Essence

by Mandi Lynn

  After a few minutes of waiting, the mom returns with Kenzie. They are laughing and having fun.

  I can picture myself joining them, a big sister playing with Kenzie. I want to be a part of their family, but there is no room for me. Jealousy consumes me as they laugh in their carefree world. How easily humans can forget how lucky they are. Their world could be stripped away at any moment, but here they are running wild.

  The mother leaves after a while to make food in their RV. About twenty minutes later she announces that their meal is ready.

  Kenzie and her dad go into the RV for dinner. Only then do I notice that it is getting dark; the sky is orange and purple, pink shades in between. I decide to stay, not as an attempt at suicide—I can’t do that to my mom—but as an experiment. No one knows what happens when you disappear or how far you can push your boundaries before your soul leaves the Earth for what can only be thought of as forever.

  As the family eats at the picnic table, I watch the sun go down through the trees, the last of the rays licking at the branches, leaving the forest to glow with an orange hue. I find myself monitoring my breathing more. I have to concentrate in order to inhale normally. As it gets darker, my breathing turns into gasping. The cord around my neck grows heavy, and the stone hangs like the weight of the world. It becomes hard to stay hidden in the trees as my breathing becomes louder, so I have to back away a few paces, the rustle of brush only a slight mask to my struggles for air.

  “Campfire! Campfire!” Kenzie starts to run in circles again while her dad makes the fire. In the dark, from my distance I can see him lighting matches, and putting paper and dry pine in the fire pit. From inside the RV, I can see the mom tending to the dishes at the sink near the window, while she watches her husband and daughter.

  I back up more, as I begin to feel as if I’m being crushed. Without knowing it, I begin to lower to the ground until my back is to a tree. The familiar scent of the moist, mossy bark does little as my mind is losing its hold on the world. The small contact as my torso touches the ground makes me lose control, and I let out a scream. It’s quick, but full of enough fear and pain to attract attention.

  Kenzie locks gazes with me as I fall to the ground, clamping my mouth shut. Her dad also hears the scream but can’t locate its origin. I know Kenzie can see me as I sit, my entire body bracing for oncoming danger, but I also know that Kenzie’s family heard the scream.

  It feels like someone is holding me down, hanging a knife above me as a threat of what is to come. My scream is muffled by my hand covering my mouth, but it can be heard if someone listens. Kenzie’s expression tells me that she can hear me. She gazes at me from between the trees. In my throat my voice is strong, but the only sound that comes is a quiet whine. Closing my eyes, I lose my breath. The cord around my neck grows heavier, until I can’t receive any air. My vision blurs, just as it had when I was human and my other half had been calling me to Phantom Lagoon. It’s happening all over again. Just like in the NICU, it’s as if the umbilical cord is tight around my neck. The only thing left for me to do is wait for the doctors. But there are none here for me. Instead I lay in the forest, a victim of my own decision.

  I know that I should be running to the safety of Phantom Lagoon, but I can’t break the hold of Kenzie’s eyes. She looks at me, not with fear, but worry. She turns to her parents for a moment, seeing their attention is occupied somewhere else, and sets her pace as she comes toward me. I force myself to remain quiet, as I dig my fingers into the ground.

  I have no desire to leave for safety, feeling the pain consume me. At some point I tell myself that this is okay; maybe it’s for the best. But my mom’s face enters my mind. I see her on our last camping trip together. It was when we were a whole family. My soul was threatening to take me away to the forest, but even with the danger looming behind my back, I could enjoy that time with my family. I remember the cold water that I had jumped into—it felt like needles going into my skin, but it’s nothing compared to what I feel now.

  My fingers go to my neck looking for my stone, following the choking sensation that lingers on my throat. Panic sets in when I realize my stone has disappeared. My soul is gone, and I’m next. My neck is unadorned except for the pressure bringing me closer to the ground as I lose my bearings.

  Kenzie is still walking toward me when I break into a run. There’s a quick glimpse of her face, fear from my sudden movement as I jump up. She stops at the edge of the forest, right before the trees grow dense. I stumble over roots and rocks, make mistakes, wrong turns, and fall into small rivers and streams. The water soaks my clothing, making it heavier as my run slows to a walk full of wasted energy.

  Still I run even faster, forgetting the hurt, the pain; only that I need to survive. Not for myself but for my mom. My life matters very little, but I can’t leave thinking that my mom will slip into a world of sorrow over my death. The closer I come to Phantom Lagoon, the easier it is to breathe. Although the crushing weight around my throat never lets up, I find the strength to go on, to find a reason.

  I’m surprised at how fast I’m able to get back. Familiar trees and landmarks begin to appear, showing me the way to safety. I run even faster, faster than I could’ve imagined.

  With the new adrenaline, I start a hysterical laughter. It could’ve been a near-death experience, but here I am, laughing like it’s nothing more than a race home with friends. I feel so free, like nothing matters; that running can solve all the problems in the world.

  I plow through the fence of trees that are around Phantom Lagoon and fall to the ground. My senses pound around me, and the world spins in a sense of vertigo. Everyone stares as I lay in the dirt, still partially laughing. Eliza is the first to approach me.

  “Emma! Are you okay?” she screams, almost, as she scans me for any sign of injury.

  With a cough, only a single word forms with my voice. “Wow.”

  Chapter 15

  The Truth

  “You’re so stupid! I can’t believe you almost got yourself killed! Do you know how close you came to being dead for good today?”

  Eliza has been going on ever since I got back, and she shows no signs of letting up.

  “Emma! Look at me! Do you want to die? You went out of your way to make sure your mom knew you were alive, and now you go out and almost get yourself killed!”

  I sigh, knowing it’s useless to explain; she won’t listen anyway. “Eliza, I wasn’t trying to get myself killed. I was just trying to…change things,” I mumble under my breath, hoping she doesn’t hear the last part.

  “What are you talking about?” Eliza asks, looking directly at me.

  “I just needed to get away and understand things, okay? That’s it. I went too far, and when the sun went down, I started to run back.”

  She lowers her voice, but stays stern. “Emma, tell me the truth. What were you doing out there?” The question is simple, but her eyes tell me a different story.

  “I’m sorry,” I say. ”I didn’t mean for anything to happen. I just wanted to see how far I could go.”

  “And then what?”

  Die? Maybe I would have been lucky enough to move on.

  She looks at me, waiting for an answer I won’t give—not with everyone in the lagoon watching us. I avoid Eliza’s gaze and stare at everyone else instead. When I make eye contact with them, they look away, but only temporarily, until they turn back to watch.

  “Emma, come with me.” She doesn’t give me a chance to respond. She takes me by the arm, moving toward the cave behind the pool of rocks.

  “Why are you taking me here?” I ask, trailing behind. I try to drag my feet, but she just tugs my arm harder.

  “Because nobody goes here.”

  I start to pull in the opposite direction. “Eliza, please. I can’t look at what’s in there. Can’t we go somewhere else?”

  “Not if you want to be alone,” she says with one final step into the cave. I continue to try to escape, but Eliza has a good grip on me.


  The crystal lining the walls shimmers at the momentary sunlight and distracts from the bodies within, but when the ferns fall over the entrance, they close us off. Inside the cave it’s dark; but everywhere I look, there are faces of the dead. Having lived in Phantom Lagoon for a while, I can recognize some of the faces, sharing the same unchanged qualities, forever preserved in this cave. My breathing echoes and travels down the expanse of rock and crystal. Eliza guides me deeper into the cave. We make a different turn in the path, away from where Eliza’s body is hidden in an endless sleep. In front of us there is a small trickle of water as we round a corner and come to a small pool where the cave stops. It’s a dead end, but water flows from cracks in the walls into a pocket of water only a few feet wide. Eliza lets go of me, and I stay where I am.

  “I come here sometimes when I really need to be alone. Nobody else likes to make the trip—not if they have to walk past their own pale faces.” Eliza sits down, and I see the ground has changed to a soft white powder at the edge of the water. She dips her hands in the pool, making ripples with her fingers.

  I lean on the wall closest to her and sit down, but I stay away from the water. It looks like liquid crystal and is thicker than water as Eliza runs her hand through it.

  “It’s not a liquid. Nobody knows what it is. It’s just one of Phantom Lagoon’s wonders.”

  It’s amazing how she looks at Phantom Lagoon. It’s caused her so much pain, but she still thinks it’s beautiful.

  “You can tell me what happened today, Emma. I’m not going to judge you. The first days here are the hardest. You try your best to do what’s right, but everyone still gives you a hard time about it. It’s like high school.”

  “I guess that’s one way to put it,” I mumble. But she’s right; it is just like high school.

  “Emma, I don’t want you to kill yourself.”

  I sigh, hearing the words I knew Eliza was trying to express earlier. “I’m not trying to kill myself.”

  “If that’s what you want to tell yourself, then go ahead, but I know you better than you think, Emma. I can see the pain in your eyes. I know what it’s like. I’ve been in same position before.”

  “Really?”

  “Not anymore, but after my father disappeared from Phantom Lagoon…it was hard. After that I knew he was truly gone, and when I found out my mother had died the same day—it was unbearable. I was alone, and it felt like I was falling apart. I didn’t want to live anymore. Unlike you, I didn’t test my limits. I knew that my father wouldn’t want that. I did come close once. I was pretending to be human and went to the nearest city. It was stupid, really. I tried to get myself killed by walking in traffic, almost causing accidents. Then I realized that, in trying to kill myself, I might also kill others at the same time. I didn’t want that—to know that it was my fault that somebody else died because of me.”

  “Did you try other ways?” I ask. “Would it even work if we killed ourselves as if we were humans?”

  “I doubt it will work. I don’t even know why I tried,” Eliza whispers. She dries off her hands in the sand and folds her arms across her chest like she is cold.

  “So what did you do?” I ask.

  “I came back.”

  Eliza looks like she is losing control over her emotions. You can tell she still misses her family. Eliza is able to gain composure again and stares me straight in the eyes to make sure I’m listening.

  “Emma, everyone goes through this here. They might not want to admit it, but they do. When you arrive, your first instinct is to get out. You take the road of suicide. Nobody wants to live forever apart from those we love. Witnessing your family’s and friends’ reactions when they realize you’re dead, watching as they try to cope with the pain and loss, seeing your family and friends die years later, then knowing that you will never see them again, because you’re still stuck here on Earth.… It’s excruciating.”

  “Why do they all hate me so much, if they’ve done the same thing?”

  “They know the consequences of telling the secret. Some have done the same as you, just as my dad. Eventually they’ll follow you here and become part of this.” Eliza pauses and looks at the bodies that line the cave walls behind our backs. “It’s considered murder. There’s no stopping it once a human’s here. They will pick up a rock from the lagoon.” Eliza turns to face me, making sure she has my attention. “Emma, they’ll get over it eventually—the watching eyes will stop—but if your mom ever follows you here, it will get worse.”

  “Did they think of your father as a murderer when you followed him here?”

  “Yes,” Eliza whispers, almost too quiet to hear. “They wouldn’t even let me near him when I first came here. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine.”

  Eliza starts to walk away into a small tunnel that breaks off before the end of the cave. I follow, wanting to make sure she is okay. She crawls inside and kneels down next to a stone the size of her torso that looks like it has something carved into it.

  David Wingsett

  1935–1993

  A beloved father who never let go.

  “It’s not his real grave stone, just something I put here in memory of him. The date is when he disappeared from Phantom Lagoon.”

  I crawl in beside her; it’s tight but I see the grave that’s nothing more than carved stone. “I’m sorry, Eliza. I’ll make sure that my mom doesn’t follow me.”

  I sit next to her outside the tunnel where there is more room; we stay like that until neither of us can keep our eyes open any longer. Oddly I feel safe.

  Chapter 16

  Pink

  Eliza and I awaken to someone yelling and shaking us by the shoulders. “Get outside now! A human’s in Phantom Lagoon!” Opening my eyes, I see our messenger is a dark-haired boy, younger than me in his physical appearance but acting as if he had the higher authority. As Eliza stirs awake, the boy leaves the cave, running back outside.

  It takes me a moment to place what’s going on. Beside me Eliza struggles to her feet, still groggy from sleep. She runs out after the boy. Then the information sinks in. A human—in Phantom Lagoon. It could be anyone, but after Eliza’s story, I’m nearly convinced it’s my mom who maybe followed me into the forest, even after my warnings.

  I jump to my feet, stumbling most of the way over jutting rocks and loose sand. At the end of the cave I stop. Here in Phantom Lagoon lays a girl, golden ringlets saturated in water as she lies limp in the sand. Someone I don’t know drags her body from the lagoon and lifts her to position her small frame against a rock. The stranger walks away silently, letting others look at the small girl to see if anyone can make connections as to who she is. People shake their heads; the face is unfamiliar. But I know her. Her name is Kenzie.

  I step forward, lifting her head off the rock. Her face is perfectly unharmed, but it lies in a trance of sleep. “Kenzie, please, no, this can’t be happening.” This little girl, no more than a stranger to me, feels lifeless in my arms.

  Trying to remember anything I learned about first aid, I check her vital signs, trying to find a pulse. It’s there. A small, faint pulse of blood going through her body, but it’s there. I put my head near her face and feel her cool breath. She’s okay. Kenzie is still alive; her body is dead weight in my arms, but her vital signs are there.

  “You know her?” asks a voice. I turn, placing Kenzie back against the rock. It’s the boy that had woken me and Eliza. He looks ten, wearing old blue-jean overalls with a tan and dirty long-sleeved shirt underneath.

  “I was watching her family yesterday,” I say, looking back at Kenzie, seeing her chest rise and fall. She’s human, but it’s like I can see the life draining out of her. Kenzie’s pink. Flush cheeks fade away to a pale sick face, and she frowns even though she is in a sleep. It’s as if her spirit is aware that something is happening.

  “Did they see you?” he continues to question.

  I turn back to the boy. I’m not sure if it was the simple fact that I�
�m not a morning person or if it’s that the boy just doesn’t rub off on me well, but I can feel the anger build up inside me as he continues to speak.

  “Does it matter? She’s here now,” I say, trying to get him to either go away or help me keep Kenzie alive, as a human.

  I take her hand, being careful as I pry her fingers loose, checking her hands. They are empty. A smile crosses my face, the relief is overwhelming. I push her curls out of her face as they cling together in ringlets, because she had been in the lagoon’s water.

  “You’ll be okay,” I say, looking to the pool of water with the mirrored stones that chose to spare Kenzie.

  The boy steps into my line of view. “It’s too late. She already found one. It’s already turning her soul that color.” He says the blasé information so obvious to him, because he now holds the stone. I take it from him as he displays it, as if it’s some treasured prize. Whether I want to believe him or not, it was true; the mirror stone now held a pink hue.

  My heart drops.

  Kenzie. She’s so small and new to this world. She doesn’t deserve to take the form of an Essence. I hold the stone within my fingers like it’s my own, keeping it safe while the small stranger of a girl lies asleep, as she leaves her human life and enters this new forbidden world.

  I turn the stone around in my hand. “How do you determine soul color?” I ask, watching the color of Kenzie’s soul shine through the stone.

  “Don’t you know anything?” He starts laughing. In a way he reminds me of my little cousin. He’s ten, and this boy looks to be the same age—maybe younger. I can tell he won’t be helping me in any way—like my cousin, he is only concerned about himself.

  “Eliza?” I ask, turning to her, hoping I can gain helpful information.