Jingle Me Balls

by Robyn Peterman

  I only threw up a little bit in my mouth. Rum would be excellent right now, but I’d given Wally my word. Mother Nature drove a hideous and smelly bargain. However, there was no choice.

  “Deal,” I choked out. “Stop the storm.”

  “With pleasure. See you next Thursday,” she replied as she hung up on me.

  And the storm stopped.

  But it was too late.

  The resort was in shambles.

  “Oh my gods,” Tallulah gasped out. “Petunia, Wally and Del are in there.”

  “Please let everyone be okay,” I mumbled as I shot like a ball out of a cannon toward the ruined resort. “Please.”

  9

  Let the Shiteshow Commence

  “We’re fine,” Wally insisted as I ran around trying to find something that would work as a bed for Petunia. “Del created a magic bubble around us as the resort blew away. It was quite impressive. Not a scratch on any of us.”

  “Del, you can have my scepter and my designer diaper collection,” I said, still trying to find a pillow and blanket.

  “Umm… thank you, Pappy, but no. I’m good,” Del said with a chuckle as he held a very grumpy Petunia in his arms.

  “I’ll take your scepter,” Petunia announced. “But just so you know, once I blow this baby out, I’m going to shove it up your ass.”

  “Fair enough,” I said, handing over the royal scepter. “I deserve no less. In fact, all of you can pick an item to shove up my arse. We can have an arse-shoving party after we open our gif…” I stopped and almost passed out in horror.

  There were no gifts. There was no decorated tree. No cookies. No self-cleaning crockpots or pretzel makers with cheese warmers. No weenie toasters. We had lost all the Johnson and knocker sweaters as well—not that anyone would wear them again since the boys’ sweaters were covered in blood. Not even one damned green booger was left either. I’d have to order a new case for Mother Enormous Feet.

  “Poseidon, don’t cry,” Tallulah said, patting me on the head gently. “It’s okay. It’s just stuff. The good thing is that everyone is fine. We got all the humans to safety and no one on the isle died. We’re all alive to be able to shove stuff up your arse.”

  “Yes, yes, yes,” I said. “That is outstanding. But where will Petunia give birth? Do you think there’s any room at an inn on a neighboring island?”

  “Nope,” Madison said with a shrug. “No room at any inn right now. It’s Christmas. Everything is full.”

  “What will we do? Should I pop over to another island and go from inn to inn looking for a vacancy?” I demanded as I swatted at a goat who was trying to eat my diaper. “Why are there puppies, kitties, goats and deer here?”

  “My zoo,” Rick said, checking his animals over carefully. “Looks like everyone made it.”

  Bonar and Upton approached the group and raised their hands politely.

  “Yes?” Tallulah asked with a tired smile. “Do you have something to say?”

  “Aye, lassie. I do,” Upton said with a gallant bow that looked like he was squatting to take a dump.

  Thankfully, he wasn’t. However, the goats were not nearly as couth.

  Upton righted his Pirate hat and went on. “Bonar, Kim, Yolanda and meself have constructed a shanty on the beach with some of the scurvy wreckage.”

  “Did you find any self-cleaning crockpots?” I inquired only to get punched in the head by Wally.

  “Nay, no crockpots, yar Majesty,” Bonar said. “But methinks it would be a fine place to bring a wee one into the world.”

  “I’ll gather some seagrass to put on the ground,” Rick said, grabbing Madison’s hand and darting off to find it.

  “I think I can whip up a cradle with this rope and wood,” Cupid said.

  “I can find some sarong scraps for a blanket,” Misty volunteered as she and Cupid quickly wandered away.

  “Umm… you do realize what this is sounding like?” Wally inquired with a giggle. “We’ve even got the animals.”

  Tallulah laughed. “Correct. However, we will not be showing up late and bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh.”

  “So right you are,” Ariel said, grinning. “I say we help deliver the little bugger, find some food and get the area nice and clean.”

  “Wise women are way better than wise men,” Wally pointed out as she and the gals gently helped Petunia over to the shanty.

  “Can I have a non-virgin pina colada after the little Vega arrives?” Petunia inquired with a pained grunt of laughter.

  “Absolutely,” Del said, following his love and the other gals. “You can have anything your heart desires.”

  “I love you, Del,” Petunia said over her shoulder. “But if you ever knock me up again, I will hack off your Johnson with a dull butter knife.”

  “That’s wonderful, darling,” Del said with a grin.

  “I think my boy has lost it,” I muttered as I watched the small group move toward the simple shanty on the beach.

  “Nay,” Pirate Doug said, giving me a wink. “My brother is in love with a Mermaid. One hundred percent in love. If Tallulah wanted to lop my salami off, I’d let her.”

  “Are you daft?” I demanded.

  “Nay,” Pirate Doug answered. “It would grow back and I would do anything for my purple hooker.”

  “Don’t call me a hooker,” Tallulah yelled back at him.

  “Whoops. My bad,” Pirate Doug shouted. “I meant purple swimming hooker.”

  “Does anyone know what they were talking about—the gold, frank and beans and something else?” I asked.

  “I think it’s the name of some kind of fancy beer to go with the frank and beans,” Keith informed us.

  “Possibly.” I nodded. Keith might not be as idiotic as I’d always believed.

  “Nay, no clue what they meant,” Pirate Doug said. “But I say we just nod, smile and do whatever they say.”

  “Good deal,” Keith agreed.

  “Yar Majesty,” Upton said, handing me his spyglass. “Ye might want to take a gander out to sea.”

  “Why?” I asked, raising the glass to my eye. “Shite.”

  “That’s why,” Upton said. “Do ye want me to take the ship out and save his arse?”

  “Nay,” I said, making sure my diaper was secure. I’d hate to lose it in the salty sea. The jingle balls made such a lovely noise. “Pretty sure you don’t have a ship anymore after the storm. And that arse out there drowning in the ocean is mine.”

  “There’s a floating arse in the ocean?” Pirate Doug asked, grabbing the spyglass and scanning the horizon.

  “Aye,” I said. “However, the entire body is attached to the arse and his hair is a disaster. I want you men waiting on shore with your cameras ready.”

  “Why?” Keith asked.

  “Blackmail,” I said with a laugh. “He made fun of my boogers on social media. I will now make fun of his hair.”

  Sprinting out to the water’s edge, I dove in and felt right at home. The ocean fed my spirit and calmed my soul.

  “Where are you going?” Wally called out. “The baby is coming soon.”

  “Have to save Zeus,” I called back to my gal.

  “Do NOT kick his arse,” Wally warned. “No time for shenanigans.”

  “Roger that,” I yelled right before I dove deep and swam faster than any fish in the sea.

  I might not kick his arse, but I would certainly scare the shite out of him. He’d do no less to me.

  “You’re a son-of-a-bitch,” Zeus snapped as I dragged his soggy arse ashore.

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” I muttered with a laugh as I dropped my fellow god in the sand. “Get your shots boys.”

  Pirate Doug and Keith quickly sniped a few pictures of Zeus not looking his best. His ire was a pure delight. Not only was this payback for saying I had green boogers on social media, but the shite had wedgied me in front of all the other gods at a team-building summit last summer. It had taken me an hour to remove my diaper from
my arse. The fucker was strong. Although, the awe-shocked and impressed faces of the other gods when my left nard fell out of the diaper almost made it worth it. My marbles were enormous.

  “Thank you for saving me,” Zeus said in a tone so soft I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly.

  “What?” I inquired with a grin.

  “You heard me, you idiot,” he griped.

  “I did, old man,” I replied, taking his hand and pulling him to his feet. “And I’m sorry I had the boys take pictures of your hair.”

  “You’ll delete them?” Zeus asked.

  “Nay. Of course not. It will keep you in line for a few centuries,” I told him with a wink. “However, I would like to invite you to Christmas dinner with my family.”

  “We don’t have any Christmas dinner, dumbass,” Tallulah shouted from the shanty.

  “Shite,” I muttered.

  “How about we fish for dinner?” Zeus suggested.

  “Sounds good,” Tallulah shouted as Petunia grunted in pain and threatened every Johnson on the isle.

  “Is everything alright?” Zeus asked, concerned as he covered his jewels with his hands.

  “Aye,” I told him, following suit. “I have a granddaughter about to be born. Would you like to watch?”

  “Are you freaking kidding me?” Petunia screeched. “I will kill you so dead if you step one foot into my shanty. You feel me?”

  “Aye,” I said, grabbing Zeus, Pirate Doug, Keith, Cupid, Rick, Upton and Bonar by the scruffs of their necks and dragging them to relative safety. “Come on, men. We’re going to fish for dinner.”

  “I’m vegan,” Rick reminded me.

  “I’m vegetarian,” Keith added.

  “And seaweed,” I added with an eye roll. “Our Johnsons are not safe here.”

  “What about Del?” Pirate Doug asked.

  “Del’s Johnson is fair game,” I told my idiot son. “As will yours be when you have a child.”

  “Roger that,” Pirate Doug said. “Umm… is that a self-cleaning crockpot I spy?”

  Whipping around, I gasped with joy. “Aye and I believe I see the schlong shaped cake pan as well. Boys, we’re after fish, seaweed and electronics. We might just have a Christmas after all. Let’s GO!”

  10

  Yes, Poseidon… There is a Santa Claus

  “It’s a healthy baby girl. She’s gorgeous and looks just like her mamma,” Del shouted with joy as he danced on the beach under the full moon. “I’m a fucking father! Best damned day of my life.”

  “Congratulations,” Zeus said, snapping his fingers and producing celebratory cigars. “It’s terrifyingly wonderful to hear that Poseidon’s family tree continues to grow.”

  “I’ll take one of those cigars,” Wally said, joining the group of men on the beach. “Petunia was a goddess. Cussed like a wasted sailor and blew that baby out on the third push. Her primal screaming was outstanding. Pretty sure all of our eardrums were perforated. It’s truly wonderful to be Immortal and have outstanding healing powers or we’d all be deaf. Of course, the birth was a bloody, violent mess, but I was proud of Del for only passing out twice.”

  The men paled and our eyes grew huge. I was delighted that we’d been fishing during the birth of my granddaughter. Whoever thought that men should run the world was gravely mistaken. Women had much larger nards than we did any day of the week.

  “The goats were a poor choice of birthing companions though,” Wally went on as she lit up her cigar. “The one called Nancy felt she needed to add to the ruckus and sang the song of her people throughout the entire birth. Not to mention, she pooped a small nugget mountain in the shanty. But Petunia enjoyed having a screaming competition partner so I let the goat stay.”

  “It was amazing,” Del announced with tears in his eyes. “Petunia threatened my Johnson in many creative and horrifying ways, but I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

  “Yes, I did,” Petunia called out from the shanty. “But I love you.”

  “Love you too,” Del yelled as he sprinted back to the shanty to get his mate and his baby girl.

  “It’s after midnight,” Cupid pointed out. “Merry Christmas everyone.”

  “Merry Christmas,” Pirate Doug bellowed as he pieced together some wood to make a table for the midnight feast. “Are you dingleberries hungry?”

  “Yes,” Wally said as she zapped her beloved son with a bolt of lightning. “And don’t ever call me a dingleberry again. I’ll get the gals.”

  “Shite,” Pirate Doug muttered, rubbing his smoldering backside. “I thought dingleberry was better than hooker.”

  “You thought wrong,” Rick said as he placed a platter of seaweed salad on the rickety table. The platter was made from the leftover innards of a beach umbrella, but it worked in a pinch.

  We’d caught fish and shrimp for the feast and cooked them over a roaring bonfire on the beach. Everyone did their part and it was wonderfully bonding. The electronics we’d fished out of the sea were useless. However, I’d insisted that we put them under the makeshift Christmas tree that Keith and Ariel had cobbled together. It was decorated with several green plastic boogers, some shiny sea glass and a few shells. A starfish that Baby Thornycraft and Neville had found sat atop the masterpiece.

  “Here we go,” Cupid announced, placing a huge piece of driftwood on the table loaded down with perfectly grilled delicacies. “Bon appetit.”

  “Ladies first,” Tallulah said, walking a radiant Petunia with her babe in her arms to the front of the line.

  “May I?” I asked, glancing down at the swaddled child.

  “You may,” Petunia said with a wide grin as she handed me the precious bundle.

  My heart pounded furiously in my chest and my eyes filled with salty tears as I stared into the eyes of the perfect little child. She wrinkled her tiny nose, smiled at me then blew a toot from her bottom that filled me with wonder and pride. I had no clue something so tiny could fart so loud.

  “She’s perfect,” I announced, handing the babe to her father.

  I wasn’t exactly sure if it was an outstanding toot or a vigorous poop that the little beauty had just produced. I wasn’t good at changing diapers except for my own. So, on the outside chance that the rule was whoever held the babe when she took a dump had to change said dump, I handed her back to Del.

  “I’m starving,” Petunia said with a giggle. “I’ve had a busy day.”

  “Aye,” I said, handing her a broken coconut shell to put her food in. “You have made me proud, little Mermaid.”

  “Thank you,” Petunia replied grinning. “I’m pretty proud of me too.”

  “As you should be,” Wally said, handing her a stick to spear her food with. “It has been a perfect Christmas.”

  Had it? There were no presents. We were eating on the beach with makeshift plates and cutlery. There were no toys for the children and no self-cleaning crockpots for the women. All my plans had been washed away in the storm that was of my own doing. I felt terrible.

  “Stop that, Poseidon,” Wally admonished as she handed me a coconut shell filled with delicious food. “Look around at our family and tell me what you see.”

  Following my love’s directive so I didn’t get electrocuted, I scanned the beach and took it all in. Ariel and Keith were laughing and playing tag with Baby Thornycraft and Neville. Upton and Yolanda were creating a Christmas sandcastle masterpiece as Rick and Madison clapped and took picture after picture.

  “They’re happy,” I whispered as I continued to watch my lovely family.

  “Very,” Wally confirmed taking my hand in hers.

  Petunia sat with Del on the remnants of a lounge chair as Tallulah and Pirate Doug oohed and ahhed over the newest addition to my line.

  Zeus was in deep discussion with Bonar and Kim and appeared not to understand a word the Pirate said. Bonar didn’t notice and went on with a story that had his mate, Kim, in stitches.

  “No one died. It’s a fucking miracle,” Cupid yelled gleefull
y as he took Misty into his arms and danced her around the beach to the delight of everyone.

  “You see?” Wally whispered as she leaned her head on my shoulder. “It’s not about the gifts. It’s about family and love.”

  “Aye,” I replied with content, stroking her long curly locks. “You are correct as usual, my love.”

  “Incoming,” Upton shouted, pointing out at the sea.

  “What the hell is that?” Cupid asked, squinting his eyes and trying to make out what was flying toward us.

  “Shite,” Pirate Doug bellowed. “I have no clue. Arm yourselves everyone. We’re under attack.”

  As the Mermaids and their mates gathered weapons, I slowly walked to the water’s edge and began to laugh. Who would have guessed?

  “Nay,” I bellowed to my family. “Put down your weapons. Our visitor comes in peace.”

  “Who is it?” Tallulah asked as she joined me.

  Looking down at her, I grinned. “You’re not going to believe me, little Mermaid.”

  “Try me,” she shot back.

  “It’s Santa.”

  “He’s real? Are you shitting me?” Tallulah asked with a laugh.

  “I shite you not,” I replied. “Move the table and clear the beach. We must create a landing area for Santa Claus!”

  “Wait,” I said, confused. “Are you the real Santa?”

  “As a matter of fact, Poseidon, I am,” the jolly fat bastard said as he enjoyed an enormous coconut shell filled with shrimp and seaweed.

  His reindeer were grazing with the goats and his sled was parked sideways in the sand. I was curious if the rotund man had enjoyed a few spiked eggnogs before he’d arrived. His landing was positively embarrassing. However, I said not a word about the fact that he’d basically ejected himself from his sleigh due to flying in upside down. Upton and Bonar had quickly and efficiently procured Santa from a palm tree and everyone politely pretended they hadn’t witnessed the crash landing.