An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  Conner gestured to the woods ahead, where a chubby unicorn with a broken horn stood.

  “Cornelius!” Alex said excitedly.

  The twins ran to the unicorn and gave him a huge hug. He was so happy to see them, he neighed eagerly and did an animated dance with his front hooves.

  “Cornelius, we’re looking for Jack and Goldilocks,” Alex said. “Do you know where they and the others went?”

  The unicorn nodded his large head up and down.

  “Could you take us there?” Conner asked.

  The unicorn knelt to the ground and the twins climbed onto his back. His horn glowed like a lantern, and he raced through the forest faster than any normal horse could. Although they zipped past trees at a high speed, the twins could tell how empty the woods were. They didn’t see a single living thing in the forest besides each other.

  Cornelius took Alex and Conner deep into the Dwarf Forests, to the West Hills. Neither had been to these parts of the woods before, so they didn’t know what to expect or what to look for. The unicorn stopped at a large boulder sticking into the hillside.

  “Are you sure this is it?” Alex asked.

  Cornelius nodded, but even the unicorn was baffled. Jack and Goldilocks had left him near the cave in case the twins returned, knowing his magic horn would guide them to their new location, but they didn’t give him any instructions for what to do once they got there.

  “It must be some kind of secret entrance,” Conner said.

  The twins climbed down off Cornelius and inspected the boulder. They knocked on it as if it were a door, but nothing happened. Alex tried using magic to move it aside, but the boulder didn’t move.

  “There must be a spell keeping it in place,” Alex said. “Hagetta must have charmed it to keep intruders out. It must need some sort of password.”

  “It doesn’t need a password, it needs a whistle,” said a voice behind the twins.

  Alex and Conner turned and saw Rook Robins standing on a hill nearby. Given their history, the twins weren’t overjoyed to see him, but it was nice to see a familiar face nonetheless.

  “Rook, it’s good to see you!” Alex said. “Do you know where we are?”

  “We’re in the West Hills of the Dwarf Forests,” Rook said. “Jack, Goldilocks, and all the others are hiding in an abandoned mine on the other side of that boulder.”

  “Do you know how to get inside?” Conner asked.

  “Only a special birdcall will open it,” Rook said. “But I know another way in. There’s a tunnel on the other side of the hills—it’s how I got out. Follow me!”

  Alex and Conner still had reservations about trusting Rook, but they didn’t have another choice. The twins and the unicorn followed him over the hills to a small tunnel whose entrance was camouflaged in the hillside. Rook held back cobwebs like a curtain and escorted Alex, Conner, and Cornelius inside.

  Rook had to give the unicorn a big push to squeeze him through the narrow entrance. The tunnel was very long and dark, but thanks to Cornelius’s glowing horn, they could see where they were going.

  “Do you know why they changed locations?” Alex asked Rook.

  “The cave became really crowded after Jack and Goldilocks started rescuing refugees,” Rook explained. “My village was among the first they saved from the Literary Army. They’ve been retrieving people when and where they can, but it’s been more difficult since the Masked Man rounded up all the citizens and put them in the lake. The royal families were the last to arrive—Jack and Goldilocks barely saved them from being executed.”

  Knowing the royals were safe felt like a giant weight was being lifted off the twins’ shoulders. They sighed with relief and walked a little taller.

  “Where is the Masked Man?” Alex asked. “We didn’t see him with the villains at the Northern Palace.”

  “You haven’t heard?” Rook asked.

  “We haven’t been around in a while,” Conner said. “What happened?”

  “The Masked Man is dead,” he said. “The villains took over and had him killed.”

  The news made Alex and Conner stop in their tracks.

  “Well, that’s… something,” Conner said, and shared a look with his sister.

  A person they hated and felt so much anger toward was gone, but on the other hand, a family member was dead. The strangest part was not feeling any grief whatsoever for him.

  After thinking about it, they realized the loss didn’t really change a thing. The face and name they were fighting against may have changed, but their mission was still the same. Hopefully the battle ahead would be easier without him. Perhaps this meant the Literary Army would implode like a circus without a ringleader.

  “Everyone is going to be thrilled to see you,” Rook said. “How have you been?”

  He unintentionally directed the question at Alex, and her brother suddenly felt like a third wheel. As uncomfortable as it made Conner, it was nothing compared to how Alex felt.

  “We’ve been busy,” Alex said. “My brother and I are recruiting an army to help us fight the villains.”

  “I know I’m still earning your trust back, but let me know if I can help,” Rook said.

  Alex kept trying to incorporate her brother into the conversation to make it less awkward, but Conner wanted nothing to do with it.

  “Thank you, but I think we’ve got it under control,” Alex said. “And for the record, we do trust you.”

  Rook smiled at her, but there was sadness in his eyes. Obviously, he was hoping to regain a lot more than trust. When Alex didn’t smile back, the rest of Rook’s face matched his eyes. They continued on through the tunnel, walking in a silence that said a thousand words.

  The worst part about life in the abandoned mine was the constant waiting. It might have been easier if the refugees had an indication of what they were waiting for, but with each passing day, there was no good or bad news to share. They were becoming so restless that any information would have been better than none at all.

  To pass the time, the refugees formed a little academy within the mine and taught one another different skills. Jack and the Tin Woodman taught the villagers how to sculpt using their axes. Soon, there wasn’t a stalagmite in the mine that hadn’t been carved into a squirrel, a beanstalk, a tower, or a mermaid.

  Robin Hood and the Merry Men gave the queens archery and sword-throwing lessons. The Sherwood natives became a little invasive of the queens’ personal space while showing them how to improve their form and received dirty looks from the kings.

  Red’s granny and the Old Woman from the Shoe Inn kept the kings and soldiers busy with sewing lessons. After a few days, the men had produced their first quilt and proudly hung it on display for the rest of the mine to see it.

  “Remember, any man can shape a nation with a crown, but it takes a real man to start a quilt from a thread,” Granny said.

  Trollbella tried to teach Peter Pan and the Lost Boys to dance, but they weren’t enthusiastic students. It didn’t matter how many times she went over the steps of her routine, the boys only goofed off and teased one another.

  “I don’t know how to be more clear with you,” Trollbella said. “It’s step-touch, step-touch, kick-ball-change, reach to the right, reach to the left, kick-ball-change, shimmy to the front, shimmy to the back, pirouette, and pose! There’s no nose-picking, pants-dropping, eye-poking, or tongue-showing in any of my choreography!”

  Peter made a funny face at the troll queen behind her back. All the Lost Boys laughed, and she turned around just in time to see it. When Trollbella had first laid eyes on the Boy Who Never Grew Up, she was completely smitten, but the more his true colors showed, the more she disliked him; he was all sparkle and no substance.

  The troll queen figured it was time to break the news to him. She looked Peter Pan directly in the eye and caressed his face.

  “I had such high hopes for us, but I’m afraid it’s not going to work out,” Trollbella said.

  She covered Peter’s m
outh to silence his protest, even though he didn’t try to argue.

  “We simply have different needs,” Trollbella explained. “I’m looking for romantic strolls—you need a stroller. I’m looking for love and lust—you need a leash. I’m looking for a Butterboy—you’re just a Buttertoy. Let’s part as friends.”

  Trollbella sauntered away from Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. The boys exchanged puzzled looks, not sure if that was part of the dance lesson or not.

  Goldilocks lay in the corner of the mine using Lester as a pillow and Clawdius as a footstool. The expectant mother was overdue and very eager to deliver the baby. Her backaches and irritability increased every day. Jack had to take all sharp objects away from her so she wouldn’t have anything to throw during a mood swing.

  Hagetta boiled some herbs in her cauldron and gave the concoction to Goldilocks for the pain. The Traveling Tradesman dangled a triangular stone on a string over her pregnant belly and studied the movement very closely. Red watched the Tradesman like he was a lunatic.

  “What are you doing?” Red asked.

  “I’m predicting the child’s gender,” the Traveling Tradesman said. “If the stone swings in a circle, it’s a girl. If it moves back and forth, it’s a boy.”

  “And what if it gets ripped out of your hand and thrown across the mine?” Red asked.

  “It’s all right. I already know it’s going to be a boy,” Goldilocks said.

  “How could you possibly know that?” Red asked.

  “Mother’s intuition,” Goldilocks said. “It’s the one perk that comes with the bloating, the back pain, and the unstable emotions.”

  “A niece would be better for me,” Red said. “I could dress her up in little dresses, apply blush to her tiny cheeks, and put dainty bows in her hair! I suppose I could do that with a nephew, too, but he might resent me for it later.”

  Goldilocks rolled her eyes. “Your request has been submitted,” she said.

  Red grabbed the string of the Tradesman’s triangular stone and forced it to swing in a circle above Goldilocks’s stomach, as if that would do the trick.

  “Have you chosen a name yet?” Hagetta asked.

  “Not yet,” Goldilocks said. “I want his name to be special, I want it to mean something and inspire him for his whole life.”

  “You know, Red works for both a boy and a girl,” Red said. “And I happen to be a very special, meaningful, and inspiring person.”

  Goldilocks cringed at the thought of bringing another Red into the world.

  “Absolutely not,” she said. “I want it to be original and freeing, like River or Robin or—Alex and Conner!”

  Red scrunched her nose and crossed her arms. “How are Alex or Conner original and freeing?”

  “No—Alex and Conner are here!” Goldilocks yelled. “Look over there!”

  Goldilocks sat up and pointed to the back of the mine. Everyone went dead silent and turned toward where she was pointing. When they saw Alex and Conner entering with Rook and Cornelius, the refugees burst into cheers and the mine vibrated with joy. Although it hadn’t been too long since they’d seen most of them, the twins felt like they were walking into a reunion. Their friends surrounded them and stood in lines to embrace them. There were so many familiar faces they weren’t expecting to see, they didn’t know who to say hello to first. Everyone looked more tired, thinner, and paler than before. Living in the mine had worn them down.

  “It’s so wonderful to see you!” Alex said.

  “Goldilocks, you look like you’re about to explode!” Conner said.

  “From your mouth to God’s ears,” Goldilocks said.

  “Are you guys doing okay?” Alex asked. “Is everyone healthy and unharmed?”

  “We’re taking it one day at a time,” Jack said. “How are you two? Where have you been?”

  Alex and Conner shared a smile, knowing their news would excite them.

  “We’ve been in the Otherworld recruiting an army to fight the literary villains,” Conner announced.

  “That’s terrific!” the Tin Woodman said. “What kind of army?”

  “An army of my characters,” Conner said. “We’ve used the Portal Potion on my short stories from school. So far we’ve enlisted pirates, sailors, and Cyborgs—I’ll explain what those are later.”

  All the refugees turned to the Traveling Tradesman. The old geezer crossed his arms, leaned on a stalagmite, and glared at the others with a look that said I told you so!

  “That’s the best news we’ve heard in ages,” Sir Lampton said. “How soon until it’s ready for battle?”

  “It won’t be long,” Alex said. “We just have two more stops and the army will be complete.”

  “DID YOU HEAR THAT, MEN?” Robin Hood asked the Merry Men. “SOON WE SHALL BE OUT OF THE SHADOWS OF SOLITUDE AND UNDER THE SUNLIGHT OF WAR! HOW MARVELOUS!”

  Red pushed past the villagers, animals, and other royals to get closer to the twins. “Excuse me, pardon me, a real friend coming through,” she said. “Alex and Conner, it’s so lovely to see you’re all right!” She suddenly grabbed them both by the shirt and looked frantically into their eyes. “You’ve got to get me out of here! There are peasants, animals, and men who talk to marbles! And Charlie isn’t here to calm me down!”

  The twins gently removed her hands from their clothes and took a step away.

  “That’s actually why we’re here,” Conner said. “Our mom and stepdad are watching my characters for us while we recruit others, but they need a hand. We were hoping a few of you could come back with us to help them supervise. There are more characters than they can handle.”

  “How many people do you need?” Jack asked.

  Alex and Conner looked around the mine. Red wasn’t the only one who looked desperate for a break. The twins would have a hard time refusing anyone’s help.

  “The more the merrier,” Conner said. “But let’s hurry. The people in this world need us.”

  Alex set the storybook on the ground and opened the cover. The beam of light was the brightest thing many of the refugees had seen in days and they shielded their eyes from it.

  Before Conner could even explain where they were going, Red ran into the beam of light and disappeared from the mine. She was followed by Clawdius, Jack and Goldilocks, Robin Hood and the Merry Men, Lester and the Tin Woodman, and Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. Conner had lost count of how many people were traveling into the Otherworld when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

  “You’ve come back for me, Butterboy,” Trollbella said. “I don’t know why I worried so. You’ve never let me down before. I know the pain of being away from each other can be overwhelming, so please don’t waste your energy with a personal request for me to accompany you—I’d be delighted to visit the Otherworld!”

  Before Conner could stop her, Trollbella ran into the beam of light with the others.

  “Okay, we’ve definitely got enough help,” Conner said. “We should get back and finish recruiting the army. If any of you need us, we’ll just be on the other side of this beam.”

  “We’ll stay behind and look after the others,” Sir Lampton said.

  “Thank you,” Alex said. “We’ll be back soon with help. Everyone stay safe!”

  The twins stepped through the beam of light and returned to the Otherworld. Sir Lampton, Sir Grant, Hagetta, the Traveling Tradesman, Rook, Cornelius, Red’s granny, the Old Woman from the Shoe Inn, the royal families, the villagers, and all the animals lowered their heads in a moment of silence. They all collectively said a prayer for the twins’ success to continue and for them to be able to form an army to save the fairy-tale world.

  Unfortunately for the occupants that remained, their quiet moment was interrupted by another unexpected visitor. Unbeknownst to Alex and Conner, they had been followed through the Dwarf Forests and into the secret tunnel.

  The refugees saw something moving in the back of the mine. They heard hissing and rattling coming from a large silhouette.

&n
bsp; “What was that?” Sir Grant asked.

  The soldiers drew their swords and walked toward the sounds as a pair of bright red eyes glowed from the shadows. All the refugees froze where they stood, but they were frozen by much more than fear.…

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  SAINT ANDREW’S CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL

  It took five trips in each of Charlotte’s and Bob’s cars to transport the characters from “Starboardia” to Saint Andrew’s Children’s Hospital. They covered each pirate and sailor in scrubs and medical masks and quickly escorted them through the hospital to the empty commissary in the brand-new wing.

  It would have been simpler if the Dolly Llama crew weren’t such a curious bunch. They pocketed medical supplies as they passed unoccupied countertops, snuck charts off hospital-room doors, and stole pens out of the lapels of unobservant physicians. By the time they reached the commissary, the pirates’ pockets were full of scissors, Band-Aids, and medical tape, and a few of them wore bedpans as hats.

  The commissary was a wide and colorful room. It had dozens of tables, hundreds of chairs, adjoining bathrooms, and a large, never-been-used kitchen. It was the perfect place for temporarily hosting Conner’s characters.

  Ironically, the commissary had been decorated with a classic storybook theme. The walls were covered with murals of Alex and Conner’s friends, and the support beams had been painted to look like book spines.

  Anticipating her children’s return from the fairy-tale world, Charlotte had cleared a space in the corner of the commissary and placed the Land of Stories book and Conner’s binder of short stories on the floor. Once all the characters from “Starboardia” had been successfully escorted inside, the emerald storybook flipped open and the beam of light appeared.

  Red ran out of the beam like a bull released from a pen and looked around the commissary. She sighed with relief and stretched her arms out.

  “Thank God,” she said. “I’m indoors!”

  “Hi, Red!” Charlotte said. “Long time no see!”

  Without even making eye contact with the twins’ mother or the Dolly Llama crew, Red ran to the window and yanked the blinds open. Rays of sunlight shined inside and Red blissfully spun in them.