Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War

by Finley Peter Dunne

  "Does Fitz believe in di-plomacy? Not him. He sets there in his officein Havana, smokin' a good see-gar, an' a boy comes in an' tells himthey've jugged an American citizen. He jams his hat down on his eyes,an' r-rushes over to where Gin'ral Blanco has his office. 'Look here,'says he, 'ye pizenous riptile,' he says, 'if ye don't lave mecounthryman out iv th' bull-pen in fifteen minyits be th' watch,' hesays, 'I'll take ye be th' hair iv th' head an' pull ye fr'm th' corneriv Halsted Sthreet to th' r-red bridge,' he says. 'Lave us debate this,'says Blanco. 'I'll debate nawthin', says Fitz. 'Hurry up, or I'll giveye a slap,' he says. 'R-run over an' wake up th' loot at th' station,an' let thim Americans out, or,' he says, 'we'll go to the flure,' hesays.

  "That's Fitz. He's ca'm, an' he waits part iv th' time. That's whin he'sasleep. But, as soon as his eyes opins, his face begins to flare up likewan iv thim r-round stoves in a woodman's shanty whin rosiny wood isthrun in. An' fr'm that time on till he's r-ready to tur-rn in an' sleeppeaceful an' quite,--not like a lamb full iv vigetable food, but like aline that's wur-rked ha-ard an' et meat,--he niver stops rampin' an'ragin'. Ye don't hear iv Fitz lookin' worn with th' sthruggle. Ye don'tr-read iv him missin' anny meals. No one fears that Fitz will break downundher th' suspinse. That ain't in th' breed. He's another kind iv aman. He hasn't got th' time to be tired an' worrid. He needs food, an'he has it; an' he needs sleep, an' he takes it; an' he needs fightin',an' he gets it. That's Fitz. They ain't such a lot iv diff'rence betweenth' bravest man in the wurruld an' th' cow'rdliest. Not such a lot. Itain't a question iv morality, Hinnissy. I've knowed men that wint tochurch ivry Sundah an' holyday reg'lar, an' give to th' poor an' lovedtheir neighbors, an' they wudden't defind their wives against amurdherer. An' I've knowed th' worst villyuns on earth that'd die intheir thracks to save a stranger's child fr'm injury. 'Tis a question ivhow th' blood is pumped. Whin a man shows th' sthrain, whin he gets thinan' pale an' worrid in th' time f'r fightin', he's mighty near a cow'rd.But, whin his face flames an' his neck swells an' his eyes look like acouple iv ilicthric lamps again a cyclone sky, he'd lead a forlorn hopeacrost th' battlemints iv hell."

  ON MULES AND OTHERS

  "I see," said Mr. Dooley, "th' first gr-reat land battle iv th' war hasbeen fought."

  "Where was that?" demanded Mr. Hennessy, in great excitement. "Lord saveus, but where was that?"

  "Th' Alger gyards," said Mr. Dooley, "bruk fr'm th' corral where theyhad thim tied up, atin' thistles, an' med a desp'rate charge on th' campat Tampa. They dayscinded like a whur-rl-wind, dhrivin' th' astonishedthroops before thim, an' thin charged back again, completin' theirearned iv desthruction. At th' las' account th' brave sojers wasclimbin' threes an' tillygraft poles, an' a rig'mint iv mules waskickin' th' pink silk linin' out iv th' officers' quarthers. Th' gallantmules was led be a most courageous jackass, an' 'tis undhersthud that mefrind Mack will appint him a brigadier-gin-ral jus' as soon as he canfind out who his father is. 'Tis too bad he'll have no childher toperpituate th' fame iv him. He wint through th' camp at th' head iv histhroops iv mules without castin' a shoe. He's th' biggest jackass inTampa to-day, not exciptin' th' cinsor; an' I doubt if they'se a biggerwan in Wash'n'ton, though I cud name a few that cud thry a race withhim. Annyhow, they'll know how to reward him. They know a jackass whinthey see wan, an' they see a good manny in that peaceful city.

  "Th' charge iv Tampa'll go into histhry as th' first land action iv th'war. An', be th' way, Hinnissy, if this here sociable is f'r to go on atth' prisint rate, I'm sthrong to ar-rm th' wild ar-rmy mules an' theunbridled jackasses iv th' pe-rary an' give thim a chanst to set Cubafree. Up to this time th' on'y hero kilt on th' Spanish side was ajackass that poked an ear above th' batthries at Matoonzas f'r to hearwhat was goin' on. 'Behold,' says Sampson, 'th' insolince iv th' foe,'he says. 'For-rm in line iv battle, an' hur-rl death an' desthruction atyon Castilyan gin'ral.' 'Wait,' says an officer. 'It may be wan iv ourown men. It looks like th' Sicrety iv'--'Hush!' says th' commander. 'Itcan't be an American jackass, or he'd speak,' he says. 'Fire on him.'Shot afther shot fell round th' inthrepid ass; but he remained firm tillth' dinnymite boat Vesoovyus fired three hundherd an' forty thousandpounds iv gum cotton at him, an' the poor crather was smothered todeath. Now, says I, give these Tampa mules a chanst, an' we'll have noneed iv wastin' ammun-ni-tion. Properly led, they'd go fr'm wan end ivCuba to th' other, kickin' th' excelsior out iv ivry stuffed Spanishgin'ral fr'm Bahoohoo Hoondoo to Sandago de Cuba. They'd be no loss ivlife. Th' sojers who haven't gone away cud come home an' get cured ivth' measles an' th' whoopin'-cough an' th' cholera infantum befure th'public schools opens in th' fall, an' ivrything wud be peaceful an'quiet an' prosp'rous. Th' officers in th' field at prisint is wellqualified f'r command iv th' new ar-rmy; an', if they'd put blinders onth' mules, they wudden't be scared back be wan iv thim Spanish fleetsthat a jackass sees whin he's been up all night, secretly stuffinghimsilf with silo. They'd give wan hew-haw, an' follow their leadersthrough th' hear-rt iv th' inimy's counthry. But give thim th' wurrud togit ap, an' they'd ate their thistles undher th' guns iv some ol' MorroCastle befure night.

  "Ye don't see th' diff'rence, says ye. They ain't anny i' th' leaders.As efficient a lot iv mules as iver exposed their ears. Th' throuble iswith th' rank an' file. They're men. What's needed to carry on this waras it goes to-day is an ar-rmy iv jacks an' mules. Whin ye say to a man,'Git ap, whoa, gee, back up, get alang!' he don't know what ye'erdhrivin' at or to. But a mule hears th' ordhers with a melancholy smile,dhroops his ears, an' follows his war-rm, moist breath. Th' ordhers fr'mWashin'ton is perfectly comprehinsible to a jackass, but they don't maneannything to a poor, foolish man. No human bein', Hinnissy, canundherstand what the divvie use it was to sink a ship that cost twohundherd thousan' dollars an' was worth at laste eighty dollars inSandago Harbor, if we have to keep fourteen ships outside to previntfive Spanish ships fr'm sailin'. Th' poor, tired human mind don'ttumble, Hinnissy, to th' raison f'r landin' four hundherd marines atGuanotommy to clear th' forests, whin Havana is livin' free on hottamales an' ice-cream. Th' mind iv a Demostheens or a Tim Hogan would becrippled thryin' to figure out why throops ar-re sint out fr'm Tampa an'thin ordhered back through a speakin' chube, while wan iv th' newbriga-deer-gin'rals has his hands manicured an' says good-by to hisnurse. But it ought to be as plain to th' mule that hears it as it is toth' jackasses that gets it up. What we need, Hinnissy, is a perfectundherstandin' between th' ar-rmy an' th' administhration. We need whatHogan calls th' esphrite th' corpse, an' we'll on'y have it whin th'mules begins to move."

  "I shud think," said Mr. Hennessy, "now that th' jackasses has begun tobe onaisy"--

  "We ought to be afraid th' cabinet an' th' Boord iv Sthrateejy 'll bestampeded?" Mr. Dooley interrupted. "Niver fear. They're too near th'fodder."

  ON HIS COUSIN GEORGE.

  "Well," said Mr. Hennessy, in tones of chastened joy: "Dewey didn't do athing to thim. I hope th' poor la-ad ain't cooped up there inMinneapolis."

  "Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "Cousin George is all r-right."

  "Cousin George?" Mr. Hennessy exclaimed.

  "Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "Dewey or Dooley, 'tis all th' same. We dhrop aletter here an' there, except th' haitches,--we niver dhrop thim,--butwe're th' same breed iv fightin' men. Georgy has th' thraits iv th'fam'ly. Me uncle Mike, that was a handy man, was tol' wanst he'd be sintto hell f'r his manny sins, an' he desarved it; f'r, lavin' out th' wansin iv runnin' away fr'm annywan, he was booked f'r ivrything frommurdher to missin' mass. 'Well,' he says, 'anny place I can get into,'he says, 'I can get out iv,' he says. 'Ye bet on that,' he says.

  "So it is with Cousin George. He knew th' way in, an' it's th' same wayout. He didn't go in be th' fam'ly inthrance, sneakin' along with th'can undher his coat. He left Ding Dong, or whativer 'tis ye call it, an'says he, 'Thank Gawd,' he says, 'I'm where no man can give me his ideesiv how to r-run a quiltin' party, an' call it war,' he says. An' so hesint a man down in a divin' shute, an' cut th' cables, so's Mackcudden't ch
at with him. Thin he prances up to th' Spanish forts, an'hands thim a few oranges. Tosses thim out like a man throwin' handbillsf'r a circus. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' raymimber th' Maine,' he says.An' he goes into th' harbor, where Admiral What-th'-'ell is, an', sayshe, 'Surrinder,' he says. 'Niver,' says th' Dago. 'Well,' says CousinGeorge, 'I'll just have to push ye ar-round,' he says. An' he tosses afew slugs at th' Spanyards. Th' Spanish admiral shoots at him with a bowan' arrow, an' goes over an' writes a cable. 'This mornin' we wasattackted,' he says. 'An' he says, 'we fought the inimy with greatcourage,' he says. 'Our victhry is complete,' he says. 'We have lostivrything we had,' he says. 'Th' threachrous foe,' he says, 'aftherdestroyin' us, sought refuge behind a mud-scow,' he says; 'but nawthin'daunted us. What boats we cudden't r-run ashore we surrindered,' hesays. 'I cannot write no more,' he says, 'as me coat-tails are afire,'he says; 'an' I am bravely but rapidly leapin' fr'm wan vessel toanother, followed be me valiant crew with a fire-engine,' he says. 'If Ican save me coat-tails,' he says, 'they'll be no kick comin', he says.'Long live Spain, long live mesilf.'

  "Well, sir, in twinty-eight minyits be th' clock Dewey he had all th'Spanish boats sunk, an' that there harbor lookin' like a Spanish stew.Thin he r-run down th' bay, an' handed a few war-rm wans into th' town.He set it on fire, an' thin wint ashore to war-rm his poor hands an'feet. It chills th' blood not to have annything to do f'r an hour ormore."

  "Thin why don't he write something?" Mr. Hennessy demanded.

  "Write?" echoed Mr. Dooley. "Write? Why shud he write? D'ye think CousinGeorge ain't got nawthin' to do but to set down with a fountain pen, an'write: 'Dear Mack,--At 8 o'clock I begun a peaceful blockade iv thistown. Ye can see th' pieces ivrywhere. I hope ye're injyin' th' samegr-reat blessin'. So no more at prisint. Fr'm ye'ers thruly, GeorgeDooley.' He ain't that kind. 'Tis a nice day, an' he's there smokin' agood tin-cint see-gar, an' throwin' dice f'r th' dhrinks. He don't carewhether we know what he's done or not. I'll bet ye, whin we come to findout about him, we'll hear he's ilicted himself king iv th' F'lip-ineIslands. Dooley th' Wanst. He'll be settin' up there undher a pa'm-threewith naygurs fannin' him an' a dhrop iv licker in th' hollow iv hisar-rm, an' hootchy-kootchy girls dancin' befure him, an' ivry tin ortwinty minyits some wan bringin' a prisoner in. 'Who's this?' says KingDooley. 'A Spanish gin'ral,' says th' copper. 'Give him a typewriteran' set him to wurruk,' says th' king. 'On with th' dance,' he says. An'afther awhile, whin he gits tired iv th' game, he'll write home an' sayhe's got the islands; an' he'll tur-rn thim over to th' gover'mint an'go back to his ship, an' Mark Hanna'll organize th' F'lip-ine IslandsJute an' Cider Comp'ny, an' th' rivolutchinists'll wish they hadn't.That's what'll happen. Mark me wurrud."

  ON SOME ARMY APPOINTMENTS.

  "Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I didn't vote f'r Mack, but I'm with himnow. I had me doubts whether he was th' gr-reatest military janius ivth' cinchry, but they'se no question about it. We go into this war, ifwe iver do go into it, with th' most fash'n-able ar-rmy that ivercreased its pants. 'Twill be a daily hint fr'm Paris to th' crool foe.

  "Other gin'rals iv th' r-rough-house kind, like Napoleon Bonypart, th'impror iv th' Frinch, Gin'ral Ulis S. Grant, an' Cousin George Dooley,hired coarse, rude men that wudden't know th' diff'rence between golufan' crokay, an' had their pants tucked in their boots an' chewed tobaccobe th' pound. Thank Hivin, McKinley knows betther thin to sind th' likesiv thim abroad to shock our frinds be dumpin' their coffee intothimsilves fr'm a saucer.

  "Th' dure bell rings, an' a futman in liv'ry says: 'I'm Master WillieDooselbery's man, an' he's come to be examined f'r th' army,' says he.'Admit him,' says McKinley; an' Master Willie enters, accompanied be hisval-lay, his mah an' pah an' th' comity iv th' goluf club. 'Willie,'says th' Prisident, 'ye ar-re enthrin' upon a gloryous car-eer, an' 'tisnic'ssry that ye shud be thurly examined, so that ye can teach th'glories iv civilization to th' tyr-ranies iv Europe that is supported beye'er pah an' mah,' he says. ''Twud be a tur-r'ble thing,' he says, 'ifsome day they shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in Mahdrid, an' have him sayto thim, "I seen ye'er son Willie durin' th' war wearin' a stovepipe hatan' tan shoes." Let us begin th' examination,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a goodgoluf player?' 'I am,' says Willie. 'Thin I appint ye a liftnant. Whatwe need in th' ar-rmy is good goluf players,' he says. 'In our formerwar,' he says, 'we had th' misfortune to have men in command that didn'tknow th' diff'rence between a goluf stick an' a beecycle; an' what wasth' raysult? We foozled our approach at Bull R-run,' he says. 'Ar-re yea mimber iv anny clubs?' he says. 'Four,' says Willie. 'Thin I make ye amajor,' he says. 'Where d'ye get ye'er pants?' he says. 'Fr'm England,'says Willie. 'Gloryous,' says McKinley. 'I make ye a colonel,' he says.'Let me thry ye in tactics,' he says. 'Suppose ye was confronted be aSpanish ar-rmy in th' afthernoon, how wud ye dhress?' he says. 'I'd weara stovepipe hat, a long coat, a white vest, an' lavender pants,' saysWillie. 'An' if th' attack was be night?' he says. 'I'd put on me dhressshoot, an' go out to meet thim,' says Willie. 'A thuro sojer,' saysMcKinley. 'Suppose th' sociable lasted all night?' he says. 'I'd soundth' rethreat at daybreak, an' have me brave boys change back,' he says,'to suitable appar'l,' he says. 'Masterly,' says McKinley. 'I will sindye'er name in as a brigadier-gin'ral,' he says. 'Thank Gawd, th'r-rich,' he says, 'is brave an' pathriotic,' he says. 'Ye will jine th'other boys fr'm th' club at Tampa,' he says. 'Ye shud be careful ivye'er equipment,' he says. 'I have almost ivrything r-ready,' saysWillie. 'Me man attinded to thim details,' he says. 'But I fear I can'tgo to th' fr-ront immejetly,' he says. 'Me pink silk pijammas hasn'tarrived,' he says. 'Well,' says Mack,' 'wait f'r thim,' he says. 'I'manxious f'r to ind this hor'ble war,' he says, 'which has cost me mannya sleepy night,' he says; 'but 'twud be a crime f'r to sind a sojeronprepared to battle,' he says. 'Wait f'r th' pijammas,' he says. 'Thinon to war,' he says; 'an' let ye'er watchword be, "Raymimber ye'ermanners,"' he says.

  "'They'se a man out here,' says th' privit sicrity, 'that wants to seeye,' he says. 'He's a r-rough-lookin' charackter that was in th' Soowar,' he says. 'His name is Gin'ral Fiteum,' he says. 'Throw th' stiffout,' says Mack. 'I seen him in Pinnsylvania Avnoo yisterdah, r-ridin'in a sthreet ca-ar,' he says. 'Ah, Willie, me boy,' he says, ''tislittle ye know what throuble I have fr'm these vulgar sojers with pantsthat bags at th' knees. Give me a goold-tipped cigareet, an' tell mewhether shirt waists is much worn in New York this year.'

  "Yis, Hinnissy, we'll put th' tastiest ar-rmy in th' field that ivercome out iv a millinery shop. 'Right dhress!' will be an ordher that'llmean somethin'. Th' ar-rmy'll be followed be specyal correspondints fr'mButthrick's Pattherns an' Harper's Bazar; an', if our brave boys don'tgore an' pleat th' inimy, 'twill be because th' inimy'll be r-rudeenough to shoot in anny kind iv clothes they find on th' chair whin theywake up."

  ON STRATEGY.

  "A sthrateejan," said Mr. Dooley, in response to Mr. Hennessy's requestfor information, "is a champeen checker-player. Whin th' war broke out,me frind Mack wint to me frind Hanna, an' says he, 'What,' he says,'what can we do to cr-rush th' haughty power iv Spain,' he says, 'a'nbr-ring this hateful war to a early conclusion?" he says. 'Mobilize th'checker-players,' says Hanna. An' fr'm all cor-rners iv th' counthrythey've gone to Washin'ton, where they're called th' Sthrateejy Board.

  "Day an' night they set in a room with a checker-board on th' end iv aflour bar'l, an' study problems iv th' navy. At night Mack dhrops in.'Well, boys,' says he, 'how goes th' battle?' he says. 'Gloryous,' saysth' Sthrateejy Board. 'Two more moves, an' we'll be in th' king row.''Ah,' says Mack, 'this is too good to be thrue,' he says. 'In but a fewbrief minyits th' dhrinks'll be on Spain,' he says. 'Have ye anny plansf'r Sampson's fleet?' he says. 'Where is it?' says th' SthrateejyBoard. 'I dinnaw,' says Mack. 'Good,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.'Where's th' Spanish fleet?' says they. 'Bombardin' Boston, at Cadiz, inSan June de Matzoon, sighted near th' gas-house be our specialcorrespondint, copyright, 1898, be Mike O'Toole.' 'A sthrong position,'says th' Sthrateejy Board. 'Undoubtedly, th' fleet is headed south toattack and sei
ze Armour's glue facthory. Ordher Sampson to sail north asfast as he can, an' lay in a supply iv ice. Th' summer's comin' on.Insthruct Schley to put on all steam, an' thin put it off again, an'call us up be telephone. R-rush eighty-three millyon throops an' fourmules to Tampa, to Mobile, to Chickenmaha, to Coney Island, to Ireland,to th' divvle, an' r-rush thim back again. Don't r-rush thim. OrdherSampson to pick up th' cable at Lincoln Par-rk, an' run into th' bar-rn.Is th' balloon corpse r-ready? It is? Thin don't sind it up. Sind it up.Have th' Mulligan Gyards co-op'rate with Gomez, an' tell him to cutaway his whiskers. They've got tangled in th' riggin'. We needyellow-fever throops. Have ye anny yellow fever in th' house? Give it totwinty thousand three hundherd men, an' sind thim afther Gov'nor Tanner.Teddy Rosenfelt's r-rough r-riders ar-re downstairs, havin' theiruniforms pressed. Ordher thim to th' goluf links at wanst. They must beno indecision. Where's Richard Harding Davis? On th' bridge iv the NewYork? Tur-rn th' bridge. Seize Gin'ral Miles' uniform. We muststrengthen th' gold resarve. Where's th' Gussie? Runnin' off to Cubawith wan hundherd men an' ar-rms, iv coorse. Oh, war is a dhreadfulthing. It's ye'er move, Claude,' says th' Sthrateejy Board.