Dead Paper Birds

by McKinney, Megan

  I was slowly climbing the steps leading to my front door when over the loudspeakers came the usual repetitive message: Curfew is now in effect. Any persons caught out in the streets will be reprimanded.

  “Yeah, like being shot in the streets is just being punished.” I mumbled under my breath. I unlocked my door and walked in locking it immediately behind me. “Who’s there?!” Came a panicked cry.

  “It’s just me.” I called out with an exasperated voice. I bent over and began unlacing my boots, I had to unlace them all the way just to get my feet out. It was a pain to get them on and off but once I got them on they were the best boots I could hope for. I heard small footsteps come out of the living room. I looked up to see my sister, Emmie peering at me, her daughter Lily was peering through her legs. Lily was six who believed she was going on sixteen. Wearing dresses, getting into her mother’s makeup. She liked remind me every day that it was one day closer to her turning seven. She was wearing a flannel nightgown, with sad looking slippers on her feet. Emmie had brown hair just like mine but unlike me kept her hair trimmed and brushed. Whereas I pulled mine back in a braid without brushing it half the time. I constantly had rat nests and flyaways. Lily though had red hair like her father’s. Emmie didn’t have to remind Lily to keep her hair brushed, she did that on her own. In comparison to them I stuck out like a sore thumb, but that was why I did the dirty work and not Emmie. Lily tried to run around her mom, while crying out with excitement. “Auntie Alice!”

  Emmie stopped her by wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “No! You’ve already had your bath. Do you want another one?”

  Lily sighed dramatically. “No mommy.”

  “Then march back into the living room so I can brush your hair and grandma can finish telling you your story.”

  Lily hung her head in defeat and marched back to the living room.

  I pulled my boots off with a sigh, I set my bow and arrows down on the ground in the corner and hung my backpack on its hook. Emmie huffed at my turned back and walked away. I looked over my shoulder and I was alone again. I unzipped my jacket and hung it next to my backpack. Smiling to myself, I pulled the two containers of rice and oats out of my backpack. This’ll make mom happy. Not necessarily fresh but it’s not coming out of a plastic bag either. I hugged the two containers to my chest and walked into the living room.

  Emmie was sitting on the couch braiding Lily’s hair. Her husband Jack was reading a manual and jotting stuff down into a notebook. He had brilliant red hair that liked to stick up in the back no matter what he or Emmie did to it. He was the one who made sure that we had a constant source of electricity. It wasn’t always a lot but enough to cook and have lights on at night, with the occasional heated blanket on a cold night. He rigged solar panels to the roof of our building. He built them from hand, including the wiring. There would be days that he would give me a list of items to find and when/if I found them he would busy himself building some sort of contraption that would make our lives better. He was either reading or building something. Always trying to learn new and better ways to do everything. On the other side of the living room Mom was sitting in Dad’s old chair knitting what looked like a sock. She had bags and bags full of yarn. When she wasn’t cooking, she usually was knitting.

  They all looked up when I came into the living room. Mom put her knitting down when I walked over to her. I dropped to my knees and put the containers in her lap. “What are these?” She laughed.

  “Open them.”

  She opened them. “Oh my.” She breathed out. She looked back up to me with tears in her eyes, but she stopped and gasped.

  I frowned at her until I looked down. My entire front was covered in dried blood. It covered my shirt and all the way down to mid-thigh. “It’s not mine.” I looked back up at mom, panic was now written over her face. She touched the side of my face and I jerked back as pain lanced from where she had touched. “Mom, I’m fine. It’s only a few scratches. It’s not my blood though. I’m gonna go clean up.” I smiled at her. I completely forgot about the blood. Stupid stupid stupid.

  As I left I didn’t miss the look Emmie sent her husband, who shrugged.

  I left the living room in a hurry. I should have left my jacket on. I ran up the stairs taking them two at a time. Before I ran into the bathroom I grabbed clean clothes from my room. No point in cleaning up if I’m just going to put dirty clothes back on. On my way out, I grabbed my towel that was hanging from the back of my door. In the bathroom I threw my clothes on the counter and looked in the mirror. Along the side of my face was all scratched and swollen. Four deep scratches stretched from directly below my eye down to my jaw bone. Dried blood covered most of it, making them look worse than they already were. I turned my face to hide the scratches. Maybe if someone could look past the scratches, dirt, blood and messy hair they would see that I’m not completely unappealing. My skin was tan from spending all day out in the sun, I was small but I had muscles that rippled under my skin. My blue eyes glittered from deep sockets. I pulled my braid back over my shoulder, it was sticky with blood and there was pieces of glass in it. I picked the glass out and stripped out of my clothes. They were definitely going to need some soaking to get all the blood out. On the bright side it’s not my blood that I have to wash out this time. I straightened and looked at my body in the mirror. I had muscle but I could still see where my ribs curved inwards. I ran my fingers across my rib cage causing goosebumps to break out. I was slim but strong. It seemed like no matter how much I tried to eat, even before I couldn’t gain any weight. Mom would fret, shoving me full of protein and vitamins but I wouldn’t gain a pound. When food was scarce I didn’t seem to be as bothered by it like my family. They would lose weight and look starved, while I lost weight yes, but I never seemed to look as unhealthy as they did. Now, I tried to remember to eat, some days I did and some I didn’t. I was different. But how, I wasn’t sure. I turned from the mirror to dip my fingers into the bucket of water that was sitting in the bath tub. It was freezing. I sighed. Guess I was getting a cold shower.

  …

  I woke up stiff and sore. It felt like fire was racing up and down the side of my face. The rest of me felt stiff and bruised. I wanted to sleep more but once I was awake, I was awake for the day. I groaned and opened my eyes. I turned my head slightly and saw that Lily was sitting on the edge of my bed. I smiled stiffly at her, no wonder I was awake. “Morning.” She called out in a sing song voice.

  “Morning.” I groaned back.

  She leaned in close to me and very seriously whispered. “My birthday is in four days. Did you remember my present?”

  I grinned at her and whispered back. “What? I thought you were getting me something?”

  She jumped up and down on my bed causing me to rock which made my head ache fiercely. “No! It’s my birthday, you’re supposed to get me something you goose!”

  I laughed despite my head aching. “Of course, I got you something. But I’m not telling you what it is. Now go away. I need to get dressed.”

  She gave me a fake pout before kissing me on the cheek and running out of my room, slamming the door shut behind her.

  Pain laced itself up and down the side of my face into the top of my head, while the room spun slowly around me. I closed my eyes, whispering threats to myself before finally getting up. I didn’t want to get up but if I didn’t it would only be a matter of time before Lily would just come in again. I pulled sweats on and switched my t-shirt for another one that was clean. I wasn’t planning on seeing the mayor today so I neglected the bra. I took a hairband and loosely tied my hair back, while trying to aggravating my head. I left my room and was surprised to see that Lily wasn’t lurking outside my door. As I came down the stairs one at a time, my sister was waiting for me at the landing. As I stepped onto the landing I raised my eyebrows at her, not wanting to deal with her and her antics right now.

  She put her hands on her hips. “You need to be more careful. Coming home covered in blood nearl
y put mom into a panic. And you know I don’t need Lily being exposed to that kind of stuff.”

  I put my hands up “Whoa whoa wait what? If any of you knew what I dealt with out there you would panic every time someone went out the front door. Besides- “

  “Besides what? You know how delicate mom’s health has been. You can’t go doing that to her. I couldn’t stand losing her. Not after losing dad.” She glared at me, accusation painted on her face. “And don’t even think of showing Lily how to do any of what you do. She’s only six year’s old, way too young to have any cares other than being a kid. So, if I catch you even talking to her about it, you’ll regret it.”

  I felt my temper rising, mixed with being in pain after yesterday was not a good combination. And here was my sister was pointing fingers at me when I had done nothing wrong. Yes, I had thought about teaching Lily at least how to defend herself but not until she was older. Jack was constantly on my case to take him to the other side of the wall, to show him how to do what I did, but I kept putting it off. Even though I knew that someday I was going to have to teach someone. Every time I seriously thought about it, all I could think about was Dad.

  “Get it right, she’ll be seven in four days. Now get out of my face.” I growled. Emmie backed off but she didn’t leave without shooting me another glare. She fled into the living room.

  I stomped into the kitchen. It was usually the second busiest room in the house but not today. Only my mom was sitting in there. She was staring out the window that looked into the small backyard full of dead grass and weeds. My voice caught in my throat and I stood awkwardly in the doorway. It was my fault dad had died. Dad and I had been out on a run getting supplies just like I did yesterday, when the raiders had come out of nowhere, they were worse than the infected. At least the infected would just kill you, raiders liked to play first. They had seen me. Even with my hair cut short, wearing clothes that were too big still couldn’t hide the fact that I was a girl. And that was what they had wanted. Dad told me to run. I ran. Whenever he barked an order like that, in that tone of voice I never argued with him. But now my conscience like to scream at me. Why did I listen to him and leave him alone? He never came to our hiding spot. I hid there for three days before working up the courage to go home. It wasn’t until I had backtracked after those three days that I had found his body did I know what happened to him. Then I had to go home with the knowledge that Dad’s blood was on my hands. No one let me live it down that it was my fault, including me. The accusation and anger were always written on their faces, except Mom’s. She was just… sad. There was nothing else to say about her. She didn’t eat, she didn’t drink unless someone sat beside her and coached her. Every time I faced her I was filled with such guilt and I would wish that I hadn’t run. That I had just stayed by Dad’s side even if it meant that I hadn’t come home. At least then I wouldn’t have had to live with the guilt.

  I stood there in the doorway fighting the guilt and temptation to just crawl back into bed or lace up my boots and head out again when she turned from the window. She gave me one of her sad smiles and patted the chair next to her. Before my brain knew what my feet were doing, I was crossing the room to sit down next to her. Gently I sat down and looked where she was looking out the window. A group of small children were playing tag in the middle of the alley. Laughing and screaming in joy. Parents were standing on the edges, talking to each other in serious tones while the children ran with no fear in their voices or actions. What must it be like to be so free? So innocent? I switched my gaze to look at the flowers that were sitting in a small vase. Daisies. Only Lily would be out picking flowers. Maybe I should spend more time with her. Be more of a figure in her life than just a passing aunt. I should be here with mom more, spend time with her, show her that I do care. Maybe that’s what she needs. To have me here more and out there less. But I can’t just sit here and try to ignore the guilt. The only way for me to fight the guilt was to be ensuring our survival. There’s so much I should be doing but ensuring everyone’s survival took up most of my time. How was I supposed to be there for them when I wanted to make sure there was enough for everyone to eat?

  I laced my fingers with Mom’s, she looked down at our hands startled; as if I had never touched her before. I opened my mouth, but what should I say? I’ve said sorry on so many different occasions. I don’t know what I’m apologizing for. For being here alive when dad isn’t? For leaving him alone? For not being a better daughter to her? I’ve gone out of the quarantine zone to find stuff for trade to keep food in the house. I’ve risked my life to make sure that we had what was needed. Haven’t I done enough to make up for one deadly mistake? What would make it enough? I closed my mouth without saying anything and turned back to watching the kids.

  “I never blamed you.”

  I looked back at mom. “What?”

  She smiled sadly. “I never blamed you. I just miss him so, and you look so much like him and there are days when your mannerisms are the same that I would swear he was here again…” She had tears running down her face. With her other hand she wiped them away. “If he had come home without you, he never would have forgiven himself… either way from what you told me; one of you would never have come home… I worry every time you leave that I’ll never see you again. I’m just glad that I still have one of you. He lives on through you.” She squeezed my hand hard enough to cut off the circulation but at that moment I didn’t care. “You used to have brown eyes when you were younger, just like him. One day they were brown, the next they were blue.”

  “What do you mean? Eyes don’t just change color.”

  She smiled. “I know. I asked your father, and he said he had an uncle whose eyes did that when he was a kid. So, he wasn’t surprised when yours did it too.”

  Eyes that randomly changed color? That didn’t make any sense. I didn’t know what to say, so instead of saying anything I reached down into my pocket where I had hidden the little angel before leaving my room. I pulled it out and held it out to her. Gently she plucked it out of my hand and held it up to the light to let it sparkle. “Thank you.” She whispered. I laid my head on her shoulder and listened to her soft breathing.

  …

  I spend the day cutting the sad vegetables from the garden with mom. I did crafts with Lily. I helped Jack go over the solar panels. Getting them ready for the wet weather that would start any day now. I tried to relax. I tried to enjoy my family’s company but it was hard to try to be happy. To act like this was just a normal day. I tried. I really did.

  It was later that evening when I was walking past the front door I noticed a piece of paper laying on the floor. I picked it up and flipped it over. In neat handwriting it simply said Alice. I unfolded it. In the same handwriting it always was in it said “Meet me at our usual spot. ~Brody”

  I clenched my jaw. Why can’t I have one day off? One day? Fricking impossible around here. I crumpled the paper up and dropped it to the floor. I guess I have to get dressed now. Brody wouldn’t have dropped that off if he didn’t need to meet me. He only did that when he needed help or had something important to tell me. I dragged my feet up the stairs to get dressed. It was getting cold outside with the sun going down. I picked a pair of black jeans, to go with a thermal long sleeve shirt. I grabbed long socks and pulled them on.

  As I was coming back down the stairs Jack, stepped out of the living room, holding a book in his hands. “You’re going out?”

  “Yeah, why?” I grunted. I shoved my feet into my boots and laced them up, starting from the bottom.

  “Ya know no one would blame you for taking an evening for yourself. If you would let me I could help. Go on runs with you, be an extra set of eyes.”

  I slipped my jacket on, the one with pockets galore. I zipped it up and it covered me all the way to mid-thigh. “Jack. I’ve already told you no. Please don’t ask again. You have a little girl that needs you.” But it was so much more than just Lily needing her father. My consciousness couldn’
t even handle the thought of him going on a run with me. Let alone what would happen if he got hurt or infected. My hands shook while I grabbed my beanie and purposely not looking at him I walked out the door. “Maybe in the future, ok. But for now, stop asking. Ok?”

  Before the door could shut he called out after me, “Don’t get caught. Curfew is in effect.”

  I waved my hand back at him. He shut the door and I moved quickly. The meeting spot was only a couple of blocks away but if I got caught sneaking out after curfew I would be in a whole lotta trouble. Like being shot in the head trouble. I kept low as I made my way behind and around houses; using shadows to hide me. Maybe one in four street lights worked, leaving the streets deep in shadows. There was a reason I liked to dress in dark colors, made it much harder for anyone to see me even while moving. Most of the soldiers relied too much on using lights and their eyes. Seven times out of ten they didn’t notice me, even in the daylight in plain sight. I’ve snuck past them while they were out on routine scouts on the outside of the wall. It was almost too much fun to throw bottles and make random noise just to watch them almost pee their pants. They ignored all other senses, they didn’t listen to the environment around them, until something was shoved in their face almost. But I suppose it must not have always been that way, before everything went to hell they all had the proper training but now hell you were lucky if you got a uniform. I only knew this because I had been hiding on one side of a dumpster while a couple of soldiers were on the other side just talking, taking a long smoke break. I had to sit there for almost an hour before they decided to move on. Lazy right? Luckily for me yes.