by Sam Akande
Mayor Kaars’ minions held a banquet for him. They indulged in indecorous ass-licking, which was so atrocious that I cringed watching it. They drank a six-hundred-liquets-per-bottle Champagne and reverenced Frank Kaars like he was the messiah. The mayor now has security detail – something he was denied.
The mayor peddled his tawdry performance. This man has failed as mayor. He has stifled our region.
Chapter Seven
M ayor Kaars was interviewed on Critical Discourse. Frank sported a blue suit, pink tie and pink pocket square.
Interviewer:I’m Cosh Slabash, it’s Critical Discourse. I have the Mayor of Le-Croff, Frank Kaars, with me.
Frank Kaars:Thanks for having me.
Interviewer:You were abducted from your home. What was the experience like?
Frank Kaars:It was horrifying. I would love to forget about that night. I now have PTSD.
Interviewer:What was going through your mind while you were being held against your will?
Frank Kaars:Le-Croff and my family. I feared that our region could crumble.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, are you relieved that the saga is of yore?
Frank Kaars:I’m not only relieved, I’m elated to be back with my family and serving our region.
Interviewer:Has it derailed you or made you more resistant?
Frank Kaars:I swore an oath to pilot Le-Croff into an admirable region. Nothing can derail me from that feat.
Interviewer:You have been the mayor for six years. Is Le-Croff better off under you?
Frank Kaars:[contented] Le-Croff is far better off because of the revenue from tourism, investors flocking in and more jobs in the region. That’s why I have an approval rating that’s gargantuan.
Interviewer:Don’t you reckon that’s due to the abduction?
Frank Kaars:I have been mayor for two terms, and a third term is irrefutable for me. My popularity has never dwindled.
Interviewer:You weren’t that popular in the polls . . . Your poll numbers have tripled.
Frank Kaars:[infuriated] What’s the source of the poll you are quoting? I have always been a man of the people.
Interviewer:You dipped when you solicited for a huge security.
Frank Kaars:I didn’t dip. Your source is parti pris.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, I’m not citing a parti pris source. The polls were done by unfettered pollsters.
Frank Kaars:If I dipped in the polls, people of Le-Croff wouldn’t care about me this much.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, did you envisage your abduction?
Frank Kaars:Yes. I am the most persecuted mayor in Patriccar Island.
Interviewer:Persecuted by who?
Frank Kaars:I’m the only mayor from the Democratic Advancement Party. The persecution is not from Le-Croff.
Interviewer:Where is the persecution surfacing from?
Frank Kaars:Le-Croff is the only region where the Liberation Party isn’t in office. I’m not invited to the Mayors’ Forum anymore because it’s strictly for Liberation Party mayors.
Interviewer:So the Liberation Party is persecuting you?
Frank Kaars:The only mayor to be abducted is not from the Liberation Party and debarred from the Mayors’ Forum.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, is the Liberation Party the mastermind?
Frank Kaars:I don’t know. I am the most alienated mayor in this country.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, the audience might posit that the Liberation Party is belligerent to you because you are from the Democratic Advancement Party.
Frank Kaars:A Liberation Party mayor was routed by me. They can’t win in Le-Croff because of the Democratic Advancement Party.
Interviewer:Le-Croff will go into a frenzy because of what you are hinting at.
Frank Kaars:Le-Croff has been in a frenzy since I assumed office as the mayor.
Interviewer:How has this region been in a frenzy?
Frank Kaars:I’m poised for a third term. I’m unbeatable and this is driving them nuts. There’s machination to wrestle Le-Croff from the Democratic Advancement Party.
Interviewer:You said you are poised for a third term. What makes you so confident?
Frank Kaars:I defeated an incumbent, won a second term. Le-Croff appreciates my leadership. That’s why I’m confident. A third term is attainable.
Interviewer:What if the momentum slumps?
Frank Kaars:It won’t. I have the backing of voters in this region.
Interviewer:Liberation Party candidate Likra Majara is ten points behind you. Are you perturbed by this?
Frank Kaars:Can a zebra catch up with a cheetah? Likra is at seventy percent, I am at eighty. I’m unruffled.
Interviewer:There are those who are of the stance that your abduction was a ruse to expedite your re-election.
Frank Kaars:[sullenly] It’s cretinous that I would ram the region into a swivet for my re-election. That’s bunkum!
Interviewer:Jasper Jabari of the Great Patriots . . .
Frank Kaars:[interjecting] . . . The rabble rousal? We shouldn’t talk about junkies on television.
Interviewer:Jasper surmised that it’s a scam.
Frank Kaars:Jasper Jabari is a stooge whose financiers are hell-bent on banjaxing our region.
Interviewer:Who are his financiers? Are they in Le-Croff?
Frank Kaars:They are both inside and outside Le-Croff, concocting to dismantle our region with that conspiracy theorist.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, are they politicians?
Frank Kaars:They are politicians against the Democratic Advancement Party mayorship of Le-Croff. They can’t inveigle voters. These reavers have resorted to devious stratagem.
Interviewer:They are from the Liberation Party?
Frank Kaars:[smiling] Don’t put words into my mouth.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, I’m not putting words into your mouth, but you seem to be insinuating that politicians from the Liberation Party are undermining Le-Croff.
Frank Kaars:You are wantonly misconstruing my words. I never said that.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, I am not misconstruing what you said. You are alluding that your abduction was politically prompted.
Frank Kaars:It might or might not have been. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, for perspicuity, are these politicians from the Liberation Party?
Frank Kaars:[simpering] Why are you fixated on this? The police will unravel that.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, your drug policy has been termed despotic. Would the law be reviewed?
Frank Kaars:Cannabis won’t be legalised in this region. Drugs affect lives fatally.
Interviewer:But legalisation and regulation would specify who it can be sold to.
Frank Kaars:A dour drug law eradicates addiction in our region.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, a dour cannabis law would quadruple the ratio of addiction.
Frank Kaars:It won’t. Legalisation could be detrimental to our region.
Interviewer:It’s legalised in other regions.
Frank Kaars:Le-Croff isn’t other regions. Le-Croff won’t be drug-saturated.
Interviewer:How did Ricor Marsh fare as acting mayor?
Frank Kaars:Ricor was peerless in a singularly quandary circumstance.
Interviewer:Would you endorse Ricor for Mayor of Le-Croff in the future?
Frank Kaars:Ricor hasn’t hinted at running, has he?
Interviewer:He hasn’t, but when he does, would you endorse him?
Frank Kaars:Let’s get to that “bridge”.
Interviewer:The Unified Alliance called for a public inquiry and accused Ricor Marsh of poorly handling the investigation.
Frank Kaars:The Unified Alliance are stakeholders in Le-Croff like other citizens, therefore they are entitled to call for a public inquiry if they were dissatisfied with Ricor Marsh.
Interviewer:Is there bickering in the Democratic Advancement Party?
Frank Kaars:There’s none whatsoever. We are the party of
Le-Croff.
Interviewer:Mayor Kaars, it’s been a pleasure. All the best in your mayorship and re-election.
Frank Kaars:Pleasure is all mine.
Three men, Plair Tairt, Lyiotk Vitts and Adnam Kort, all in their twenties, were apprehended in relation to Mayor Kaars’ seizure.
Chapter Eight
T he trial of the three abductors was at the regional High Court. The gallery was seething with reporters and the populace of Le-Croff.
“All rise for the Honourable Judge Johnnie Mangaver,” beckoned the court clerk.
Judge Mangaver, in his fifties, pencil moustache, grey-haired and bespectacled, sauntered in.
“The region of Le-Croff versus Lyiotk Vitts, Adnam Kort and Plair Tairt. You men are charged with the kidnapping of Mayor Frank Kaars under the Offences Against the Persons Act 1921, Section Twelve, also for possession of firearms without certification which contravenes the Firearms Act of 1976, Sections Five and Nine. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?” the clerk read the case.
“Not guilty,” the men responded.
The jury was on the qui vive from their box.
Both the prosecuting and defence barristers’ opening remarks were fleeting.
Electrician Juk Culumt was on the witness stand.
“Mister Culumt, do you swear to tell the truth?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” Juk replied mousyly.
The prosecuting barrister directly examined Juk.
“Mister Culumt, can you state your profession,” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“I’m an electrician, sir,” Juk replied.
“How long have you been an electrician?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“For five years, sir,” Juk replied.
“Are you familiar with two hundred New Quay Avenue?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“My clients live there,” Juk replied.
“Mister and Mrs Vitts, right?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Yes, sir. I repair their air conditioning units and other electricals for them,” Juk replied.
“Can you tell this court what transpired on the 22nd of July 2021,” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“On the 22nd of July, Mr Vitts rang me to fix the air conditioning in the house. I booked him for the afternoon of the same day,” Juk said.
“Go on, Mister Culumt,” the prosecuting barrister urged.
“I went into the cellar where the air conditioning unit is. I saw Mayor Kaars there,” Juk replied.
“Was Mayor Kaars tied up when you found him?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Yes, sir. Both his hands and feet were clasped together,” Juk replied.
“The mayor had injuries?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Mayor Kaars was bruised, his face had cuts and there were blood stains on the ground,” Juk replied.
“What else was in the cellar?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Weapons,” Juk exclaimed.
“What type of weapons?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Pistols, AK-47s, knuckledusters, axes,” Juk replied.
“How many guns in total?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Two AK-47 machine guns and four pistols,” Juk replied.
“Mister Culumt, what did you do when you found the mayor?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“I alerted the police forthwithly,” Juk replied.
“Mister Culumt, thank you.” The prosecuting barrister concluded the direct examination of Juk.
“Does the Defence have any questions for the witness?” Judge Mangaver asked.
“No, Your Honour,” the defence barrister replied.
The prolepsis in the court was rapturous. Journalists jotted ferociously, citizens watched proceedings like a soap opera.
Mayor Kaars’ ingress caused a hubbub.
“Order! Order! . . . Order!” the clerk cried.
The mayor was ushered to the stand.
“Mayor Kaars, can you recognise these men?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“These men kidnapped me,” the mayor replied.
“Please relay the events of the 21st of May 2021 to this court,” the prosecuting barrister said.
“On the 21st May 2021 at eleven p.m., these men broke into my house. They dragged me into a van outside,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“Were they armed?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Yes, with machine guns,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“Which of them was the driver?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
Mayor Kaars pointed at Adnam Kort. Adnam, muscular, missing front tooth, and a scar beneath his right eye, was known to the Le-Croff Police as a mischief-maker.
“Mayor Kaars, where did they take you?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“I was driven to New Quay Avenue. They tied me up in the cellar and fed me once a day,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“These men scourged you heinously, didn’t they?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Yes they did. I was tortured. I am stunned to still be alive,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“What was their rationale for abducting you, sir?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“I’m the mayor of this region. It must be political,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“Did they demand for a ransom?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“They initially asked for a million liquets but were scared the cops would fish them out,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“You said it must be political. Are you unequivocal in your assertion?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“It’s incontestably so because of what I was told by that man,” Mayor Kaars replied, referring to Lyiotk Vitts.
Lyiotk Vitts, lanky, faded hair, with facial stubble, was the grandson of the owners of the house at two hundred New Quay Avenue. Lyiotk was fidgety.
“Mayor Kaars, can you share this with the court?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“He said Le-Croff doesn’t deserve a wretched soul like me,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“Is that all he said?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“No, he also said he was going to shoot me, and I will be dumped into the Sabantor River. For Le-Croff, he bawled at me and cocked his gun,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“Order! Order! Order!” the clerk bust a gut to quell the boutade in the courtroom.
“Thank you, Mayor Kaars,” the prosecuting barrister wrapped up the direct examination of Frank Kaars.
The defence barrister cross-examined the mayor.
“Mayor Kaars, these men asked for a ransom from you, right?” the defence barrister inquired.
“That’s accurate,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“You said they jettisoned the ransom because they were scared the police would nab them. How were you privy to this?” the defence barrister inquired.
“Through the argument they had in my presence,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“They had an argument?” the defence barrister inquired.
“The other two men hankered for money but that man warned that the police would trace them through it,” Mayor Kaars replied, pointing at Lyiotk.
“Mayor Kaars, have you had any dealings with Mister Vitts?” the defence barrister inquired.
“Mister Vitts is not an acquaintance,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“Mister Vitts is not an acquaintance. Are you certain?” the defence barrister inquired.
“Objection, Your Honour. The questions of the Defence are out of line,” the prosecuting barrister interrupted the defence.
“Objection sustained,” Judge Mangaver responded.
“Mayor Kaars, was there any stoppage while they hauled you to two hundred New Quay Avenue?” the defence barrister inquired.
“They stopped somewhere I have no inkling of because a sack was placed on my head,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“If
a sack was on your head, how did you recognise Mister Kort as the driver,” the defence barrister inquired.
“It was placed on me when we got into the van. I saw the driver’s face,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“Mayor Kaars, was the blindfold removed while they relocated you to two hundred New Quay Avenue?” the defence barrister inquired.
“No, it wasn’t,” Mayor Kaars replied.
“So, you weren’t clued up about the clime you were taken,” the defence barrister inquired.
“Objection, Your Honour. That is a loaded question,” the prosecuting barrister exclaimed.
“Objection overruled. Defence barrister proceed,” Judge Mangaver replied.
“Mayor Kaars,” the Defence barrister signalled the mayor to respond.
“I didn’t,” Mayor Kaars replied, miffed.
The case was adjourned for two weeks to enable both the prosecuting and defence barristers to gather more evidence.
The tabloids were cluttered with news from the trial. Pundits on cable and regional stations dissected the proceedings as the mayor’s admirers awaited retribution for his captors.
Chapter Nine
P lair Tairt plea-bargained. Plair, brawny, mutton sideburns, testified against his co-conspirators. He wasn’t a tyro in crime. Plair had previously been imprisoned for burglary.
“Mister Tairt, you are mates with Adnam Kort and Lyiotk Vitts,” the prosecuting barrister queried.
“Yes, sir, I’m chums with both of them,” Plair replied.
“You, Lyiotk and Adnam kidnapped Mayor Kaars on the 21st of May 2021,” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“We did, but it was Lyiotk’s idea,” Plair replied.
“Order! Order! Order!” the clerk yowled to snuff out the rumbling in the courtroom.
“What was Mr Vitts’ rationality for this?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“Lyiotk told us the mayor had an affair with his girlfriend,” Plair replied.
“Why would Mister Vitts think that the mayor was involved with his girlfriend?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
“She worked as his personal assistant and he saw messages from him,” Plair replied.
“Mister Vitts saw messages from Mayor Kaars to her?” the prosecuting barrister inquired.
