Essence

by Mandi Lynn

  As I leave, she looks at me one last time and smiles, finally relieved that I’m not gone forever.

  Chapter 13

  A Lost Father

  “Emma?” Eliza comes from the thick trees that line the lagoon. She steps away and into the sunlight that shines through between the tall greens. “Could she see you?” She’s apprehensive as she speaks, seeing something in my face but not knowing entirely what it is.

  I smile. “Yeah, she could.”

  She’s thoughtful for a few seconds, processing what this means. Then the question comes that I was waiting for. “Did you tell her to forget?”

  “No,” I say. “I can’t do that to my mom. Not after everything she’s been through. I’m not going to make her learn her only daughter is dead all over again.”

  Something ignites within Eliza, and it’s as if I can see her eyes ablaze with a hidden passion, but she still manages to hide most of the anger as she speaks in a low tone. “What did you do?”

  “I told her.”

  I expected her to lash out at me, but she’s brought to utter silence. Eliza stares at me, completely bewildered, her jaw held open waiting to form words. “Emma!” she finally says. She speaks to me like a toddler who is picking up something that could hurt me.

  “Eliza, you’re not the one who has to watch their mom fall apart over their death.” My voice sounds more like a whine when the words come, but it doesn’t matter. What I said means something to Eliza, and it hit a nerve.

  “Don’t you dare say that,” she says, her shock again to be replaced with anger. “You’re lucky to have a mother that cares enough to show that emotion. She’s not afraid to show that kind of weakness. You should be honored.”

  Eliza walks away, pulling her arms around her torso. She follows a path that leads away from the lagoon and toward a nearby waterfall that is within earshot.

  “Eliza!” I shout out her name, demanding her to stop.

  She turns to face me quickly, exposing her face that is contorted by the emotions of pain and fear. “Did you tell her that you’re an Essence?” Her arms are still wrapped around her; she just seems so frail and vulnerable.

  “She doesn’t know what it means exactly,” I say, mesmerized my Eliza’s raw emotion.

  She takes a deep breath, growing inpatient. “Does she know of Phantom Lagoon?”

  “No.” The word is a whisper, and from the distance between us, I wasn’t sure if Eliza even heard, but she nods and continues to walk away.

  “She won’t tell anyone,” I say, mostly to myself.

  “That’s not the point! She has free will, Emma. She’s human!” Eliza shouts to me, but neither stops nor turns to look at me.

  H

  I approach at a slow pace, but the sound of my steps seems deafening. I know my cover has been blown once my foot catches on a tree root that shoots out from the ground. A few feet away Eliza sits on a boulder facing the waterfall that cascades down from a small cliff on the side of the mountain.

  “I’m sorry.” Her voice quivers as she says the words. I travel the last of the distance between us and join her on the large rock that is just shy of making contact with the water that streams around us.

  I turn to Eliza, but she refuses to look at me. Instead she chooses to face forward, not really seeing anything but maintaining an unending gaze.

  “What you did today…it’s the same thing my father did,” she finally says, a coy smile playing across her face, yet it manages to disappear just as quickly as it came.

  “What do you mean?”

  She takes a breath, her body shaking in the process. “How you told your mom, because you knew that she wasn’t going to accept you as being gone. Well…that’s the same thing my father had done.” Her eyes light up for a moment. “My father died when I was fourteen. My mother and I came home one day, and he didn’t. We waited and waited, but he never came back. We called the police, and they started searching. Nothing.”

  Eliza looks like she is struggling to speak, her hands fidgeting with her words, but she continues. “Soon everyone gave up hope and started to accept that my father was dead. My mother and I never stopped searching for him. Until later.”

  She stops and closes her eyes, like she’s trying to find the strength to continue her story. She reflexively wipes her eyes before continuing. “The police came to our house with evidence. They had found a car on the side of the street. It was my father’s. There was no sign that he had been there in days, but there was a trail near the road. My father hunts in forests all the time. He loved to hunt.

  “The police followed the trail and found what they were looking for. They showed my mother the pictures of what they had found that day. By that time, my mother had already lost all hope, so it wasn’t as hard for her. I wouldn’t accept it though. I remember running up to my room that night, screaming to have my father back. I didn’t eat. I didn’t do anything. My mother called in doctors to come help me.

  “My mother told me that she was going to send me to a ‘camp.’ Somewhere I could forget about what had happened and have fun. I told her that I wouldn’t go, and that someday I would get better. She said that I had to, that it would be good for me. The next day before my mom came home from work, I ran away. I didn’t want to live anymore. I found the spot where my father’s car had been and followed the trail the police had traced, and found where my father’s body had been.” Eliza pauses again, taking a deep breath—remembering.

  “At that moment I could sense something. I could feel my father. At first I thought it was because I was where he had died, but later I found out otherwise. It was my father. He was there watching me, protecting me. Then I heard him.

  “‘Go back home,’ he had commanded. I felt myself jolt backward unintentionally. I know now that my father had been haunting me. I didn’t want to leave, not when I could be with him.

  “‘Go back home, Eliza!’ he had commanded again. That time I didn’t move, but I knew it was my father talking.

  “‘Daddy?’ I had asked aloud. Everything was silent after that. I couldn’t feel my father’s presence anymore, and it crushed me.

  “It was getting dark, and I was tired, so I just lay on the ground—I was beyond caring. I woke up in the middle of the night in a police car. The next day my mother punished me and said I was leaving for camp in the morning. I went on strike by locking myself in my room. I didn’t eat or drink anything. I knew it was useless. There was no solution. My mother was pounding on my door, trying to convince me to come out. I was in my room for hours, refusing to leave for anything. I kept my lights off and windows closed, there in my own darkness.” Eliza looks to the sky, expecting to see something. She seems entranced in her world, seemingly trapped there in her own torture, as she stares into the night sky. After a few seconds she sighs and continues.

  “Then it happened again. I could sense my father’s presence.” She smiles at the simple memory.

  “‘Go see your mother, Eliza. Go eat.’

  “‘Daddy?’ I had asked again. I expected my father to disappear like the day before, but to my surprise he stayed, so I asked again.

  “‘Daddy, is that you?’ I waited and finally he answered.

  “‘Yes.’

  “I asked him where he had gone, and he said he couldn’t answer. He said that it was a secret. That no one else could know about him, not even my mother. He told me to be brave and that everything was going to be okay.

  “Things were different after that. My father came every day to make sure I was okay, which I was. I was okay—but that’s all—not happy, but not sad either. I told myself I could survive this. But my family was torn after my father’s death. My mother had eventually started dating again, and she was now working two jobs. I never got to see her much anymore. This is how it went for a few weeks, my father visiting me in secret and my mother working. Whenever my father wasn’t around, I was alone. It felt like I was the only one in the world, and it scared me. I didn’t know what to do
with myself. My father always had to leave at night. He wouldn’t tell me why.

  “One night after my father left, I couldn’t sit still. My mother was working her night shift, so I was home alone. I went outside to get fresh air and go for a walk. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew that I wasn’t staying in the house. Eventually I came here. I don’t know how, but I did. I was at Phantom Lagoon. It was so beautiful the way the moon lit the entire forest. I could sense a presence, not just one, but many. I knew that this should have scared me, but it didn’t. One of the strongest senses was my father’s. Then I saw the stones in the water. They were so beautiful, it didn’t seem possible.

  “I was drawn to them, not like you were, Emma—I could’ve stopped if I wanted, but I didn’t. I had given up on life by then. So I picked one up, and when I woke up, I saw my father for the first time in months. I was so happy at the time, until I saw his face. He looked like he was in pain. I thought he would be happy that I was one of him now—an Essence! Then he told me what we were. It was my worst nightmare—to be here, never to die and move on. I had given up on life. I wanted it to end, but it was just the beginning. The beginning of an eternal life.

  “My mother found out about my death. She took it the same way as she did for my father’s—if not better. Out of everything that had happened to me, this is what set me off. I was mad at her for not crying for me. I wanted to haunt her and take revenge, but my dad told me that was wrong. When my mother was little, her father had abused her every time she showed weakness. My mother was hit every time she cried. Soon she showed no emotion; even if she wanted to. Now instead of crying, she just goes into solitude. She hides her pain from everyone including herself. I felt bad for ever being mad at her, but my father told me there was no way I could’ve known—my mother didn’t want me to know; she thought it was another sign of weakness.”

  A twinge of guilt eats away at me as I realize what Eliza had been talking about when she said I was lucky to have my mother care so much about me. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to pass and have my mom cruise through the event with ease. The feelings of abandon and neglect linger in my being just from thinking of what it must be like.

  “Eliza, I’m so sorry. I had no idea about your mom…” But she stops me before I can continue.

  “It’s not something you should have known. It’s okay to want to tell your mother. It’s because you love her,” she says, turning to face me for the first time since she started her story.

  I nod, understanding but also wanting her to continue.

  Her gaze rests on the space in front of her again. “After I became an Essence, everything was okay. My father and I could finally be together. It was like that for eight years. Then one day my mother went to the hospital, because she had been in a car accident. My father was gone the entire day, watching over her. I stayed here at Phantom Lagoon, because I couldn’t stand to see my mother like that—dying, surrounded by her own blood, knowing there was nothing I could do to help.

  “Later that day she passed away. I expected my father to come back, but he didn’t. I had lost him again. I hated myself for not going with him. My father disappeared, just like so many of us do.

  “After he disappeared, I wanted to forget everything and start over. But you never truly forget. I tried to disconnect myself. I dyed my hair red, because before I had dark brown hair, exactly like my father’s. Whenever I looked in a mirror, I would remember him—and it hurt. So I dyed my hair. I regret it now. That was the only connection I had left. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering what he looks like. But whenever I do,” Eliza says, fingering her necklace, warming it in her hand, “I just look to the Heavens and hope he’s there with my mother—even if I can’t join them. At least my true hair color made me feel a part of them, but I don’t anymore. As an Essence we don’t grow, so I can’t get my hair back to its original color. I could dye it again, but it’s not the same.”

  Eliza looks up at me, the pain written clearly across her face. Her greatest weakness is displayed in front of me, and she does nothing to hide it. In this state she appears as a completely different person.

  “Sometimes I just wish I could disappear too. Ever since my father left, I’ve been wishing this. I’ve waited so long for it to come true.” She puts her head into her hands and again starts to cry her tearless sobs.

  “Do you think that disappearing is the only way out of here?” I finally ask, once she calms down.

  “I don’t know. Some think that, if you save a life, it’s sort of a ticket out of here. That’s why I tried so hard to save you. I guess I’ll never know.” She shrugs, having given up on finding a way out. “But it’s not like when you disappear. When you disappear…you cease to exist.” Her mouth trembles the slightest bit. She clears her throat, shaking away any fear that has built inside her. “But saving a life could mean passing on. It could mean Heaven. We just can’t know.”

  “Has anyone ever saved a life and moved on?”

  “Maybe. If they did save someone’s life, they might have moved on, but none of us knows if it works.”

  Chapter 14

  Testing Limits

  Somewhere in the woods outside of Phantom Lagoon, I wander aimlessly. The summer air is moist, and my footsteps are quiet in the grass. The area is bright, lit by the sun, with thick greens hanging over like a natural canopy. The atmosphere is a personal sanctuary, but I can’t stop my mind from reeling with worry. Finally I succumb and kneel to the ground.

  The smell of moist dirt fills my nose, and I let it calm me.

  When I was little, my mom brought me to the beach one day instead of doing our usual homeschool studies. She used it as a field trip to learn about the different ecosystems of the ocean. That was the first day I saw a starfish. It was small, orange, and at that time, it was about the size of my hand—which would probably be just my palm now. I remember my mom when she found the starfish in one of the tide pools in the rocks.

  “Amelia, come look at this!” My chubby six-year-old legs carried me over in a rush, eager to see my mom’s discovery.

  Upon walking over, I saw the unidentified animal. To my eyes it was unreal. A star! An animal the shape of a star! It was a thing of dreams. “It’s so pretty, Mommy!”

  “It’s a starfish,” she told me, coaxing the little sea creature off the surface of a shell. “Here, hold out your hands.”

  I did so with the utmost care, laying my palms flat for the beautiful creature. My mom placed it in the center of my hand and kissed my forehead. “There’s a lot of little creatures like this in the tide pool, Amelia. You just have to find them.”

  The living star moved slightly in my hand, and I swear it glowed, but maybe it was my child eyes playing tricks on me.

  Then it dawned on me. “I need to put him in the water, Mommy, or he’ll die.” I rushed over to her, anxious not to hurt the creature that was more fairy tale than real. I held out my hands to my mom, offering her the starfish, so she could place him back in the water to live. “He’s a fishy. Without water he’ll die. Hurry!”

  My mom bent down to take the starfish, but she didn’t put him back. I remember this aggravating me. She was going to let the magical fish die.

  “No, it’s not that kind of fish. He can’t swim, but he does live in the water,” she told me.

  “But how does he move?”

  She smiled, pointing to one of the five points of the starfish. “Those. On the bottom there are little things that act like feet. There are hundreds of them that help to carry the starfish where he needs to go. He’s slow, so if you watch him, it won’t seem like he’s moving.”

  “Oh.” That’s all I could come up with. How could a thing that small have hundreds of feet? I was bigger than the starfish, and I only had two feet. “How does he find his family if he’s slow?”

  My mom smiled at me and returned the starfish to the water. “Sometimes the world just brings us together when we can’t do it ourselves.”

>   _________________

  Looking around the forest, I see how alone I am—more alone than I have ever been. There are no lost souls, no animals, no humans; nothing. Inside me I’m falling apart, coming unhinged. Everything that’s happened to me is out of the ordinary. I try to think of what a strong person might do, but I can’t. The thing is, this is something that very few people go through, and those who do are an Essence. They can’t share their stories of how they got through the rough times and came out on top. The truth is that I don’t think there’s a top. As an Essence, we’re just here. There’s no real meaning to our existence.

  That’s when I hear the laughing.

  The laughing from a child, so innocent and small, nothing more to worry about in life than getting that one toy.

  I follow the sound, looking for the little piece of joy. The closer I come, the more I can hear. The parents, also laughing, are calling out to someone named Kenzie.

  Coming across an opening in the trees, I make sure I’m hidden. I look around and see several campers and RVs. There’s a little girl with blond ringlets; she is so small and fragile, but looks like she can take on the world. She’s running around in circles, tripping multiple times, while her parents chase her. The girl looks to be around the age of three.

  I come in closer but remain unseen in front of a bush. It feels as if I’m watching a lost home video. Something ignites in me, and I instantly feel warmer as I watch this young family.

  “I’m gonna get you!” yells the mom as she lunges toward Kenzie.

  The dad is standing behind a bush, waiting to pounce at the right moment, like a cat hunting prey. The mom forces Kenzie to run in front of that bush, and the dad attacks. He springs at her, holding her down, and she giggles as the mom starts to tickle her. Kenzie’s giggling gets so loud it turns into screaming.

  “Stop! Stop! I gotta go pee!” she says in between her laughing. The dad releases his hold and starts laughing even harder as the mom runs Kenzie to the bathroom before it’s too late.