Free To Be

by Adam Lynch

  “What?!” asks Yumi. “It better not be. I drank a lot from it already.” My eyes peel. Oh no. I have too. If the water’s contaminated in any way, we’ll get sick. And if we get sick in our unhealthy conditions, we could die.

  “I have, too,” he says. “It tastes fine to me.”

  “Then why are all the fish dead?”

  I’m wondering the same thing. What else could cause this aside the water being contaminated? Could this possibly have to do with whatever is scaring all the animals on land and in the air away?

  I want to ask the earth… or the sky, or some source of nature that can tell me what’s going on in our country. But I know I can’t while Yumi and Akio are beside me. Sigh.

  “Great,” says Akio, tossing his stick in the air. “So I guess fishing is out of the question. How about we search the meadows?”

  “What if we don’t find anything?” asks Yumi.

  “Then we don’t eat. Plain and simple.”

  “No, no, no. Please God. I need something to eat today. I’m so hungry… after all that strenuous hiking. It’s the only thing I look forward to doing every day these days… it’s the only thing I ever think about...”

  “Don’t worry, Yumi. We’ll find something. I’ll chop my hand off and feed it to you if that’s what it takes.”

  She moans, falling on her back. I know how she feels. But thanks to the fact that I’m always so anxious, I never have as much of an appetite as the others do. Still… I feel bad for Yumi. I want to help. But I feel like searching through the meadow isn’t my best way to do that. I mean... I have super powers or something, don’t I? I should be using them to help others. Otherwise, it’s like Yuuto said, what’s the point in having them? I get why he feels that way. I have to make my existence mean something, too. I have to help.

  I sharpen my senses, making my mind, body, and spirit available for all things of nature to share with me what they may. I feel the earth beneath me rumbling. I feel the wind around me touching and cooling. I feel the tickling of the meadow grass. I hear the waves of the lake, and the voice of thunder in the far distance. I close my eyes, waiting and listening until everything around me fades into silence aside from a voice addressing me. Taiyo, I hear a voice say. Where is it coming from? Hidden high above the overcast clouds, I’m given a visual. I spot a fat brown-furred bird flapping above them. It paces slowly—I can hear every flap of her wings. I can hear the squawk of her voice. I can see the pupils of her eyes. I can see the black highlights on her brown fur—it’s as if she’s sitting right in front of me. There’s no doubt about it. Brown-furred birds are high in protein and have great taste when cooked. But they’re hard to find. When meat traders acquire these birds, they’re sold for expensive coin. This is what the clouds are whispering to me.

  Suddenly terrified I’m being watched, I open my eyes and look around. Talden is eating his apple and staring at the lake. Yumi is laying on the ground, moaning and rubbing her head. Akio is out in the meadow, searching for food. No one is paying attention. Ok. Good. I gaze up at the sky, then close my eyes again. I inhale and exhale slowly. I take a few minutes to mediate and get myself back in the zone again. Where are you? Okay, I found you.

  “But how do we get it?” I ask the clouds as softly as I can. “I can’t see it with my eyes, and we don’t have projectile weapons on us.”

  You cannot see, because your eyes are closed. Open your eyes, Taiyo.

  I do as the clouds instruct. I open my eyes, but I see nothing but overcast clouds—not a single bird. “What do I do now?”

  Spread out your hands.

  Spread out my hands? Looking at them, I extend them, and spread them facing up towards the sky. “What now?”

  Wait. We will bring you the bird.

  The clouds will bring me the bird? How? Can they do that? I had no idea I could ask the forces of nature to do things for me—moreover, that they’d be willing to do things for me.

  I’m not sure what the clouds mean, but I do as they commanded me. I stand still with my arms extended and my hands spread. Still… I feel silly doing this, and I worry if it’s stirring suspicion. Just in case, I look around at everybody and see how they’re reacting to me standing like this.

  Suddenly, an intense ray of light flashes in front of me. Kaboom! The lightning is so bright and earth-quaking that everyone screams and is taken aback—I stumble backward on my butt. Our eyes are peeled.

  I’m so shocked I can’t move. I sit idle on my butt, trembling.

  “Taiyo, watch out!” Akio shouts.

  Something from the sky crashes in my lap. It hits me so hard I fall on my back. It slips out of my lap and onto the ground—and dang was it hot! Akio and Yumi rush over. They look down on me with bug-eyes.

  “Taiyo, are you okay, dude?” Akio asks. “Talk about cheating death! You are one lucky guy.”

  “That was so scary. I’m glad you’re okay,” says Yumi, her hands on her face.

  Still in shock, I don’t say anything. I don’t even know what to say. Akio offers his hand to help me up. I accept it. “What fell on you?”

  Forgetting about it, I look to my side where it rolled. My eyes expand, realizing what it is.

  “Wait, is that…” says Yumi.

  “No way! That’s a brown-furred bird!” exclaims Akio.

  So this is it? The bird the clouds told me they were going to bring? It’s bigger and heavier than I thought—it’s a miracle this bird can fly so high above some of the clouds and out of sight. There it is: the brown-furred bird—a bird with the appearance of a turkey, but with a fatter body, bigger wings, no tail feathers, a shorter neck, and brown fur on its body, underneath its feathered wings. The bird is dead and cooked from the lightning. Steam rises from its corpse.

  “Oh my gosh…” says Yumi, staring at the ground. She raises her eyes at us, expanding them, and puts on a lively grin. Then she jumps up and down. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!”

  “We... can eat this…” says Akio, mirroring her excitement.

  “It’s a miracle from God.”

  “It is… it really is.”

  “But wait. You don’t think Talden will steal this from us, do you?”

  Reminded of his presence, we all face him. I worry about the same thing. However, his expression is not what we were expecting. He’s facing us with a curious look, but he doesn’t say anything or stand up. He appears to only be observing. After a while of silence, he bites into his apple, and then aims his attention back on the mountains again. Huh? He doesn’t care?

  “Naw,” says Akio, attracting our attention. “Even a bastard like him has standards and believes in God. If something this miraculous happened to us, then he knows it’s destiny, and it shouldn’t be messed with. He won’t bother us. Let’s thank God for the meal, and dig in.”

  But first, let’s start a fire,” Yumi says.

  “No fires!” Startled by Talden’s raised voice, we all face him again. His eyes are bulging. His face and body are tight. In less then a few seconds, he’s gone from serene, to maddening scared. “You’ll give away our position. No fires.”

  “Uh… okay,” says Yumi, awkwardly raising her hand as a gesture of apology. “Sorry.” She turns her eyes away from him, and Akio does the same. When Talden feels safe, he releases tension from his face and resumes his eating ritual. I sigh in relief as I turn my eyes from him and back on Yumi and Akio.

  “It… it should still be good,” I say, trying to rekindle their joy.

  “Oh yeah, definitely,” says Yumi. “The lightning actually cooked it up good. But even if that hadn’t happened, I’d still be super thankful for this bird. I can’t believe we got this lucky.”

  “I know, for real,” adds Akio. He faces me. “I mean God literally dropped dinner in your lap, dude… and you had your hands out like you were expecting it…”

  “What? He did?” asks Yumi, facing me.

  Akio lets out an uncomfortable laugh while seemingly studying me. I gulp, my eyes
wide, and my mind going blank. Is he on to me? Have I unveiled myself?

  He pats me on the back. “Crazy coincidence, huh? Weird day.”

  “But a good day. A really good day,” Yumi adds, staring at the bird with saliva running down her mouth.

  Yumi is the first to dig in when we divide the meat in three portions. Saliva pours out of her mouth and onto her hands as she sinks her teeth into the meat. She chews with eyes so wide and bubbly it looks like she’s been brought to life. She hums and swings her body left to right.

  Akio and I waste no time following her lead. I sniff deeply, my mind and body joyful that they’re about to be fed, and fed pleasurably at that. I sink my teeth in the meat, tearing off the bird’s flesh like a famished dog. My eyes light up with life I haven’t felt in recent memory. Saliva pours out of my mouth. I’m chewing the meat so fast I can barely savor the taste. But the taste is so good that I have to experience it again right away. I take another bite, and then another, and then another. Every taste is as wonderful as the last. I eat so fast that I don’t notice my stomach bloating… my, my, I can’t remember the last time I saw it like this… it almost freaks me out.

  Akio burps loudly. “Wow… this is phenomenal. But I don’t think I can eat another bite… I still have more than half my portion left, too. That just goes to show how small my stomach has become.”

  “Same. But that’s totally fine by me. I’ll save the rest for later,” says Yumi. “I’m so thankful. I can’t remember the last time I felt full, or have even had enough to eat.”

  “Yeah, same here.”

  Yumi looks at me. “How about you, Taiyo? Are you enjoying it?”

  As she asks me this, I find myself already in the middle of thinking about it. I’m full, and I have more than half of my portion left, too. Like Akio said, my stomach isn’t used to having this much food at a time. I haven’t eaten like this since before we became the Darkane’s slaves. This meal is incredible. It’s so incredible in fact… that I don’t feel I deserve it. I mean… I didn’t earn this… I didn’t work for this… I was given this.

  I glance at Talden. He’s finished with his apple, and is staring silently at the mountains. I look back at my large meal portion that I’m too full to finish. I could save the rest for later, but I feel so full that I don’t think I’ll eat again for a day or more. Most importantly, I feel bad gorging myself like a king while Talden makes do with an apple, and whatever else he has stored in his basket. It’s like the others keep saying: it’s a blessing from God that we received this meal. Should I show my gratitude by hogging it all for myself? I have more than I need. Shouldn’t I share with others? Even if sharing with others includes my enemy? For some reason, it doesn’t feel right not sharing with him. It feels selfish and ungrateful.

  I shake my head. Screw it. I’m going.

  I rise up abruptly.

  “Wait, where are you going?” Yumi asks. It’s then I realize I didn’t answer her question from earlier. Ah… I feel bad now.

  “Oh… uh… sorry… Yumi. I didn’t answer your question earlier… I… uh… hold on. I have to uh... do something real quick. Hold on a second… I’ll be right back...”

  I turn from them and walk towards Talden. I hear whispers from them as I approach him. He doesn’t notice or acknowledge me until I stand ten feet from him.

  He turns to glare at me suddenly from head to toe. “What do you want?”

  The hostile look in his eyes reminds me of all the times he’s beaten and criticized me. He’d ask me a question, and I’d freeze up like this and not be able to think of what to say. Then, he’d get angry. He’d yell at me. I’d tensed up and become more meek, and then he’d get so angry that he’d hit me or shove me to the ground. I hope this time isn’t a repeat of that, but I’m already seeing the beginning of that cycle.

  I gulp. I notice my lips and hands are already trembling. I put in conscious effort to stop, but the more I resist, the worse it gets. Stop it, Taiyo. This is pathetic. You look weak. He’s going to beat you. If he does, you deserve it. I force myself to say something. “I… uh…”

  “Just spit it out. Don’t waste my time.”

  “Do-do you…”

  He scoffs. “What is wrong with you? Just spit it out!”

  Doing as he desires, I force myself to say what I want to say. I don’t worry about how aggressive my tone is voiced until after the fact. “Do you want the rest of my food?” I finally say it, but I feel it came out too aggressive. Should I apologize just in case?

  He stares at me silently… it’s difficult to read what he’s thinking. I don’t know what to do…

  “What?” he asks.

  I wasn’t expecting him to ask that. Did he really not hear what I said? How do I repeat myself without sounding even more aggressive than I already did? I don’t want to anger him or make him feel like I’m challenging his authority. “Uh… do you… do you want the rest of my... food?”

  “What, you don’t like it?”

  “N-no! I love it.”

  “Then why don’t you want it?”

  “I-I just…”

  “You just what? For god’s sake, spit it out!”

  “I just thought you’d want some…”

  He pauses, staring at me silently. Again, I don’t know what he’s thinking, or what to do. “You thought I’d want some?”

  “Yes, sir…”

  He pauses again, his face appearing more skeptical this time. “What are you, stupid or something?”

  What? Stupid? Am I stupid for asking him this? I haven’t thought of that. Should I think over everything I did and figure out what made him think that? So I’m aware of how to never do it again?

  “Or do you think I’m stupid?” he asks again. I’m silent. I don’t know how to answer, but I know I feel terrified. “That I would accept food from a slave? If your aim is to poison your master, you’ve chosen the wrong one.” What?! Poison him? Oh no. Why haven’t I thought of that? Of course he’d think I’m trying to poison him. Why would he think that a slave would extend a slavemaster a friendly gesture? I mean who does that? He’s right. I am stupid. I can see that now perfectly. “This might have worked for my sister, but not for me. Off with you, and you’d better not try something like this again...”

  Feeling so humiliated that I want to burst into tears, I spin from him and pace back to where I was.

  “Wait, wait,” he says. “What are you doing? Turn around.”

  I do as he says, afraid to upset him further. Tears roll down my cheeks, and I sniffle uncontrollably. My hands and lips are trembling—Ah! I feel absolutely humiliated. But I deserve this… I deserve this humiliation for being so stupid.

  “Are you upset by this?” His eyes are wide like he’s appalled.

  He scoffs, and shakes his head.

  Then… he sighs. “Alright… just give me it.”

  I’m not sure I heard him correctly over my sniffling. “H-huh?” I ask.

  “Give me the damn bird.”

  Surprised by what I heard, I nod three times fast, and then race over to where Akio and Yumi sit. They stare skeptically at me as I pick up my share of the bird and carry it back to Talden—I’m sure they think I’m crazy for doing this.

  I lend Talden my share, and he takes it while examining me skeptically. He inspects the meat for a second, sniffs it, and then bites into it. He chews for several seconds, and then lifts his eyebrows.

  He looks at me again as I stand with my hands on my lap, waiting for his next command.

  “You going to stand there and stare at me all day? I took your food like you wanted. Now leave me alone.”

  “Oh… uh… okay… sorry.” Waving my hands hesitantly at him, I turn around and walk away.

  “And hey…” I stop to listen. “Don’t bother me with any more of this nonsense on this trip, you got it?”

  “Y-yes… sir.” He grunts and takes another bite of his meat. I take this as a cue to dismiss myself.

  I return back
to Akio and Yumi like nothing happened. I sit down in the spot I was before, and rest there. I don’t look at them, but I feel their eyes on me. I can’t move, or think of anything natural to do to hide feeling uncomfortable.

  “Taiyo?” I hear Yumi ask me. I try to pretend I didn’t hear her. “Taiyo.” Ah! Now I have to acknowledge her. She’s deeply engaged, her whole body facing me. I’m startled to see her doing this. “Are you okay?”

  Not knowing what to say, I nod. “Y-yeah.” I feel Akio’s body also faced towards me, but I’m afraid to turn towards him and feel startled again.

  “Dude.” He speaks so audibly I can’t ignore him. Going by his tone, he sounds angry. I face him and see his eyebrows bent downwards and close together. “What are you doing? Why would you do that? If you didn’t want your food, you should have given it to us… your friends… not that bastard…” I can’t think of how to respond, so instead I stare and listen, gulping. He points to Talden aggressively. “That man over there… is our enemy. You know why he’s our enemy? Because he took our home and enslaved us. He’s taken everything from us, makes us labor every day on his behalf, and barely gives us anything to help us survive day by day. Why would you help this man? What about us? What about us, bro? Whose side are you on?”

  “I-I’m on your side of course, it’s just that…”

  “What? You felt sorry for him? Give me a break. He has the whole harvest of our spring garden back at the fort. There’s nothing to feel sorry for. You should feel sorry for us.” Feeling ashamed of myself, I face the ground, and try to hold back my tears. He pauses. “Listen, Taiyo… no more favors for the Darkane. You are a Leferian. Got it? You serve only the Leferians. This is war time. We have to look after our own. We can’t help others, especially the enemy. What were you thinking, man?”

  “I-I’m sorry.”

  “No more helping the enemy. I promise they won’t return the favor. They will always use you and take advantage of you for their gain. They don’t care about anyone but themselves. So we have to look after our own. Got it?”