Inner Voices: The Awakening

by Barry Alder

  Jason paused, surprised at what had come out. There it was: His deepest feelings on the subject, feelings that had not had a voice until now, feelings that had been clawing at his insides from the moment Ka’tel had told them that they would not participate in the defense of the village. Now that they were out, he felt much better.

  He watched Raphael’s face for any change and noticed him clenching his teeth. He also saw the anger in his eyes increase, and knew that whatever was bothering Raphael was about to come to the surface.

  “Why didn’t you tell us this before? Why keep it a secret? Didn’t you think we already knew the score? It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that we’re anachronisms and, maybe, the best thing anyone could have done would have been to leave us in the stasis chamber until we were all dead.

  “Michael was my best friend as well as a good soldier. He was the only family I’ve really had for the last ten years. I know you lost your family, but there never was a chance for you ever to be with them. Mike had a chance, being with us, but he didn’t make it. Do you know how often I wish he’d been the one who’d survived and not me?”

  “I’m sorry Raph, I didn’t realize you two were that close.”

  Jason was at a loss for words. He’d been so focused on his own concerns that he hadn’t realized how much some of the others might be suffering. He was lost in this thought when Raphael continued, bringing him back.

  “Lately, I’ve been thinking that, if there is a god, I’d like to get my hands on him and wring his sadistic neck. Mike was a good person, better than I ever was. He should be the one here, not me. This is two times now that I shouldn’t have survived but did, and I don’t know why.”

  Raphael turned and looked back out over the ocean. He raised his clenched fist to the sky.

  “Fuck you God!” he yelled. “I don’t like this game you’re playing and I refuse to play it any more.”

  Jason was taken aback by the vehemence that came out of Raphael. He’d never seen him like this.

  “Raph. What do you mean by that?” he asked softly.

  “Exactly what I said,” he replied as he turned back to Jason. “Too many people have died for me and I’m not going to let it happen again. I’m outta here. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I can’t stay here any longer.”

  This was something Jason hadn’t expected. He had feared that Raphael was considering suicide, and was relieved that that wasn’t the case. But he also didn’t want Raphael to go.

  “That’s not the way to solve it, Raph.”

  Raphael laughed. “Of course it is. If that fucking god wants to have more of my friends die in my face, then I won’t do it. I may not be able to save anyone, but at least I’ll stop playing his game.”

  And not see anyone else he cares about die, thought Jason.

  “There’s got to be a better way,” Jason pleaded.

  Raphael suddenly relaxed. Jason saw the anger in his eyes had subsided and was replaced by a firm resolve, and with it, almost a happiness.

  “Well, Jas, if there is, then let’s hear it. Otherwise, I’m gone.”

  “I don’t have an answer to that right now, Raph. Can’t you just wait till the others come back? Maybe one of them will have an answer.”

  “Sorry. No can do,” and with that, he turned and headed toward his pack.

  Jason stood dumbfounded. He hadn’t realized how deeply all this had affected Raphael. Now he wondered if anyone else, or all of them, were affected as deeply. He was right. He had failed. He’d failed to really see the people under him, and to see what they were going through. He’d failed as a leader when they had needed him most, and he didn’t know how to correct it.

  * * *

  The day was busy for everyone and passed quickly. No one had noticed Raphael's absence.

  By sunset, everyone except Peter and Rick had returned to the camp. Some were still working on the huts but most were waiting for the meal to start.

  “Okay!” Velma called out to the camp. “Food’s ready! Come and get it!”

  “So what’s on tap tonight?” asked Hong.

  “Something right up your alley!” replied Velma laughing. “All vegetarian!”

  “What?” yelled Sean. “No meat?”

  “We didn’t find any,” replied Joe. “We didn’t even see any animals while we were out searching.”

  “Well, I hope Rick and Peter have better luck,” Sean yelled back.

  “Not a chance!” came a voice from the dark. Everyone turned to see Rick and Peter walk out of the darkness into the campfire light.

  “You’d think every animal for miles around knew exactly where we were and was avoiding us. It’s really strange. Not at all like our first time out.”

  “Well, maybe Raphael is having better luck,” Velma commented.

  “Jason, where is Raphael?” asked Louise, “I haven’t seen him all day. Is he out hunting too?”

  Jason paused for a moment. He’d been hoping all afternoon that Raphael would change his mind and come back, and wasn’t thrilled about telling the rest of the group about what had happened.

  “No. He’s not hunting. He left.”

  “What do you mean, ‘He left’"? asked Louise.

  “Just what I said. He left. We had a talk after everyone left this morning and he decided he couldn’t stay with us any more. So he left.”

  “What the…’ commented Rick, “That doesn’t make any sense. What really happened?”

  Jason wasn’t sure if he should tell them the whole truth. On the one hand, he wanted to respect Raphael’s privacy in deciding to go, but on the other, he also had to respect the others’ need to know. And Raphael hadn’t said to keep it a secret.

  “Waking up here was rough on him. Rougher than I had imagined. He lost his best friend in stasis. That, along with all the other friends he’s lost in the fighting, was just too much for him. He said he didn’t want to watch any more of his friends die, so he left.”

  The group was silent. This time, they believed him. He looked at each of them, and could almost see their thoughts; thoughts of lost friends and family, thoughts of being alone in this new world. They understood what Raphael had felt, and were now faced with looking at those thoughts and feelings themselves. Jason could tell that for the first time since they had been awakened, where they were was really sinking in.

  He didn’t know what to say. He’d been feeling those thoughts from almost the first day and they had slowly been eating at his soul. He hadn’t known then what to tell them and he still didn’t have the words.

  Perhaps there are no words, he thought, perhaps it’s just something you have to experience and deal with on your own level.

  Almost as an echo of this thought, Velma stood up and addressed the group.

  “I know we’ve all lost someone special to us. I lost two who mean a lot to me. You all remember Bill? He volunteered for this mission to be close to me. We were going to be married after the war. He didn’t make it, but I take some solace in knowing he died peacefully. It was the way I hoped he would eventually die; quiet and untroubled by the world.”

  Jason could see tears in her eyes, reflecting the flames of the campfire. She gazed into the fire. No one moved or said anything. They all knew more was coming. After a few moments she continued.

  “The other person I lost was my daughter. She was sixteen when we went under. Contrary to our orders, I told her I would be gone for a long time, but to have faith; I would be coming back.”

  “But I didn’t, and I can’t. And that's what breaks my heart. I know most of you left behind loved ones who never knew what happened to us. And for some of them, that would’ve been okay. They knew the risks we took in being soldiers. The others, well, I guess they just had to make new lives. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is that I’ll never know what happened to my daughter or the other friends and family I left behind.”

  Again she stopped. This time there were tears running down her cheeks, tears clearly
visible to everyone. She took a deep breath and rubbed them away.

  “But we can’t let those feelings overwhelm us. The hurt may never go away, but there’s nothing we can do about what's happened. It’s there and it can’t be changed. We can only move on. Which is what I intend on doing. I don’t agree with Raphael’s choice of action, but I understand it. Maybe he’ll come back. Maybe not. But that’s irrelevant right now.”

  She stepped away from the fire and walked over to Jason. He’d been mesmerized by her speech and was caught off guard as she stood over him.

  “Okay Boss. As far as I’m concerned, you’re still in charge and we still need a leader. So what are we going to do?”

  Jason slowly rose. He was totally unprepared for this question and wondered if this was a test Velma had come up with to challenge his leadership? If so, he thought, it was a good one.

  He looked around at the rest of the group. They were all waiting for an answer. He returned his gaze to Velma, searching her face carefully. He saw it wasn’t a test, but an honest request for help.

  “Somehow,” he started slowly, “we survive. We find an area where we can blend in and start new lives. As you said Velma, we can’t go back, and we can’t stay where we are.”

  He felt the hollowness of his words and they cut to the bone. He knew there was no heart behind them; that they were all from the head and that was not what the group wanted to hear. He looked down at the fire and shook his head.

  “Look!” he shouted. “I’m as lost as you are right now. I don’t know what to do any more than you do. None of my training or experience comes anywhere near this. All I know is that I’m responsible for you and your safety, and I intend to do whatever I can to ensure it.”

  “And that includes leaving the villagers?” came the soft voice of Louise.

  Jason whirled to where she was seated, an anger rising so fast he was barely able to control it.

  “I’ve already told you my reasons for leaving. I’m not going to go over that shit again!”

  “So you say,” Louise continued. “But I believe there is more, and I believe that that is the real reason why Raphael left.”

  Jason felt like a sledgehammer had just hit him. Louise, of all people, he thought. She didn’t believe him. And if she didn’t, some of the others probably didn’t either. The anger he had just barely controlled spilled over.

  “What are you getting at Lou? You want to take over? Good! Go for it! I’ve obviously screwed up royally. Perhaps you can do better! You seem to have thought this out well. What great plans do you have for us?”

  Jason was panting by the time he finished. The anger in him was spent in his attack on Lou. He sat down, suddenly very, very tired. Let her take over, he thought. He wasn’t a leader anymore. He didn’t know how to lead. He’d lost his connection with his team and everything was falling apart.

  Louise had cringed at Jason’s onslaught. She’d wanted the real reason why they had left, and had known that Jason may not have known it himself. This attack only confirmed her fears. There was something deep within Jason that was driving him and he really didn’t know what it was.

  “No,” she replied softly. “I don’t want your leadership Jason. You were, and are, our leader. You’ve brought us through a lot of tough times and I know we all respect you for that. But you’ve got to be truthful to yourself. You know what you’ve told us is only part of the truth. What is it back there that so frightens you? What are you really running away from?”

  Jason barely heard what Louise was saying, but something must have penetrated his consciousness. The questions she’d asked made sense. He was afraid of something and was running from it. But what?

  He looked at her; his eyes pleading for her to answer the question he knew only he could really answer. She looked back, seeing the turmoil in his eyes, but said nothing.

  Moments passed and no one said a word. They all knew something crucial was happening; something that was going to determine how, and for the first time, if, they would survive.

  For the first time in many years, Jason prayed for help. He didn’t know who to pray to, but he prayed. Then it came to him. Looking around at the team, he started speaking slowly and softly.

  “I lost most of my family when the Mason Faction attacked my home town. I was only able to escape with my five-year-old daughter. We made our way to Boise, to my brother and his family. I left my daughter with them and joined the forces. I told her I was going away to fight the people who had killed her mother and brother, and that I would protect her and come back for her, and that nothing would ever stop that.”

  As he spoke, a sense of peace overcame him. He was finally facing this demon and as he did, it shrank.

  “I failed her. I didn’t protect her. The documents we found say Boise was overrun about two months after we went under. And what’s worse, I didn’t come back. I don’t know what finally happened to her, but I’m sure it wasn’t good.”

  “If I’d been killed, it would have been better. I wouldn’t have known. But I do.”

  “When Lara woke us and we found out why, I thought I could avenge my failures. I thought I could do some good, but when they turned on us, even that slipped away. Yes! We could have stayed. I’m sure they would have let us blend in with them and we all might have been safe, but it wouldn’t have been right.”

  “What right do we have to live so easily after those we loved had to go through so much? I don’t know about you, but each day there would have twisted the knife that’s in my heart, and I can’t live like that!”

  There. It was out. He felt cleaner now than he had since they had left the village. He looked around. They understood. He realized some of them held the same knife in their hearts and truly understood what he felt. At the same time, he realized he could no longer be their leader. He had lost his touch for them. This whole run had been about his escape, not about protecting them. That wasn’t what a true leader did.

  “I’m sorry Lou,” he continued, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You were right. I’ve been misleading you for a long time now. Someone else would make a better leader.”

  “I very much doubt that,” said Hong, interjecting. “You may not have told us the whole truth, but I don’t think you knew it. And what you did tell us was true.

  “And despite your belief that you’ve been misleading us, I don’t believe it. You have the soul of a good man, an honest man. And I for one, would be proud to follow your leadership.”

  A chorus of shouts of agreement went up from the group. No one wanted to see Jason relinquish command. He suddenly felt very proud, not of himself, but of his team, who had stood with him through a very dark hour and now encouraged him to continue.

  He looked at each one of them and saw their full support. The weight of command that he had tossed off moments before was now back on his shoulders, and he had decisions to make. He thought for a few moments.

  “There is one decision I can’t make by myself. I need all of you to decide this.”

  “Do we go back to the village, do we let the villagers know where we are, or do we stay clear of them? I know where my feelings lie, but I need to know what you want.”

  No one was eager to speak. There appeared to be a general reluctance for anyone to be the first to say anything.

  “Okay,” Jason continued, “it seems someone has to start, so here goes: I think we should stay clear of the villagers. They know about us and might inadvertently tell this to the Empire soldiers. If they don’t know where we are, then they can’t lie. If we went back, the risk is even greater, so I think we should continue with the original plan of getting away from here.”

  He saw a number of nods. Apparently most of the group agreed with him.

  Louise had been watching the group as Jason spoke. From her viewpoint, only two people did not seem to agree with Jason’s view.

  “Rick?” she asked.“You don’t seem to agree.”

  Rick looked at her and then at Jason. “I
understand what Jason is saying, and it makes sense. But I want to go back for personal reasons.”

  Louise felt her brow crease quizzically.

  “What personal reasons, Rick? We’re all very involved in what's happening and there’s no room for private, personal reasons right now. Spit it out!”

  Rick was clearly uncomfortable, but no one in the group made any attempt to defend him. After a long pause, he replied.

  “I don’t know if you remember Suan from the village.”

  He looked around to see if anyone did and saw that most of them had.

  “I’m in love with her and she’s in love with me. I don’t want to leave her behind. If we can’t go back, then I want to go back and get her.”

  Louise smiled and a couple of the other men shook their heads. Rick was the youngest of the group and everyone was sure he wasn’t married. Of all the survivors, he would have been the one to adjust the easiest. This only bore that out.

  “I’m not sure we can do that Rick,” responded Jason. “I don’t know how dangerous that would be for us and the villagers. Let me think about it.”

  The answer seemed to please Rick and a more relaxed look came over him.

  “How about you, Hong?” Louise asked. “You don’t think this is a good idea?”

  “On the surface, it sounds good and logical, but something inside me says it’s not the right path. Something is telling me it won’t happen.”

  “Nothing more?” asked Louise.

  “Sorry, but that’s it,” replied Hong apologetically.

  This disturbed Jason. He had experienced Hong’s “gut feelings” before and they were often uncannily correct. Usually there was no logical reason behind them, but all too often, they proved far too correct. And he wasn’t the only one in the group who had had this experience. He saw more than one face take on a worried look.