Dead Inside

by Noelle Holten

  Be careful what you wish for, Maggie.

  CHAPTER NINETY-FIVE

  Lucy closed her eyes and took in the sound of the birds singing outside the cell window. If she shut the world out, she almost forgot where she was. Almost. A key turned in the lock and brought her back to reality.

  ‘Gather your things, Lucy – looks like you’re being released today.’ The guard smiled.

  ‘What?’ Lucy thought she must be dreaming. She pinched herself just to make sure.

  ‘This is no dream, Lucy. CPS have dropped the charges. Someone else has been arrested. Get your stuff.’

  She didn’t have to be asked twice. In a daze, she quickly gathered up what she could, the rest she left for anyone who wanted it. The less she took, the less she’d be reminded of the experience. The prison officer directed her to the reception, where an offender manager explained that she was being released. Someone else has confessed to the crime. Lucy’s mind was in overdrive, a million questions, but she signed papers without reading them. All she wanted was to be on the other side of those prison gates.

  As she approached them, she saw Maggie and Kat. Both gave her a little wave. She had to stand and wait while the prison officer unlocked the gated door to her freedom. Maggie greeted her, ‘Hi, Lucy. I bet you’re confused.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said meekly, still stunned. She wanted to be happy, but couldn’t take in what had happened. Expected it to be all taken away. The realization that Rory had probably confessed weighed heavily on her mind, and wiped away any of the happiness that freedom brought with it.

  ‘We’re here to take you to the station.’

  ‘What?’ Lucy looked at the door behind her. ‘Why did they let me go if you’re just going to arrest me again?’ Fear crossed her face.

  ‘Whoa, Lucy. Calm down. Let Maggie finish,’ Kat interjected.

  ‘Get in the car, Lucy, and we’ll explain everything.’

  Lucy reluctantly entered the police car. She fidgeted with her shirt as she listened to Maggie explain what had happened: although Rory had confessed to the murder, Lucy was being bailed and may be charged with perverting the course of justice.

  Maggie probably should have cautioned Lucy first and not explained anything until they arrived at the station, but she could see the fear in Lucy’s eyes and thought that she’d suffered enough. Her now short hair accentuated her thin frame. She was not the same woman they had known. Prison changed Lucy, physically and mentally.

  ‘Why are you telling me all this?’ Maggie had momentarily forgotten they were dealing with someone who had a criminal justice background. All she saw was a vulnerable woman who needed to be reassured that everything was going to be all right. Lucy had been a victim long enough.

  ‘You’re right, I shouldn’t be telling you any of this – but you deserve to know. We just want you to know that you’re safe.’

  Lucy started to cry, tears falling onto her lap in the car. She cried for herself. She cried even more for Rory and what he’d now be facing. Her shoulders shook uncontrollably.

  It was then that they heard a muffled sentence from Lucy’s lips … ‘Thank you …’ and all concerns were gone.

  EPILOGUE

  Lucy stood before the crowd of men and women, mentally preparing herself. Eight months had gone by since her release, in which time she’d started a new job. Part-time work with probation via an agency. She’d changed back to her maiden name permanently, and was in the process of selling the house that she’d shared with Patrick and his daughter. In order to move on with her future, she had to let go of the past.

  Rory had been arrested and charged with Patrick’s murder. He was still on remand, but his confession would go in his favour in terms of reducing his sentence – mitigating circumstances, his solicitor had said. The judge would look favourably on this. Her heart broke for Rory; it’s easy to learn behaviour, a lot harder to unlearn it. Her hope was that he’d get the help he needed. He was still young enough to change, deal with his anger – Patrick had not been. The cycle of abuse wasn’t one she wished to be passed on.

  Lucy had been facing charges of perverting the course of justice, but in the end, with all the media attention her case had brought following her release, the CPS decided that the time served on remand was enough. Despite knowing about the affair, Lucy had visited Shell, who had been convicted of the three murders, in prison after her own release. Shell was remorseful about the affair, but Lucy could understand how easily she too had fallen under Patrick’s spell. Lucy forgave her, but they would never be friends.

  Siobhan was placed in the custody of her maternal grandparents. Her mother, Becky, was still unfit to care for her. Alcohol remained a crutch and a string of bad relationships would place the child at continued risk. Lucy felt a sadness for Becky and hoped that one day she’d find the strength to deal with her issues; Siobhan would need her. Every child needs their mother. With the time spent in prison, Lucy had lost contact with Siobhan and wondered if she ever thought about her. Whether she could ever forgive her. No matter what Patrick had done, Lucy understood that Siobhan loved him.

  Lucy walked along the row of seats, scanning the faces. She saw Sarah’s face in the crowd. Next to her sat Mark – he still worked in the DAHU – but was helping her set up the women’s refuge. She waved. She suspected that Mark fancied her, but wasn’t ready to let another man into her life.

  As she took the podium, the room erupted in applause and her face reddened. She still struggled, after years of being called useless, to accept a compliment.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for joining us here today. We’re thrilled to have Lucy Sherwood with us to talk about her experience, to share with you her journey, and to offer her hand of support for those of you who still need it …’

  Lucy listened to the applause as she approached the microphone. It was a surreal experience.

  ‘Good morning, everyone. As Ms Reilly has said, my name is Lucy Sherwood and I’m here to talk to you about my experience and the opening of the SAFE Refuge – a home where both men and women can find Strength, Acceptance, Freedom, and Empowerment during and after their experience of domestic abuse … a place where individuals won’t be judged for their choices, won’t be forced into decisions they’re not ready to make. Where people like you and I can come together, support one another, and be there for when you’re ready to take that step.’

  Lucy spent an hour explaining about her hopes for the refuge and the domestic abuse that ended with her husband’s murder being the ultimate cause of her freedom. She admitted that she couldn’t say for definite whether she’d still be in that relationship had Patrick not been killed. She didn’t want to lie to them. At the time of Patrick’s murder, Lucy told the crowd that she believed she’d reached the point where she wanted to be free.

  In prison, with encouragement from Dr Moloney, Lucy had written a journal which she later self-published. Lucy read a chapter from her novel to end the conference.

  ‘“No one can tell you how to feel, what to do, or when it’s time to leave. As a survivor of domestic abuse, I lived in a world where I had to be two people: strong, assertive, confident – the professional – when deep inside I was ashamed, scared and depressed. I believed that I was staying for the right reasons. To protect Patrick’s daughter and son from their dad – and in Siobhan’s case, her mother too. I wanted to show them a positive role model, to guide them through life, to build them up.

  ‘“What I showed them was that it was OK to hurt someone you love – to belittle them, to break down their self-worth, and to make them feel unwanted.’”

  Lucy went on to explain she was under no illusion that she was still on her journey of survival. There was no time limit and healing would come as and when she felt in control of her life again.

  She chose to believe that one day she’d trust a man, have a positive, healthy, loving relationship that didn’t revolve around persistent and systematic power and control over her.

 
Without even knowing it, her hand reached up and touched the scar over her eyebrow. She winced. Not because of any physical pain. Just because of what that scar symbolized.

  Lucy knew that many of the faces before her would leave their abusive partners only to find themselves in the arms of another abuser. It’s what happens. Love isn’t meant to hurt – but for some, abuse is a small sacrifice to avoid loneliness, to fill a need, to ensure financial security, to save them from what they deem is something worse. Judging a person for a decision they make is not going to make them understand. The person must want to get out of that situation themselves, to feel safe. They have to know someone understands their decisions – Lucy would be that someone. She lived it. She survived it.

  Maggie smiled as she listened to Lucy’s talk. It wasn’t very often she was witness to something good coming out of something so horrible. Her phone vibrated and she pulled it out. DI Rutherford. Maggie figured she’d call back or leave a message, so she hit reject. Within seconds a text came through and a voicemail message. Maggie read the text and swallowed. A cold feeling had settled in her stomach.

  Listen to my message. Call me back immediately.

  Maggie stood up and made her way out of the row, trying her best not to step on people’s toes. She excused herself from the room and listened to the message from her old boss.

  ‘Your secondment is over at the DAHU. Raven has appealed his sentence, claimed he’s innocent. Timely I’d say as there has been another murder. Either a copycat or the real killer picking up where they left off. Get your arse in here.’

  Maggie’s hand began to shake, and she nearly dropped her phone. She’d thought the nightmares were over – but they may be only just beginning.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  I have so many wonderful people to thank, so please forgive me if this starts sounding like an award speech, and apologies if I miss anyone out – it is not intentional, my brain is just so overwhelmed.

  I’d like to thank my family and friends both near and afar, for the tremendous support they have given me since learning I was writing a book.

  A massive thanks to Finn Cotton, editor extraordinaire for his patience, guidance and belief in me as a writer and to the Killer Reads team who have been fantastic since this crazy journey began.

  A special thanks to the absolutely phenomenal Graham Smith and Michael J. Malone – for reading my prologue at Crime & Publishment in 2017 and giving me the encouragement, inspiration and kick up the backside to write what is now Dead Inside. And to the C&P writing gang who are just the most magnificent people – generous with their time and advice. And I also have to mention Karen Sullivan for the ‘red card’ that gave me the confidence to submit to publishers.

  Another special thanks to my beta readers – WOW – you all blew me away with your feedback. So thank you to Joseph Calleja, Sarah Hardy, Claire Knight, Shell Baker, Kate Moloney, Kat Everett, Lorraine Rugman, Vicki Wilkinson, Sharon Bairden and Abbie Rutherford for everything … particularly your names! And for the MOST part, your characters are nothing like you in real life … ha ha!

  A heart-felt THANK YOU to the authors who also encouraged me to write, who read and gave me feedback/quotes – you have no idea how much it meant to me – Angela Marsons, Martina Cole, Nic Parker, Graham Smith, Mel Comley, Emma Kennedy, Casey Kelleher, Mel Sherratt, and Caroline Mitchell – a thousand #thankyous would never be enough.

  To the crime writing community – do you know how SUPERB you are? I wish I could name each and every one of you – your kind words, encouragement, inspiration and overwhelming support has really touched me. Don’t ever change.

  To my amazing blogger friends, I want to name you all, but I can’t – so if you are reading this and thinking ‘is she talking about me?’ the answer is – Hell yeah, I am! Love you all. Special mention to the #blogsquad, Kim Nash, Anne Cater, Rachel Gilbey, and JB Johnston for letting me be me, and to Emma Mitchell for editing and getting me submission ready. You all make me smile each and every day!

  A massive thanks to the Bookouture team (both the authors and my colleagues), especially Abigail Fenton (who casually introduced me to my editor at Harrogate and nudged me to pitch my book – it worked!), Peta Nightingale/Oliver Rhodes for all the amazing advice and again, Kim Nash – because she is just outstanding! Adore you Batman!

  Of course, I have to mention Tamworth Probation/Tamworth IOM; Stafford IOM; and all my remarkable ex-colleagues within the Police and Probation Service – both the public and private sectors. Your dedication and professionalism astound me – I may have been ‘paroled’ after eighteen years of service, but I think about your truly fantastic work all the time – and all the stories I now have to tell!

  Finally, I just want to thank everyone who takes the time to read this book; without you, there would be no reason to write.

  A NOTE FROM NOELLE

  I wanted to include a brief note to explain a few things within this book. The book is set in Staffordshire; however, I have used some literary licence by making up names of towns/places to fit with the story.

  Having been a senior/probation officer for eighteen years, I left in 2017. There are some references to the changes that were implemented in 2015, but I went all nostalgic and some of the work/terms refer to a time when Probation was all one service. It made things a lot less complicated. Any errors to police procedure/probation are purely my own or intentional to move the story forward.

  Finally, I have extensive knowledge and experience of domestic abuse – both personally and from a professional point of view. I tried to portray this as realistically as possible, but everyone’s experience will be different.

  Loved Dead Inside? Pre-order the second gripping thriller in the DC Maggie Jamieson series…

  THE OTHER KILLER

  Notorious serial killer Bill Raven is fighting the courts for his release. Forensics reveal that he could not have been responsible for the murder of several of his victims, so why did he confess?

  DC Maggie Jamieson is convinced Bill Raven is guilty, but he can’t be working alone. With the help of criminal psychologist Dr Kate Moloney, she races to catch the second killer and to keep both dangerous offenders behind bars for good…

  Click here to order a copy

  About the Author

  Noelle Holten is an award-winning blogger at www.crimebookjunkie.co.uk. She is the PR & Social Media Manager for Bookouture, a leading digital publisher in the UK, and a regular reviewer on the Two Crime Writers and a Microphone podcast. Noelle worked as a Senior Probation Officer for eighteen years, covering cases of domestic violence and abuse. She has three Hons BA’s – Philosophy, Sociology (Crime & Deviance) and Community Justice – and a Masters in Criminology. Dead Inside is her debut novel and the start of a new series featuring DC Maggie Jamieson.

  @nholten40

  www.crimebookjunkie.co.uk

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