Workings of a Happily Ever After, The
Page 30
~*~
ring-ring
ring-ring
I groaned and rolled over, a blind hand reaching up at the head of my bed for my phone that Seifer made me keep near my person at all times.
ring-ring
ring-ring
"All right, all right," I mumbled as I sat up, brushing my hair from my face as I fumbled with the phone to hit the appropriate button. "Regal," I croaked.
"How do I make it stop?" came a near frantic, gruff voice.
My eyes snapped open as my mind woke to full instinctual awareness. "Make what stop, Jaxon?" I prompted gently, remembering how horribly tortured he had looked at the rehearsal three days ago. "What's the matter?"
"I keep seeing her. They won't leave me alone. The only way I can sleep is with the GF, but I can't do that to her. I can't forget her. I loved her. She should be remembered, but how do I make it stop. I don't want to remember her dying... the blood... the blasts... oh Hyne... she's dead..."
His panic and total and complete desperation had me swallowing back tears while fighting my own version of panic. "Jaxon," I said calmly, "Jaxon, tell me what happened."
"It's the same damn dream," he rasped. "Getting ready to give her the locket. The first blasts and the pain. Seeing her body and not being able to do a damn thing to... she died right there. In my arms. ...whispering my name."
I heard a choked sob and covered my mouth with a hand as the tears ran down my face. Oh Jaxon... What can I say...?
"I wasn't there in time to save her!" he said suddenly, voice harsh and heavy with guilt and rage. "Two inches! Two damn inches and I could have shielded her body from the blast!"
"Jaxon, then she would be where you are," I reminded carefully. "Blaming herself for not saving your life."
I heard another choked sob and rough collection of breaths. I bit my lip. It wasn't what he wanted to hear, but I didn't know what else to say. I closed my eyes and rubbed at my forehead, pulling at any words... "Jaxon," I said softly, "it's horrible that she's gone, and I can hear how much you miss her. How much it hurts to remember her, but you've got her inside."
"Inside?" he hissed. "What the hell good is inside when I want her here!"
"It's all you have," I confessed, and I could almost feel the cringe he must have done. "Jaxon, I... I can't make the pain go away. None of us can. But... But if you remember her every day, remember the happy things and the laughter and even the fights you might have had, it's better. Every day it gets better. I just know it does. It has to or else she died for nothing, and she wouldn't want that to happen. You wouldn't want that to happen."
"...I just want it to stop..."
"I know, Jaxon," I whispered, wiping more tears from cheeks. "So do I, and I know she would, too. She wouldn't ever want you to go through this, but you've got to try. It's better at the end; you just have to fight your way there."
Silence fell, and I couldn't tell if the line had gone dead or--
"Sally... I can't do this by myself," he choked out.
I shook my head. "Jaxon, you don't have to. Zell and me... We're right here. All you have to do is talk to us. Any time. Any day. Anywhere." I moved the phone to my other ear. "Even if you just want to talk to someone about her, so that you don't forget the good times. Just call us up or send me an email or anything. We wouldn't ever expect you to do something like this by yourself."
Silence descended again, but then I heard a deep exhalation of breath that sounded so much like someone setting something aside. Or getting a second wind to move ahead on a journey that was harder than they thought it'd be. It gave me a wave of relief and hope.
"It will be okay, Jaxon," I promised, and I could hear the tears in my voice still. "It will." And I would do everything I could to make that promise come true.