Forgetting to Breathe

by Megan E. Bean

  She moved from behind me, much to my disappointment, and was on the side of me now. She leaned down and pointed to the head of the club, explaining where to hit the ball and how to keep the bottom of it, flat on the ground.

  “Got it?” she asked me, standing and moving out of my swinging range.

  “I think so,” I replied timidly. I got back into position and took a couple of practice swings. I was a little more confident now. I was ready to take my final swing.

  I missed and the club flew behind my shoulder. I almost fell and my worst nightmare had come true. I had embarrassed myself in front of her.

  She giggled a little and told me it was okay, not to be embarrassed. She said she does it all the time still. And even though I knew she was lying, she made me feel better.

  She came back behind me, putting the club back in my hands. This time, she kept her hands over of mine. My heart pounded in my chest.

  “Okay, we are just going to practice your aim right now, okay?” I felt her breath against the back of my ear and I nodded. I wasn’t able to form words. I wondered if she knew what effect she was having on me right now.

  She moved my arms back and forth a few times, asking me if I understood what she was doing. I nodded again, even though I couldn’t hear a single word she was saying. She pressed up against my back with each swing, and I was getting chills from head to toes.

  “Okay, so let’s try your aim without me helping you, okay? Remember your grip,” she said and stepped to my side a little, still behind me.

  I gripped the club harder, and slowly positioned my back swing before swinging hard. I hit the ball! But also, my club came to a halt, surprising me.

  “Fuck!” I heard Keira yelp. I had hit her with the club. I dropped it immediately and faced her, cupping her face in my hands.

  “Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” I was such an idiot. Oh my God. She would never forgive me.

  “It’s…it’s okay,” she mumbled. She was holding her cheek. It was already red.

  “I don’t know what happened. Why were you behind me? Not that it’s your fault. I—”

  “Hey, it’s okay,” she eased my mind and chuckled as much as she could in her current state. “I said we were practicing your aim, not your swing.” She looked up at me, trying to smile.

  I should have been paying attention to her words, not just her body against mine.

  “I am so sorry, Keira. Let’s go get you some ice.” I helped her into the golf cart and drove us back to the clubhouse. I was mortified.

  Chapter 6

  I was so thankful that Keira was as kind as she was. After the golfing incident, I helped her ice her face, and we took a break from golf for the rest of the day. We sat at the clubhouse and joked around. I was relieved that the accident didn’t seem to make her like me any less.

  Now I was walking to first period, hoping that she still wasn’t just faking everything yesterday, and that she really did accept my apology. I was being irrational again. I sat down, anxiously awaiting her arrival. She finally came through the door and threw me a small smile, before going over to her old seat next to Sadie.

  A smile was good, right? I looked at the person sitting next to me and internally groaned. I wished it was Keira. Instead, I was sitting next to a pimply faced boy who breathed too loud.

  “Alright, class. Take one paper and pass it back. We are going to go over this study guide together. Quiz will be on Friday,” Mr. Dunphy declared, causing students to huff and puff.

  After we got our papers, he dimmed the lights and fired up the projector.

  All through the class, I kept glancing over at Keira, but she didn’t return my stare one time. Was she secretly mad at me? I know it had nothing to do with Sadie, because they didn’t say a word to each other. At least not that I saw.

  I couldn’t pay attention at all to the lecture, the problems, the presentation. I just kept staring over in her direction, hoping to make eye contact.

  “Ashley?” I heard my teacher’s voice and my head snapped up in his direction.

  “Yes, sir?”

  “Could you tell me the answer?” he asked, knowing damn well that I had no clue what question we were even on.

  “I’m sorry, umm, no,” I admitted. I could feel myself blushing. Thankfully it was dark in the room.

  He let out a disappointed sigh and continued with the class. Everyone had eyes on me. Everyone except her. What was going on?

  * * * *

  At lunchtime I was still confused about Keira’s cold shoulder. Things were so great yesterday, was she really that upset about the incident? Maybe she didn’t want to be with a clumsy idiot.

  “What’s got you down, clown?” Jennifer asked me as she scooted in beside me.

  “Oh, nothing. I’m just really tired,” I responded. I didn’t have the energy to explain everything to her.

  “Well, quit staying up all night watching reruns of The Office and you’ll be fine,” she quipped. Normally, I would say that she was spot on. I did spend many nights curled in bed until three A.M., watching the TV show, even though I had seen every episode ten times, if not more.

  “Don’t tell me how to live my life,” I half-heartedly joked.

  She seemed to have seen right through me. She gave me a sympathetic smile, but didn’t press me further.

  “So, are you guys going to homecoming?” Ariel asked, and we all agreed.

  “I have to set up for homecoming this Saturday. It’s going to be a long weekend,” I complained.

  “I can help you. I’m not doing anything this weekend,” Jennifer offered, and I gladly accepted.

  “So, you two can lez out?” Ariel asked, prompting laughter from the boys.

  “Oh, shut up, Ari.” I laughed. She was so dumb sometimes.

  “Hey, Engles,” I heard Sadie as she stormed up to our table, mocking the name that Keira called me.

  “What’s your problem, Sadie?” Jenny stood up, defending me immediately. She really couldn’t stand her.

  “Back off, Jennifer,” she seethed and turned to look at me. “I just wanted to say, good luck with Keira. She can be a real handful,” she said to me before leaving as quickly as she came. She turned her head once more and called me a bitch.

  Maybe that was why Keira was ignoring me, to protect me? I hoped so.

  “What the fuck was that about?” Ariel asked me, stunned.

  “That girl is a major bitch,” Jacob stated.

  “Kind of hot, though,” Johnny chimed in, receiving a slap on the back of his head from Ariel.

  “They broke up, I guess,” I told them all.

  “What? When? Why didn’t you tell me?” Jenny bombarded me with questions.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t want to bother you over the weekend,” I started off slowly. I had to tell her the next part. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. “We hung out yesterday.”

  “What?” Jennifer and Ariel said in unison.

  “Why didn’t you say anything?” Jenny grilled me.

  “Because it just ended terribly,” I looked down at the table, reliving the moment in my head.

  “What happened?” She placed her hand on mine, to comfort me.

  “I went to one of her tournaments yesterday and she won. It was super sexy,” I started rambling and Jenny removed her hand from mine suddenly. Was she mad at me? I continued anyways, “So, afterwards we went golfing. Well, tried to go golfing. She was showing me how to hold the club and was behind me, and oh my God, I almost died because she was touching me,” I gushed and Ariel and the boys were smiling, listening intently. “But I missed my shot, so she tried helping me aim and I thought I was supposed to be swinging and…” I trailed off and they looked at me, hanging onto my words. “I hit her in the face with the club,” I blurted out.

  They roared with laughter as I tried to hide my blush. I noticed that Jenny wasn’t laughing, though. She seemed to be zoning out.

  “Hey,” I said to her, softly, not trying to make a big deal out of i
t. She just looked up at me. “What’s up?”

  “Nothing.” She regained her composure and continued. “Didn’t she think it was weird that you were on a date even though you have a girlfriend?”

  That’s what this was about. She thought I had made her look like a fool. I had to ease her mind.

  “Oh, no. Don’t worry. I told her we broke up, so it’s—”

  “What? You told her we broke up?” she snapped at me. I was confused. Why was she mad? I didn’t make a joke out of her, like she had thought.

  “What’s the problem? I didn’t make a fool out of you. I did the right thing,” I defended myself.

  “Ashley, that isn’t the…” She shook her head. “That wasn’t a part of the plan.”

  “Ooh, trouble in paradise,” Jacob cooed, receiving a death glare from my best friend.

  She grabbed her tray and got up. “I have to go, guys. I’ll see you later.” And with that, she stormed off.

  “What was that about?” I asked the group and they all shook their heads, just as confused as me.

  * * * *

  Later that night, I was in bed, moping around when I heard my phone buzz. I was expecting it to be Jenny, since I had texted her five times, with no reply.

  Mitchell: Hey Engles.

  How could she text me so casually?

  Me: Hey Mitchell.

  Mitchell: I just wanted to say I’m sorry about today.

  Me: What about it?

  I overthought my text, hoping that it didn’t sound rude. But I also wanted her to think that I hadn’t noticed anything off, in fear of seeming like I was obsessing over her not talking to me.

  Mitchell: I wanted to talk to you, but I wanted to respect Sadie. I don’t want her thinking I left her for you or some other crazy conclusion she would jump to.

  Would that really be a crazy conclusion? We did have a date on Sunday…right? Why did I feel offended by that text?

  Me: Oh no, it’s understandable. It’s okay.

  Mitchell: Cool :) I missed you, just saying.

  My heart fluttered and a smile was plastered on my face. She liked me, right?

  Me: I missed you, too, just saying. :)

  So, it looked like I was worried about nothing all day. At least when it came to Keira. All thoughts of Jennifer left my mind as I spent the rest of the night texting my new love interest.

  * * * *

  The next day after school, things were still tense between Jennifer and I. Between not being able to talk to Keira openly and my best friend giving me the cold shoulder, I was a bit lost, to say the least. Sure, I had Ariel and the boys, but it just wasn’t the same.

  I decided that I needed to patch things up with Jennifer, and get to the bottom of what was bothering her. I know I didn’t follow our plan, but what had I done wrong, really? I made sure that we were broken up before I had my date with Keira.

  I hadn’t seen her this upset since her and Greg broke up in middle school. They got married when we were kids. There wedding rings were twist ties. When she found out that he kissed Brittany, she yelled at him that she wanted a divorce and threw her ring at him.

  I asked her to come over to my house after school and she agreed. I couldn’t read her, though. She was acting very neutral all day. Nevertheless, I was glad that she agreed.

  When she arrived that afternoon, I made sure to put her favorite movie on. I got all kinds of snacks ready—sour gummy worms, Reese’s, popcorn, and Twizzlers. I even got us two Icees from the gas station on my way home.

  We settled in, both sitting on the floor in front of my bed, using it as a backrest. I offered her popcorn, but she declined. She never denied popcorn. I shook it off, though.

  “Hey, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about not telling you about me hanging out with Keira,” I apologized and she responded, not looking away from the TV.

  “It’s no problem, Ashley,” she said, a bit sternly.

  I didn’t know what to say, so I continued watching the movie with her, in an awkward silence.

  Our hands touched as we both grabbed for a piece of popcorn and she drew her hand back quickly. I looked over at her and she looked away.

  Was what I had done really that bad? So bad that she couldn’t even handle touching me? This was ridiculous.

  “Look, are you going to tell me what’s going on or what?” I paused the movie and forced her to look at me. She sighed, annoyed. “Seriously, Jenny, what I did wasn’t so bad. I was busy and didn’t have time to tell you about the date. I told her we broke up, so it didn’t look like I was making a fool out of you. I told her we just decided we were better as friends,” I drew my rant to a close and she grabbed the remote, clicking play.

  I gave up, and we sat watching the movie in silence, until she finally muttered something.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I looked at her, but she was still facing the TV.

  “It’s okay,” I replied. I guess that was the only resolution we were going to get for now, and I had to be okay with that.

  Suddenly, I heard my phone ring. I got up to grab it off of my table, Jennifer’s eyes following me. It was Keira.

  I pressed Accept immediately and greeted her.

  “Hey, Mitchell, what’s up?” I couldn’t help but smile. I didn’t hear her reply, though, as my best friend, interrupted.

  “That’s her?” She sounded angry, for whatever reason. I looked at her, confused. She stormed out of my bedroom.

  “What’s going on?” I heard Keira’s voice and I returned my attention to her.

  “Oh, nothing. Jenny just—”

  “Jenny? You’re still hanging out with her a lot, huh?” she said, flatly.

  “Yeah. She’s my best friend,” I said, not understanding where this was going.

  “Well, anyways, I just wanted to say hi. I have to go, though. See you later, Mitchell,” she said and hung up the phone before I could reply.

  What the hell was going on? Did I have the plague or something?

  I could have chased after Jennifer. I could have called Keira back. But I decided to just pick up the snacks off the floor, turn my TV off, and go to bed.

  Chapter 7

  I was very lethargic Friday after school. I still had no clue what was going on with either one of the girls. I had pushed myself past the point of caring, straight into just numbing my mind. Binge watching Netflix and eating bags of popcorn helped quite a bit.

  “What are you watching, honey?” my mother asked, sitting on the recliner next to me. I was sprawled out on the couch, popcorn crumbs all over my shirt. I didn’t care.

  “Some murder documentary. I don’t know,” I replied.

  We sat in silence for a few moments as the narrator went over the evidence. Every time I watched these TV shows, I thought I could easily be a detective.

  In this particular case, they couldn’t find the killer in their DNA database. Years later, they looked into the evidence and saw that the stamp on the pack of cigarettes showed that they were from a neighboring state. The checked that state’s database, and found him.

  Now, why would they not check the neighboring state to begin with? And how could they miss the blue stamp on the cigarettes?

  “These cops are idiots,” my mother said and I laughed for the first time in days, it felt like.

  “I know. We would be better detectives than them,” I agreed with her.

  “Oh, we could be a mother-daughter detective team!” she excitedly said.

  “Like the Gilmore Girls, with a twist,” I said.

  We shared a laugh, and I was in a decent mood finally. I picked some of the popcorn remnants off of my shirt and placed them on the napkin on the table.

  I got the sudden urge to share what was bothering me. My mother’s presence was always so comforting to me. I resisted the urge for a few moments, but finally, I paused the TV.

  “Hey, Mom, can I talk to you about something?”

  “I don’t know, can you?” she replied, sarcastically
, and I smiled. I knew where I got my humor from.

  “So, you know how Jenny and I had that stupid plan to fake date so that Keira would be into me?”

  “The plan that worked, according to your date Sunday,” she interjected.

  “Yes. That one. Well, I didn’t tell Jenny about it, and she found out about it at school. She got upset. And on top of that, Keira isn’t really talking to me in public, because she doesn’t want to hurt her girlfriend—”

  “Oh, honey, I’m sorry.” She reached out her hand and put it on top of mine. Literally, she was the best mother ever.

  “It’s okay. But last night when Jenny came over, she was still being distant. Then Keira called, and when I answered and Jenny stormed out, and Keira got all weird and neither of them are talking to me now.” I took a deep breath after the rant.

  “Hmm,” My mother thought out loud.

  “What?” I egged her on. I was anxious to hear her advice.

  “Well, sweetie. It sounds like Keira is just jealous. She thinks you two dated, so she is worried that you might rekindle something. You want my opinion?” she asked and I nodded. “You need to come clean and let her know it was a lie.”

  I started to protest, but she shook her head and continued.

  “No. I know it will be scary, but if she is as nice and funny as you say, and if it is meant to be, she will think it was just silly and forgive you. It will give her peace of mind,” she said. I knew she was right. Even though she might not trust me afterwards.

  “And with Jenny? What is her problem? She can’t be mad at me for not telling her the day it happened, can she?”

  “Well, the way I see it, I think she feels threatened. You not telling her may have made her think you were drifting apart. Then you answering the phone while she was there—it was almost like unintentionally rubbing your new friendship in her face. I know you didn’t mean to. But Jenny has always been a little sensitive,” she answered. I think she was spot on. “Or it’s because she’s in love with you,” she joked and I laughed with her. That would be something, wouldn’t it?

  * * * *

  That night, I was listening to music and doing my homework. It was going to be a tough weekend for me. My mom’s advice played over and over in my head. But where to begin?