Free To Be

by Adam Lynch

  “Wait… so you can read… everything on my mind?” Even all my thoughts and feelings from earlier? And the other day when I had tried talking to—

  “Kagami? Yes, I’m aware of your feelings for her. Sorry, Taiyo… I know it’s embarrassing for you...”

  I blush red as a cherry. I feel so vulnerable right now I might as well be naked. Actually, I practically am naked in front of him, aren’t I? It doesn’t matter whether I keep quiet or say something. Even right now, he can read everything about me… every single, excruciating thing...

  “Don’t worry… I promise I won’t ever mention things that will embarrass you. I cannot only read your thoughts, but your emotions as well. This is why I appeared so empathetic to you when you first looked in my eyes.”

  Huh? What?

  Oh. That’s right. He can read minds. I keep forgetting. Wow, he really can read minds. It’s true.

  “Yes, Taiyo, it’s true.”

  Wow… this is so weird. “So… you really can read minds then?”

  “Yes.”

  “And the way I hear animals talking back to me… no one else can do that?”

  “Nope.”

  “But how? How can we do these things? How come no one else can?”

  “Who knows? Maybe you should ask God.”

  “I can’t believe this whole time I’ve had powers… and didn’t even know...”

  “I remember when I found out I was different. I was seven, I think.”

  “How did you find out?”

  “I read from people’s minds that they couldn’t do the same.”

  “Wow… this is crazy...”

  “I know.”

  “So wait… the Darkane are after you, right?”

  “They’re after everyone with abilities. But they don’t know about yours. It’s not recorded in the prophet’s book.”

  “How do they know about yours? I thought you never told anyone?”

  “They know about me because of a book a prophet wrote a long time ago about people with special powers—although for whatever reason, you and your power was not documented. The prophet also wrote when and where they could be found in approximation. His visions have proven true to the Darkane. Before seeking me, the Darkane found another person who had possessed the glowing gray eyes Fraisha has now—the Eyes of Divinity.”

  “But they came to our village. I don’t understand. They were looking for you, right? But you weren’t born in Fujian Village, were you?”

  “No… I wasn’t. I’m sorry, Taiyo. The Darkane attacked you and your people because of me. But no. I wasn’t born here. I’m from another village... I left there and began traveling. When I came to the valley, the guards along the cliffs spotted me. Then, the Darkane captured me and made me their slave. That’s how I ended up here. I wasn’t born and raised in Fujian Village, but the prophet knew I’d be found here… and as it appears… he was right...”

  “Why do the Darkane want you so bad? Oh, and me, too, I guess? Why do they want people with powers? What do they plan to do with them?”

  “Fraisha wants to strengthen the Darkane to help them survive the world war—the war we’ve all been involuntarily caught up in.”

  “World war? What world war?”

  “It’s no surprise you don’t know about it. You’ve never left your home. The short answer is the largest and most powerful armies of the world are at war with each other, and the rest of us have been caught up in it, including us and the Darkane. The Darkane were once slaves like us. But since they freed themselves, Fraisha has been seeking power and security for his people. He found the prophet’s book which led him to the Eyes of Divinity. Now that he has the Eyes of Divinity, he can steal powers from people who have them and make them his.”

  “Wait, what?!”

  “I know, it freaks me out, too. He replaced his own eyes with theses… eyes he stole from someone else. The Eyes of Divinity grant their wielder the power to steal powers from those who have them. The process is initiated by exchanging eye contact with a person who has a power. Upon eye contact and initialization, the eyes beam through the victim’s eyes, burns them out along with the victim’s brain, sucks them dry, and inherits the victim’s powers.”

  I gasp.

  “There’s a cost, however. Every time the wielder initiates this process, he loses some of his lifespan. If it wasn’t for this, Fraisha would have already lined you all up, and killed each of you until finding me and inheriting my ability.”

  He pauses… but I don’t know what to say.

  “That’s why he’s enslaving us. The prophet’s book led them to Fujian village, but it doesn’t mention names or what anybody looks like. They don’t know which one of us is the mind-reader, so they’re investigating.”

  “I didn’t even know there was a mind-reader…”

  “None of your people did. And none of them know about your power either. But it’s best if no one knows about us. People fear what they don’t understand. They isolate. If your people knew about you and your power, they’d fear you, treat you like a monster. If they’d have known about you or me when the Darkane had arrived, some of them would have given us up. If we told your people about us now, some of them would give us up. I know, because I read their minds. The ones who say they wouldn’t or won’t, could change their minds in the future when bad things start happening. Fear makes people selfish, Taiyo. You don’t have to be a mind-reader to see that…”

  I gulp.

  “The reason I’m telling you this is so you don’t trust anyone with your secret… or my secret. You can’t tell anyone about us, Taiyo. No one from your village is to know. Like I said, some may be trustworthy now, but if something bad happens, and they get scared and desperate, they might change their minds and give us up. They’ll do what they have to do to save themselves. So, Taiyo, we need to save ourselves. We need to look after each other, protect each other, because we’re the same kind. Also, I’ve read your heart. I know you’re someone I can trust.” He pauses, studying me. “And I… I know you’d like… I know you want a friend. Honestly, I want one, too. I need a friend. You don’t have any friends? I don’t either. So let’s be each other’s, okay? We’ll look after each other. Help each other.”

  He extends his hand to me and I gasp. He smiles. His eyes terrify me by how genuine they appear.

  “So will you… be my friend… Taiyo?”

  I stare at him in awe. I’m shocked by what I heard—well, everything I heard tonight—but this most of all. Does he really… want to be my friend?

  I mean he just met me. What if after getting to know me, he changes his mind?

  “That’s not going to happen, Taiyo. I already know what’s on your mind. I already know what’s on your heart. And what I know now is that I want to be friends with you.”

  I gasp. I study his eyes carefully… skeptically. I notice his hand is still extended towards me. I look at it, and gulp. I hesitate.

  Then, I reach out with my trembling hand… and accept it.

  He clasps it with his other hand, and I lift my eyes to meet his. I see his smile. It gives me confidence. I grin. Is this what it’s like? Is this… friendship?

  Why I hate Myself

  P

  ump, pump, pump. My heart is pounding. I inhale and exhale. I do this again and again. I’m practically panting. Sweat runs down my forehead. A rush of energy surges through my body, fueling it with adrenaline and terror. I’m excited, but I’m more terrified—much more. I keep my head forward, pretending to be more into cliff guard duty than I am. I don’t dare look to my side… because only a few feet away from me is yet again… her.

  I haven’t made eye contact with her this entire morning. I can’t bear the humiliation. I can’t bear to uncover her disgust in me—and how creeped out she is from me after my cringe-worthy attempt at talking to her yesterday.

  I can’t believe I’m assigned guard duty again… on the same cliff, right next to her, two days in a row. This has never hap
pened before. And now of all times, it’s happening. I can’t believe this. God must really hate me.

  “Dude, you look like a statue,” Akio says from the right of me suddenly. Blushing, I make a conscious effort to loosen up—I guess I was looking a little stiff. Did Kagami see me this way? If she didn’t, I guess she’s aware now, because Akio embarrassed me in front of everyone again—he always does this. “How you can be so still? I’m going crazy standing here like this.”

  Akio is assigned to the farthest right of the cliff. Then me, Kagami, Valida, and six other Leferians.

  “Ugh. This is so boring. I hate guard duty,” says Akio. His voice and tone is so bold and daring that he startles me every time he speaks. “They know it, too. They’re doing this to punish me for last night. You know it’s true, Taiyo.” He faces me, but I’m afraid to acknowledge him.

  I hesitate, but then, very slowly… twist my head in Valida’s direction.

  “Dude. She doesn’t care. Haven’t you figured that out by now?”

  “Will you shut up already, Akio?!” Valida shouts at him suddenly. “Stop talking to Taiyo.”

  “What? Why? I’m watching the cliff. What’s wrong with making the time pass?”

  “I said don’t talk to him. You’re distracting him...”

  Suddenly, he looks puzzled. “Distract him from what? Watching the cliff?”

  “No. Just shush, okay? Let him focus. He’s trying to think of what to say.”

  He looks at me and scratches his head. “Think of what to say? To who?”

  She glances at Kagami, and then at me. Then, she covers her mouth and giggles.

  I blush. Akio stares at us with a look so puzzled, he can’t think of what to say.

  He gives up and faces the cliff. “I... don’t get… what’s happening… but okay...”

  Ah! I must look so stupid right now. I never felt so vulnerable. I never felt so pressured. I feel like I have an audience. I do have an audience. What am I supposed to be doing, though? What is everyone expecting me to do? Should I be doing something? I hadn’t plan on doing anything. In fact, I was going to hide and keep to myself today—avoid making Kagami think I’m more of a creep than she probably already does. I can’t risk making things worse than they already are.

  “Oh, I’m so bored...” Valida proclaims dramatically all of a sudden. It’s like she’s making sure everyone hears. “If only someone was having an interesting conversation right now...”

  “Music to my ears, babe. Want me to talk dirty to ya?”

  “Stop talking, Akio. Just stop talking, you stupid, stupid boy...” She huffs and grunts.

  “What? I was being serious.”

  I gulp, feeling nervous…

  But then… suddenly, I feel something else stirring up within me. This energy, it feels… good. What is this I’m feeling? Excitement? Anticipation? Curiosity?

  I wonder… how is Kagami reacting to all of this? Everything that’s going on?

  Slowly and cautiously, I sneak a glance in her direction. I’m careful not to let her notice—because of course, that would be embarrassing. I turn my head and shift my eyes until catching a glimpse of her face. We make eye contact. Ah! I immediately turn away and blush. Oh my gosh, she caught me. So embarrassing… but wait… she was looking at me… wasn’t she? And making eye contact with her… even if only for a second… felt… good.

  I initiate another glance. I aim towards her... and we make eye contact again! Ah! I turn away again out of instinct, blushing. I notice she turns away this time as fast as I do—wait, is she embarrassed, too? My heart is pounding out of my chest. I feel a smile forming. This is scary, but… kind of exciting as well.

  “It’s strange…” Valida shouts again so everyone hears. “But for some reason I wouldn’t mind if Taiyo and Kagami started talking to each other today.” She giggles and I blush. My eyes widen to their limit and my heart skips a beat. “I wouldn’t mind at all. Just do what your heart tells you to.”

  “Wh-what? Are you trying to-”

  “Shut it, Akio!”

  My body pumps energy that feels both exciting and terrifying. Everybody wants me to do something. I feel like she even wants me to do something. But what? What am I supposed to do? This is overwhelming. I can’t stand it. I’m freaking out. I’m losing time.

  Should I do something? It does seem like a good opportunity… maybe the last opportunity I’ll ever have again? But why am I forced into this so soon? I’m not ready. I haven’t recovered from yesterday.

  Time passes, but I don’t budge. I can’t. I don’t know what to do.

  I sneak another glance at her, getting an update on how she’s reacting to the situation. When I see her, our eyes don’t meet this time. She’s probably embarrassed… embarrassed by Valida assuming there’s anything between us. Of course there isn’t. Why would there be? I’m the awkward kid from our village that no one talks to and is friends with. I’m sorry, Kagami. I didn’t mean for all of this to happen. I’d stop it if I could...

  Valida huffs. “Oh give me a break. Taiyo, come here.”

  I face her to confirm. She nods with wide eyes, gesturing me to approach. “Yes, come here.”

  She seems frustrated and impatient, so I haste towards her. I avoid eye contact with her until I’m close and have no choice. Instantly, I feel vulnerable and terrified. My self-consciousness is on full display before her and it’s absolutely humiliating. I’m certain she can see my limbs shaking like a pathetic weakling. I probably have the face of a terrified young boy… and I can’t change it—I can’t even fake a different one. My face is frozen to display this constant terrified expression, and it never relaxes. My face hurts from tensing up so tightly, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t relax it—my eyebrows above all hurt the most.

  I don’t know how to present myself to her without offending her. I stand straight, fold my hands behind my back and bow my head. I do this to appear meek and humble, and not someone who’s challenging her authority in any way, but doing so seems to annoy her more, causing her to huff again.

  “Get closer. Come on,” she orders with an impatient tone. I hesitate when approaching, not knowing how close she wants me to get. “Come on, dude. Get closer. I’m not gonna bite.” I approach until she tells me to stop. “There.” I flinch as she touches the side of my head, brushing my hair and fixating on me. I gulp and sweat. I… I don’t think I’ve ever been this close to a woman before. As I become dazzled by her angelic beauty, watching her play with my hair, I notice her face loosening tension, lightening. Then, she smiles. She no longer appears angry and impatient like she did seconds ago… but rather... amused... I think.

  She’s silent as she plays with my hair. She holds her fixated gaze that quickly starts to overwhelm me. Holding eye contact with someone this long is challenging for me—it always has been—but I’m afraid to look away. I feel if I do, she’ll get angry again. She seems pleased when I give her my full attention and let her do whatever she wants to me, so I think I’ll have to endure.

  However… this isn’t entirely unpleasant. Her touch feels nice… and the way she looks at me... makes me feel... pretty good…

  It’s just I’m afraid to break stance and do something that’ll upset her again. Above all, I want to ensure she stays happy, so I can continue enjoying… uh… whatever this is…

  “You know I never realized before, Taiyo,” she says to me softly. “But you’re actually… kind of cute.” I blush, and try to hide it. Obviously I fail, because she grins. “You with your short orange hair and hazel eyes. You have good jaw structure and good skin, too.”

  I gulp again, debating in my head whether I’m supposed to thank her or not.

  “Now…” She flips her hair over her shoulder, raises her eye brow, and smiles. “What do you think about me, Taiyo? Do you think I’m pretty?” I hold my breath, feeling as if my heart stopped. Huh? Is this a test? What am I supposed to say? Won’t I get in trouble if I tell my master she’s pretty? I’m jus
t remembering what happened to Akio last night. “It’s okay. I give you permission to be honest with me. Yes or no, Taiyo?”

  “Y-yes,” I stutter.

  She grins and giggles slightly. Then, she intensifies her gaze on me. Her pupils dilate. I’m forced to turn away for a second before I start to panic. It’s then, she shakes her herself out of her daze. “That girl next to you...” I hold my breath. “She’s very pretty. I know you think so. I saw how you approached her yesterday. To be honest, I thought it was really cute. I was trying to give you another chance today, but as obvious as I was at giving you permission to act, you stood there, still as a log. You like her, don’t you?” My lips freeze. They won’t move. It’s hard saying it, because I’ve never said it out loud before. “Don’t you?” she persists.

  “Y-yes.”

  “What’s wrong with you then? Why won’t you talk to her?”

  “I...” my mind goes blank again. I’m unable to think of anything to say. That makes me panic. Crap. Not now. Don’t start panicking right now.

  She huffs, immediately appearing annoyed again. Oh no. What have I done? “Forget it. Just go back to your post.”

  My heart stops, feeling the all too familiar dagger of rejection thrusting into it. I spin around, unable to breathe, and am too shocked to feel anything yet.

  I hustle back stiff as a stick—I do this to avoid visibility of my body shaking and walking clumsily, but I feel I was doing both of these anyway.

  My eyes redden with tears. I choke up. Suddenly, I feel so humiliated I want to burst in tears, but doing so in front of everyone would make things worse than they already are. I hate myself. Stupid Taiyo. So weak. I hate myself for not being able to speak. I hate myself for not being able to do what I wanted to do. I can’t even have a conversation. I can barely make eye contact. I can barely answer a question without sounding like a scared little boy. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so hopeless? Why am I this way?

  In spite of doing everything I can to prevent it, tears roll down my eyes. I begin weeping at my post. I cover my face with my arms. I face down and keep my head forward towards the cliff, but it’s unavoidable. I’m the spotlight. Valida made sure of that. Now everyone is looking at me. Everyone is watching me make a fool of myself... again. Why are you such a failure, Taiyo? Why are you stupid? You can’t even speak. You’re crying again? For what? Not being able to talk to someone? Wow. Pathetic. You really are something, Taiyo. I can’t even put it into words. You make me sick. I hate being inside your body. It’s so embarrassing having to watch you all the time. I hate you. You make me sick.