Free To Be

by Adam Lynch

  We cover a lot of distance in the forest since Judan had lurked behind me. Talden, a very fast hiker, is already more than twenty feet ahead of us—it’s like he doesn’t care if we get lost. Or if something happens to us. Or if we flat-out escape.

  I wonder if this would be the best time to try and escape—or during any expedition, really. Then again, if it was, why haven’t Akio, Sadao, Yumi, and Katsu tried it yet?

  Or what if… they were planning on trying it today? Oh no, I hope not. I can’t be involved in something like that… not now. I’m not ready. If I’m involved, I know I’d ruin it somehow. I’m slow to process things. I’m unreliable. Also, I’d probably panic in the middle of it and freeze up. If and when an escape plan happens, I can’t be involved in it. I’d get in the way and make things harder for everyone.

  “Hey, Taiyo,” I shudder as Akio whispers to me suddenly, walking beside me and triggering my self-consciousness. “How did you do that, man?”

  “D-do what?”

  “How did you know he was behind you? I saw you spin around when none of us heard a thing. And no one is ever able to hear that guy. He’s like a ninja. But it looked like you did. Did you hear him coming somehow?”

  “I… uh… no, I didn’t.” Technically, I didn’t hear anything. It was the wind that told me. So I’m not lying.

  “You didn’t hear him? Did you see him?”

  “No… no I didn’t.”

  “Really? You didn’t? Then how did you know he was behind you?”

  “I…” I pause. Wait… I can’t tell him. I can’t tell anybody. Not even Akio, a Leferian like me...

  Not knowing how to proceed, I turn my head away from him and continue walking. I’m hoping Akio will get confused and move on, but he’s persistent instead. “Wait, Taiyo. What were you going to say? How did you know Judan was behind you?”

  “I… I don’t know.”

  “What? You don’t know? What do you mean?”

  “I…”

  “How could you not know? It’s not like you got lucky and knew to spin around suddenly.” He throws his arm around my neck and whispers in my ear. “Come on, man, Talden’s way ahead of us. He won’t hear anything. Tell me. What’s your secret, man? How did you catch the ninja behind you?”

  What do I do? I don’t know what he wants me to say. “I… I really don’t know. I think I just got lucky.”

  He pulls away from me and gives me a skeptical look. Scaring me, I look away and pretend that he’s not actually upset with me. “Dude, listen. I don’t know if you know, but me, Yumi, Katsu, and Sadao are planning an escape for everyone soon. If we’re unable to free everyone from their cells during our initiated escape, our plan was to escape with just the four of us, travel to where my relatives live, and get them to help us overthrow the Darkane so we can get our land back and save the whole village. Now listen, to do that successfully, we need to know how to get around the Darkane’s quirks, that includes Judan’s ninja surprises. As you can imagine, those could be a big problem for us if we don’t see them coming. You get what I’m saying, man?”

  I don’t look at him. “I-I’m sorry, Akio. I can’t tell you. It’s of grave importance that I keep it a secret.”

  He scoffs, shaking his head. “Fine, whatever. Don’t tell me. Just join our team then. That technique of yours—however you do it—could end up saving all our lives.”

  My eyes expand and my heart pounds. What? Join their team? Me? Does he not know who I am? How incompetent I am at everything? He thinks I would help with the mission? I would cost them everything. I can’t risk that for them. “I… I don’t think you’d want me to be on your team.”

  “It’s not about what I want, bro. It’s about what we need. I need all the best talents we have on deck, and your talent could protect us from getting caught. So are you in, bro?”

  My body starts shaking, including my voice. “I… I… I can’t.”

  “What do you mean you can’t? We need you, bro. The village needs you.”

  “N-no they don’t. They need you… you, Yumi, Katsu, and Sadao. I would ruin everything. I’m sure of it.”

  “Dude, I get that you’re scared. I’m scared too. We all are.” He steps in front of me, places his hands on my shoulders and looks directly at me with intense eyes. “But we have to be brave, man. It’s not just for me. It’s not just for you. It’s for all of us. It’s for our home. Don’t you understand? Every one of us has to make a sacrifice. We need your help.”

  Why does he keep saying that? I’m useless. I’m not good at anything. How does he not know that? He’s known me my whole life. I’d ruin everything if I was a part of the operation. For all our sakes, I can’t risk that. Why doesn’t he understand?

  “I… I feel like I’d only get in the way. I don’t think you realize… I’m not talented like you guys.”

  “So then you won’t join us?”

  “I… I’m sorry, but I feel it’s for the best.”

  “There’s nothing I can say to make you change your mind?”

  “I… I…”

  He scoffs, pulls away, and throws his arms in the air. “Whatever, man. Don’t worry. I’ll think of something. You just sit back and stay safe…”

  I’m sorry, Akio… but I know myself. You don’t realize how much of a disaster I’d bring if I joined you guys. You don’t realize how much I’d ruin everything… cost everything. For all our sakes, I can’t risk that for everyone. I have to not be involved… and let those more reliable and capable, handle it. Even if you hate me for it… it’s okay, I hate myself for it, too… but I know it’s for the best…

  #

  Several hours pass in awkward silence. I try to distract myself by observing my surroundings and enjoying it—after all, I haven’t traveled outside of the fort in a long time. The trees are more spread apart now, allowing the overcast light to reach us and unveil how eye-appealing this forest is. Red, orange, and yellow leaves sprinkle from the rich and dark barks—every tree still retains most of its leaves. The forest is silent—no birds, wildlife, or anything else but the wind and our feet shuffling through the leaves. As I listen a while to this, I notice a certain rhythm to the shuffling, a certain music—like nature is singing or communicating something to me. I look around me in awe, and then ahead at Yumi, Akio, and Talden—none of them react at all. Am I really the only one who can hear things like this?

  I listen closer to the singing foot shuffles. What are they saying? Keep going. Keep going, Taiyo. You can do it. You’re doing great. Keep doing your best.

  Keep doing my best? Is that what the earth is saying to me? Keep doing my best? Keep doing my best at what? I’m not doing anything except what I’m forced to do. What have I done to deserve such encouragement? I want to ask the earth this, but I don’t. I look ahead at Talden who’s a distance in the lead, and then at Akio and Yumi who are not far ahead of me. I remember not do anything to draw attention or suspicion to myself. I have to avoid talking to anything that’s not a human when others are around.

  But will they hear me if I whisper? Should I try? No… I’d better not.

  The earth continues saying nice things to me and I don’t know why, so I ignore. I direct my attention elsewhere, noticing large rocks mounted on top of each other. In some areas, they stack high like small mountains.

  Ahead, I spot a clearing. As we approach that clearing, the elevation increases significantly and I lose my breath ascending. Ah… I’m so out of shape. I feel so pathetic. Keep going, Taiyo. You can do it. Don’t give up. I’m hearing these words again… louder than ever before. For some reason, it stirs an anger in me, and I think of challenging the reality of these words. Keep going? Yeah, I’ll keep going. I’ll keep going for as long as I can, until this strenuous hike steals my last breath. I can do it? I can’t do anything. I can try doing things… but look at how far that has gotten me in life. Don’t give up? I’m about to… I’m honestly about to.

  No, I don’t really mean that. I’d never giv
e up. But I often feel like giving up… I’m trying, God. I really am… but why did you have to make me so weak and pathetic?

  “You okay, Taiyo?” Yumi asks me suddenly. She pulls me out of my thoughts and I look down from the sky to face her.

  “Huh?”

  “You were making a frustrated look at the sky.” My eyes peel. I was?! Oh no. Is she suspicious of me now? Does she know I have supernatural powers? Is it over? Have I already revealed myself and ruined everything? “It’s okay. I do that all the time.” she winks, allowing me to loosen up a bit.

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. Everyone does. You’re not the only freak out there you know, ha ha.”

  “You can understand what the sky is saying?”

  She laughs. “What? No, but it doesn’t stop me from talking to it. We get lonely. I know I do. Do you get lonely, Taiyo? I don’t normally see you talking to anybody… except for that new guy. What was his name again?”

  “Yuuto.”

  “Do you like him?”

  “Yeah. He’s nice.”

  “Well, I’m nice… how come you don’t talk to me?”

  Wait… huh? Does she want me to talk to her? Since when? And why? Why would she want to talk to me? I thought everybody thought I was weird… I’m confused.

  “I… you… do you want me to talk to you?”

  She looks away and brushes her hair. “Well, not if you don’t want to. I’m not trying to force you to do anything. I just don’t get why you’re so open with him when you just met him, but we’ve known each other our whole lives and we barely know anything about each other. Is it because you don’t like me? Do you think I’m annoying? It’s because you think I’m annoying, isn’t it? Am I annoying you now?”

  “No, no, no. You’re not! You’re not… annoying.” Is this really how she feels? But why? This makes no sense. “Why do you think that I think you’re annoying?”

  “Because everybody thinks I’m annoying... and I thought that since you don’t talk to me, you thought the same thing.”

  “I don’t think you’re annoying, Yumi. I promise you.”

  She grins and her beautiful smile is unveiled. Even as unhealthy as we are, she retains so much health to her skin, her teeth, and her hair. She’s such a vibrant, radiant, and beautiful girl. I don’t understand why someone like her would even care what I think.

  She throws her hands behind my neck. Her grins extends. She laughs and then tears roll down her eyes. “That’s so sweet, Taiyo. Thank you for saying that.”

  I’m breathless. I can’t believe how close she is to me right now. She’s so beautiful. What perfect and clear skin…

  But no… she’s not the one I want…

  And that’s what upsets me...

  To think… that the woman who’s my first kiss’s distance away from me….

  Is not the woman I’ve always dreamed it would be.

  “What? She asks, wiping away her tears. “You look upset. What are you thinking?”

  “Hey guys!” Akio shouts at us from afar. “You know Talden is not going to stop and wait for us, right?”

  Yumi rolls her eyes. She lets go of me, and faces Akio. “Good, then we’ll run away.”

  “Ha, yeah I tried that already on my first mission with him, and he caught me in thirty minutes… but it was still worth it, and I’m down to try again if you are.”

  She huffs, and then snatches my hand. “Come on, Taiyo. Let’s go.” Then, she mumbles under her breath so only I can hear. “He won’t catch us when we initiate our escape plan because we’ll be long gone by the time he realizes.”

  We exit the forest when we reach the clearing at this point’s highest elevation. From here, we see a vast and far-reaching meadow. From the east and west, I spot towering waterfalls that pour into rivers descending ahead of us into Indupai Lake—the foot of the Indupai mountain range. It’s my first time seeing it. Wow. The mountain range stretches far to the east and west, and beyond the north of what I can see. From where we’re standing, we get a perfect view of the crown peak of the Indupai mountain range. The peak of the mountains really are shaped like a crown. Incredible! Thankfully, the sky is clearing and the crown’s orange tips can be seen. Since the Indupai mountains are white in color, the orange tips stick out like white paws on a black cat. I’ve heard from some in the village that the orange tips are the color they are because of minerals that were formed over time—apparently they’re rare and highly valuable. Any merchant who can get their hands on such minerals must sell a fortune.

  I inhale the fresh scent of the meadow. It filters my lungs, clears my mind, and renews my spirit. I can’t help but draw a smile to my face. I look up and feel the first few drops of rain. The sky assures me that it won’t pour down this time of day. I can relax and enjoy the cool feel of the drops without worrying about getting soaked in a few minutes.

  I feel the wind around me as we hike to the meadow from the forest’s highest elevation. The wind is cool and soothing. I breathe in and out many times. As I do this, I feel a powerful feeling of relief, like I’m releasing a thousand pounds off my back and shoulders. I feel weightless and free. I feel like I could run and skip across this meadow like a gazelle. Amazing. I’ve forgotten how this felt. It’s been so long. I’ve needed this—getting away and exploring nature. I remember it always used to be a great source of therapy for me.

  Now, more than ever, I’m thankful to be out here, and a part of this. I’m eating up every minute of it because I know that I probably won’t get this opportunity again. It’s a gift of God that I was even brought out here today. But at least I know now why Talden picked me… he said it was because I needed to become a man… I can see his reasoning. I am a wimp, a runt, a weak and pathetic boy. Oh look—I’m back to attacking myself and thinking negatively again. Yuuto was right. I do have an unconditional negative thinking bias. No matter the situation, I always view myself in the most negative way. I was finally feeling grateful and thinking positive, but then I steered my thinking in Negative Lane again. Of course I would do that. That’s all I’m good at doing. Ah dang it—there I go again: thinking negatively. I can’t stop it. How do I stop it? I feel helpless. I am helpless. What would Yuuto say about this?

  Okay, so I think negatively about myself all the time—what can I do about it? Can I stop it? I don’t think I can… that’s just who I am… a negative thinker.

  We hike down the meadow until we arrive at Indupai Lake, the lake where the rivers from the east and west waterfalls connect. Talden stops abruptly. He sits, places the basket that was on his back in front of him, pulls out an apple, and bites into it. He stares at Indupai Lake in front of us. He ponders without giving us any instruction… it’s like he’s forgotten we’re with him.

  “Wait, are we done for the day?” Yumi asks him.

  “Yes. We’ll rest here and continue our hike up the mountains tomorrow morning.”

  “What about food?”

  “What about it?”

  “What’s in the basket? Did you bring anything for us?”

  “This is my food. You’re not locked in a cage out here. Find your own food like I found mine.”

  “See. I told you, Yumi,” says Akio from a distance. Talden takes another bite from his apple, seemingly indifferent.

  “Are you serious?!” Yumi shouts at Talden with such fury that tears roll down her eyes. He turns to glare at her. “After all that food we’ve harvested for you from our fields and gardens, you couldn’t even bring a little rice for us on this 2-day strenuous hike?!”

  He stands abruptly, towering over her even from a distance. “Hey, don’t whine! You were free once. You lost to us, and thus your freedom. You don’t call the shots. You don’t make demands. We do. Be thankful I am merciful. I’m not your mother who’d supply you food. But I took you to this lake. So fish. And I’d better not hear another word from you—because if I do, I’ll give you a good reason to whine.”

  Yumi gasps and stumbles backward, but Akio
catches her and whispers. “Don’t worry, Yumi. This is actually good for us. I didn’t expect we’d camp near a body of water for the night. We have all night to fish for dinner. We’ll definitely catch something.” Her body in his hands, he redirects her towards the lake. “Come on. Let’s get started while there’s still daylight.” Then he looks at me. “Come on, Taiyo. Over here.”

  I join them by the lake. We move a distance from Talden so we can speak freely without worrying about him overhearing.

  “See? I told you that guy was a selfish, prick bastard,” Akio says to us. “I knew this was going to happen. I know this man too well. He’s completely narcissistic. He cares about no one but himself.”

  “Yeah, for real. I can’t believe it,” says Yumi. “How thoughtless can you be? Even if we are just slaves. How hard can it be to supply a little bit of rice for each of us in that big basket of his? You’re telling me that all the food in that basket is for him, and he’s not going to share any of it with us? How does he expect us to stay alive? I’m so tired and weak right now I can barely remember how to fish.”

  “Leave it to me, Yumi. If there’s fish, I’ll find them, for all of us.”

  I admire Akio’s courage and leadership. He’s always been this way—a bold and courageous leader. It’s why everyone has always followed him. It’s why people are following him now.

  We don’t have anything to fish with, but we use whatever we can find in the area. We find some sticks and sharpen them into spears using rocks. Once constructed, Akio dips in the lake, searching. Yumi and I scout from the outside.

  “You guys see anything?” he asks. Oddly, I don’t see a single fish in the river. How can this be? We wait and search for thirty minutes, but the only fish we find are dead ones. That is not good. “What’s going on here? Is the river contaminated or something?”