Free To Be

by Adam Lynch

  I gasp. “No! Don’t tell me! I don’t want to know...”

  “Hmm...”

  “I already know it’s nothing good...”

  “Why do you assume it’s all bad? Like there’s no other possibility? You don’t think it’s possible for her to think good of you? You’re so sure. You state it like it’s fact—and in front of a mind-reader who’s read her mind and knows the truth. How absurd is that?”

  “But what if you’re wrong? What if you misread?”

  “I don’t. I can’t. I see people’s minds as clearly as I see you in front of me. It’s the same with how you’re able to hear what a flower says to you—as clear as a whistle.”

  “Why would she think anything good about me? I’m always such a weirdo around her.”

  “Can I tell you what your problem is, Taiyo? Your problem is that you’re determined to view things only from one perspective, and it’s always a negative one. I notice you’re always assuming that people think the worst about you, and never considering that people can think good of you. You don’t even pay attention to it, like the good thoughts people have of you aren’t true, and they don’t matter. You’re especially like this with people you’re most afraid of getting hurt by, like Kagami. You assume she only thinks negatively of you and will deny any other view of thought—especially any positive ones. Why? Is it because you don’t believe she could ever think positively of you? Why? Could it be because you don’t think positively of yourself?”

  “I definitely don’t think positively of myself.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because there’s nothing good about me.”

  “Is that the objective truth, or is that just how you feel about yourself?”

  “I’m sure everyone agrees with me.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I see how they look and react.”

  “Yes, you see how they look and react, but how do you know what they’re thinking? They can look and be thinking something completely different. The problem with you is you’re assuming what they’re thinking, and it’s always something negative. This unconditional negative bias comes from how you feel about yourself, and you just said that you don’t think there’s anything good about you. So this makes sense why you feel everyone else would think the same.”

  “But even if I think better of myself, it’s not going to change how others feel about me.”

  “Yes, nobody can control how others feel, but your problem is that you think people only feel negatively about you. Some people might, but not everybody. I’m not going to say that you shouldn’t care what people think, because the truth is… we all want people to like us. We do. It’s just that not everyone will, and that’s okay. So what I’m saying to you is that it’s important to have a balance. It’s okay to want to be loved—we all want to be loved—but don’t expect everyone to love you, and be okay with that. But just because some people don’t like you, doesn’t mean that you’re unlovable, and it doesn’t mean that there aren’t many people who do like you. Don’t block yourself from accepting love entirely by telling yourself that nobody likes you just because some don’t. You don’t need everyone’s approval to like yourself. You’re not entitled to hate yourself just because some don’t approve of you, when there are many others who do. Let go of those who don’t approve of you. Teach yourself to agree with those who do. There are people who approve of you, Taiyo. Like me. I approve of you. Don’t you think I’m right for approving of you?”

  “I… I don’t know…”

  “When someone doesn’t approve of you, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with you. The truth is, you can’t control people, or control what they think. Release control. Accept that some people like you, and be okay that some people don’t. Ignore the ones who think badly of you, and teach yourself to agree with the ones who think good of you. Above all, Taiyo, accept that people can and do think good of you. Accept that there are good things about you and in you. When people think these good things about you, they mean it. They don’t say these things because they pity you. They don’t say these things as a courtesy. Believe them, Taiyo. Agree with them. Stop focusing on the negative things people say and think about you. Stop objectifying and thinking that everybody feels the same way. Focus on positive things people say about you. Believe them. Agree with them. Connect with them. Because nobody wants to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. And you don’t want to be alone either. That’s why we’re friends. Right, Taiyo?”

  “Y-yeah.”

  “Now I approve of you. I like you. I think you have many amazing qualities. Do you believe me?”

  “I… yes… I guess…”

  “Will you agree with me?”

  “I… I’ll try… I really will.”

  “I know you will. And that’s okay. That’s good enough. Don’t pressure yourself. All I’m trying to say to you is that I really do want to be your friend… and I want you to see why…”

  I smile. Then I face him. “Thanks, Yuuto.”

  He smiles back. “Of course. That’s what friends do. They help each other. And helping a friend is never a burden.”

  “But I’m probably more than you bargained for, right?”

  “No way. I’m happy to be using my powers to help someone. By helping you, I feel like I’m making my life worth something.”

  “You’re worth more to me than anything I’ve ever had, Yuuto.”

  He bows. “Thank you for saying that, Taiyo. It’s one thing to think something in your head, but it’s entirely another to speak it aloud. Thank you for your words... I am deeply humbled...”

  “No! Thank you! Thank you for helping me, and trying to be my friend even though I’m such a pain...”

  “You’re not a pain, Taiyo. Your problems are actually more common than you think. How do you think I know so much? But in spite everything I’ve learned, I also struggle with self-hate and lack of confidence. Oftentimes, I see myself as purposeless and random. I have the power to read minds… but so what? What have I done with it for it to matter? If someone else had had it, would they have done much more? Furthermore, who am I without this power? Is there any significance to me without my mind-reading ability? I wonder about that sometimes. I can read minds and understand the present pretty well, but I can’t foresee the future. Sometimes, I wish I could, and see if my life ever bears any significance for the world.”

  Suddenly, I feel led to embrace him with arms wrapped tightly around him. He gasps. “Well, you’re already changing my world.”

  He’s silent and unresponsive at first. Then slowly, he wraps his arms around me, trembling.

  Then he weeps.

  Unexpected Expedition

  “H

  ey flower talker!” exclaims a lively male voice, running up behind me and slapping his arm around my neck.

  I jump, but relax once I realize it’s only Akio. He takes a bite out of a strange looking plant I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before. It’s a red and purple stalk with red leaves and oddly shaped branches. It looks like some kind of bug.

  “What are you eating, dude?” Yumi asks him with a skeptical face, approaching from behind me. I’m wondering the same thing. But I guess he must know if he’s eating it.

  “I haven’t the slightest idea,” he replies, shrugging. “I was about to ask Mr. Flower Talker here.”

  “Is it edible?”

  “It tastes good. Want to try some?”

  “Um, no thanks.”

  “Suite yourself.” He takes another big crunchy bite. It looks like he bit through a tree branch. I don’t know how his teeth are even strong enough to bite it. He faces me. “What about you, Flower Talker? Want to try? What is this anyway? You should know from talking to plants all the time, right?”

  “I… I don’t know.”

  He laughs. “Well, it’s good if you want to try it.”

  “Nobody wants to eat your log, sir,” says Yumi. “You shouldn’t be eati
ng it either. Why is it purple? Where did you even find such a thing?” He shrugs, taking another bite. “What do you mean you don’t know, stupid?! What if it’s poisonous?!”

  “It doesn’t taste poisonous.”

  She snatches the plant away. “You freaking idiot. How have you survived this long?”

  “Hey, it’s better than starving. We’ll be hiking in this wilderness for 2 days, and I betcha we’re not gonna get fed a thing the entire run.”

  “What do you mean he’s not gonna feed us? Of course he is. What strength are we gonna have to get us through this 2-day expedition otherwise?”

  “I’m warning you. You’d better start searching for anything you can find. Although, good luck if you find anything. We’ve pretty much harvested everything for the Darkane already. And there’s nothing edible near the Indupai mountains where we’re headed. Normally, there are loads of wildlife around, but you know as well as I, Yumi, that there hasn’t been any anywhere for a while for whatever reason.”

  “What, really?” I ask, my curiosity making me forget about my social anxiety a second. “You guys haven’t seen any wildlife out here during your missions? Not even birds or small critters?”

  “No. Nothing man,” says Akio.

  “But why? I-I don’t understand...”

  “I know. It freaks me out, too, dude,” Akio replies. “It’s not natural… there must be something out there scaring them away… something really dangerous.”

  “Don’t listen to him, Taiyo. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about—about anything,” Yumi says, pulling his attention. “Do you not see the basket Talden’s carrying on his back?” The three of us look ahead at Talden who’s leading us through the forest buried in orange, red, and yellow leaves. Over his shoulders on his back rests a square basket enclosed. None of us know what’s inside it.

  “That’s food for himself,” he says, facing her again.

  “That giant basket?”

  “It’s not that big.”

  “You’re telling me he wouldn’t throw in a little rice for us in that whole thing?”

  “You think that would actually come across his mind, Yumi? Do you know this man? He’s a first-class, selfish prick. He’s not like Judan or Valida. It doesn’t matter if we’re overnighting in the wilderness. I know this man and I guarantee you, he won’t look back a single time to check on us this whole trip. You can wait and watch if you want, but I’m going to look around for anything I can find.”

  “You’re not going to find anything. It’s like you said, there’s nothing left out here.”

  “I found this, didn’t I?” He snatches the purple plant from Yumi and bites into it again, sounding loud obnoxious crunch sounds.

  Yumi huffs. “Our dinner is in that basket. I know it.”

  “Don’t count on it.”

  I have mixed feelings about this expedition. I’m excited because I love hiking and exploring new places. Akio said we’re headed to Indupai mountains—I’ve never been there, but I’ve always wanted to. It’s just that it is a very long hike, which makes sense why we’re camping there, but I hope my body is strong enough to make it.

  I’m happy to finally get away from the fort. I’ve only ever been selected to go on a mission one time… and that was in the beginning when we were first enslaved to test my ability. Once they realized how useless I was, I was never selected since. That’s why I’m surprised I was selected this time. They know how useless I am and yet Talden picked me? And not the usual Akio, Yumi, Katsu, or Sadao? I don’t have any skills. I’m terrible at hunting and fighting. I’m spacey, and don’t respond quickly because I’m life-crippling anxious all the time. It’s actually because of this that I’m not good at anything really, which is why I’m always assigned guard duty instead of missions or any other kind of labor assignments. Yet… I’m picked for a 2-day expedition that apparently is out of the norm. I don’t know if I’ll survive this, but I’ll try… I guess.

  Then again… before we became enslaved by the Darkane, I use to hike the forests all the time, meeting animals and making friends, but that was a long time ago. I’ve gotten out of shape, and have become very unhealthy. I pull up my rags to examine my body. Yup—I look like a shriveled mummy. I’ve always been skinny, but never anorexic like this. We’re barely fed because all the food we’ve harvested and hunted for the Darkane have gone to them. After feeding 200 men, the 30 of us Leferians are fortunate to collect whatever rice is leftover from our small village fields. I used to be able to venture out on long hikes, but now I’ll be surprised if I survive this whole thing. What choice do I have, though?

  I don’t want to die yet—there are things I still need to accomplish—but I fear the worst… and wonder if I should start preparing myself for it.

  To calm myself, I take a breath of fresh air, looking up at the sky. The air is cool and not too harsh. The sky is overcast with clouds. I see the trees thick with colored leaves of red, orange, and yellow. I feel the cool of the wind as it slips through the trees, blowing leaves—I can almost catch it in the palm of my hand as it encircles playfully, tickling my skin. I breathe in through my nose slowly, taking in the strong scent and aroma that nature offers. After a brief high, I exhale, blinking slowly in sober mindfulness. Ah. Not so bad. I think I may enjoy this after all. It’s been so long. I’ve forgotten what it’s like… how nice it is. I’ve forgotten how much nature calms me, and awakens my senses. It’s like I’m awakening from a long and deep slumber.

  My ears sharpen, and the songs of the wind sound more coherent. I hear the difference of every note, catch every pause, and notice all fluctuations. A language is being spoken—the language of the wind. I thought everyone could do this and so thought nothing of it, but then Yuuto opened my eyes like never before, stating that only I can do such a thing. Am I special or a freak because of it? Whichever it is, no one can know anyway, and somehow that brings comfort to me. I allow my senses to be swayed more deeply inside the hidden language of the forest, eavesdropping closer into the singing of the wind. It’s becoming so clear. I can hear what it’s saying: Be-….be-hind….be-…be-hind you.

  My eyes widen. Sobered back in reality, I spin around. My body shudders in surprise. I’m taken aback, losing my balance and falling on my back. Ju-Judan?!

  His eyes peel. For a second, he almost looks as terrified and surprised as I am.

  “Huh? What’s wrong?” Akio asks, spinning around after hearing me stumble.

  Yumi screams, muffling her mouth a second later. She huffs. “You! You scared me!”

  A surprised look on his face, Akio then looks at me and appears impressed. I exchange eye contact with him not understanding why, but he examines me like he’s intrigued by something.

  “What is it, Judan?” Talden asks from ahead, sounding annoyed as he stops and turns around.

  But Judan can’t take his eyes off of me. He’s analyzing me, like I did something to make him disturbed by me. He approaches me and crouches down. His eyes are focused and intense—even more so now than usual I think. Then, he slowly opens his lips and whispers to me: How did you know I was behind you?

  “Brother,” Talden shouts so audibly he can’t ignore. He faces him and stands up.

  “First, I have to ask out of curiosity: why did you decide to bring this one with you?” He points to me. “Is there something you know about him that I don’t?”

  “He’s here to become a man. Real danger is what he needs to man up—instead of cowering by the danger that’s in his head.”

  “You forgot to brief with us again this morning before taking off,” he says.

  “I told everyone what I was going to do last night.”

  “We have to brief again together every morning. A lot changes overnight.”

  “I don’t have time to waste morning light on the usual gossip nonsense.”

  “Well this morning our sources updated us with important information. The unidentified enemy force that they’ve spotted approaching our direc
tion from north of the Indupai mountains where your team is headed, may be the Starlights.”

  Talden scoffs. “Starlights? Coming way over here to this small country? I don’t think so.”

  “Your team will be the first ones to find out. Once you climb the Indupai mountains, you’ll be the closest scouts to their last known position, and the first to identify them. I wanted to make sure you received this update, so you’d be extra cautious up there just in case.”

  “It’s not the Starlights. One of the world’s most powerful armies wouldn’t come to a small hidden country like Leferia.”

  “We’ll know the truth soon enough. But whoever this enemy force turns out out be, they need to be identified as soon as possible so we can plan accordingly.”

  Talden nods, turning around and continuing ahead. “Thanks for the update, brother.”

  “Be safe, brother. My team will proceed as planned last night. No changes.”

  He waves goodbye as he continues hiking. Judan sees him off, crossing his arms. Then, he turns to look at me again… holding that same look of curiosity and fear in his eyes as when I noticed him behind me. I look away, holding my limbs close to my body and making myself appear as small and non-intimidating as possible. I’m nothing. Don’t worry. I’m nothing you have to feel cautious about.

  I walk away with the others, not looking back. I’m afraid the second I do, I’ll be bitten by the rattling snakes in his eyes.

  #

  We progress through the forest. I don’t hear any footsteps behind me, but just in case out of paranoia, I whisper to the wind, asking it if Judan or anything else is sneaking behind me. No, you’re okay, Taiyo.

  Hearing this, I sigh with relief. I loosen up my muscles, including all the tension on my face, and around my eyes. Everyone is in front of me. And since I’m certain that nobody’s behind me—even after turning around and checking for myself—I know I can loosen up and relax. I no longer feel like I have to put up my guard. My body doesn’t have to activate “survival mode”, where my body floods with adrenaline. All the muscles in my body—especially the area around my eyes—don’t have to tense up and stiffen. I can loosen up and relax. There are no more eyes on me. No more expectations. No more judgment. No more overthinking everything before I do something mindset. I want to enjoy this for as long as I can, because for me, it’s not often, and it never lasts.