Free To Be

by Adam Lynch

  “Taiyo? Taiyo?” I hear a female voice call my name below me. I’m not able to acknowledge the voice at first—I can’t bear to let down my guard. But after the fourth time, I turn to face it. A fog of tears covers my eyes and all I see is a bright blue. I wipe my eyes, and then blink a few times. It’s a beautiful blue flower, large with seven pedals. I don’t remember if I had ever noticed it before. I don’t remember seeing her yesterday, or anytime today. How could I not notice something so beautiful? “Why are you crying?”

  “You’re… you’re so beautiful. How have I never noticed you?”

  “I’ve always been here, Taiyo. Perhaps you never noticed me, because I’m not something you ever paid attention to?”

  “No.” I sniffle. “I suppose not.”

  “Why are you crying?”

  “Nothing. It’s stupid.”

  “Why is it stupid?”

  “It’s no reason to cry. Nobody would cry over something so dumb. Don’t pay attention to me. I’m just being a baby again.”

  “I don’t understand. You’re not a baby.”

  “Just forget it, alright?!” I finally shout in frustration at the flower. Akio faces me, startled. “It’s not something a flower can understand! Just leave me alone!”

  “Taiyo?” Akio asks hesitantly, but I don’t look at him. “Who-who are you talking to man?”

  Hope?

  “H

  ey, Taiyo…” says someone behind me in line for dinner. “I’m sorry for everything that happened to you today. I want you to know that I see and feel your pain—you’re not alone on it.” I jump, startled. Who’d say something like this to me? I spin behind me and see that it’s… Yuuto. Yuuto?! My eyes expand. I’m alarmed, remembering how open and emotional we were last night. I’m vulnerable and embarrassed because of it. I’m self-conscious. My body is shaking. No, don’t do this, Taiyo. He’ll get offended if you’re anxious around him after what you two experienced together. I can’t help it, though. Because of the amazing conversation we had last night, he’ll expect me to showcase that kind of energy right now. I don’t know if I can, though. I’m afraid to disappoint him, or upset him. What do I do? I’m not prepared. I’m caught off guard.

  “H-huh?” I ask, not knowing what else to say.

  “I’m talking about what happened to you earlier today. I won’t say what it is—because I know you’re embarrassed about it. Also, we don’t have to talk about it or anything. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in your pain… I … I can feel it, too... it sucks. It’s sad. It’s really sad…”

  What is he talking about? Why does he sound like he knows exactly what happened to me today? Was he there? I don’t remember seeing him there—oh wait! That’s right. I almost forgot... he can read my mind.

  Ah! So that means he knows what I was just thinking about? Ah! Now he’s gonna think I don’t like him or want to be around him because I was startled. Please, that’s not true at all. I’m like this with everybody.

  “It’s alright, Taiyo. I already know. Don’t worry about what you’re thinking around me, because I already know, and I know why. I know why you think and feel the way you do. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. You may feel you have to with other people... for fear of being misunderstood… but you’ll never have to do that with me. You know why. But I get it. I get that you hate being misunderstood and judged for it. Everybody does.”

  “Hey, you’re the new guy, aren’t you?” Hearing a familiar voice, Yuuto and I look to find Yumi behind us in line. How did I not notice her there? “And hey, Taiyo.” She waves and smiles at me. She remembers my name? I know we’re from the same village and everything... but we never talk. “Are you two friends already?” She keeps her eyes on me. Something about this seems to surprise Yuuto after facing her. “Where do you always hide, Taiyo? I don’t see you often.” She cuts Yuuto in line to approach me and fix my hair. She grins upon embrace. “You’re cute with your messy hair and all, but...” She takes her time fiddling, my body pulsating with excitement being this close to a beautiful girl like her. “There, now you look even better.” She pauses to admire her work.

  I try and think of something to say, but as usual… nothing. She faces Yuuto. “So... Taiyo must really like you… uh...”

  “Yuuto,” he says.

  “Nice to meet you, Yuuto.” She grins. “Taiyo never talks to anyone. So you must be someone really special if he talks to you.”

  Is that what she thinks? Is that what everyone thinks? And how does she know that Yuuto and I talked? Was she in there in the cell with us last night? Oh no… did she hear what we talked about?

  “You were in the cell with us last night?” Yuuto asks her, but his voice sounds calm. “You heard us talking, but you didn’t hear what we were talking about?”

  “I almost didn’t recognize Taiyo’s voice. I never heard him talk so much before. You guys sounded like you were really into whatever you were talking about. What were... you talking about anyway?”

  My heart skips a beat. I gulp. I can’t tell her the truth. So what do I say? “W-we were-”

  Suddenly, Yuuto nudges me until I give him my attention. I stop and face him.

  He’s facing outside the line, gulping. I look that way, too. Then, I shudder and gasp.

  Judan stands glaring at us with his arms crossed. Noticing him there is like spotting a ghost. How… how long has he been there?

  None of us say a word. He examines each of us. When he looks at me, I stiffen, and gulp. “Yes, Taiyo… tell everybody what you and the new one were discussing last night…” My jaw loosens. He encloses me, scrutinizing so intensely I feel like my face is melting.

  Am I not certain he can read minds? Then again, maybe he wouldn’t have to with me. I’m easy to read. I scream suspicion every time someone looks at me—even if I haven’t actually done anything.

  I’m going to be the reason everything is revealed—I know it. If there’s anyone to spill our secret, it’s me—because it’s impossible for me to ever be calm.

  “Is there something I need to know, Taiyo?” He awaits my reply, but I respond with a downpour of sweat. “You’d better tell me if there is, because if I find out the hard way…” He pauses. “You’re not going to like it.” He glances at Yuuto, then at Yumi, and then back at me. “And neither will your friends.” He faces Yuuto again. “I forgot. What was your name again?”

  “Yu-Yuuto…”

  “Yuuto. That’s right. I won’t forget again.”

  He studies each of us again for five agonizing seconds… then, he walks off.

  We exhale in relief. Goodness. I can breathe again.

  When it’s me and Yuuto’s turn to collect our food, we look for somewhere to sit. We were one of the last ones to get in line, so there aren’t many spots to choose from at the table. Yumi sits before Yuuto and I have even browsed.

  I decide to let Yuuto select our seats, because I get too anxious doing it. My face glues to the ground, hiding behind him while he chooses. He’s taking a while… I knew we should have been first in line. I hate being the last, because there are no spots left available at this crammed table that barely fits the thirty of us.

  Finally, Yuuto chooses a spot and leads us to it. We squeeze in between two people who do their best to provide room for us, which is minimal to none.

  I wait until after Yuuto and I have settled in to see who is beside me. The reason I do this is is because I’m too self-conscious to look at anyone while standing—because I feel like I’m the spotlight. I have to blend in before I can relax and scan my surroundings.

  But I stop breathing when I look to my right…

  I have to.

  Because if I don’t…

  I’ll hyperventilate...

  No, no. I can’t believe this. I cannot believe this…

  No…

  S-she… she is right… here... beside me. I’m literally squeezed right next to her. Oh… oh my gosh... of all the spots to choose…

>   Yuuto leans in to whisper, “I’m sorry, Taiyo. I had to. There was nowhere else left to sit. And I know that part of you would rather sit beside her than me.”

  What? I’d rather sit beside her than him? Is he right? I… I think he is. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I think I am glad that Kagami is sitting beside me instead of Yuuto. I mean of course I am, right? I mean, I’m literally shoulder to shoulder with the girl of my dreams right now. That should be an exciting thing—no doubt I’m blushing bright red.

  But… at the same time… this terrifies me. This terrifies me because of everything that had happened between us recently… and... consecutively. I’m certain she feels humiliated by it all. No doubt she feels uncomfortable to be anywhere near me. Every time I’m around her, something unbearably awkward happens. I’m certain she’s overwhelmed. I’m certain she’s trying to avoid any more of that from happening… and then… this happens…

  I’m terrified… I feel like I’m agitating her to the point where she’ll complain in front of everyone about how uncomfortable I make her feel...

  So what do I do now? I can’t try to talk to her again… I won’t. I’m not going to humiliate her again—she’s had enough of that from me. I need to leave her alone—let her enjoy her meal in peace. Don’t worry, kagami. I won’t bother you again, or cause a commotion that will embarrass you.

  Hopefully, she won’t even notice me sitting beside her. I’m terrified at how she’ll react, and what she’ll think when she turns around and sees me next to her like this…

  But what if she already noticed me?

  Whatever the case, I have to show her I can be around her without making her feel unbearably uncomfortable.

  I won’t bother her. I’ll leave her alone. I won’t even look at her. I won’t do anything that will make her uncomfortable. I’ll leave her alone, and live my own life. Don’t worry...

  Suddenly, her elbow hits me. “S-sorry,” she says right before I do. She only turns halfway to look at me, her body tense.

  I return to eating like nothing happened. Several minutes of silence pass. The longer I remain silent and pretend her presence means nothing to me, the more I get frustrated with myself. I feel I need to say something, or do something… anything—but I can’t. I know I can’t. And even if I wanted to... I couldn’t anyway. I don’t have the ability. I feel too inhibited right now. I’m self-conscious about every little thing I’m doing. I’m blank. I’m tense. I’m paralyzed—unable to think of anything except how anxious I feel. I feel like I’m mentally handicapped.

  Ah! I hate this. I hate this so much. Am I doing the right thing? Really? Is this the only way? Why doesn’t it feel right, then? Why do I feel sad? Why do I feel tempted to hate myself again? I’m denying my wants, desires, and needs. I want to talk to her. I feel like I should. But I also feel like I shouldn’t, and I can’t… Ah! What do I do? What do I do?

  Stop it, Taiyo. You’re not meant to be with her. Just accept it… and leave her alone...

  “Taiyo,” Yuuto whispers suddenly. I’m startled, jumping out of my head and back into the present moment. Immediately, I forgot what I was just thinking about. “Say something to her. She fears you don’t like her because you keep ignoring her. It doesn’t even matter what. Just look at her and say something, anything.”

  No… no I can’t… he doesn’t understand…

  “I do understand, Taiyo. I can read your mind, remember? You’re not thinking clearly right now. You’re too scared. Take a deep breath and relax. You can do this.”

  What? Huh? That’s right. He can read my mind. I’d almost forgotten. That means he can understand me… right?

  But wait… what he said... that can’t be right. It doesn’t make any sense. There’s no way she wants me to talk to her. He has to be mistaken.

  “I’m not mistaken, Taiyo. It’s the truth. I read it from her mind. She’s afraid you don’t like her because you’re ignoring her. Please, say something to her. Don’t ignore her, or she’ll feel bad about herself.”

  But I don’t understand… how can that be true? It can’t. She hates me. She’s embarrassed by me. She’s creeped out by me, I’m sure of it… aren’t I? I mean how could she not be after everything I’ve done?

  “Your thoughts are not true, Taiyo. Your fear is lying to you. She does not think any of those things about you at all.”

  He’s just saying that to make you feel better, Taiyo. He pities you. He’s read your mind and can see how pathetic you are—and how terrible you are with women. In fact, it’s because he can read your mind that he pities you more than any other mind he’s ever read. You’re probably the most pathetic mind he’s ever read from. I mean who else is this pathetic with girls? Of course he’ll never admit it. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and let you know the truth. He can clearly see that you’re too weak and pathetic to handle it.

  “Hi, I’m Yuuto. What’s your name?” Yuuto whispers to Kagami across from me, tapping her. Startled, she spins towards him with wide eyes.

  “Huh? Oh, hi.” She brushes her hair behind her ear, grinning. I keep my face forward, eating my food like nothing is going on… but on the inside, I’m trying not to panic. “I’m Kagami.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, Kagami.”

  “You’re the new guy, right?”

  “I am.”

  “I’m so sorry you had to get dragged in our suffering.”

  “Everything happens for a reason, I suppose. Some good has come out of it. I met Taiyo after all.” I shudder when I hear my name mentioned. All I can think to do is pretend I didn’t hear it. “You know, Taiyo, right?”

  I feel her eyes on me. I stop breathing—keep her from seeing me breathe too hard and fast. Then, she faces the table, bowing her head. “Y-yeah. Of course. We’re from the same village. We all know each other.”

  “Have you gotten to know him well?”

  “W-who?”

  “Taiyo?”

  She hesitates to answer. “Well… uh… not really I guess...”

  “Why not?”

  I choke on my rice, coughing. Why is he doing this to me? Can’t he read my mind and see that I’m panicking right now? I can’t handle this. I don’t want to hear her answer...

  “I… uh…” My heart pounds as I wait. “Don’t know…”

  “Does Taiyo not talk to you?”

  She hesitates again. I feel her eyes back on me. “N-no.”

  “Taiyo, how come you don’t talk to Kagami?” I choke on my rice again—I should just give up eating today… maybe forever. “You’re both from the same village, right?”

  I freeze. I don’t look at him. I don’t look at her. I can’t move. I can barely hear anything… nothing but my heart pounding.

  Suddenly, he places his hand on my shoulder, gesturing me to look at him. The feel of his touch immediately calms me down slightly and I’m able to face him. I’m met with warm green eyes: calm, collective, and caring. In his eyes, I can see him saying to me, don’t worry. It’s going to be alright. Calm down. Relax. “Right, Taiyo? You’re both from the same village. It would make sense for you both to talk and get to know each other, wouldn’t it? Especially in these hard times?”

  “Y-yeah.”

  He gestures me to turn around towards Kagami. I do so and face her. Her eyes widen and so do mine. I completely lose my train of thought and can’t think of anything to say. My whole body trembles.

  “Uh… hi…” she says, awkwardly waving and smiling.

  I awkwardly wave back. I try to smile, but I don’t feel it comes out right. “H-hi.”

  We stare silently at each other. I can’t think of what to say, but for some reason... I feel ecstatic to be facing her… and having her face me. I almost don’t care that I feel inhibited and can’t think of what to say. I’m okay with just looking at her beautiful face. And my god, isn’t she beautiful?

  I can’t help it. My lips slowly curve into a smile…

  But then…

  So do her
s...

  Slam! Suddenly, a Darkane soldier bangs the table in between us. “What are you deaf?” he shouts as we both shudder. “How many time’s do I have to tell ya before you move? Dinner time’s over. Go back to your cells!”

  #

  “Today went well, don’t you think?” Yuuto asks me in the cell when the soldier on guard falls asleep and snores. Yuuto and I were put in the same cell again with a few others.

  “Yeah… I guess…”

  “Why do you guess?”

  Well… you know. You can read my mind, can’t you?”

  “Yes, but I want you to say it. It helps you become more aware of what you’re thinking and feeling.”

  “I… I couldn’t think of anything to say. I hate that. I feel like she’ll think I’m an idiot or a… you know.”

  “A what? Go ahead and say it.”

  “A creep.”

  “She doesn’t think either of those things about you, so don’t worry.”

  “Maybe not today while you were there, but what about all the other times when you weren’t?”

  “You don’t understand how my power works. When I see someone, I see the core of their thoughts and feelings. People have thousands of thoughts throughout the day, but everyone has thoughts that are most dominate—that shape up their core feelings about who they are and how they see the world around them. You think thousands of different thoughts about me a day—thoughts you’re conscious of, and thoughts you’re not conscious of. So, to figure out how you truly feel, I look to see which thoughts are most dominant. These make up your true feelings about me. By this, I know exactly how you feel about me, Taiyo… just as much as I know how Kagami feels about you.”