by Blair Holden
He says all this as if he were recollecting a long-forgotten nightmare. His voice takes on an almost-distant quality, like it’s not something that happened to him but to someone else. He’s so haunted that I find myself swept up in that emotion.
“I’d been at the library all day, working on a paper. I didn’t remember the last time I’d slept or had a decent meal but I knew that I just had to get through the next few days and then I could breathe until midterms. This was before I surprised you on your first day in your apartment.”
I do the math and realize that the trouble with Melissa had begun right when he’d started school and I can’t believe that I never picked up on it. I try to wrack my brain for the details, to see if there’s any sign that I missed, but he’s such a great actor. He’s been hiding this part of his life as if who he is with me is completely detached from his life in Chicago. I always thought that school kept him really busy, that with the odd hours he worked during the weekend he’d barely have the time to have any kind of social life. I’d never been worried about there being another girl but I have worried about growing distant, not knowing what to talk about when our lives are completely different and just not being as close as we used to be. It was inevitable for the change to occur since we’d been living together for three years before this and our lives were so intertwined that I never saw it as my life or his life, it was always ours.
Now the reality sets in, that he certainly does have a life of his own that’s completed disconnected from me. I feel silly for so openly sharing each and every single detail about New York with him. I’m not being petty, given the circumstances, I don’t think it’s possible for me to be, but a large chunk of my time would be spent texting him, emailing him, telling him about my day and making sure he never missed out on anything. But clearly, he hasn’t reciprocated.
“Go on,” I prompt him.
“I came back home, dead on my feet and incapable of staying upright. I knew I wanted to check on Mel and Lainey and make sure Axel hadn’t come back.”
I shiver, even his name sounds evil.
“But I don’t think I even made it that far. I fell into bed and that was it. The next thing I knew, someone was banging on my door, yelling my name, and it didn’t take me long to figure out that it was a little girl.”
“Oh God.”
“I can’t forget the look on Lainey’s face, I don’t think I ever will. She was crying so hard she couldn’t breathe. I don’t even know how long she’d stood there beating on my door while Axel nearly beat her mom to death.” His voice hitches and it becomes obvious that he’s plagued by guilt, although he couldn’t have done anything to help Mel and Lainey. It’s not his fault that there are people in the world who’re born without a heart or a soul, people who find pleasure in someone else’s pain and people who deserve to be wiped out by the plague.
“I…I don’t know what to say. I had no idea.”
“It’s such an ugly situation and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I couldn’t bring any of that near you, couldn’t bear the thought of any of that darkness touching you.”
“Cole…” my voice cracks, “I love you. I’m not just with you for the good times. I want to be there for you through everything. God, imagining the things you’ve seen, the pain you’ve witnessed…I wish you’d told me. You didn’t have to do this alone, you could always have used more help with Melissa and that poor little girl.”
“Lainey’s a smart kid, or perhaps Mel told her what to do. She called 911 before coming to find me and by the time I’d peeled Axel off of Mel and held him down, the police had already shown up.”
“Tell me you didn’t do anything stupid.”
“I wanted to. I wanted to kill him for doing that to a woman. You should’ve seen her, Tessie, I thought Mel was dead. There was so much blood and she was barely breathing. He put her in the hospital for weeks. He doesn’t deserve to be alive right now, but he needed to be put behind bars and Mel deserved justice.”
“Of course she does; I’m glad you didn’t let your anger get the best of you. You did the right thing, if he’d continued to be a threat to Mel and Lainey then he belongs in prison.” I cross the distance between us until I’m nearly sitting in his lap.
He takes a deep breath. “I just can’t believe Mel still feels guilty, like she could have prevented the attack and provoking Axel even more.”
“But if the police saw what he did and if she testifies, along with you and Lainey, there’s no way he’d get out easily.”
“She’s thinking about not testifying…to protect Lainey. Axel’s a dangerous man with dangerous friends, apparently.”
“What!” I nearly yell because in my head I’d been picturing this man behind bars and getting nightly visits from a guy named Tiny Tim. Despite not knowing Melissa all that much, I wouldn’t wish what happened to her on my worst enemy. Her boyfriend deserves to rot in hell for what he’d put her and Lainey through, and I can’t believe that she’s thinking about possibly letting him get away.
Unless…
“She’s also doing this for you, isn’t she? To make sure you are protected as well?”
It feels as though he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders right now, that’s how defeated and sad he looks. This isn’t the Cole I know, and once again I’m left shell-shocked by just how great of an act he’s been putting on lately. It kills me to see him like this, so plagued by guilt and remorse.
“Hey, hey, look at me.” I cup his face in my hands and make him look me right in the eyes. “Talk to her, tell her she needs to be brave and that she won’t be doing her daughter or you any favors by helping that monster’s case. She needs to tell them all about the abuse.”
He doesn’t say anything but doesn’t break the eye contact either.
“You know why I was so pissed that you were at Mel’s apartment?”
“Because I upset her?” I feel horrible for it now, knowing her history, but did it warrant Cole’s reaction? I’m not sure, but what on earth do I know about this situation?
“God damn it, Tessie, of course that’s not it.” He pulls my hands up to his lips and holds them there. “You think I could ever be mad at you for something like that?”
“I made a mistake. It makes sense now.”
“No! That’s not why…” He shakes his head. “The fucker knows people and there’s been a few suspicious guys loitering outside. Until they go away, I’ve asked Mel to go stay at a friend’s and she’s getting ready to leave.” He sees the horrified expression on my face before continuing. “I’ve talked to the cops and they’re itching to throw these guys behind bars. But they’re smart, they know how to intimidate Mel or scare Lainey without making it too obvious. That’s what happened Thanksgiving weekend. One of Axel’s lackeys showed up at her mom’s trailer and Mel didn’t deal too well with it.”
“I can’t believe she’s got to go through so much. I can’t believe you’ve never told me this before. Cole, I don’t even know what to say right now.”
“Then let me talk because I should’ve told you all this long ago, never should have let it come between us. The reason I was so mad at you was because I couldn’t stand the thought of you being hurt and of me not being there. I saw you standing there, in the same spot where I found Mel, broken and bruised, and I think I died a little. It scared the fucking shit out of me when I’ve tried so hard to keep you safe. I can’t risk him being near you, I’ll never let that happen.”
“Oh my God, Cole. What have you gotten yourself into?”
I wrap my arms around him tightly and know that no matter what happens, I’ll never let go of him again.
***
First, I put Cole to bed because after getting all that weight off his chest, he desperately needs the rest. Then, I sit and I think. I’m glad that I packed my laptop because no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get my mind off the email I got earlier. Cole’s confession changes a lot of things but somehow, I end up reaching the same c
onclusion. I don’t know how he’ll react but as he sleeps, I think about my decision long and hard. I’ll give it a few days, maybe weeks, but I know what I want to do and even feel excited at the prospect. For the first time in a long time, I know I’ll be making a choice that’s solely for my own happiness. By the time it’s light outside and I wake up, curled in Cole’s arms, I tell him the rest of my plan.
“Talk to your dad, please.”
He’s not happy about it but he doesn’t argue either. I don’t understand why he didn’t do it in the first place. If anyone can help Cole figure out how to protect Mel and Lainey, it’s Sheriff Stone. Cole’s dad will have much the same concerns as I do, considering that Cole’s juvenile record is rather colorful, we don’t want him getting in any more trouble that could jeopardize his future. So I sit outside on the balcony, under a million warm layers, and drink my coffee as I hear Cole repeat the story he told me last night.
Knowing that someone as badass as my town’s sheriff is getting involved gives a sense of peace. Cole’s been doing all that he can to help and he’s gone above and beyond the role of a helpful neighbor, but it’s about time he lets someone else in.
“All done?” I ask him as he joins me on the balcony.
“Yeah, that was rough.”
“I bet he’s upset with you for not coming to him sooner, huh?”
“He called me a few names, nothing I haven’t heard before. But he also told me he’s proud of me for helping Mel out.” There’s a small smile on his face, the first I’ve seen all day, and perhaps that’s a good sign. So I take the opportunity to ask some questions that I’d been wanting to since last night.
“Has Melissa tried seeing someone, you know, perhaps a therapist, to talk about what she went through?”
Clearly, after my encounter with her last night, I’ve realized that she’s still struggling with the awful things that she’s experienced. Not just her, but I can’t believe she hasn’t considered having someone talk to Lainey, because no child can witness her mother being subjected to so much physical abuse and come out of it without some damage. I’ve spent enough time with Cami to know that victims of domestic abuse, especially if children are involved, could only benefit from seeking therapy. I’d even been planning on calling her and asking if she could recommend a specialist, but of course, that’s not something I’d do without talking to the people involved.
Cole sighs, like it’s something he’s thought about and things obviously haven’t turned out the way he wanted.
“I knew she’d been affected since she started healing. It wasn’t something drastic because Mel’s never been mother of the year. She obviously had Lainey when she was young and unprepared, plus with a guy like Axel in the picture, there were bound to be problems. I could sense that Lainey wasn’t getting the love or attention that a kid needs at that age and tried to step in as much as I could.”
“You gave her that little purple desk, didn’t you?”
He seems surprised that I noticed. “Yeah, it was a birthday present. Christ, she was so happy, like I’d built her a life-size Barbie Dream House.”
That makes me smile. “Not that I can relate, and I’d never compare my situation to hers, but when you’re that little and don’t know much about what’s wrong with the adults in your life, it’s the small things that make all the difference. If she’s never known love from her parents, then you’ve just made her day by paying attention. From the little that I’ve seen of her, I know she hero-worships you, and that’s just because you made her feel like she matters and that someone cares about her. That means everything to a kid.”
He’s quiet and I want to know desperately what’s going through his head. Now that I have some idea of what he’s been going through alone, the need to make all his worries go away is almost instinctive and I wish he’d let me help him.
“Regretting not coming to me sooner?” I try to joke, but the look on his face is so serious that I’m taken aback.
“I had no idea what I was getting myself into, didn’t realize until I was all-in. One minute Mel and I are just neighbors and the next I’m buying her groceries and making sure her kid is fed. I didn’t know how to explain that to you, didn’t know how you would react.”
“I would’ve understood and would have tried to help you. You’re doing such a good thing here, but you have to know that you can’t do this on your own. You need to let other people help, professionals who know what they’re doing. The fact that those two are still living in the same space where they experienced so much pain is just…I would’ve moved out the minute I could if I were in Melissa’s shoes.”
“She kind of checked out after coming back from the hospital, especially when it came to Lainey. The number of times she forgot to pick her up from school, feed her, bathe her…it was getting ridiculous. I didn’t know what to do, but Mel’s mom got involved and really stepped up to the challenge. Lainey stays with her grandmother most nights and Mel keeps her when she can but they’ll both be moving soon. What the hell was I thinking trying to fix it all on my own? She needs help.”
“Does Melissa have a job? I saw all those bills, and if she’s still in shock or not quite over what happened to her, then I don’t understand how she’s still functioning.”
He’s quiet.
I get up from my seat and lean down on the floor, taking his hands in my own. “You’re supporting them, aren’t you? Paying for what they need?”
I’d suspected the level of his involvement, knowing how deep he’d gotten into it all, and now I know why he’s busting his ass, working odd hours when he doesn’t need to. I now know why he’s insisted on staying in this place, not moving to someplace better despite his family’s and my numerous pleas. Although I’d never directly voiced my concern, I’d hinted several times that he should move.
But he never did, and that’s because he’s so deep in someone else’s life. I love him for his kind heart and brave soul. I love that he’s so compassionate and considerate and that he’d go out of his way to help someone who desperately needed it. Heck, he did that for me, and I’ve always thanked my lucky stars that I found him. But we fell in love, and gratitude didn’t seem like the right emotion to have between us. Although I’d always be grateful toward him, it wasn’t the overwhelming emotion, instead a deep burning passion for him has taken its place. I’m not tied to him because he’s done me a service, I choose to stay because he’s the love of my life.
That, that moment of falling head over heels in love, isn’t happening here, and I’m worried about how deep Cole really is in right now.
“Tell me. I want to help you, please.”
“She works at an office, as a receptionist. It’s a seedy real estate agent’s office in a worse part of town, believe it or not. The first day she went back after recovering, a client tried to come on to her, not realizing that she wasn’t the biggest fan of being touched. I think it must have triggered the memory of Axel because she hit the guy in the head with a paperweight.”
I gasp, my hands flying up to my mouth.
“Obviously she was let go shortly after and hasn’t had any luck finding jobs after that. I’m helping her right now, but she’s promised to get back on her feet really quickly.”
Oh, if only it were that simple.
“That night at the hotel when you disappeared, that’s what you were doing then? Helping her out? Cole, you have to realize that—”
“I’m in over my head, I know that, but I can’t just leave her alone.”
“She doesn’t have to be alone, don’t you see that? There are other people who can help her, people whose job it is to do just that. I get that you’re trying to do the right thing, but don’t you think you’ve done enough?”
I’m as subtle as the front cover of a romance novel, just call me Fabio and get it over with.
There, I said it. I might have sounded like a selfish bitch, but someone needs to intervene, to make Cole see that Melissa and Lainey don’t have to be
only dependent on him and that he’s not the only one in the entire world who cares about them. I watch him nod begrudgingly, but I’m under no impression that he’ll give in easily. This situation has taken months to develop, months of him keeping it a secret, and he’s guarding it so closely that I know it’s hard for him to even share it with me.
But here’s the thing, I’ve learned from the best that sometimes, even if it takes time, you can’t stop trying to help the person you love. No matter how hard they resist, no matter the number of walls they put up to keep you out, the lies they tell, the hurt they throw your way, if you love them, then you keep trying. Eventually, with time and through a lot of effort, you’ll get through to them and it’ll be the most rewarding thing ever.
If Cole can be that person for me, if he’s somehow managed to sneak past all my defenses and change my life for the better, then this? This is nothing that I can’t take on.
Chapter Sixteen: You’ve Got the Tenacity of a Chihuahua
One Month Later
The holiday period really is the most wonderful time of the year, and although my family doesn’t have the best history of having the jolliest of Christmases, I like to think that this year we really turned things around. A lot of it could be credited to my absolute determination to not let anything get in the way of my plans as had happened during the engagement party from hell. I’d rallied the troops and everyone had been on their best behavior during the holiday season. Heck, even Jay’s stopped trying to find chances to goad Cole by telling him just how I like my chicken from Chick-fil-A and that really is a holiday miracle. In the long, detailed email that I’d sent out, I’d requested details of any psychotic exes who might try to pay a visit and I kid you not, the list was long.
Did I go so far as to hire private security? Not really. Did I bribe a bunch of high school wrestling champions to stand guard outside my house for a few extra bucks? Of course I did. Partly because of my efforts and because the Stones had realized that they needed to put their differences aside to help out their son, I could proudly say that we’ve had the most festive Christmas there ever could be. Another good thing to come out of it all is the fact that Cole got to be home for a good couple of weeks. Between finals and being there for Melissa and Lainey, the stress had really taken a toll on him. I’d needed to get his entire family involved because he deserved to be taken really good care of. Nana Stone had permanently moved in with her son and kept a close eye on Cole, which I’ll be incredibly thankful for in the future.
