Jingle Me Balls

by Robyn Peterman

  “Then who are all the mall Santas?” Tallulah inquired as she set Santa up with a pina colada.

  “They’re all me,” Santa replied, chuckling.

  “How is that possible?” Petunia asked with her babe sleeping soundly in her arms.

  “Can you keep a secret?” Santa asked.

  “Yes!” I announced. “But a quick question. Would it be okay if I put it on social media?”

  I was electrocuted by the Mermaids from all sides, so I took that as a no.

  “I’m an alien—from Uranus who relocated with Mrs. Claus to the North Pole. The climate is very similar,” Santa whispered as his eyes twinkled with delight. “Once a year, I splice my DNA into millions of pieces and send them all over the land. It’s a bit dicey for Mrs. Claus since I’m a randy old bastard, but she enjoys the variety.”

  No one quite knew what to say to that one… except Pirate Doug.

  “Did you just say you’re from my anus?” my dolt of a son inquired. Although, I had to admit the same question had crossed my mind as well.

  “No, I said Uranus,” Santa clarified.

  “My anus?” Pirate Doug asked again, completely perplexed.

  “Nope. Uranus,” Santa said.

  Pirate Doug glanced around in horror and confusion. “Thank you for explaining, Santa.”

  “You are most welcome and now you know,” Santa said as he downed his drink and then pressed the area between his bushy eyebrows in pain. “Mother-elf-humper, I have a brain-freeze.”

  “You okay?” I asked, concerned. We certainly wouldn’t want to accidentally kill Santa, even though he was under the mistaken impression that he lived in our arses.

  “I’m fine,” he said, back to being jolly. “Could I get another one of those?”

  “Only if you promise to drink it slowly,” Tallulah said with a laugh as she handed the old coot another.

  “Promise,” Santa replied with a wink. “I came here today because I received a letter that warmed my heart.”

  “And your anus?” Pirate Doug questioned.

  “Umm… nope. Just my heart,” Santa said. “I would like to read it to you.”

  “Ahhhhh,” I said, trying to remember who I’d insulted in my letter. As far as I could recall, it was only Zeus, which was fine. “Is it my letter?”

  “It is!” Santa replied with a delighted chuckle. “I haven’t gotten a letter from someone who understood the true meaning of Christmas in a very long time. It made me get into my sleigh and fly to the Mystical Isle.”

  “So you don’t use the sleigh much?” Ariel asked with a giggle.

  “I don’t,” Santa admitted with a cheerful grin. “Been sighted so many times by Air Traffic Control that I usually leave the driving to someone else. However, it is Christmas and my clones are quite busy.”

  “Are you saying that Poseidon understands the true meaning of Christmas?” Wally asked with a huge grin on her lovely face. “My Poseidon?”

  “That is exactly what I’m saying,” Santa said. “Would you like to hear the letter?”

  “Absolutely,” Cupid said with a baffled expression on his face.

  “Then gather ‘round and make yourselves comfortable,” Santa instructed. “Although, I’d like to point out before I start that I’m not banging Frosty the Snowman.”

  “Sorry about that,” I said sheepishly.

  “Not to worry,” Santa said. “Frosty was amused. His wife was not.”

  “Shite,” I muttered, hoping Mrs. Frosty wasn’t the vengeful type. “Oh, and you can skip the part about Zeus being a lying sack of shite.”

  “Thank you,” Zeus said with an eye roll. “Please, Santa, don’t leave anything out.”

  I was a little—or a lot—soused when I’d penned my letter, but I’d written from my heart. I just hoped my grammar wasn’t too shitey.

  And Santa began to read…

  “Dear Santa,

  My name is Poseidon. I’m quite sure you’ve heard of me. Everyone has. I’m wildly famous.

  I have been a very good boy this year. You can ask Wally. Wally is my she-devil with the outstanding rack if you need confirmation on this. Do not ask Zeus. He is a lying sack of shite.

  Please send my regards to Frosty the Snowman. I had no clue you two were banging. The interwebs didn’t provide that information. Luckily, I saw the good news on a sweater.

  Here is what I want…

  For my mate Wally, I would like to make her laugh every day for the rest of her life. She is my reason for living and her happiness is my happiness.

  For Ariel and Keith, I wish health, happiness and joy. Ariel’s giggle lights up my world and I want to keep it that way. Keith isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he takes my side in most disputes and I admire his nards.

  For Misty, Cupid and Baby Thornycraft, I wish them the ability to spread love through the Universe and make it a better place. Their hearts are wondrous and they deserve all the joys that love has to offer. While Cupid is an arse occasionally, I still love the shite.

  For Madison and Rick, I wish many dangerous and delightful missions. I wish for them to always come home safe and sound. The world would not be half as beautiful without them in it.

  For Petunia and Del, I wish a healthy baby and millions of years of happiness. I am proud to have my Genie son back in my life and hope to make him proud of me as well. Petunia and Del have been through the wringer and it’s their turn to shine.

  For Upton and Yolanda and Bonar and Kim, I wish joy and laughter throughout Immortality. I also wish for grammar lessons for the Pirates. And for little Neville, I wish strength and wisdom. He will lead the Gnomes someday and I know he will be just and kind.

  For Tallulah and Pirate Doug, I wish every happiness in the Universe. Someday my idiot son will take my place on the throne and I am wildly overjoyed that Tallulah will kick his arse if the little shite gets out of line.

  For the gods on Mount Olympus, I wish they would finally admit that my Johnson is far superior to theirs. However, I also wish them good health and joy in life… but more joy if they will accept that my salami is higher ranking than theirs.

  And for myself? I wish for nothing. I already have everything that I want. Love, laughter and family.

  Thank you for your time, you fat bastard.

  xoxo Poseidon—The Well-Hung God of the Sea”

  The silence was deafening. Had I written a bad letter? Was everyone angry? Did I miss the real meaning of Christmas again? Shite. Maybe writing from my heart was a dreadful idea. It was after six, so I could have some rum. I could just go for a quick swim and then drown my embarrassment in alcohol.

  “Oh my gods,” Wally cried out as she tackled me and kissed my face all over. “That was the most beautiful letter I’ve ever heard.”

  “Did you like the part about my Johnson being the best?” I asked with a laugh, wrapping my arms around her.

  “Umm… not my favorite part, but it was good,” Wally told me.

  “Hug my pappy!” Pirate Doug bellowed as I was lovingly attacked my family.

  The kisses, hugs, backslaps and happy tears were the best gifts I could have received. Screw the self-cleaning crockpots. However, I would be pilfering one of those soon for Wally. She deserved it.

  “I have an announcement to make,” Del said, clearing his throat and getting the attention of all. “We have chosen a name for our daughter.”

  “I thought it was Vega,” Tallulah said as she gave me one last hug and got to her feet.

  “It is,” Petunia confirmed with a secretive smile on her lips. “However, Vega has a middle name.”

  “Out with it,” I bellowed, tickling Baby Thornycraft and Neville. “We need to celebrate little Vega’s birth.”

  “Tell him,” Petunia said, nudging Del.

  “I thought you wanted to tell him,” Del said, kissing the top of Petunia’s head.

  “I did,” she said. “But now I want you to tell him. He’s your father.”

  “Someb
ody just tell me,” I said, getting a bit alarmed.

  Del again cleared his throat and stepped forward. “In honor of the wonderfully loving freak who had a hand in bringing most of us together… we have decided to name our daughter Vega Poseidonia in honor of her grandfather, Poseidon.”

  The tears were copious. The joyful screaming was out of control. Why was everyone so insane? Wait. It was me. I was screaming. I was crying. My family simply watched me quietly and somewhat warily with radiant smiles on their faces.

  “Is this true?” I choked out through my tears.

  “It is,” Wally said, taking my hands in hers. “You’re a nutjob, but you are a very loved nutjob.”

  “I’ll take it,” I whispered as the family dispersed and wandered back to the resort that Santa had magically restored with his alien anus power.

  Of course, Santa was staying with us until Mrs. Claus could get down here and drive the sleigh back home. Tallulah had insisted when Mrs. Claus arrived that both she and Santa stay for a well-deserved vacation. Santa was delighted with the plan.

  “You ready to go to bed?” Wally asked with a happy sigh.

  “I was thinking I would sit on the beach for a bit, look at the stars and indulge in a bit of rum,” I told her.

  “Then I shall join you,” she replied.

  “You will?” I asked with a chuckle.

  “Your happiness is my happiness, Poseidon,” Wally said. “It always has been and it always will be.”

  “Do I still have to go to Jazzercize with you?” I inquired casually, pushing my luck.

  “Yep,” Wally said with a giggle. “I like to ogle your pecs when I exercise.”

  I puffed up with pride. My pecs were outstanding. “Then I would be delighted to join you.”

  “Let’s spend Christmas here every year,” Wally said as we got comfortable in the sand.

  Aye, my love,” I said, wrapping my arms around her. “Tis a wonderful idea.”

  I’d meant what I’d said in my letter. I truly did have everything I wanted—love, laughter and family. They were the things that gold coins or human credit cards couldn’t buy.

  “Should we wish on a star?” I asked, pulling Wally closer.

  “Not tonight,” Wally whispered, laying her head on my shoulder. “Save them for another time. All of my wishes have come true today.”

  I glanced up at the sky and smiled. The stars twinkled and winked. I winked right back at them and sighed with pure contentment.

  Wally was correct. Our wishes had indeed been granted and the love of my Immortal life was at my side. Life didn’t get much better.

  Merry Christmas to all… and to all a good night.

  The End

  Note From The Author

  If you enjoyed reading Jingle Me Balls, please consider leaving a positive review or rating on the site where you purchased it. Reader reviews help my books continue to be valued by resellers and help new readers make decisions about reading them.

  * * *

  You are the reason I write these stories and I sincerely appreciate each of you!

  Many thanks for your support,

  ~ Robyn Peterman

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  More In This Series

  Sea Shenanigans

  Visit robynpeterman.com for more info!

  Excerpt from: Tallulah’s Temptation

  This is an excerpt from Book 1 of the

  Sea Shenanigans series by Robyn Peterman.

  GET YOUR FREE COPY HERE!

  https://robynpeterman.com/talulahs-temptation/

  Chapter One

  Chapter 1

  Pirate Doug

  “Doug, this is an offer you would be foolish to refuse,” Renee said, running a hand through her curly red hair in frustration.

  “Pirate Doug,” I reminded her for the fourth time. If the human woman—as attractive and beddable as she was—couldn’t be bothered to remember my title, I couldn’t be bothered to listen.

  I was an extremely busy Vampire Pirate of the High Seas. Being on the run for my life was a full fucking time job. Sitting still in an office on dry land was making me itchy. I was a sitting duck for my inordinately long list of enemies. Of course killing me was an almost impossible feat, but I could be dismembered quite easily by the right foe. My arms and legs would regenerate, but it really pissed me off to have to regrow the appendages—not to mention dry socket sucked. I’d had the same legs for three hundred years and I planned on keeping it that way. Now my arms were an entirely different story. Taking a week off to sprout new limbs was a dangerous proposition for someone as in demand as I was.

  “So let me get this straight,” I said, casing the office for something to abscond with. Sadly, there was nothing shiny in sight. Either Renee had hidden all her precious booty or she didn’t have any. “You’re going to pay off my debts if I agree to take this appalling offer I have yet to hear?”

  “No,” she said with a barely disguised eye roll. “No one in their right mind would pay off your astronomical and wildly illegal financial woes.”

  “So then I’m wasting my time and risking my life by being here,” I said, standing up to take my leave.

  “Sit,” Renee commanded in a voice that made me a bit randy and resulted in my breeches growing tight.

  The small woman had large balls. I found her rudeness wildly arousing. Not that I would make a play for the owner of the Otherworld Defense Agency. She was mated to two Werewolves. Those hairy bastards were vicious. Besides, I preferred nonhuman women who enjoyed the sea—much more durable in the boudoir on my ship.

  “Your debt is insurmountable,” she pointed out.

  “Thank you,” I replied with a gallant bow.

  “That wasn’t a compliment,” she said, biting back a grin.

  “My bad,” I said with my most charming smile.

  I was obnoxiously aware that I was an obscenely good looking bastard. It had come in handy over my many centuries. Pretty people could get away with murder—not that I was into that sort of thing. I was far more into priceless objects, rare artifacts and getting laid on a very regular basis. Murder only came into play when someone was gunning for my sexy ass.

  “Doug,” she began.

  “Pirate Doug.”

  “Right. Pirate Doug,” Renee amended with a shake of her head and a chuckle. “I can have the most egregious bounty removed from your idiot head if you take the job.”

  “You can get the Gnomes off my arse?” I inquired, surprised. I let the idiot comment go mostly because it was accurate and the rest of her statement was very intriguing.

  Gnomes were the bane of my fabulous existence at the moment. The bald bastards were after me for too many reasons to count. Of course bedding the gal pal of their head honcho a decade ago didn’t help, but draining their international bank accounts was certainly high on their list of my transgressions as well.

  “They owe us a favor or seven,” she said cryptically. “We can erase what you’ve done. However, I’d like to suggest that you steer clear of the Gnomes in the future.”

  “Could you be more specific?” I inquired. Implied rules and vague hints were not my forte.

  “Sure,” she replied with a sigh and then a laugh. “Keep your dick in your pants and stop stealing their shit. Period. We can’t negate your future crimes—only the ones you’ve already committed.”

  “Interesting,” I said, running my hand over my well-trimmed goatee and considering this offer although I still had no idea what I had to do. I was tempted to say yes even though the mission was a mystery. I’d had far too many close calls of late. It was getting quite tiresome to have to fight off those bloodthirsty Gnome sons of bitches.

  There were plenty of people and species to steal from. I could avoid looting the Gnomes for a few hundred years. However, keeping my man tool in my breeches might prove to be difficult. The female Gnomes adored me. They were animals in
the sack and delightfully violent—all attributes that made my roger quite jolly. Although, living to see tomorrow did appeal…

  “Let’s say… hypocritically, I accept your offer. What exactly did you have in mind?” I asked, sitting back down, but rearranging my chair so I could see the exit clearly. Never good to let someone sneak up from behind. That’s how I’d lost my left arm three months ago.

  “I’m sorry, what did you just say?” Renee asked, seemingly confused. “Do you mean hypothetically?”

  I paused in thought. I had been told it made me look smarter…

  “No. I’m fairly sure I’m a hypocrite. Did I use it in the sentence wrong? I have a word of the day calendar and I’ve been trying to stretch the old vocabulary. I’ve found pretending to have a higher IQ gets me laid more regularly.”

  The human woman was stunned to silence for a brief moment and then had an alarming coughing fit that caused her face to turn a bright red—or possibly she was choking to death. No matter. She was clearly bowled over by my brains and brawn. I was gorgeous and had a legendary trouser snake. However, if she keeled over in my presence I’d have to answer to the fucking Werewolves. That was not my idea of a good time.

  “Do you need me to hemlock you?” I inquired politely.

  Her eyes grew wide and I wondered if she was daft. I’d heard quite the opposite, but her behavior was strange.

  “Umm… no,” she said, getting control of herself with effort. “That won’t be necessary.”

  “Very well then,” I replied. “What are the terms?”

  “You still have your ship?” she asked, wiping a few tears from her eyes as she cleared her throat several times.

  “I have a fleet,” I replied proudly.

  “Do I want to know how you amassed a fleet?”

  I paused and winked at the harried woman. “Probably not.”