Forgetting to Breathe

by Megan E. Bean

  * * * *

  “How about Mean Girls ?” Jennifer suggested, and Ariel immediately protested.

  “Jesus Christ, not again. That’s all you two watch!” She pushed my best friend aside and started looking herself.

  “Whatever,” Jennifer replied and laid down next to me on the floor, grabbing a handful of popcorn. She looked at me with a smile on her face. “We could watch women’s golf.”

  I blushed and looked away.

  “What? Why the fuck would we want to watch that?” Ariel replied and continued flipping through the DVDs.

  “Ashley,” Jennifer said softly, making me look at her.

  “Yeah?” I said, casually. Could she see right through me?

  “You don’t have to be afraid to tell us.”

  “Tell you what?” I played dumb.

  She let out an exhausted groan. “What are you afraid of?”

  “Jennifer,” I started before she interrupted me.

  “Hey, Ariel,” Jennifer started, getting our friends attention, loudly.

  “No, we are not watching Mean Girls.”

  “I think I like girls,” my best friend said and I looked at her, shocked. What was she doing?

  “Okay? Good. We still aren’t watching Mean Girls,” Ariel replied, nonchalantly. Still looking at the DVDs.

  Jennifer looked at me, and raised her eyebrow. “See? What are you afraid of?”

  She was right. Why did I always tell her she was wrong whenever she hinted at me liking women? Why did I feel ashamed? I had the best friends in the world.

  “Okay,” I whispered. She smiled and hugged me. “Ariel, I like girls,” I said.

  “You too?” She looked over her shoulder at us. “I always knew you two were a little bit close,” she said and chuckled. Before we had the chance to interject, she continued. “Aha! We have the winner!” she declared and waved Planet Terror in the air.

  Chapter 2

  After my uneventful coming out to the girls, I was feeling good. We shared the news with the boys, and they collectively replied, “Hot.”

  I had arrived at school and closed the door to my Mustang, an old 2000 model, but I loved it. It was stick shift, and I actually bought it before I knew how to drive it. All summer I stalled out, got frustrated, and considered trading it. But I stuck with it, and it was my baby now.

  Throwing my backpack over one shoulder, I walked through the crowd of students to my classroom. I was the first to arrive—as always. Mr. Dunphy smiled and nodded at me, as he did every morning.

  I pulled my folder out of my backpack and placed it on my cold, white desk. As I flipped through my work sheets, a few people trickled in. I glanced at the door each time, hoping it would be her. My heart dropped whenever she finally entered the door. She was holding Sadie’s hand, smiling widely.

  The blonde was whispering something to her and she was eating it up. I tried to engross myself into the paper on my desk, but no matter how hard I stared at it, I couldn’t give it my attention. I looked at them out of my peripherals and could make out them leaned over, talking to each other.

  Finally, the bell rang and our teacher began the class.

  “Okay, we are going to start class by doing another partner activity.”

  Inside my head, I prayed the he would say Keira and I.

  “Lisa and Fred. Geraldine and Thomas. Sadie and Sean. Keira and…”

  Please be me, please be me, please be me.

  “Ashley.”

  Yes! I internally cheered, but tried to keep my cool. I looked over at the brunette, with a smile on my face. She was talking to her girlfriend, though, and they seemed to be in a heated conversation. What had changed since the beginning of class?

  Finally, she arrived at the seat next to me.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. You okay?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t overstepping my boundaries.

  “Yeah,” she replied and I noticed that she sounded exhausted. “Actually, no.” She shook her head and sighed, running her hand through her hair.

  “What is it?” I asked softly, hoping it didn’t seem weird that I was so concerned.

  “Sadie…” she started off and looked over at her girlfriend to make sure that she wasn’t looking, and whispered to me, “Sadie doesn’t like us working together.”

  “Oh,” I simply replied. I didn’t know what else to say.

  “It’s stupid,” she said and let out a heavy breath. “I told her you were straight, but she doesn’t care.” She stared into my eyes for a second before looking at her paper. “I don’t know. She’s so jealous sometimes.”

  She thinks I’m straight, from the other day. Now I would never have a chance with her. Not that I did before, but now I never would. Should I tell her I’m a lesbian? No, that would stress her and her relationship even more. And be weird. Great.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to stress you out,” she apologized. She was so sweet.

  “No. No. It doesn’t stress me out. I’m sorry. Why does she think there is anything to be worried about?” I asked and glanced to Sadie’s direction and noticed her staring at us. Glaring, actually. I quickly looked away and down at my desk, nervously shuffling through papers.

  “It’s really stupid,” she trailed off, a hint of a smile on her face. I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “Tell me,” I gently prodded her, and her smile grew.

  “The other day, she brought you up, saying you were really hot…” She glanced back to make sure Sadie wasn’t in earshot. “And I agreed, not realizing it was a trap.” She cringed, but the big grin didn’t leave her face.

  My heart was pounding in my chest. She thought I was hot?

  “So anyways, she started screaming at me and we fought all weekend. I told her you were straight, but she thought it was bullshit. She said she saw the looks between us two. Crazy, right? We’ve only hung out once. At that doesn’t count, because we are in class,” She justified and stared into my eyes again. I gulped.

  “Yeah. Totally crazy,” I replied and mentally kicked myself for my pathetic reply. She was still staring at me.

  “I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable I think you’re hot.”

  “No, it…it doesn’t,” I replied. “I’m flattered, in fact.” Keira rewarded me with a big grin on her face.

  “As you should be. I have very high standards,” she replied and winked at me, causing butterflies to return to my stomach. “Anyways, we have some math problems to crack,” She changed the subject.

  “Yes, we do, Mitchell,” I replied.

  We shared another smile, trying to ignore the daggers that were coming from her girlfriend’s eyes.

  * * * *

  “Are you going to the game tonight, sis?” my brother asked and tousled my hair as he passed me in the kitchen. I hated when he did that.

  “Yes, we are all going. We will be cheering you on. We are painting your number on our faces, too,” I sarcastically responded.

  “Don’t forget your pompoms,” He said and smirked, grabbing a piece of my chicken off of my plate. He was so annoying, but he wasn’t that bad a brother. He protected me from weirdo creeps. He punched a guy once, who wasn’t taking no for an answer at a school dance.

  He was tall and had very broad shoulders, making him perfect for football. The head coach actually approached him to start playing when he was a freshman.

  He spent too much time on his perfectly sculpted hair, but the girls loved it. He grew a beard this year, and the girls loved that, even more. He didn’t have a steady girlfriend at the moment—he preferred to play the field, as he said.

  “Oh shoot, I forgot them at my house. Ash, can we stop by and grab them?” Jennifer continued the banter.

  “Oh yeah, no problem, Jenny. I think we should have time,” I quipped and looked at my watch, pretending to check the time.

  “You guys are such dorks,” Brandon said and stared blankly at us before leaving the room.

  My best friend and I finished our me
al and went up to my bedroom to get ready for the game. She flopped down on my bed and sprawled out.

  “So, what’s the deal with your love interest?” she bluntly asked. I had told her I was into Keira, mainly because she called me out on staring at her during lunch.

  “Well, the weirdest thing happened.” She nodded expectantly, and I continued, “Sadie is all pissed because she doesn’t like us hanging out together. Well, working in class together.”

  “Ooh, the girlfriend is mad, huh?” She rested her head on her hands, looking at me, excitedly. She loved juicy gossip.

  “Yeah, but get this…” I trailed off, to be dramatic. “Sadie said that I was hot, to trick Keira into saying she thought I was hot,” I stated, sitting on the bed next to her.

  “And?!”

  “And she said yes!” I excitedly shared with her and she screamed, just as excited.

  “Oh my God, did you kiss her?!”

  “What?” I burst out laughing. “That is ridiculous, J.”

  “Okay, okay, you may be right,” she said and chuckled. “But what did you say?”

  “She said she told Sadie I was straight anyways and that she hoped I wasn’t uncomfortable and—”

  “Wait, she thinks you’re straight?” she cut me off. “Did you correct her?”

  “No. That would just make things worse for her.”

  “Only momentarily,” She sat up and faced me. “Listen to me. You need to tell her you’re a lezzie now.” I rolled my eyes at her word choice and she smiled and continued, “Yes, it will make things harder for her, but that’s what you want.”

  “No, it isn’t—”

  “Yes, it is. It won’t make her life harder. Just her relationship. Which is what you want. Are you following me?” She stared at me, and the wheels started turning. She was right. It would be a really unethical thing to do—wishing ill will on their relationship. But what would I really be doing wrong? It would just be me telling the truth.

  “Look, she goes to all of the games at the high school. She has to, since she’s an athlete herself. We could just casually bump into her. I’ll distract her soon-to-be ex-girlfriend and you just blurt out that you’re gay,” She finished, looking rather pleased with her idea.

  “That is a terrible idea,” I replied, laughing, and she joined in.

  “Okay, yes, it is a terrible idea. We will think of something better,” she stated before getting up out of the bed. “Come on, let’s get up. You need to look hot tonight.”

  * * * *

  The bleachers were packed. The lights were bright. The crowd was cheering loudly, and the game hadn’t even begun yet. I smoothed down my dress—one that Jennifer had picked out for me. It was red and simple. Jennifer said that red was a scientifically proven sexy color.

  “How the hell are we going to find her here?”

  “We will! We just have to look for all of the other jocks. I’m sure she will be sitting with her team,” she responded as we pushed through the people. Everyone reeked of alcohol. All of the students snuck in beer, and the coaches and other adults all turned a blind eye, because they were so into the game. They didn’t care what we were doing, as long as our team won.

  “Jenny! Ash!” We heard Ariel yell from the top of the bleachers and wave for us to join in.

  “Ugh, we will never find her,” I said, discouraged.

  “On the contrary, if we go up there, we can see everyone and it will be easier to spot her!” She grinned and grabbed my hand, dragging me behind her. I loved how smart she was sometimes.

  “Whoa! Look at you!” Jacob said to me, his eyes wide. I crossed my arms, trying to cover my cleavage.

  “Stop it, you pervert,” Ariel scolded him and turned back to face me. “You look hot.”

  “Stop it, you pervert,” I replied and laughed.

  We all settled in as the game started, and Jennifer and I were on our mission. We skimmed the crowds, thinking we had seen her a few times, but it never was. I was starting to lose hope again.

  “Ash! There she is!” Jenny grabbed my and pulled me up. A few people behind us yelled at us to sit down, but we ignored them. I looked at where she was pointing, and she was right. Keira was sitting down at the bottom of the bleachers with a bunch of jocks. I didn’t see Sadie. Maybe this was my chance.

  “Come on!” She clutched my hand, and we rushed down to the bottom of the bleachers.

  “Wait, so what am I going to say?” I was talking loudly so she could hear me over the marching band.

  “I don’t know. Just be like, hey you know how you think I’m straight? Well I’m not’?” she said nonchalantly. I was worried, thinking that was our only plan was a poor one.

  As we got closer to her and her friends, Jenny let go of my hand and tried pep talking me. She grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eye.

  “Alright, so just be casual. Bring up that you’re sorry about her and her girlfriend. Then just blurt out that you’re gay. Like you’re ripping off a Band-Aid. Remember—it’s not about the eloquence of the dialogue. It’s about getting the facts out there.”

  She sounded so crazy that it actually made sense. Was she a genius? Or was I going crazy, too?

  “It’s your time to shine, kid.” She let go of me and I stepped closer to Keira. She hadn’t noticed me yet. She was deep in conversation with her friends.

  “Hey—” I started to call to her, but stopped as I saw Sadie slide in next to her. She handed her a drink and kissed Keira on her cheek. I felt sick to my stomach. Oh my God, I was so stupid. If they notice me, what am I going to do?

  I panicked and turned back, but I heard her voice call me.

  “Ashley! Hey!” she said cheerfully. I winced, knowing for sure she had seen me, and turned back with a forced smile on my face. I felt so awkward.

  “Hey! What are you doing here?” I kicked myself. What a stupid question to ask. I could see her girlfriend glaring at me out of the corner of my eye. I tried to avoid looking at Sadie.

  “Oh, you know, just studying hard,” she replied with her trademark sarcasm. She was looking straight into my eyes. The butterflies were back. Sadie’s hand reached for hers, but she didn’t notice. Because she was drunk, probably.

  “You know, you need to give yourself a break and stop working so hard,” I joked back with her and she laughed loudly. It made me feel so good, that I almost forgot about her girlfriend killing me with a death stare right now.

  “You should sit with us,” she suggested and tried scooting over, but Sadie refused to budge.

  “Oh no, I don’t want to impose. I have to get back anyways,” I replied, and started to turn to walk away, but suddenly, I had arms wrapped around me. I breathed a sigh of relief whenever I saw that it was Jennifer, but that relief was soon replaced with surprise. She laid a big kiss on me. When I pulled back, her hands moved to my waist, pulling me into her. It seemed like minutes before she pulled away from me, leaving me in a daze. What had just happened?

  “Come on, babe, we have to get back to our seats,” she said sweetly, grabbing hold of my hand and leading me.

  As soon as we were out of earshot of them, she turned and smiled at me.

  “What was that?” I asked her, as confused as I could possibly be.

  “That was our Plan B. And look.” She nodded towards Keira. When I looked, I saw that she was looking at me, confused, with Sadie, looking angry, staring out to the football field.

  “Oh my God. You are a secret genius.” I was stunned.

  “I know,” She responded, smirking, and we continued up the bleachers, to our friends. I kept my eye on Keira and her girlfriend and it looked like the plan was well in action—they were fighting. I felt a tinge of guilt.

  “What’s wrong?” Jennifer poked me in the side, bringing my attention back to her.

  “I just feel bad.” And I really did. I didn’t want Keira to be unhappy.

  “You have nothing to feel bad about. You haven’t crossed any lines,” she defended our plan, and
she was right. “All that happened was they saw you and your girlfriend kiss.”

  “My girlfriend?” I raised my eyebrow at her.

  “Well yeah. You having a fake girlfriend is perfect.” She could tell that I wasn’t following. “Okay, so it means you clearly aren’t trying to break them up, because you have your own relationship. But it also lets Keira know that you are gay. Then once they break up, so will we,” she nonchalantly said, flipping her hair to be dramatic.

  “Okay, that’s actually a good idea.” It was. “But why would you do this for me? People are going to think you’re gay, you realize?”

  “So what? I don’t care what the people in this shit town think of me,” she responded, and we both laughed.

  Chapter 3

  All weekend, I obsessed over the events at the football game. The look on Keira’s face. The guilt I felt, which I would immediately suppress by the pep talk Jenny had given me. If they had broken up with over the weekend. I wondered if Keira was thinking of me. How school would be Monday. Or if maybe she wasn’t thinking about it at all.

  Either way, I was on my way to math and I was going to find out. I was nervous, to say the least. What if Sadie slapped me? That’s irrational, she wouldn’t do that. Right?

  I was the last to arrive to class—I was taking my time, due to my nerves. And that backfired whenever I came in and the entire classroom looked at me, including the two girls I were afraid to see.

  “Ms. Engles, nice of you to join us,” Mr. Dunphy said, and I could tell he was not pleased. I mumbled out an apology and sat down. My chair made a loud squeak as I scooted forward. How embarrassing.

  I stared at my desk, not daring to look in the direction of the gorgeous golfer and her girlfriend. My face was hot, as I could feel them looking at me, but I told myself that was not likely and that I was overthinking.

  “Anyways, class. Now that we are all in attendance,” the teacher took a dramatic pause, to shame me. “We can carry on with business as usual. I want you to team up with your partners from last week and finish the packet. At the end of class, we will go over our answers, okay?” He put his glasses back on and sat back at his desk, pulling out his Stephen King novel, as he did every day.