Mr. Dooley in Peace and in War

by Finley Peter Dunne

  "An' so it goes on; an' day by day we r-read th' tur-rble story iv ourbrave sthrateejans sacrificin' their time on th' altar iv theircounthry, as Hogan says. Little we thought, whin we wint into this war,iv th' horrors it wud bring. Little we thought iv th' mothers at homeweepin' f'r their brave boys down at Washin'ton hur-rtin their pooreyes over a checker-board. Little we thought iv these devoted men, asHogan says, with achin' heads, plannin' to sind three hundherd thousandmillyon men an' a carload iv beans to their fate at Tampa, Fla. But somewan must be sacrificed, as Hogan says. An' these poor fellows inWashin'ton with their r-red eyes an' their tired backs will be anexample to future ginerations, as Hogan says, iv how an American sojercan face his jooty whin he has to, an' how he can't whin he hasn't to."

  "Dewey ain't a sthrateejan?" inquired Mr. Hennessy.

  "No," said Mr. Dooley. "Cousin George is a good man, an' I'm very fondiv him,--more be raison iv his doin' that May-o bosthoon Pat Mountjoy,but he has low tastes. We niver cud make a sthrateejan iv him. They'se akind iv a vulgar fightin' sthrain in him that makes him want to go outan' slug some wan wanst a month. I'm glad he ain't in Washin'ton. Th'chances ar-re he'd go to th' Sthrateejy Board and pull its hair."

  ON GENERAL MILES'S MOONLIGHT EXCURSION.

  "Dear, oh, dear," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd give five dollars--an' I'd killa man f'r three--if I was out iv this Sixth Wa-ard to-night, an' downwith Gin'ral Miles' gran' picnic an' moonlight excursion in PortherRicky. 'Tis no comfort in bein' a cow'rd whin ye think iv thim br-ravela-ads facin' death be suffication in bokays an' dyin' iv waltzin' withth' pretty girls iv Porther Ricky.

  "I dinnaw whether Gin'ral Miles picked out th' job or whether 'twaspicked out f'r him. But, annyhow, whin he got to Sandago de Cubia an'looked ar-round him, he says to his frind Gin'ral Shafter, 'Gin'ral,'says he, 'ye have done well so far,' he says. ''Tis not f'r me to taketh' lorls fr'm th' steamin' brow iv a thrue hero,' he says. 'I lave yehere,' he says, 'f'r to complete th' victhry ye have so nobly begun,' hesays. 'F'r you,' he says, 'th' wallop in th' eye fr'm th' newspaperrayporther, th' r-round robbing, an' th' sunsthroke,' he says, 'f'r meth' hardship iv th' battlefield, th' late dinner, th' theayter party,an' th' sickenin' polky,' he says. 'Gather,' he says, 'th' fruits ivye'er bravery,' he says. 'Return,' he says, 'to ye'er native land, an'receive anny gratichood th' Sicrety iv War can spare fr'm his ownfam'ly,' he says. 'F'r me,' he says, 'there is no way but f'r to tur-rnme back upon this festive scene,' he says, 'an' go where jooty callsme,' he says. 'Ordherly,' he says, 'put a bottle on th' ice, an' seethat me goold pants that I wear with th' pale blue vest with th' di'monbuttons is irned out,' he says. An' with a haggard face he walked aboordth' excursion steamer, an' wint away.

  "I'd hate to tell ye iv th'thriles iv th' expedition, Hinnissy. Whin th'picnic got as far as Punch, on th' southern coast iv Porther Ricky,Gin'ral Miles gazes out, an' says he, 'This looks like a good place tohang th' hammicks, an' have lunch,' says he. 'Forward, brave men,' sayshe, 'where ye see me di'mon's sparkle,' says he. 'Forward, an' plant th'crokay ar-rches iv our beloved counthry,' he says. An' in they wint,like inthrepid warryors that they ar-re. On th' beach they was met be adiligation fr'm th' town of Punch, con-sistin' iv th' mayor, th' commoncouncil, th' polis an' fire departments, th' Gr-rand Ar-rmy iv th'Raypublic, an' prominent citizens in carredges. Gin'ral Miles, makin' ahasty tielet, advanced onflinchingly to meet thim. 'Gintlemen,' says he,'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'We come,' says th' chairman iv th'comity, 'f'r to offer ye,' he says, 'th' r-run iv th' town,' he says.'We have held out,' he says, 'as long as we cud,' he says. 'But,' hesays, 'they'se a limit to human endurance,' he says. 'We can withstandye no longer,' he says. 'We surrinder. Take us prisoners, an' rayceiveus into ye'er gloryous an' well-fed raypublic,' he says. 'Br-rave men,'says Gin'ral Miles, 'I congratulate ye,' he says, 'on th' heeroism ivyer definse,' he says. 'Ye stuck manfully to yer colors, whativer theyar-re,' he says. 'I on'y wondher that ye waited f'r me to come befuresurrindhrin,' he says. 'I welcome ye into th' Union,' he says. 'I don'tknow how th' Union'll feel about it, but that's no business iv mine,' hesays. 'Ye will get ye'er wur-rkin-cards fr'm th' walkin' diligate,' hesays; 'an' ye'll be entitled,' he says, 'to pay ye'er share iv th' taxesan' to live awhile an' die whin ye get r-ready,' he says, 'jus' th' sameas if ye was bor-rn at home,' he says. 'I don't know th' names iv ye;but I'll call ye all Casey, f'r short,' he says. 'Put ye'er bokays inth' hammick,' he says, 'an' return to Punch,' he says; 'an' freezesomethin' f'r me,' he says, 'f'r me thrawt is parched with th' labors ivth' day,' he says. Th' r-rest iv th' avenin' was spint in dancin,'music, an' boat-r-ridin'; an' an inj'yable time was had.

  "Th' nex' day th' army moved on Punch; an' Gin'ral Miles marched intoth' ill-fated city, preceded be flower-girls sthrewin' r-roses an'geranyums befure him. In th' afthernoon they was a lawn tinnis party,an' at night the gin'ral attinded a banket at th' Gran' Palace Hotel.At midnight he was serenaded be th' Raymimber th' Maine Banjo an'Mandolin Club. Th' entire popylace attinded, with pork chops in theirbuttonholes to show their pathreetism. Th' nex' day, afther breakfastin'with Mayor Casey, he set out on his weary march over th' r-rough,flower-strewn paths f'r San Joon. He has been in gr-reat purl fr'm awitherin' fire iv bokays, an' he has met an' overpowered some iv th'mos' savage orators in Porther Ricky; but, whin I las' heerd iv him, hehad pitched his tents an' ice-cream freezers near the inimy's wall, an'was grajully silencin' thim with proclamations."

  "They'll kill him with kindness if he don't look out," said Mr.Hennessy.

  "I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley; "but I know this, that there'sth' makin' iv gr-reat statesmen in Porther Ricky. A proud people thatcan switch as quick as thim la-ads have nawthin' to larn in th' way ivwhat Hogan calls th' signs iv gover'mint, even fr'm th' Supreme Court."

  ON ADMIRAL DEWEY'S ACTIVITY.

  "If they don't catch up with him pretty soon," said Mr. Dooley, "he'llfight his way ar-round th' wurruld, an' come out through Barsaloona orCades."

  "Who's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Me Cousin George, no less," said Mr. Dooley. "I suppose ye think th'war is over an' peace has rayturned jus' because Tiddy Rosenfelt is backhome again an' th' sojers ar-re hungry in New York 'stead iv in Sandago.That's where ye'er wrong, Hinnissy. That's where ye'er wrong, me bucko.Th' war is not over till Cousin George stops fightin'. Th' Spanyardshave had enough, but among thrue fightin' men it don't make annydiff'rence what th' feelin's iv th' la-ad undherneath may be. 'Tis whinth' man on top has had his fill iv fightin' that th' throuble's over,an' be the look iv things Cousin George has jus' begun to take tay.

  "Whin me frind Mack con-cluded 'twas time f'r us to stop fightin' an'begin skinning each other in what Hogan calls th' marts iv thrade, yethought that ended it. So did Mack. He says, says he, 'Let us havepeace,' he says. An' Mark Hanna came out iv' th' cellar, where he's beensince Cousin George presinted his compliments to th' Ph'lippines an' wudthey prefer to be kilt or dhrownded, an' pro-posals was made to bond th'Cubian pathrites, an' all th' deuces in th' deck begun to look like facecar-rds again, whin suddently there comes a message fr'm Cousin George.'In pursooance iv ordhers that niver come,' he says, 'to-day th'squadhron undher my command knocked th' divvle out iv th' fortificationsiv th' Ph'lippines, bombarded the city, an' locked up th' insurgentgin'ral. The gov'nor got away be swimmin' aboord a Dutch ship, an' th'Dutchman took him to Ding Dong. I'll attind to th' Dutchman someafthernoon whin I have nawthin'else to do. I'm settin' in the palacewith me feet on th' pianny. Write soon. I won't get it. So no more atprisint, fr'm ye'er ol' frind an' well-wisher, George Dooley.'

  "How ar-re they goin' to stop him? How ar-re they goin' to stop him?There's Mack on th' shore bawlin' ordhers. 'Come back,' he says. 'Comeback, I command ye,' he says. 'George, come back,' he says. 'Th' war isover,' he says. 'We're at peace with th' wurruld,' he says. 'George,' hesays, 'George, be a good fellow,' he says. 'Lave up on thim,' he says.'Hivins an' earth, he's batin' that poor Spanyard with a pavin' block.George, George, ye break me hear-r
t,' he says.

  "But George Dooley, he gives th' wink to his frinds, an' says he,'What's that man yellin' on th' shore about?' he says. 'Louder,' hesays. 'I can't hear ye,' he says. 'Sing it,' he says. 'Write it to me ona postal ca-ard at Mahdrid,' he says. 'Don't stop me now,' he says.'This is me, busy day,' he says; an' away he goes with a piece iv leadpipe in wan hand an' a couplin' pin in th' other.

  "What'll we do with him? We can't catch up with him. He's goin' toofast. Mack's a week behind him ivry time he stops annywhere. He hassthrung a throlley acrost th' islands, an' he's climbin' mountains withhis fleet. Th' on'y thing I see, Hinnissy, that Mack can do is to goeast an' meet him comin' r-round. If he hurries, he'll sthrike himsomewhere in Rooshia or Boohlgahria, an' say to him: 'George, th' war'sover. Won't ye come home with me?' I think he'll listen to reason."

  "I think a man ought to stop fightin' whin th' war is ended," said Mr.Hennessy.

  "I dinnaw about that," said Mr. Dooley. "He started without askin' ourlave, an' I don't see what we've got to do with th' way he finishes.'Tis a tur-rble thing to be a man iv high sperrits, an' not to know whinth' other fellow's licked."

  ON THE PHILIPPINES.

  "I know what I'd do if I was Mack," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'd hist a flagover th' Ph'lippeens, an' I'd take in th' whole lot iv thim."

  "An' yet," said Mr. Dooley, "tis not more thin two months since yelarned whether they were islands or canned goods. Ye'er back yard is sosmall that ye'er cow can't turn r-round without buttin' th' woodshed offth' premises, an' ye wudden't go out to th' stock yards without takin'out a policy on yer life. Suppose ye was standin' at th' corner iv StateSthreet an' Archey R-road, wud ye know what car to take to get to th'Ph'lippeens? If yer son Packy was to ask ye where th' Ph'lippeens is,cud ye give him anny good idea whether they was in Rooshia or jus' westiv th' thracks?"

  "Mebbe I cudden't," said Mr. Hennessy, haughtily, "but I'm f'r takin'thim in, annyhow."

  "So might I be," said Mr. Dooley, "if I cud on'y get me mind on it. Waniv the worst things about this here war is th' way it's makin' puzzlesf'r our poor, tired heads. Whin I wint into it, I thought all I'd haveto do was to set up here behind th' bar with a good tin-cint see-gar inme teeth, an' toss dinnymite bombs into th' hated city iv Havana. Butlook at me now. Th' war is still goin' on; an' ivry night, whin I'mcountin' up the cash, I'm askin' mesilf will I annex Cubia or lave it tothe Cubians? Will I take Porther Ricky or put it by? An' what shud I dowith the Ph'lippeens? Oh, what shud I do with thim? I can't annex thimbecause I don't know where they ar-re. I can't let go iv thim becausesome wan else'll take thim if I do. They are eight thousan' iv thimislands, with a popylation iv wan hundherd millyon naked savages; an' mebedroom's crowded now with me an' th' bed. How can I take thim in, an'how on earth am I goin' to cover th' nakedness iv thim savages with mewan shoot iv clothes? An' yet 'twud break me heart to think iv givin'people I niver see or heerd tell iv back to other people I don't know.An', if I don't take thim, Schwartzmeister down th' sthreet, that hashalf me thrade already, will grab thim sure.

  "It ain't that I'm afraid iv not doin' th' r-right thing in th' end,Hinnissy. Some mornin' I'll wake up an' know jus' what to do, an' thatI'll do. But 'tis th' annoyance in th' mane time. I've been r-readin'about th' counthry. 'Tis over beyant ye'er left shoulder whin ye'refacin' east. Jus' throw ye'er thumb back, an' ye have it as ac'rate asanny man in town. 'Tis farther thin Boohlgahrya an' not so far asBlewchoochoo. It's near Chiny, an' it's not so near; an', if a man wasto bore a well through fr'm Goshen, Indianny, he might sthrike it, an'thin again he might not. It's a poverty-sthricken counthry, full ivgoold an' precious stones, where th' people can pick dinner off th'threes an' ar-re starvin' because they have no step-ladders. Th'inhabitants is mostly naygurs an' Chinnymen, peaceful, industhrus, an'law-abidin', but savage an' bloodthirsty in their methods. They wear noclothes except what they have on, an' each woman has five husbands an'each man has five wives. Th' r-rest goes into th' discard, th' same ashere. Th' islands has been ownded be Spain since befure th' fire; an'she's threated thim so well they're now up in ar-rms again her, except amajority iv thim which is thurly loyal. Th' natives seldom fight, butwhin they get mad at wan another they r-run-a-muck. Whin a manr-runs-a-muck, sometimes they hang him an' sometimes they discharge himan' hire a new motorman. Th' women ar-re beautiful, with languishin'black eyes, an' they smoke see-gars, but ar-re hurried an' incomplete intheir dhress. I see a pitcher iv wan th' other day with nawthin' on herbut a basket of cocoanuts an' a hoop-skirt. They're no prudes. We importjuke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar, an' fairy tales fr'm th' Ph'lippeens,an' export six-inch shells an' th' like. Iv late th' Ph'lippeens hasawaked to th' fact that they're behind th' times, an' has received muchAmerican amminition in their midst. They say th' Spanyards is all toreup about it.

  "I larned all this fr'm th' papers, an' I know 'tis sthraight. An' yet,Hinnissy, I dinnaw what to do about th' Ph'lippeens. An' I'm all alonein th' wurruld. Ivrybody else has made up his mind. Ye ask annycon-ducthor on Ar-rchy R-road, an' he'll tell ye. Ye can find out fr'mthe papers; an', if ye really want to know, all ye have to do is to aska prom'nent citizen who can mow all th' lawn he owns with a safetyrazor. But I don't know."

  "Hang on to thim," said Mr. Hennessy, stoutly. "What we've got we musthold."

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if I was Mack, I'd lave it to George. I'd say:'George,' I'd say, 'if ye're f'r hangin' on, hang on it is. If ye say,lave go, I dhrop thim.' 'Twas George won thim with th' shells, an' th'question's up to him."

  ON PRAYERS FOR VICTORY.

  "It looks to me," said Mr. Dooley, "as though me frind Mack'd got tirediv th' Sthrateejy Board, an' was goin' to lave th' war to th' men inblack."

  "How's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy, who has at best but a clouded view ofpublic affairs.

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "while th' sthrateejans have been wearin' outtheir jeans on cracker-boxes in Wash'n'ton, they'se been goin' on th'mos' deadly conflict iver heerd tell iv between th' pow'rful preachin'navies iv th' two counthries. Manila is nawthin' at all to th' scenes ivcarnage an' slaughter, as Hogan says, that's been brought about be thesedesthroyers. Th' Spanyards fired th' openin' gun whin th' bishop ivCades, a pow'rful turreted monitor (ol' style), attackted us with bothfor'ard guns, an' sint a storm iv brimstone an' hell into us. But th'victhry was not f'r long with th' hated Spanyard. He was answered beour whole fleet iv preachers. Thin he was jined be th' bishop ivBarsaloona an' th' bishop iv Mahdrid an' th' bishop iv Havana, allbattle-ships iv th' first class, followed be a fleet iv cruisersr-runnin' all th' way fr'm a full-ar-rmored vicar gin'ral to a protectedparish priest. To meet thim, we sint th' bishop iv New York, th' bishopiv Philadelphia, th' bishop iv Baltimore, an' th' bishop iv Chicago,accompanied be a flyin' squadhron iv Methodists, three Presbyteryanmonitors, a fleet iv Baptist submarine desthroyers, an' a formidablearray iv Universalist an' Unitaryan torpedo boats, with a Jew r-ram.Manetime th' bishop iv Manila had fired a solid prayer, weighin' a ton,at San Francisco; an' a masked batthry iv Congregationalists replied,inflictin' severe damage. Our Atlantic fleet is now sarchin' f'r th'inimy, an' the bishop iv New York is blockadin' th' bishop iv Sandago deCuba; an' they'se been an exchange iv prayers between th' bishop ivBaltimore an' th' bishop iv Havana without much damage.

  "Th' Lord knows how it'll come out. First wan side prays that th' wrathiv Hiven'll descind on th' other, an' thin th' other side returns th'compliment with inthrest. Th' Spanish bishop says we're a lot ivmurdherin', irreligious thieves, an' ought to be swept fr'm th' face ivth' earth. We say his people ar-re th' same, an' manny iv thim. Hewishes Hivin to sink our ships an' desthroy our men; an' we hope he'llinjye th' same gr-reat blessin'. We have a shade th' best iv him, f'rhis fleets ar-re all iv th' same class an' ol' style, an' we have someiv th' most modhern prayin' machines in the warruld; but he prayshar-rd, an' 'tis no aisy wurruk to silence him."

  "What d'ye think about it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I dinnaw jus' what to think iv it. Me o
wn ideeis that war is not a matther iv prayers so much as a matther ivpunchin'; an' th' on'y place a prayer book stops a bullet is in th'story books. 'Tis like what Father Kelly said. Three weeks ago las'Sundah he met Hogan; an' Hogan, wantin' to be smart, ast him if he'doffered up prayers f'r th' success iv th' cause. 'Faith, I did not,'says th' good man. 'I was in too much iv a hurry to get away.' 'What wasth' matther?' ast Hogan. 'I had me uniform to brush up an' me soord topolish,' says Father Kelly. 'I am goin' with th' rig'mint to-morrah,' hesays; an' he says, 'If ye hear iv me waitin' to pray,' he says, 'annytime they'se a call f'r me,' he says, 'to be in a fight,' he says, 'yemay conclude,' he says, 'that I've lost me mind, an' won't be back to meparish,' he says. 'Hogan,' he says, 'I'll go into th' battle with aprayer book in wan hand an' a soord in th' other,' he says; 'an' if th'wurruk calls f'r two hands, 'tis not th' soord I'll dhrop,' he says.'Don't ye believe in prayer?' says Hogan. 'I do,' says th' good man;'but,' he says, 'a healthy person ought,' he says, 'to be ashamed,' hesays, 'to ask f'r help in a fight,' he says."

  "That's th' way I look at it," said Mr. Hennessy. "When 'tis an aventhing in th' prayin', may th' best man win."

  "Ye're r-right, Hinnissy," said Mr. Dooley, warmly. "Ye're r-right. An'th' best man will win."

  ON THE ANGLO-SAXON.

  "Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I see be th' pa-apers that th' snow-whitepigeon iv peace have tied up th' dogs iv war. It's all over now. Allwe've got to do is to arrest th' pathrites an' make th' reconcenthradiospay th' stamp tax, an' be r-ready f'r to take a punch at Germany orFrance or Rooshia or anny counthry on th' face iv th' globe.