Forever Shade

by Shayne Ford

  Sunk in thought, he lights up a cigarette and keeps his eyes on the road.

  “When do you go back?” I ask.

  The question has been tormenting me since that night on the beach when he kissed me.

  He glances at me, distracted.

  “Going back?” I say.

  “Tomorrow,” he mutters, setting his eyes on the road again.

  My gaze lingers on him, my stare bringing his eyes to me again.

  “You’re all set,” he says seriously. “My people will work with your team. You don’t need me or Chad.”

  “Yeah... yeah. I know,” I say, shifting my gaze away from him.

  With that, we let the silence join us for the rest of the trip.

  Minutes later, he brings his car to a smooth stop in front of his house.

  We enter his place a moment later. The space is quiet, a warm glow licking the walls, a blue light lining the bottom of the pool.

  The back of the house is open to the ocean, the soft breeze sweeping the floors, and making the water ripple in the pool.

  “Mmm... It’s beautiful,” I say, strolling to the terrace.

  “Would you like something to drink?”

  “No. Thank you.”

  He sets his keys and phone on the counter before he joins me on the patio. For a few long moments, we share silence while staring at the ocean.

  I spin around and lean against the handrail while he keeps his eyes trained on the water.

  “So what happened all this time, Tara?” he asks softly.

  I study his face for a moment.

  He seems reserved, guarded.

  “As much as I hated myself for doing it, I waited for you,” I say.

  His eyes shift to me.

  “You said that you were going to wait...”

  “Yes. I did. But it wasn’t that easy. Not when I realized that you were gone for good. Everything felt like a setup, and I hated it. And for a moment, I hated you as well.”

  A soft smile curves his lips.

  “So what did you do when you realized that you hated me?”

  “Nothing,” I say, laughing softly. “I couldn’t do a damn thing, and that made me hate you even more.”

  A few more moments pass by, my smile withering away as the memories come back to me.

  “And then I realized what really happened...” I say as I relive that moment. “I knew you that you weren’t coming back. I knew it early on...” I mutter. “Perhaps the moment you climbed out of the car and walked down the street and hailed that cab. Something screamed at me then. But I was too numb to react. It was only later on, after a few more weeks, when I had to face the harsh reality, and then the desperation set in.”

  A smile pushes to my lips, yet my tears well up.

  “I couldn’t let anyone know how bad things were. Not even Maya. I had no other choice but to lie to myself and her.”

  He listens to me, not showing much emotion.

  “I always knew what we had,” I continue. “I was blindsided, but I wasn’t blind. I knew how lucky I was. We both were. That’s why I couldn’t stand the fact that something stupid like that tore us apart.”

  I pause for a moment.

  “It was hard to make peace with the fact that I lost you. And not only because you had to leave and I had to stay, but because I destroyed your trust. You never told me that, but I knew it. Aside from everything else you loved me for, there was one thing fundamental to you. And that was the trust you had in me. You needed that certainty more than anything else–– as much as you needed love. I know who you are. Shade, and I know how much it means to you. That’s why you stayed away from me. Once that trust was broken, you couldn’t ‘see me’ anymore, not in the way you used to. You couldn’t tell which part of me was real and which wasn’t. I was no longer a clear mirror to you. I was a broken mirror. That realization almost killed me. I didn’t know if we could ever patch things up and make it work again so I drown myself in work, hoping to forget. That’s what happened after you left.”

  I go silent, my gaze trailing down.

  “And recently?”

  I whip my eyes to him again and look for clues in his expression, but I can’t find any.

  “I never thought that I’d meet you again,” I murmur, avoiding the answer that he wants from me. “Not like this, anyway.”

  We share a brief silence before I speak again.

  “What happened to Elia?”

  “What should’ve happened a long time ago,” he says, smiling bitterly.

  He tears his gaze away from mine and looks away.

  “She was convinced that the past would never catch up with her. She always thought that she could do whatever the hell she wanted and never face the consequences. Despite affecting me, and my father, she never felt responsible for the things she’d done to us.”

  He pauses and glances at me as he speaks again.

  “What she did to you was vile, but it wasn’t you she was after. She wanted to hurt me more than anything else. You were only a pretext as I said it so many times. She wanted to control me more than she wanted to destroy you, but she knew that you were my weakness––an easy way to get back at me. She knew that if she pulled you away, she’d crush me.”

  “What was her problem?” I mutter, baffled.

  He stares into the distance.

  “I wish I never had to tell you this story. It’s not something that I’m proud of, but I guess… it no longer matters,” he says, his voice hollow. “I didn’t lie to you when I said that she would’ve done it anyway. One way or another, she would’ve found a way. And that would’ve happened whether you were in the picture or not. There was a reason she kept me away from her for so long, something I couldn’t understand as a child. But as I started to grow up and learn about life and people, I began to understand. It wasn’t something that a child should process, but things were the way they were. One summer vacation–– one of the few she allowed me to spend at home, I found the answers to my questions. We always had this complicated relationship, different than what the other kids had with their parents. I thought that she had her quirks like everybody else. You know... A vain, spoiled woman who couldn’t embrace motherhood. A narcissistic mother. She fit that profile down to the last detail. Little did I know that there was more to the story. One night she went out partying, and I was home alone looking for something to read. That evening, a box full of answers was handed to me. It was pure luck–– and a bit of negligence on her part. She had entrusted this box filled with secrets with one of our maids. The woman–– an old lady who most likely hadn’t had the slightest idea what was stuffed inside that box, had it tucked into a drawer. That night, the woman got sick and asked her daughter to do her work. As the young woman started to clean the rooms, she stumbled upon the box that belonged to my mother. She thought that it was misplaced, so without a second thought, she brought it to me. The box was filled with letters and pictures. That’s how I found out about my mom’s deepest secret. She had an extramarital affair months before I was born. Her liaison wasn’t solely based on lust. She fell in love with that man. And I suspect that he was the only man she’d ever loved. She was convinced that I was his son.”

  He stops and breathes out a sad chuckle before he continues.

  “You’d think that she’d love me more because of that. No, no. She loved him, but she couldn’t deal with the idea of me. He broke her heart–– as men often do, before he moved on with his life. I, on the other hand, reminded her of him, her weakness and perhaps, her sheer stupidity. It wasn’t as if that man had never loved her. He had, but he quickly realized that he couldn’t have a future with her. That’s why, to her, his memory is bittersweet up to this day. She tried to blackmail him, and that’s how she lost him. In that box, she kept everything that reminded her of him, every little thing documenting their affair from start to finish. The information was way more than I needed to understand what was going on in her life. I had that box with me for a week. It was e
nough time to make a copy of the documents and the pictures. When I was done, I put it back into the drawer. No one knew what happened that night. Not the old lady, not her daughter, and surely not Elia. After I learned the truth that day, it was easy to understand why she made my life a living hell. Knowing about her affair, kept me away from my father as well. So I was pretty much alone. Chad was my only friend, and for the most part I borrowed his family’s affection. He was luckier than me in that regard. His parents are good people. Kind people. I think they knew that something was going on, so they slowly pulled away from my parents too. It was a very strange time in my life,” he says and smiles, saddened. “Once I got into college, I thought that things would get better, and she’d move on to something else. No fucking chance. If anything, everything got worse. She started to use her money as leverage and tried to push me into doing what she thought was best for me. Right then and there, it was clear to me what kind of life she had planned for me. I knew that I had to put an end to it, yet I couldn’t wait until I finished school, so I dropped out. She didn’t like it a bit. She hoped that I’d come back home and do whatever she wanted me to. But things were different than what she expected. And that’s when I found you. I thought that I found real love,” he says, and I can almost hear my heart breaking.

  “That’s why I said that she would’ve done it anyway,’ he says after a moment. “She would’ve taken the money away from me just to make a point, so before things started to unravel, I suggested a paternity test. To my surprise, she agreed to it, and she convinced Roger to do it as well. She lied to him. Of course, she did. The results came in the very day they put me out of the apartment and took my cars away. We had a fight, and just as I was storming out, she told me about the results. Roger is my father. She exulted. She thought that I’d be crushed because I lost my leverage over her. She also believed that she had the upper hand. That having control over the family estate would put me within her grasp. She couldn’t believe that I’d rather be on the street than become the heir to their fortune. Knowing nothing about me, she wanted to prove me that I depended on them. I don’t know how she got my father on board with that crap, but she did. She probably convinced him that I needed to be disciplined or something… At any rate, the day you and I split, a box similar to hers was delivered to my father. Later that week, we spoke on the phone. He apologized to me, filed for divorce, and put me back into his will. I never talked with Elia again.”

  15

  SHADE

  By the time I finish talking, my chest feels tight, and her eyes glisten with tears.

  “I’m sorry,” she mutters, her voice broken.

  She wraps her arms around me as I pull her into my chest.

  She’s warm. I’m cold.

  I gently tip her chin up. Her face is washed with tears.

  “That’s not why I told you this story, Tara.”

  “I know. I know...” she says, running the back of her hand on her face, smearing her mascara and staining her cheeks.

  I smile.

  “Good thinking, babe...” I say, rolling my thumbs across her face. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” I mutter, taking her hand and walking her away from the terrace.

  We steer right and enter my bedroom.

  It’s a large, corner room with two walls of glass dressed in long curtains–– wooden floors sprawl beneath our feet, a fireplace carved next to my bed.

  I press a button on a small panel, and the glass walls slide open, the ocean breeze drifting in, the sound of crashing waves wafting through the air.

  She ambles across the room, slowly examining her surroundings, her eyes lingering on the bed.

  She swings her gaze to me.

  “Nothing happened here,” I say.

  “How do you know what I was thinking?”

  I smile.

  “I know you.”

  My gaze stalls on her for a moment.

  Her blue eyes flash a smorgasbord of emotions. Lifting my chin, I motion her to the door.

  “Let’s get you into the shower,” I say.

  She doesn’t flinch, a faint smile flitting through her eyes.

  “You’re bossier than I remember,” she says.

  “I’m more of everything,” I toss at her, my lips curving into a smile.

  Frozen, she examines my eyes.

  “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

  “What if I don’t like the new you?”

  “You walk away,” I say bluntly.

  The blood drains from her face.

  Holding her gaze, I sweeten my expression with a smile.

  “I think you’ll like it,” I say as I walk to her and leave a soft kiss on her cheek.

  “What is this Shade?” she asks hesitantly, her azure eyes looking like two shreds of sky washed with summer rain.

  I bring my hands to her face and run my fingers across her cheeks.

  “I’ve lost you, haven’t I?” I say softly.

  The color of her eyes shifts, her irises sparkling with tears again.

  I look down at her, slowly quirking my lips.

  “I’ll do my best to make you mine again,” I mutter.

  She cuffs my wrist, claiming my attention. I lift my gaze.

  “How do you know that I wasn’t yours all this time?” she asks.

  “I don’t know, but we’ll find out.”

  I look down at her again, slowly grazing my bottom lip with the edge of my teeth as I curl my hand around her neck and brush her hair all to one side. I sense her trembling beneath my touch.

  “Are you nervous?”

  Our eyes lock.

  “Mmm-mmm,” she murmurs, nodding and biting her lip, her eyes sparkling.

  For a moment, I don’t see the woman from the boardroom, and not even the woman I found on that terrace a while back. I see a woman who tries to find herself and also a way to meet me again.

  “Don’t be,” I say, cupping her face.

  She cuffs both my wrists his time as my free hand migrates to her neck.

  “I’ll be gentle. I promise. You just have to let me back again. Okay?”

  Her eyes soften, brushed with tears again.

  She nods, sparkling tears falling to her lips. I tilt my head and kiss them away.

  She smiles beneath my touch, her arms winding around my neck.

  “Is it better?” I ask as I hold her in my arms, her chest crushed against mine, her frame lined with mine, soft shudders going through her body.

  “Yes,” she says quietly.

  Slowly, I stroke her hair and wait for her to look at me.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, brushing off her tears, still looking down. “I didn’t think that this could happen to us again. I’m so sorry,” she says, her voice drowning in regret.

  I tilt her chin up and look into her eyes.

  Gently, I run my thumbs on her cheeks, cleaning her smudged mascara, sweeping away her tears.

  “Don’t be. Your tears tell me that you’re still mine,” I say, a soft smile tugging at my lips.

  A faint grin lights up her eyes and hope threads through her gaze as she takes me in.

  Her lips part slowly as I cuff her neck and lower my mouth. Her breath gets lost between my lips. Her grip tightens on my neck when I touch her mouth.

  Slowly, I part her lips with mine and give her the softest kiss. A gasp falls from her chest when I let her breathe again.

  Her eyes brighten, even more, her fingers sliding into my hair. She leans closer to me, looking for my lips.

  I tilt my head down and capture her mouth again. This time she lets me kiss her, even more. Slowly, I take her on an old path, only so much different. It’s something new that she hasn’t seen in me. It’s something that perhaps I hadn’t had in me before.

  Swiftly, she warms up in my arms. I feel her curious and aroused. I feel her pleasantly surprised.

  “Oh, Shade…” she mutters against my lips, and then I see the corners of her eyes slanting down as if she is about to cry again
.

  “Hey…” I call her softly as I take her face in my hands. “What is it, baby?”

  Her gaze tilts down as she fights back her emotions.

  I grip her chin and make her look up.

  “What is it?” I ask, smiling.

  “I wish you could’ve come earlier,” she mutters, her voice filled with regret.

  For a moment, I ponder over her words before I slowly shake my head, and brush her hair away from her face.

  “I think I came back at the right time… Not a day late.”

  Her eyes speak on her behalf.

  “Don’t feel bad for me…” I say, slowly brushing her lips with my thumb. “I knew the risks. I still think that I’m the luckiest man… I know for a fact that I am,” I say, humor lining my voice.

  She smiles, but her eyes swim in tears.

  “Life needed to teach us both a lesson. We needed to become different people perhaps, and I think we are well on our way to meet again… And we could be even better for each other this time around.”

  She bites her lip, her eyes reminding me of dewed forget-me-nots.

  “That’s my girl,” I say, a grin curving my lips as I snake my arm around her waist and press her into me. “I will make you forget about that man,” I say with a quiet voice, my confident smile making her grin to.

  “You shouldn’t be worried about him.”

  “I’m not. You are.”

  Her smile grows on her lips, filling my heart with hope. I give her another kiss, relishing the feel of her warm body against mine and the softness of her touch.

  “I missed this,” I say, my voice laden with emotion too. “I missed having you in my arms.”

  She pushes up to her toes, her fingers splaying on my cheeks as she presses her lips against mine, at the same time, fumbling with the zipper of her dress.

  “Let me do it,” I say.

  She can’t stop smiling.

  I loop my arms around her shoulders. Gripping the neckline of her dress with one hand, I run the back zipper down with the other.

  Purposely slowly.