caverns within caverns; and one might ascendand visit these minor compartments by means of curious winding waysconsisting of continuous regular terraces raised one above another.There were many huge, shapeless objects in each compartment which wereconsidered to have been living creatures at one time, though now the thinbrown skin was shrunken and loose, and rattled when disturbed. Spiderswere here in great number, and their cobwebs, stretched in all directionsand wreathing the great skinny dead together, were a pleasant spectacle,since they inspired with life and wholesome cheer a scene which wouldotherwise have brought to the mind only a sense of forsakenness anddesolation. Information was sought of these spiders, but in vain. Theywere of a different nationality from those with the expedition, and theirlanguage seemed but a musical, meaningless jargon. They were a timid,gentle race, but ignorant, and heathenish worshipers of unknown gods.The expedition detailed a great detachment of missionaries to teach themthe true religion, and in a week's time a precious work had been wroughtamong those darkened creatures, not three families being by that time atpeace with each other or having a settled belief in any system ofreligion whatever. This encouraged the expedition to establish a colonyof missionaries there permanently, that the work of grace might go on.

  But let us not outrun our narrative. After close examination of thefronts of the caverns, and much thinking and exchanging of theories, thescientists determined the nature of these singular formations. They saidthat each belonged mainly to the Old Red Sandstone period; that thecavern fronts rose in innumerable and wonderfully regular strata high inthe air, each stratum about five frog-spans thick, and that in thepresent discovery lay an overpowering refutation of all received geology;for between every two layers of Old Red Sandstone reposed a thin layer ofdecomposed limestone; so instead of there having been but one Old RedSandstone period there had certainly been not less than a hundred andseventy-five! And by the same token it was plain that there had alsobeen a hundred and seventy-five floodings of the earth and depositings oflimestone strata! The unavoidable deduction from which pair of facts wasthe overwhelming truth that the world, instead of being only two hundredthousand years old, was older by millions upon millions of years! Andthere was another curious thing: every stratum of Old Red Sandstone waspierced and divided at mathematically regular intervals by verticalstrata of limestone. Up-shootings of igneous rock through fractures inwater formations were common; but here was the first instance wherewater-formed rock had been so projected. It was a great and noblediscovery, and its value to science was considered to be inestimable.

  A critical examination of some of the lower strata demonstrated thepresence of fossil ants and tumble-bugs (the latter accompanied by theirpeculiar goods), and with high gratification the fact was enrolled uponthe scientific record; for this was proof that these vulgar laborersbelonged to the first and lowest orders of created beings, though at thesame time there was something repulsive in the reflection that theperfect and exquisite creature of the modern uppermost order owed itsorigin to such ignominious beings through the mysterious law ofDevelopment of Species.

  The Tumble-Bug, overhearing this discussion, said he was willing that theparvenus of these new times should find what comfort they might in theirwise-drawn theories, since as far as he was concerned he was content tobe of the old first families and proud to point back to his place amongthe old original aristocracy of the land.

  "Enjoy your mushroom dignity, stinking of the varnish of yesterday'sveneering, since you like it," said he; "suffice it for the Tumble-Bugsthat they come of a race that rolled their fragrant spheres down thesolemn aisles of antiquity, and left their imperishable works embalmed inthe Old Red Sandstone to proclaim it to the wasting centuries as theyfile along the highway of Time!"

  "Oh, take a walk!" said the chief of the expedition, with derision.

  The summer passed, and winter approached. In and about many of thecaverns were what seemed to be inscriptions. Most of the scientists saidthey were inscriptions, a few said they were not. The chief philologist,Professor Woodlouse, maintained that they were writings, done in acharacter utterly unknown to scholars, and in a language equally unknown.He had early ordered his artists and draftsmen to make facsimiles of allthat were discovered; and had set himself about finding the key to thehidden tongue. In this work he had followed the method which had alwaysbeen used by decipherers previously. That is to say, he placed a numberof copies of inscriptions before him and studied them both collectivelyand in detail. To begin with, he placed the following copies together:

  THE AMERICAN HOTEL. MEALS AT ALL HOURS. THE SHADES. NO SMOKING. BOATS FOR HIRE CHEAP UNION PRAYER MEETING, 4 P.M. BILLIARDS. THE WATERSIDE JOURNAL. THE A1 BARBER SHOP. TELEGRAPH OFFICE. KEEP OFF THE GRASS. TRY BRANDRETH'S PILLS. COTTAGES FOR RENT DURING THE WATERING SEASON. FOR SALE CHEAP. FOR SALE CHEAP. FOR SALE CHEAP. FOR SALE CHEAP.

  At first it seemed to the professor that this was a sign-language, andthat each word was represented by a distinct sign; further examinationconvinced him that it was a written language, and that every letter ofits alphabet was represented by a character of its own; and finally hedecided that it was a language which conveyed itself partly by letters,and partly by signs or hieroglyphics. This conclusion was forced uponhim by the discovery of several specimens of the following nature:

  He observed that certain inscriptions were met with in greater frequencythan others. Such as "FOR SALE CHEAP"; "BILLIARDS"; "S. T.--1860--X";"KENO"; "ALE ON DRAUGHT." Naturally, then, these must be religiousmaxims. But this idea was cast aside by and by, as the mystery of thestrange alphabet began to clear itself. In time, the professor wasenabled to translate several of the inscriptions with considerableplausibility, though not to the perfect satisfaction of all the scholars.Still, he made constant and encouraging progress.

  Finally a cavern was discovered with these inscriptions upon it:

  WATERSIDE MUSEUM. Open at All Hours. Admission 50 cents. WONDERFUL COLLECTION OF WAX-WORKS, ANCIENT FOSSILS, ETC.

  Professor Woodlouse affirmed that the word "Museum" was equivalent to thephrase "lumgath molo," or "Burial Place." Upon entering, the scientistswere well astonished. But what they saw may be best conveyed in thelanguage of their own official report:

  "Erect, in a row, were a sort of rigid great figures which struck usinstantly as belonging to the long extinct species of reptile called MAN,described in our ancient records. This was a peculiarly gratifyingdiscovery, because of late times it has become fashionable to regard thiscreature as a myth and a superstition, a work of the inventiveimaginations of our remote ancestors. But here, indeed, was Man,perfectly preserved, in a fossil state. And this was his burial place,as already ascertained by the inscription. And now it began to besuspected that the caverns we had been inspecting had been his ancienthaunts in that old time that he roamed the earth--for upon the breast ofeach of these tall fossils was an inscription in the character heretoforenoticed. One read, 'CAPTAIN KIDD THE PIRATE'; another, 'QUEEN VICTORIA';another, 'ABE LINCOLN'; another, 'GEORGE WASHINGTON,' etc.

  "With feverish intere
st we called for our ancient scientific records todiscover if perchance the description of Man there set down would tallywith the fossils before us. Professor Woodlouse read it aloud in itsquaint and musty phraseology, to wit:

  "'In ye time of our fathers Man still walked ye earth, as by tradition weknow. It was a creature of exceeding great size, being compassed aboutwith a loose skin, sometimes of one color, sometimes of many, the whichit was able to cast at will; which being done, the hind legs werediscovered to be armed with short claws like to a mole's but broader, andye forelegs with fingers of a curious slimness and a length much moreprodigious than a frog's, armed also with broad talons for scratching inye earth for its food. It had a sort of feathers upon its head such ashath a rat, but longer, and a beak suitable for seeking its food by yesmell thereof. When it was stirred with happiness, it leaked water fromits eyes; and when it suffered or was sad, it manifested it with ahorrible hellish cackling clamor that was exceeding dreadful to hear andmade one long that it might rend itself and perish, and so end itstroubles. Two Mans being together, they uttered noises at each otherlike this: "Haw-haw-haw--dam good, dam good," together with other soundsof more or less likeness to these, wherefore ye poets conceived that theytalked, but poets be always ready to catch at any frantic folly, God heknows. Sometimes this creature goeth about with a long stick ye which itputteth to its face and bloweth fire and smoke through ye same with asudden and most damnable bruit and noise that doth fright its prey todeath, and so seizeth it in its talons and walketh away to its habitat,consumed with a most fierce and devilish joy.'

  "Now was the description set forth by our ancestors wonderfully indorsedand confirmed by the fossils before us, as shall be seen. The specimenmarked 'Captain Kidd' was examined in detail. Upon its head and part ofits face was a sort of fur like that upon the tail of a horse. Withgreat labor its loose skin was removed, whereupon its body was discoveredto be of a polished white texture, thoroughly petrified. The straw ithad eaten, so many ages gone by, was still in its body, undigested--andeven in its legs.

  "Surrounding these fossils were objects that would mean nothing to theignorant, but to the eye of science they were a revelation. They laidbare the secrets of dead ages. These musty Memorials told us when Manlived, and what were his habits. For here, side by side with Man, werethe evidences that he had lived in the earliest ages of creation, thecompanion of the other low orders of life that belonged to that forgottentime. Here was the fossil nautilus that sailed the primeval seas; herewas the skeleton of the mastodon, the ichthyosaurus, the cave-bear, theprodigious elk. Here, also, were the charred bones of some of theseextinct animals and of the young of Man's own species, split lengthwise,showing that to his taste the marrow was a toothsome luxury. It wasplain that Man had robbed those bones of their contents, since notoothmark of any beast was upon them--albeit the Tumble-Bug intruded theremark that 'no beast could mark a bone with its teeth, anyway.' Herewere proofs that Man had vague, groveling notions of art; for this factwas conveyed by certain things marked with the untranslatable words,'FLINT HATCHETS, KNIVES, ARROW-HEADS, AND BONE ORNAMENTS OF PRIMEVALMAN.' Some of these seemed to be rude weapons chipped out of flint, andin a secret place was found some more in process of construction, withthis untranslatable legend, on a thin, flimsy material, lying by:

  "'Jones, if you don't want to be discharged from the Musseum, make the next primeaveal weppons more careful--you couldn't even fool one of these sleepy old syentific grannys from the Coledge with the last ones. And mind you the animles you carved on some of the Bone Ornaments is a blame sight too good for any primeaveal man that was ever fooled.--Varnum, Manager.'

  "Back of the burial place was a mass of ashes, showing that Man alwayshad a feast at a funeral--else why the ashes in such a place; andshowing, also, that he believed in God and the immortality of the soul--else why these solemn ceremonies?

  "To, sum up. We believe that Man had a written language. We know thathe indeed existed at one time, and is not a myth; also, that he was thecompanion of the cave-bear, the mastodon, and other extinct species; thathe cooked and ate them and likewise the young of his own kind; also, thathe bore rude weapons, and knew something of art; that he imagined he hada soul, and pleased himself with the fancy that it was immortal. But letus not laugh; there may be creatures in existence to whom we and ourvanities and profundities may seem as ludicrous."

  END OF PART SECOND