Wanting to Love You (Houston's Finest Book 3)

by Erin Rylie

  For a brief moment she was mad at herself for letting her emotions rule her when Reese had come back into her life. She should’ve told Ryker the truth about Reese from the beginning. Given how everything ended between them years ago though, how could she? She hadn’t known that her parents had played a huge role in their breakup, and she’d made her decision with the knowledge she had at hand. She knew that she shouldn’t beat herself up too much, especially given that the therapist had agreed at the time that it was for Ryker’s best interest. There was no point in regretting that choice now; all they could do was move forward.

  “Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you, Ryker?”

  He didn’t look up from his coins, but he was stacking them more fervently than he had been moments ago.

  “Yes.”

  “Reese is your father.”

  “Okay.”

  She wished that she could read his thoughts to determine how he was taking the news. His hands were still moving, sorting the coins in front of him more rapidly, but his expression gave nothing away. It made Becky nervous that he was using so few words to reply to the news, however.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I was just trying to protect you.”

  His face reflected his confusion for a moment before clearing. “How?”

  “Well,” she tried to think of the best way to explain the choice she’d made, but words escaped her.

  Reese sat down next to Ryker, setting a few more coins from the bowl on the table in front of their son. “It’s a long story, but I didn’t find out about you until recently. Some bad people kept you a secret from me. Your mom was worried that I wouldn’t be a good parent to you.”

  “Why not?”

  She looked at Reese as she tried to think of the best way to answer that question. She didn’t need to worry, however, because Reese chose to answer that as well.

  “Well, people change over time, and your mom and I hadn’t seen each other in a long time. So she wanted to make sure I was still the same person and that I was going to love you as much as she does.”

  “Do you?”

  “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody.”

  “You haven’t known me very long, though.”

  “A parent’s love is instant and unconditional. I loved you the minute I met you, and every extra second I’ve gotten to spend with you since then has only made me love you that much more.”

  Ryker nodded but didn’t ask any more questions right away. Reese reached out to Becky under the table and gripped her hand firmly, lending her his support the way she had for him when he’d called Jesse. His presence bolstered her and gave her the strength to continue the conversation.

  “Do you have any questions for us? What are you thinking?”

  Ryker still didn’t look up from the task in front of him, but she could tell by the way that his hands had slowed that he was processing the information as rationally as he could and trying to decide if he needed clarification. She gave him time to come up with a question, and when he was quiet for a few minutes, Reese got up to continue making breakfast.

  Their son didn’t speak again until breakfast had been served. He looked down at the oatmeal and waffles that were now sitting next to his orderly stack of coins. Carefully, he picked up the stacks and moved them to the side so that he could pull his food in front of him. He didn’t move to eat his food, but instead stared at it for a few moments.

  “Do dads live with their kids?”

  Becky’s hand stilled over the waffle she’d been in the process of spreading peanut butter on when he spoke. “Sometimes they do, but Reese isn’t going to live with us right now.”

  “Why not?”

  Reese smiled and she wondered how he could possibly be happy during such a stressful conversation. “I should’ve known you’d ask the tough questions. I have my own home for right now, but I’m going to be around as much as you want me to be. It’s completely up to you. When you want to see me, I’ll be here. Does that sound good?”

  “Yes.”

  Ryker started to scoop up a spoonful of oatmeal, but changed his mind before bringing it to his mouth. He picked up the fork and knife next to his small plate of waffles and cut off a small piece. He chewed thoughtfully as though trying to decide if he liked the waffle enough to make it a new Saturday morning routine.

  Becky couldn’t keep the smile from her face. Reese had done that—he’d gotten Ryker to try something out of his comfort zone. It was a small thing, but it gave her hope for their future. He’d helped her navigate a tough conversation and they’d come out of it all right. She was sure that there would be more questions from Ryker as he sorted through everything, and they still had to tell him about Beth and Jesse, but it was a good start.

  “I like waffles,” Ryker said, smiling at Reese briefly before looking back to his plate.

  “You should try them with peanut butter.”

  “No, Mom. Peanut butter with waffles is gross.”

  Reese’s smile was triumphant. “Told you,” he mouthed at her across the table.

  She rolled her eyes, but the entire interaction gave her hope for their future.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Reese found Ryker an hour later in his room. He and Becky had decided to give Ryker a bit more time to process the bomb they’d dropped on him before telling him about the rest of his family. He knew that it was a lot of information to give his son at once, but they were more than a little crunched for time right now.

  He stood in the open door to Ryker’s room for a few minutes, just watching his son play. He loved to put together the big sets of LEGOs that most adults had a hard time finishing. He was currently working on the Eiffel Tower. Reese had looked it up and found it was one of the most difficult sets to put together, at over three thousand pieces. Ryker’s deft hands worked at the puzzle confidently, methodically placing LEGOs in their place, occasionally stopping to study his work.

  Reese knocked on the door frame before entering the room so that he wouldn’t startle Ryker. His son didn’t move or look up from his project, but his hands stilled in their motion briefly. He took a seat on his son’s bed and watched him work for a few more minutes before starting up a conversation.

  “So, how are you feeling?”

  “About what?”

  “Well, about the news you got this morning.”

  Ryker was quiet for a moment as he placed more LEGOs on his tower. It was probably about a third of the way built and already looked amazing. There was a line of his previous LEGO puzzles against the back wall of his room, and Reese found his mind drifting to the best ways he could display those for his son. Maybe he could build something like a trophy case or do a number of floating shelves. He’d need to take some measurements and think about it for a while.

  His son finally broke the silence as he voiced what he’d been thinking. “I think you’ll be a good dad.” Ryker paused, and Reese could tell he was planning to say more by the lack of motion in his hands. “I’ve never had a family. It won’t go away, right?”

  “Your mom and I aren’t going anywhere, bud. In fact, there are more people in your family who would like to meet you. My mother and brother—your grandma and uncle. They both want to meet you. Your uncle Jesse has Asperger’s, as well, actually.”

  “Are they here in Houston, too?”

  This was going to be the hard part. How could Reese tell Ryker that he could meet his grandmother for the first time, only to follow it up by telling him that she wasn’t long for this world? He desperately wanted Ryker to meet his grandmother, but worried about the long-term effects it could have on his son. Watching someone die of cancer wasn’t easy, but he deserved the chance to get to meet a woman as incredible as Beth.

  “They are. Your grandma and I moved here because she’s sick, and the best doctors for her illness are here.”

  “What is she sick with?”

  Reese still had to take a deep breath to get the words past the
sudden constriction he felt in his throat. No matter how many times he said it, it never got easier.

  “She has cancer.”

  “People die from cancer, don’t they?”

  The question hit Reese squarely in the chest. Fuck, this was already harder than he’d expected it to be. Would the pain of losing his mother to this disease ever end? Every breath he took brought him a single moment closer to the day she’d pass away, and he felt that he would never be ready. How could he be? His mom was the glue that held him together. She’d helped him put the pieces of his broken heart back together. She had been there to support him no matter what. She was his rock, his biggest supporter, and one of the most amazing women he’d ever known.

  He knew that the best way to speak to someone with Asperger’s was completely candidly. Others may consider the words he spoke too blunt for a child, but Jesse had always appreciated and understood total honesty without flowery words to cushion it, so that was what he offered his son.

  “Yeah, they do. She has terminal lung cancer, so she won’t be with us for much longer. If you want to meet her and spend her last few months with her, though, you can.”

  He didn’t tell Ryker how much his grandmother would want to meet him, or how much he personally longed for the two of them to meet. To do so would put pressure on Ryker, and that was not what Reese wanted.

  “I want to meet them.”

  “Are you sure? You can have some time to think about it before you decide. I know there is a lot happening right now, and it’s okay if you need some time to get used to it all.”

  “Thinking about it won’t change anything.”

  Reese almost laughed at the blunt truthfulness in the statement. He wasn’t wrong, and the straightforward way of stating it reminded him of his brother. Though the circumstances weren’t in the least bit ideal, he was excited for Ryker to meet Jesse.

  Despite his excitement at the prospect of his mom and brother meeting his son, he felt guilty for not spending enough time with his mother over the last week. He’d been helping her set up her at-home care and talking to her doctors about what she needed, but he’d done it all via phone. He’d talked to her every day, too, but he still hadn’t told her about Ryker. He hadn’t wanted to tell her about a grandchild that wasn’t ready to meet her. Really, though, he knew that he hadn’t been to see her because he was a fucking coward. Every single time he tried to face the reality of what was happening, his chest ached.

  He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. “I’m going to go pick up your Uncle Jesse from the airport, and then I’ll call your mom to set everything up, okay?”

  Ryker looked up briefly, focusing on a point to the left of Reese’s face before returning his attention to his LEGOs. “Okay.”

  He fought the urge to reach out and touch Ryker, knowing that he wouldn’t welcome the touch. Hopefully as they grew closer, his son would feel more comfortable with small, affectionate touches. Reese knew that firm touches were better, but he didn’t think Ryker would want any kind of contact just yet. There was a lot being thrown at him, and Reese couldn’t help but admire the strength with which his little guy handled it all. He had his mom’s resilience, it seemed.

  Before he left the room, Reese quietly snapped a picture of Ryker putting together his Eiffel Tower replica to show his mom and brother. He followed the sound of dishes clinking together to the kitchen where he found Becky. He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, placing a light kiss on her hair before bending to settle his chin on her shoulder.

  “He’s doing really well with everything, I think. He’s in there with his LEGOs, thinking things through I’m sure.”

  Becky leaned her head against his for a too short moment. “I’m glad it went well, I’ve been so nervous about it. I lied to him, that’s never okay.”

  “Don’t ever beat yourself up for doing what’s best for our son. None of this has been easy for either of us.”

  The kitchen was quiet but for the sound of the dishes Becky continued to rinse off. Reese knew that they were both thinking about the tumultuousness of their past. It loomed large in his mind, something that he constantly worried they’d never be able to work past. Even now, he was shocked that they’d managed to let go of their anger so quickly. In the face of tragedy, people either came together or fell apart. He was beyond grateful for Becky’s solid presence in his life, but he worried that they were building something new on a broken foundation.

  He could only hope that they’d be able to work through all of the shit that still lay unspoken between the two of them. There was so much history there, a lot of it painful. Would they be able to talk it out? He wasn’t great at expressing his thoughts and frustrations and couldn’t help but fear that it would come back to bite him in the ass. Reese knew that they couldn’t build a lasting relationship without some hard discussions—he would just have to hope that he was ready to have them.

  “So, what’s the plan for today?” Becky asked, finishing placing the last dish in the dishwasher and stepping out of his arms to grab a towel and dry her hands. He followed her and settled his hands on her hips, turning her around to face him. He’d need some of her strength to get through today.

  “I’m going to head to the airport to pick Jesse up now. He’ll probably want to get settled at the hotel and then head to the hospital. Mom is being moved home tomorrow, so we will be there all day for that, and I need to tell them about Ryker. Maybe we can plan for the two of you to come for dinner on Monday?”

  “Wait, is your mom going to be staying alone at her apartment?”

  Reese lifted a hand and ran it through his hair. He’d figured out most of the logistics, but the question Becky posed was one he hadn’t worked out the answer to just yet. Both he and his mom had one-bedroom apartments. He could theoretically set up shop in her living room, but he had a feeling she’d want her home to remain the same, and a blow-up mattress big enough for his large frame would certainly cause a disturbance. His mom was also notoriously stubborn, and he doubted she’d want him staying with her. He could already hear her telling him that she had one nurse and didn’t need a second. He’d hoped that Jesse and Kate could help him figure out what to do.

  “That’s the plan for now. You remember how she is; I doubt she’ll let Jesse and I stay there. Plus the apartment is pretty small; it wouldn’t be comfortable for anyone.”

  Becky smiled. “Yeah, you definitely got your hard head from your mother. The service you hired—will it provide around-the-clock care?”

  “Not yet, but as she gets weaker, we plan to increase the amount of care she gets. She still seems pretty strong right now. The last time I talked to her she was pissed that the doctors and nurses at the hospital wouldn’t let her out of bed for more than a stroll around the hospital. Knowing her, she’ll try to continue her life as she always has. I’ll be shocked if she even quits her damn job without some pressure from us.”

  Reese felt his hands tighten on Becky’s waist as he thought of his mom getting weaker. It was hard to picture right now. Even when she’d been going through chemo a year ago, she’d been up and about as much as possible. Chemo would knock her on her ass for a day or two at most, and then she would get up and go right back to her daily routine until the next round hit her hard all over again. The woman was nothing if not resilient. Maybe that was why this diagnosis was so hard for him to accept—he couldn’t conceive of anything that she couldn’t fight off with her sheer force of will.

  Becky reached up to wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him down into a soft kiss. “We will figure it out, okay? Let’s take this one step at a time for right now. First step, pick Jesse up from the airport and get him settled. Text me and let me know how it goes.”

  He planted another small kiss on her lips, fighting the urge to deepen it, and then stepped back and gave her a mock salute. “Yes, ma’am.”

  In true southern form, Becky put her hands on her hips and stared him down.
“Don’t sass me.”

  He felt a smile quirk the corner of his lip. “Damn, you’re sexy when you’re stern. Save some of that attitude for tonight.”

  “Let’s see if I even let you come over, you giant pain in my ass.”

  “Getting more giant by the second.”

  Becky’s stern expression broke, and she burst into laughter. “I can’t deal with you right now. Go away.”

  He almost said I love you as he turned to walk away—the words were at the tip of his tongue—but he didn’t know if he wanted to say it out of habit or if it was how he really felt in this moment. Given their tenuous situation, he wanted to take it all very, very slowly.

  Instead of saying the three words he wasn’t ready to utter, he turned and left the kitchen, throwing a simple, “Bye, Beccs,” over his shoulder.

  Thankfully, Reese’s drive to the airport passed quickly. Jesse’s flight came in at an off time, so he didn’t have to deal with any rush-hour traffic. Houston traffic was notoriously unpredictable, particularly on the 59 south and the Beltway, so he was grateful that for once the traffic gods had been kind.

  He pulled into the terminal’s short-term parking and walked toward baggage claim, the humidity making him sweat even though he’d parked relatively close. You could always count on Houston weather to make you start sweating in under five minutes. Once in the baggage claim area, he checked the flight board and found that Jesse’s plane had just landed. He should be down here at any minute, and Reese fought the nerves he felt at the thought of seeing his brother under these circumstances. He hadn’t spoken to Jesse since their video chat—Kate had planned their flights and hotel stay and texted Reese the details.

  He’d asked Kate how Jesse was doing, but she’d only replied with “As well as can be expected.” Her response had done little to ease his worry. He could only hope that his brother was talking through everything with his wife instead of bottling it all up. Reese understood how hypocritical the thought was, given how difficult he himself found it to discuss what he was feeling, but he wanted the best for his brother, and keeping emotions trapped inside wasn’t healthy for anyone.