An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  “I think we’ve bitten off more than we can chew,” Bob said. “The sailors made a rope net out of my ties, and the Rosary Chicken turned my hamper into a nest. She also laid eggs in all my shoes—I wish I had been warned before I got dressed for work this morning.”

  “And we both have to work tomorrow,” Charlotte said. “We can’t leave them in the house alone. They’ll burn it down by the time we get back.”

  “It’s not like we can call a sitter,” he said. “And we certainly can’t take them with us to the hospital.”

  Bob had unintentionally given Charlotte an idea, and her eyes lit up.

  “That’s it!” she said. “What if we take them to the new wing of the children’s hospital? They just finished construction and the inspections don’t start until next week. It’s empty and spacious—exactly what we need!”

  Before Bob could argue with her, the dryer door popped open and Somersault Sydney rolled out of it. The pirate was very warm and dizzy. When her eyes stopped spinning, she looked up at Bob and Charlotte.

  “What time is it?” Somersault Sydney asked.

  “Almost half past five,” Bob said.

  “Dang it,” Somersault Sydney said. “I was hoping that was a time machine.”

  A loud crash came from the living room. Charlotte and Bob sprinted through the house and found their television on the floor with its screen shattered. Auburn Sally and Admiral Jacobson were helping Siren Sue to her feet beside it.

  “What happened?” Charlotte asked.

  “The privileged family disappeared and were replaced by a series of merchants,” Auburn Sally explained. “First a woman was bewitching us into purchasing a mop of miracles, then a man swallowed a tiny pebble that soothed his aching bones, and then an old woman fell onto the floor and couldn’t get up!”

  Siren Sue looked down at the floor. “I tried to save her,” she said.

  Bob and Charlotte looked around their house at all the pirates and sailors and shared a long sigh.

  “You’re right,” Bob said. “We can’t let them stay here. We’ll take them to the hospital with us. At least we’ll be able to check on them while we’re working.”

  “But they’re still going to need supervision,” Charlotte said.

  Conner’s binder of short stories was kept safely in the corner of the living room. The cover flipped open and a beam of light illuminated the house. Alex and Conner stepped out of the beam in their newly cleaned space suits with huge smiles on their faces. The Blissworm sat on Alex’s shoulder and oohed and aahed as it saw their house.

  “Hey, guys!” Conner said. “Good news—we’ve recruited the Cyborg army to help us!”

  The pirates and sailors cheered, then stopped, sharing the same puzzled expression.

  “What’s a Cyborg?” Admiral Jacobson asked.

  “You’ll see,” Conner said. “They’ll be in the house shortly. The Cyborg Queen was just waiting on a New Planet Construction Permit from the United Universe Council—it’s a long story.”

  The broken television and the messy kitchen caught the twins’ attention.

  “What happened in here?” Alex asked. “Was there an earthquake?”

  “We need to talk,” Charlotte said.

  Bob and Charlotte pulled the twins into the dining room for a private word.

  “The house is getting smaller by the minute,” their mother said. “Bob and I were talking, and we think it might be best if we take your characters to the new wing of the children’s hospital. There’s lots of room there and no one will see them.”

  “That’s a great idea,” Conner said. “I was wondering where we’d put a thousand Cyborg soldiers. Good thinking.”

  “Which brings us to our next concern,” Bob said. “We need help taking care of all these characters—your mother and I can only do so much. Is there anyone you know who can help us supervise?”

  The Blissworm raised its hand, confident it was the worm for the job. The twins looked to each other and thought of possible candidates.

  “We should probably check in with the others in the fairy-tale world,” Alex said. “What if we bring Jack and Goldilocks back to help Mom and Bob?”

  “Yeah, they’re probably worried about us,” he said. “We can let everyone else know we’ve recruited half an army—they might need some good news.”

  Even though the Blissworm had no idea what the twins were talking about, it nodded along approvingly. It was the first time Bob and Charlotte had noticed the worm on Alex’s shoulder, and they both took a step back from it.

  “How should we get to the fairy-tale world?” Conner asked. “Grandma’s old storybook?”

  “Yes, but instead of activating the magic within the storybook, we should use the Portal Potion on it,” Alex suggested. “We’ll have an easier way of getting back here.”

  Bob and Charlotte listened to Alex and Conner like they were speaking another language, but if the twins were satisfied with this plan, so were they.

  “Where is Grandma’s old storybook, anyway?” Conner asked.

  “It’s on the bookshelf in Alex’s room upstairs,” Charlotte said.

  “Great!” Conner said. “Thanks for being so organized, Mom!”

  Alex snapped her fingers and their space suits turned into normal clothes again. She handed Charlotte the Blissworm and the twins ran up the stairs to Alex’s room. Despite its energetic attempt for a hug, Charlotte held the Blissworm away from her body like it was poisonous.

  “Charlotte,” Bob said in shock, “there’s an alien worm in our house.”

  In her bedroom upstairs, Alex scanned her bookshelf until she found the spine of her grandma’s emerald storybook. She pulled it out and read the golden title aloud.

  “The Land of Stories,” Alex said.

  “More like The Land of Troubles.” Conner laughed.

  Naturally, the book was nostalgic for the twins, but they didn’t have time to walk down memory lane. Conner placed the storybook on the floor, removed the flask from his backpack, and poured three drops of the Portal Potion onto the pages. They lit up as another bright beam of light shined out of the book.

  While Conner got the storybook ready, the title of another book on the shelf caught Alex’s eye: King Arthur. It made her heart sink and her face fall.

  “Is something wrong?” Conner asked her.

  “Not at all,” Alex said. “Go ahead, I’ll be right behind you.”

  Conner stepped into the beam of light and disappeared from the bedroom. Alex pulled her copy of King Arthur off the shelf and stared at it. The image on the cover was of an old, weary king seated at the head of a round table. He had bags under his eyes, a long, graying beard, and a mind full of troubles. It made her laugh because the Arthur she knew couldn’t have been more different.

  Alex wondered what Arthur was doing at that very moment. She wondered if he thought about her as much as she thought about him, if he missed her as much as she missed him, and if he longed to be with her as much as she longed to be with him. Even though it was entirely her choice to leave him in his own world, not a single day went by that she didn’t think of him and wonder if she had made the right decision.

  Oddly, just holding the book made Alex feel closer to Arthur, as if he were on the other end of an open telephone line. She stuffed the book into her backpack, stepped into the beam of light, and followed her brother into the Land of Stories.

  In the world of King Arthur, the once and future king was battling an enchanted scarecrow in the middle of a large open field. The duel would have been a spectacle to any passing observer, but to Arthur it was just another lesson in his training to become the king of England. Merlin and Mother Goose sat in plastic lawn chairs to the side and drank iced tea as they cheered him on.

  “That’s it, young Arthur!” Merlin said. “Always remember, enemies will come in different shapes, sizes, and materials!”

  “Ar-ty! Ar-ty! Ar-ty!” Mother Goose chanted like she was at a football game. “Show th
at scarecrow who’s boss! Kick the hay outta him!”

  Arthur was the least enthusiastic of all of them. In fact, he resembled the King Arthur on the cover of Alex’s book more than the adventurous young man she remembered. Defeating the scarecrow was an easy challenge, but his heart wasn’t in it. Only one thing had been on Arthur’s mind for weeks, and he couldn’t let it go.

  The scarecrow tackled Arthur to the ground. It punched and kicked him with its soft hay hands, but Arthur didn’t even try to shield himself. He just lay on the ground and let the enchanted object beat him.

  Merlin and Mother Goose did everything they could to encourage him. They magically set off fireworks, they did the wave like a crowd in a stadium, they even danced with pom-poms, but nothing motivated him.

  “He’s been depressed since Alex left,” Merlin said. “Unless we do something to inspire him soon, England will have a very bleak future.”

  “Let me talk to him,” Mother Goose said. “If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s convincing young men to do things against their will. Trust me, I had two dates to every school dance, and it wasn’t because of my looks.”

  Merlin shrugged. He was out of ideas himself and willing to try anything. He snapped his fingers and the scarecrow was disenchanted.

  “Let’s take a break,” Merlin told Arthur. “I need to return to the cottage and stir my wormtail ragu so it won’t be lumpy for dinner.”

  The wizard kissed Mother Goose on the cheek and then headed into the forest to give her and Arthur a moment alone.

  “Hey, Arty! Come have a seat next to me,” Mother Goose called.

  Arthur pushed the scarecrow off his body and sluggishly took Merlin’s seat next to her. He kept his eyes on the empty field and let out a deep sigh.

  “Why the long face, Arthur?” Mother Goose asked. “You look like I did when the Beatles broke up.”

  “I’m having a difficult time concentrating on Merlin’s lessons,” he said. “I don’t feel like myself these days.”

  “Because you miss Alex,” she said matter-of-factly.

  Arthur’s knee-jerk reaction was to deny the accusation, but when he opened his mouth, he couldn’t find the words to argue. Instead, he just nodded and sank into his seat. Mother Goose put a comforting hand on his shoulder and smiled sweetly.

  “Young love,” she said. “It doesn’t matter how old you get, you always remember it. You spend five minutes with someone and suddenly you never want to spend a moment apart. They become your sole focus and make you happier, more excited, and more inspired than anything before. They become your armor and give you strength and bravery and make you feel unstoppable. Life doesn’t seem so bad now that you have someone to share it with.”

  Arthur gulped—he couldn’t have described it better himself.

  “That is, until it stops,” Mother Goose said. “Then everything comes to an earth-shattering, heartbreaking, and rude-awakening halt. You feel foolish for ever having been so happy, and embarrassed for letting it show, and the world has never seemed so terrible.”

  “Sounds familiar,” Arthur said.

  Mother Goose leaned a little closer to him, and seriousness grew in her eyes.

  “Love is wonderful, magical, and beautiful, but it can also be maddening, damaging, and dangerous,” she said. “It blinds us more than anything. It makes us selfish, it makes us feel like nothing else matters, and it tricks us into thinking the rest of the world doesn’t exist—but it does exist. Whether you’re on the high or low side of love, the world always moves on.”

  “So you’re saying love is a weakness?” Arthur asked.

  “That depends on you,” Mother Goose said. “There’s a reason we’ve got hearts and brains—we’re supposed to listen to them both. A good man follows his heart, but a wise man follows his heart without ignoring his brain. Finding the right balance is one of the hardest parts of life.”

  “It appears Alex and I are on opposite ends of that scale,” Arthur said. “She believes being together would alter my destiny, and I can’t imagine a destiny without her.”

  “Destiny is an awfully big gamble for one relationship,” Mother Goose said. “It doesn’t matter how strongly you feel about something—even the most stubborn people can change. What if you and Alex grew apart a couple of years down the road? Could you imagine the guilt you’d both feel if you let down the people of England for nothing?”

  “But like you said, life is about finding a balance,” Arthur said. “Surely there’s an outcome where we can fulfill our destinies and be together? Why does it have to be so black-and-white?”

  “Young people from the Otherworld are overly dramatic these days,” Mother Goose said. “Every relationship has to be all-or-nothing, there’s no example of give-and-take—I blame television and vampire novels. Alex doesn’t want to keep King Arthur from England—so she’s keeping King Arthur away from her.”

  Arthur went quiet and looked at the sky. He thought over and over again about what Mother Goose had just said. An enticing idea came to him and he smiled from ear to ear.

  “Then to prove her wrong, I have to prove she won’t be depriving England of anything,” he said. “If I accomplish everything in the legend she holds me to, Alex will have nothing to put between us!”

  Mother Goose was confused. She was trying to convince Arthur to get over Alex and move on with his life, not to get over his life and move on with Alex. She had no idea how her advice could have backfired so easily.

  “I suppose you’re right,” she said. “Heck, Arty, if you founded Camelot, assembled the Knights of the Round Table, located the Holy Grail, and still had feelings for Alex after you were done—I’d take you to her myself.”

  Arthur looked at Mother Goose with deep desperation in his eyes. “You would?” he asked.

  “Um… sure,” Mother Goose said. “But I think you’re missing my—”

  “Then I’d better get back to work!” he said.

  Arthur excitedly ran back into the field. She wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened, but Mother Goose was pleased to see his spirits change. She snapped her fingers and the scarecrow got to its feet. Arthur fought it with more vigor and purpose than he had ever fought anything before.

  Merlin returned to the field and couldn’t believe his eyes. He sat beside Mother Goose with an astonished look on his face.

  “It’s a miracle!” Merlin said. “How did you manage it?”

  Mother Goose shrugged. “I have such a way with words, even I’m not sure what I said.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  REGROUPING

  Alex and Conner stepped through the beam of light and found themselves somewhere near the base of the Northern Mountains in the Northern Kingdom. If it weren’t for the range of snowy peaks stretching across the horizon, they wouldn’t have recognized the Land of Stories. The smoky sky and the prominent burned smell in the air made them feel like they had stepped into a war zone, not the world of classic fairy tales. But unfortunately, these days they were one and the same.

  “This place looks awful,” Conner said. “What has Uncle Lloyd done to it?”

  “We’re not far from the Northern Palace,” Alex said. “Let’s sneak over and take a look—it might give us some information.”

  The twins picked up the emerald storybook from the ground next to them and traveled through the woods of the Northern Kingdom, carefully avoiding roads and paths to stay out of sight. Soon the green domes of the Northern Palace came into view above the trees, and the twins crept closer to get a glimpse of it.

  If the Northern Palace was any indication, the fairy-tale world was in the worst shape it had ever been in. Snow White’s former home was so battered, it was a miracle parts of it were even standing. Captain Hook’s flying ship, the Jolly Roger, hovered above the palace like a docked hot-air balloon. The grounds were covered with groups of patrolling Winkies and card soldiers.

  On the front lawns of the palace, the twins saw villagers constructing three eno
rmous statues: the Wicked Witch of the West, Captain Hook, and the Queen of Hearts. They were watched over by a flock of flying monkeys that pushed and kicked the villagers as they carried supplies past them.

  “What have they done to Swan Lake?” Conner exclaimed. “All the villagers from all the kingdoms must be in there!”

  “Look up there,” Alex said.

  She pointed to the palace balcony, where Captain Hook, the Queen of Hearts, and the Wicked Witch of the West watched the villagers build their monuments. The villains were seated on large cushioned chairs and were being served drinks and sweets by Mr. Smee.

  “Where’s Uncle Lloyd?” Alex asked. “Why isn’t he sitting with them or having his own statue constructed?”

  “It’s weird, isn’t it?” Conner said. “Let’s get to the cave—the others will know.”

  Alex held her brother tightly, and with a bright flash she magically transported them to the cave in the mountains. They were expecting to find their friends the Merry Men, the Lost Boys, and soldiers from the Northern and Charming Kingdoms inside, but there wasn’t a trace of them anywhere. The cave was completely empty.

  “Where did everybody go?” Alex asked. “You don’t think they were found and captured, do you?”

  Conner looked around the vacant cave, fearing the same thing.

  “No, they would have put up a fight,” he said. “There’s no sign of a struggle anywhere. They must have moved to a different location.”

  “Maybe they left a clue behind so we’d know where to find them,” Alex said.

  She and Conner searched the cave, but they didn’t even find a footprint that could lead them in the right direction. They stepped out of the cave and looked around at the forest and the mountains surrounding them. Something large emerged from the trees and caught Conner’s eye.

  “I don’t think they left something behind—I think they left someone,” he said.