Friends With Benefits

by Lisa Swift

  ‘Nah, it’s fine. Lexie’s been dead happy lately. I reckon she deserves that.’

  Theo smiled. ‘No arguments here.’

  ‘And you’re all right. I’d rather it was you than someone else.’ He pulled a face. ‘Especially not my dad.’

  ‘Thanks, kiddo.’ Theo slapped him on the shoulder. ‘You’re not so bad yourself, by the way.’

  ‘Uncle Theo, can I ask you something?’

  ‘That depends what it is,’ Theo said cautiously. ‘Is it about Lexie and me?’

  ‘No. I just wondered, um, if you’d take me and my mate Oli to CalderCon for my birthday. Lexie normally takes us but she’s not really into it.’ He flushed. ‘I thought you might like it though. There’s loads of sci-fi stuff, and people from films and that, and cool costumes. I always go as Boba Fett.’

  Theo nodded. ‘Good choice.’

  ‘I thought, um, maybe you could go as one of the Red Dwarf guys or something,’ he said, avoiding eye contact. ‘I mean, if you wanted to. You don’t have to.’

  ‘That sounds really good actually,’ Theo lied. ‘I’d love to go.’

  Connor beamed. ‘Sweet, I’ll tell Ol.’

  Theo stood up to go and enlighten Lexie about this latest development, but he stopped at the kitchen door. He couldn’t help thinking about Matt, the boyfriend of his mum’s he’d got so close to, and the hole in his life when Matt was no longer around.

  ‘Con, me and Lexie… you know it’s nothing serious, right?’ he said. ‘We’re really just good friends, that’s all, same as before. We’re not going to get married or anything.’

  ‘Sure, I know that,’ Connor said with a shrug, his eyes still fixed on his phone. ‘I’m not fussed what you do.’

  ‘Right. Just so we’re clear. I’d hate you to… well, never mind.’

  * * *

  ‘What, no coffee?’ Lexie muttered when Theo came back in. ‘Is the milk off?’

  ‘We’ve been rumbled, Lex.’ He took off her dressing gown and chucked it to her. ‘Here, get your clothes on. You need to talk to the kid.’

  She blinked, still half asleep. ‘What? Who’s rumbled? What’s a rumble?’

  ‘Connor knows.’

  ‘Shit!’ She sat up, fully awake now. ‘How does he know?’

  ‘He’s a perceptive little sod, it turns out.’ He bent down to pick up his boxers. ‘Apparently we’re not as sneaky as we think we are. Plus if he didn’t know before, then I think discovering me hiding in the pantry with my willy hanging out just now definitely put him onto us.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘Not much. Just exploited the situation to get me to agree to take him to CalderCon.’ He pulled on his pants and started struggling into his jeans. ‘Look, I’d better go. You ought to have a talk with him, explain… Christ, I don’t know. Explain something.’

  ‘But… explain how? What am I even explaining?’ Lexie said, feeling dazed. ‘That sometimes grown-ups get randy and have meaningless sex with their mates? What kind of example is that for him?’ She groaned. ‘Oh God. I’m—’

  ‘Oh, no. Don’t start again with that “I’m a terrible mother” business.’ He put on his T-shirt. ‘Connor’s nearly fifteen, Lex, I’m sure he can deal. Just be as honest as you can, explain it to him in teen-friendly terms, and… well, call me after and tell me how it went.’

  ‘Can’t you stay and explain it with me?’

  ‘Nope, sorry. You’re the parent.’

  ‘Coward.’

  ‘Absolutely.’ He kissed her on the forehead. ‘Good luck.’

  When he’d gone, Lexie got dressed and, with some trepidation, sought out Connor in the kitchen.

  ‘Yeah, I’m just doing it,’ he said when he heard her come in, not looking up from his phone.

  ‘What are you just doing?’

  ‘Putting my uniform on.’

  She smiled. ‘Your ability to lie like I can’t see you sitting there in your pyjamas never ceases to impress me.’ She took a seat opposite him. ‘So… I think we need to talk, don’t we?’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Well, you know. The thing.’ She frowned. ‘You do know about the thing, don’t you? I was told on good authority that you did.’

  ‘What, the you and Theo thing?’

  ‘Er, yeah.’

  He shrugged. ‘Yeah, I know. What do we have to talk about it for? I don’t want to think about your rancid old-people boning.’

  Lexie decided to ignore that comment. ‘Look, Connor. The thing is, when you’re single as an adult, you, um… well, it can get lonely sometimes. So even though there are times when you don’t really want to be dating – when you’re about to get divorced, for example – you still kind of feel that you’d like to be with someone. Not like a boyfriend, more like a… friend. A special friend that you… do special friend things with. Do you understand?’

  ‘I understand that you’re talking to me like I’m five and I just asked where babies come from.’

  She smiled. ‘All right, a friend that you sleep with, then. Do you know what I mean?’

  ‘Yeah, I know what you mean. I just don’t get how that’s different from a boyfriend.’

  ‘Well, the main difference is that a boyfriend is someone you’re exclusive with. Someone you have a future with. Whereas Theo and me, we’re really just good friends.’

  ‘If you like him, that doesn’t sound different to a boyfriend to me. You should just tell him you want to be exclusive.’

  ‘Your Uncle Theo’s… not an exclusive sort of man,’ Lexie said, feeling out of her depth.

  ‘He might be if you asked him.’

  ‘It isn’t only that, Connor. Sometimes people like each other – I mean, they really like each other, so that they’re best friends – but they know they’re always going to want different things in life. A different future.’

  ‘What sort of different things?’

  ‘Well, a family is something I… that I thought I might want one day,’ she said, flushing slightly. ‘I mean, a bigger family.’

  Connor finally put his phone down and looked at her. ‘You mean another kid?’

  ‘Yes. I always hoped me and your dad… well, that didn’t work out, but if I meet the right person then one day I hope it’ll happen. That isn’t something Theo would ever want, I know that, but it’s a dream I haven’t given up on.’

  ‘I didn’t know you wanted to have a baby.’

  ‘I suppose I felt awkward talking about it with you. I didn’t want you to feel that it meant I didn’t see you as mine, especially when you were younger. But now you’re nearly an adult, I think you’re mature enough to understand that at my age it’s a normal thing to want. How would you feel about it?’

  Connor was silent for a moment, frowning.

  ‘I think it’d be awesome,’ he said at last. ‘I always wanted a little brother or sister when I was a kid. It’d be even cooler now.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because then we could go as Mando and the Child to the next CalderCon.’

  Lexie laughed. ‘Sorry, Con, but I’m not procreating around your cosplay schedule.’

  He shrugged. ‘Well, it’d be awesome whenever. Seriously though, it’d be good if you hurried up. The new Mandalorian season’s going to be huge this year.’

  He glanced up to grin at her, and she smiled back, feeling a wave of relief. She hadn’t realised just how worried she’d been about Connor’s reaction to the idea of a potential new baby until this moment.

  ‘So do you understand?’ she asked. ‘Me and Theo… we like each other, very much, but we’re just friends. That’s all. One day when I’m divorced from your dad I definitely want to start dating again, and hopefully meet someone I feel I could spend my life with, but that isn’t what this is.’

  Connor shrugged. ‘Whatever. I’m not really fussed what you guys do.’ He picked up his phone to resume whatever he’d been doing, paused, then put it down again. ‘Lexie?’

  ‘Yes, sweeti
e?’

  ‘I know Dad was a real tool to you.’

  ‘Oh, that’s—’

  ‘Don’t say it’s not fair. It’s totally fair, and I’m too old now for you to have to keep pretending he wasn’t a prick.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And I think… I think you deserved someone better. You were always dead nice and… and I know I’m a brat sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful that you brought me up when Dad didn’t give a crap about me. Otherwise I think I’d be a total mess now, after what happened to Mum.’ Connor’s features twitched as he spoke, as though the words he wanted to say were a struggle for him to formulate. ‘So you should do whatever you want, that’s what I think. You should do what makes you happiest. I want you to be happy more than… more than anything. I know I never say it, but…’ He paused, his cheeks crimson. ‘Well, I love you and all that.’

  ‘Awww.’ Lexie stood up to go and give him a hug. ‘I love you too, sweetheart. Thank you.’

  ‘All right, get off me now,’ he mumbled, wiggling out of the embrace. ‘It’s fine, all right? You and Theo need to stop worrying about me. As long as you’re happy, I don’t care what you do.’

  ‘Well, I think you’ve earned yourself bacon butties for breakfast for that.’ She planted a kiss on his curls before going to turn on the hob. ‘And Connor: you know you can’t say anything to your dad about this, don’t you?’

  ‘Well yeah, obviously,’ Connor said, rolling his eyes. ‘I won’t say anything. Promise.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  ‘All right, Theophilos?’ Lexie said when Theo answered his phone to her one Friday lunchtime some weeks later.

  ‘I’m refusing to answer to that name even if this is a booty call.’

  Lexie swallowed the last mouthful of her Caesar salad. ‘Are you free this afternoon?’

  ‘I was planning on going to the gym, but I could be up for a bit of afternoon delight instead,’ Theo said. ‘I’ll get a better workout with you anyway.’

  She smiled. ‘I was actually going to request your services in a friends-without-the-benefits capacity. Connor’s birthday’s only a month away so I was planning to go out present-hunting. I could use an undercover geek to give me some advice.’

  ‘Yeah, all right. I’ll pick you up in an hour and we’ll drive into town.’

  ‘And then I’m sure there’ll be time before he’s home from school for me to show you my appreciation for the favour.’

  ‘Oh? Well in that case, I’ll pick you up in fifteen minutes. See you in a bit, Lex.’

  * * *

  ‘So,’ Theo said when they were wandering through Halifax together. ‘Which den of geekery shall we start in? Games Workshop? Forbidden Planet? Or we could try our luck in Bilbo’s Hobbit Hole.’

  Lexie snorted. ‘I’m sorry, in what?’

  ‘Bilbo’s Hobbit Hole. It’s an independent comic book shop.’

  ‘That sounds so dirty, Theo.’

  ‘Probably deserves a band name klaxon, right?’

  ‘No, sorry, you can’t have a klaxon for that. You only quoted it, you didn’t make it up.’

  ‘I swear you change the rules every week,’ he said. ‘So, where to?’

  ‘Let’s start in Bilbo’s Glory Hole, see what they’ve got in the way of merch. I want to get Con some T-shirts from his dad.’

  Theo frowned. ‘What, you’re shopping for Daryl’s presents as well?’

  ‘Yeah, he transferred over some cash and told me to get whatever I thought Connor would like and stick his name on it.’

  ‘Huh. Classic Daryl parenting.’

  ‘I know. Anyway, some new weekend clothes are a must. The T-shirts I bought him three months ago already look like crop tops on him. Seriously, I really hope he’s done growing now before he wears me out of house and home.’

  She tucked her arm through Theo’s and they walked around the corner to the comic book shop.

  ‘Here, let me get that for you.’ Theo darted ahead to open the door.

  She laughed. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Are you suddenly from the past?’

  ‘Whoops,’ he said, grimacing. ‘Forgot I was only out with you. Women tend to like it when I do the chivalry thing on dates. Force of habit.’

  ‘Force of hobbit.’

  ‘God, please no more with the hobbit gags,’ he said, rolling his eyes. ‘Here, is this better?’ He went inside and pointedly closed the door in her face.

  ‘Much,’ she said when she opened it. She looked around the dimly lit room. ‘So, where do we start?’

  Theo wandered over to an illuminated glass cabinet and gazed in at the contents.

  ‘Look, Lex,’ he said in a low voice. ‘Vintage collectibles. Here, check out the Pokémon figures. I had a bucketload of these when I was a kid.’ He glanced at the price tags and whistled. ‘Bloody hell. Wish I’d hung on to Charizard if that’s the going rate for him.’

  ‘Can we go find the clothes?’ Lexie said.

  Theo’s gaze had drifted to a model of Starbug from Red Dwarf on the shelf above, still in its original box.

  ‘I’m going to get Con that,’ he announced.

  She shook her head. ‘No, Theo, it’s too extravagant for a non-parent present. Get him a comic or something.’

  ‘No, I want to get him that. It’s still in the box, Lex. Do you know how exciting that is to kids like Connor? Anyway, Red Dwarf’s our thing now.’

  She couldn’t talk him out of it, and when they made their way upstairs to where the branded clothing lived, Theo was proudly carrying a paper bag containing his purchase.

  ‘I don’t suppose they sell costumes in here, do they?’ he said, glancing around. ‘When Connor looked at me with those big Bambi eyes, I just didn’t have the heart to tell him I wouldn’t dress up for CalderCon. Mind you, the fact he’d just found me hiding half-naked in the pantry with a tin of beans wedged up my arse might’ve had something to do with it as well.’

  ‘No. You’ll have to hit up eBay.’ Lexie grinned. ‘Can’t wait to see what you find. You two are going to look so adorable together.’

  ‘It’s not too late to get yourself a Seven of Nine latex catsuit if you fancy joining us. I can buy you a ticket and some invisible underwear.’

  ‘I’ll be washing my hair, sorry.’

  Theo pulled a T-shirt from one of the racks, bearing in a Star Wars font the legend: A Jedi in the streets, a Sith between the sheets. ‘Ha! Get Con this, I double-dare you.’

  ‘I don’t think so, do you? Get it for yourself, sex maniac.’

  In the end they bought a couple of Marvel-branded T-shirts and a Flash hoodie as Daryl’s gifts and left to see what they could find in Games Workshop.

  ‘Thanks for coming shopping with me, Teddy,’ Lexie said, tucking her arm through his. ‘You know, it’s fun to do something other than… well, it.’

  ‘We are still having a bit of “it” later though, right?’

  ‘You bet we are.’

  A woman in a smart skirt suit that looked far too glam for a Halifax shopping trip was walking towards them. She seemed to recognise Lexie, her eyebrows raising in surprise – at least, as far as they could through the Botox – before she lifted her hand to wave.

  Lexie groaned as she waved back. ‘Oh God,’ she muttered to Theo. ‘Just my sodding luck we’d bump into her.’

  ‘Who is it?’

  ‘Allegra Schofield, this girl I went to school with. You remember I told you there was a gang who bullied me?’

  Theo frowned. ‘Oh. She’s one of them, is she?’

  ‘Yeah, the main one. She was the ringleader of this group of well-off, popular girls – you know the sort. Bunch of spoilt, entitled brats who thought they were better than the rest of us. We’re all grown up and civilised now, Facebook friends and everything, but she’s still the most insufferably smug cow. One of those who stages elaborate Instagram pictures of her Stepford-perfect offspring and takes a daily photo of her sourdough starter. Some days I lose track of which is the starter and which is one
of her pasty-faced kids.’ She fixed her face into a smile as the woman approached them. ‘Allegra, hi.’

  ‘Jan, darling!’ Allegra leaned forward to air-kiss her on each cheek then fixed on an expression of faux sympathy. ‘And how are you, you poor love? Is Daryl still away?’

  ‘He certainly is, thank Christ,’ Lexie said brightly. ‘How are Jake and Araminta?’

  ‘Oh, they’re little dears, although I do find I want to murder them on a daily basis,’ Allegra said, trilling a laugh. ‘Minty was just accepted for a place at St Augusta’s – you know, the independent primary school? Her father and I are ecstatic. It’s ever so competitive there.’

  ‘I’m glad to hear it. And how’s the sourdough starter?’

  ‘Er, coming along, thank you,’ Allegra said, looking slightly bemused. Theo willed back a smile.

  Allegra did that awful face thing again, half sympathy and half sneer. ‘Such a shame you and Daryl never had a little one to comfort you now you’re all alone. If I didn’t have Jake and Minty, I know my life would just feel empty.’

  ‘Well, there are other things I like to think give my life meaning,’ Lexie said. ‘Besides, I’ve got Connor.’

  ‘Yes, but it isn’t the same when they’re not your own, is it? Still, I suppose you have work to keep you from brooding on your failed marriage.’

  Theo noted how she emphasised the word ‘failed’, as if Lexie was wholly responsible for Daryl walking out on her.

  ‘What is it you do now?’ Allegra asked. ‘Waitressing?’

  ‘Well, yes, in my own restaurant,’ Lexie said.

  ‘Ah, of course. That bizarre little war place, I’ve seen it in your photos.’ She looked at Theo with obvious interest. ‘And who might this be?’

  Allegra was simpering now she’d turned to him, her chest thrust out ever so slightly as she inclined towards him. Theo, a seasoned expert in interpreting those sorts of signals from women, tried to hide his irritation as he smiled his most charming smile for her.

  ‘Oh, this is Theo,’ Lexie said. ‘He’s just—’

  ‘I’m her boyfriend,’ Theo said, holding out a hand for Allegra to shake. ‘Nice to meet you, Allegra. Any friend of Lexie’s is a friend of mine.’