Never the Cowboy's Lover

by Amelia Wilde

  Yeah, Luke’s touched me before. But this feels different and I don’t know why.

  It’s probably nerves, I remind myself as he gives me a little squeeze. Nerves have my heart in my throat, beating as fast as hummingbird wings. “You good, Jules?” he murmurs.

  I can’t see his face except for the parts highlighted by the motion light that’s just flicked on. I catch the gleam in his eye and a flash of white teeth as he gives me a reassuring smile. “You want to knock or should I?” he asks.

  “Um…” I can’t decide. I am paralyzed. My feet are stapled to the ground and I can’t make a move.

  And then I don’t have to.

  The front door opens with an audible whoosh. “Julia May?”

  I stare at the woman silhouetted in the doorway. This is my cousin. My real, honest to goodness, blood-related cousin Maya. I’ve spent my whole life scanning the faces of strangers, looking for some resemblance, but I don’t need to search her face to see it. She’s got the same green eyes I do. I wonder which shared relative gave them to us?

  I can barely speak, I’m so excited. Luke gives me a searching look. He knows me so well. He can see the panic taking over, even though it’s dark outside, and he does what he’s done since we were small. He steps in to save me. “Yes!” he calls out to my cousin. I can hear the smile in his voice. It always puts me at ease, and it puts Maya at ease too. “You must be cousin Maya, it’s so good to meet you!” He ascends the porch steps and shakes Maya’s hand. “My name is Luke Bliss and this of course is your cousin, Julie May Collins.” He sweeps his hand toward me.

  “Oh my god!” Maya slams into me, crushing me in a tight hug. I freeze.

  But then I relax because she’s real. She’s warm and solid and her shoulders shake a little as she suppresses a sob. “I’m so glad you found me,” she whispers.

  I slowly return her hug. And then we’re both clinging to each other, laughing and crying at the same time. She pulls back and inspects my hair. I immediately check our shoes next to each other, and we laugh to find out we both share the same annoyingly narrow feet. We immediately learn we both hate cilantro, both hate waking up early, and we both could probably use glasses but refuse out of vanity.

  I’m laughing so hard I can barely breathe even as I wipe the tears from my eyes. “Oh balls,” my cousin complains, wiping at her nose. “Come in, let’s get some tissues before I accidentally get snot on your shirt and ruin this reunion.” She links arms with me and hauls me into her house.

  As we walk across the porch, Luke steps aside and holds open the door. He doesn’t make a big deal of it, he doesn’t say ladies first with a comical bow the way he has in the past. In fact, he doesn’t look much at all like himself right now. As I pass him, instead of smiling at me, he glances away.

  Then he wipes at his own eyes.

  I’ve been friends with Luke forever, but this might be the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. And it’s because he’s so happy for me.

  It doesn’t seem possible that my heart could feel any bigger, but it swells even more when I see this. I reach for his hand again, threading my slim fingers with his rough, calloused ones, and the three of us step into the house together.

  “Sorry, it’s a mess, the kids had off today.” Maya kicks at a pile of shoes that tumble in our way. Her home has that comfortable, lived-in clutter of a happy family. The smell of dinner hangs in the air, along with the sweet smell of pancake syrup. “They’ve been in my hair all day,” she goes on, picking up random objects and depositing them in even more random places. “But I sent them upstairs with the promise they could play all the video games they want if they stay out of our hair. Ugh, but you’re going to think I’m such a hot mess. I swear I cleaned, but it’s like an uphill battle with those two, I swear I could wipe up spills all day—”

  “Ma’am, you have a beautiful home,” Luke cuts in smoothly.

  Maya breaks off mid-ramble and breathes. “That’s kind of you to say.”

  “It’s the truth, now.” Luke even goes so far as to touch his fingers to an invisible hat brim. He’s really laying on the charming cowboy act thick here. I’d tease him about it if it weren’t so clearly necessary. Poor Maya is pale as a ghost. I wonder if I look the same way.

  Maya looks from Luke to me. “I made up the guest room once you said you were coming but, well...follow me.” She leads us down a narrow hallway, past the bathroom and what’s clearly the master bedroom to a small room at the end. She flicks the light on, revealing a room so small it’s almost a cubby. Almost the entire space is taken up with a bed.

  A twin bed.

  A single bed.

  “I didn’t know you’d be bringing your boyfriend too,” Maya sighs. She gives us both an oops, sorry smile. “Hope y’all don’t mind snuggling?”

  My heart stops. I look at Luke. He is staring at Maya like he’s trying to figure out if she’s joking or not.

  The staring contest is interrupted by a loud slam from above, followed by a wail. “Aw, bless it, excuse me.” Maya pushes past us and hauls ass up the steps two at a time. “That better not have been your brother’s head!” she yells from somewhere above us.

  “Well then,” Luke chuckles.

  “We can go,” I say quickly.

  He looks at me. “You kidding me? Before y’all even get to talking?” He shakes his head and steps into the small room. The patch of floor is just big enough for him to take a single step in each direction. “Huh,” he muses.

  “We could share,” I blurt.

  His eyes widen.

  I want to clap my hand over my mouth. Where did that come from? Friends or not, I’ve never shared a bed with Luke Bliss. I don’t even know what that would be like. Does he wear pajamas? Boxers? Oh heavens, does he sleep in the nude? What would it be like to spend the night pressed up against him? Would he pull me close? Is he a night cuddler?

  “I mean, I’ll take the floor,” I say quickly.

  “Julie May, there’s barely enough room to sit, much less lie down.”

  “You’re bigger than me.” I cross my arms.

  “This is your cousin’s house.” He crosses his.

  I knew meeting my cousin was going to be complicated. But I didn’t think the complication would come from having to be this close to Luke. My best friend. “We’ll figure it out later,” I say airily. “Right?”

  “Sure.” His grin is back. “Sounds like Maya’s calmed things down up there. Let’s go see if she has anything to drink.”

  4

  Luke

  These two women are so obviously cousins that I’m amazed they haven’t found each other before through sheer force of will. You’d think that energy would act more like a homing beacon, each calling the other. The three of us sit around Maya’s dinner table. The table is the same kind of table my parents had at the ranch—I think everybody’s parents bought it once upon a time. Round. Sturdy. Wood. Chairs with knobby legs. It’s furniture that was meant to last, and it’s a good thing the table did, because now it’s getting to witness Julie May and Maya enjoying the hell out of each other.

  Jules tips her head back and laughs at a low-key dirty joke Maya’s made, and honestly I don’t know what the joke is, because I can’t take my eyes off Jules.

  She was right before, when she said she’s awkward. Not awkward all the time. Get her in a place she knows and she’ll relax like a cat in a patch of sunshine. New places? Naw. Her face went so pale on the first day of middle school I thought she’d faint. She didn’t—she just made me drag her inside by the hand.

  Kinda like I brought her in tonight.

  And I know it’s not about me. I know that. I’m not some asshole who thinks that the world turns on his feelings. That’s not what we’re like in Paulson. Other people matter.

  Turns out Julie May matters more than I thought she did.

  She and Maya are halfway through their second bottle of wine, buzzed and pink-cheeked. I’m a bit player in this scene. Jules is enamored with
her cousin. It’s easy enough to see the light in her big green eyes, those eyes that are flecked with sunflower yellow, and see it reflected in her cousin’s face. They’re like two twin suns, shining at each other to beat the band.

  And I’m like Pluto. Barely a planet. Way less than the sun. I’m the odd one out. Gotta say, it doesn’t feel great. I’m a Bliss of the Paulson Bliss family, and I don’t think that makes me any better than the rest of town. It just makes me...not used to being left out.

  God, I’m pathetic.

  Snap out of it and be here for Jules.

  I swig my lite beer and focus back on the conversation. Time to stop being a sulking ass, even though I do hate lite beer. Whoever thought that was a good idea? Not me. But what was a good idea was all that time we spent searching for Julie May’s family. This is worth it. It’s worth missing chores and being the least important part of the conversation. Jules deserves this.

  “—so then I say, do you really want my hands all over your balls? And I swear, Jules, that man’s face went redder than a tomato.”

  Julie May laughs, a deep down belly laugh, just the way she used to when we were kids. She does it less now because she knows how far the sound carries. Can’t let your belly laugh interrupt all the patrons at the library. Here, at Maya’s table, she doesn’t seem to have any self-consciousness. I laugh along with her because balls are always funny, even if I missed the setup for the joke because I was busy watching my best friend enjoy it.

  “Oh my god,” Julie May gasps. “That is the funniest story I’ve ever heard. Where have you been all my life?”

  “Literally here,” says Maya, and Julie May cracks up again. She laughs so hard that the stem of her wine glass bumps against the table and some of her white sloshes over the rim of the cup.

  “Damn.” Julie May pouts at the spilled wine. “That was a perfectly good mouthful.”

  She and Maya stare at each other for a couple of long beats, and then they both dissolve. Jules is drunk and giggling, a gorgeous sight, and then gravity takes her over. She tips sideways, keeping her glass high in the air so as not to lose any more wine, and lets herself fall into me. It’s like she knows I’ll catch her.

  Well, I will.

  Only when her body hits my side, she doesn’t jerk upright. Or even try to get up. She leans against me like leaning against me is the most natural thing in the world.

  I’ve never been more aware of anything than I am of the way her body feels against mine. She’s soft, but she’s solid. Julie May hasn’t been delicate since she was in preschool. No more strawberry shampoo. She started using something with coconut in high school and now it’s all I can smell—that light, teasing scent. Damn, she’s pretty. Familiar, like your house looks after you’ve been away on a long trip, but...startlingly beautiful. Why haven’t I ever seen her this way before? Does Maya’s house have special lights I’ve never noticed?

  My arm slips around her waist to keep her upright. I don’t want her tumbling off her chair and onto Maya’s floor. Getting happily buzzed is one thing, but she’d never forgive me if I let her make a fool of herself. Her laughter is in every inch of her, under my palm, and I don’t want it to stop.

  But Maya puts her wine glass on the table and stretches her arms above her head. She barely gets a hand down to stifle a yawn. “I wish I could stay awake, guys, but I’m old now.” She tips her head back up and winks. “In my youth I could have put away bottles of wine all night but my eyes are closing. Leave the glasses. I’ll take care of everything in the morning.”

  Julie May’s new cousin gets up from her seat and comes around to hug Julie May. It’s a tight hug, tighter than the one they shared at the door. Maya whispers something in Julie May’s ear. They are so similar that it makes my heart beat funny. Jules is one-of-a-kind—I never thought there should be two of her. But family? Yeah. She always needed that.

  “’Night, Luke.” Maya pats me on the shoulder on her way by, and then it’s just me and Julie May and our wine glasses.

  Jules stares down into the wine glass, her mouth quirked in a grin. Her face looks so soft like this. So happy.

  “You ready to head up?”

  “No way.” Jules’ drunk stage whisper is way louder than she thinks. It’s cute as hell. “We should do the dishes.”

  “Don’t do the dishes,” Maya calls from the stairs.

  Julie grins even wider. “Never mind, then.” She straightens up, squaring her shoulders. “Let’s go up.”

  I want to rib her for approaching a guest room like it’s an honest-to-god battle, but I don’t. I’ve had enough beer to dull my bantering instincts and by the time we’re halfway up the stairs, it feels wrong to talk. Jules and I tiptoe down the long hall to the guest room. She darts inside first, waiting for me to come in before she closes the door.

  “Shh,” she scolds.

  “I didn’t say anything, Julie May.”

  “You were gonna.” She giggles again, biting down on her knuckle to muffle the sound. “Maybe that was more wine than I thought. Still, it will not keep me from my sacred duty.”

  That sounds dirty as hell.

  But apparently Julie May’s sacred duty is to yank the blanket off the bed and let it flutter to the floor. She gets down in the middle of it and rolls, curling herself up. Then she pokes one hand out of her makeshift blanket burrito and tugs down the extra pillow from the bed. Fifteen seconds flat and her hair is spread out on the pillow and she’s already closed her eyes.

  “Jules, what the hell are you doing? I’ll take the floor.”

  One eye opens. “You can’t fit down here.”

  She’s tipsy, and arguing with her is going to get us both nowhere, so I arch an eyebrow at her. What else is there to do but climb onto the bed? I shove myself as close to the wall as possible, then open both my arms. My eyelids are heavy. I don’t have to see Julie May to know she’s sitting up, staring at me. I can feel it in the air.

  “Come on,” I challenge. “Hop in.”

  “Ew, Luke. You think I’m going to sleep with you? I bet you snore.”

  “What does it matter? You’re in the same room. Get in here. You’ve got all the blankets.”

  I close my eyes to give her some cover, my heart going wild, hoping against hope. For what? For nothing. For Julie May to get a good night’s sleep, that’s what.

  The lamp on the bedside table goes off with a click. And then…

  Then the bed dips down. Not much, because Julie May’s the smaller one of us two, but enough. There’s a pause, and then she scooches in close. Which is nothing. It’s nothing but a narrow bed. But I have to stop myself from sighing with relief.

  It’s a good thing I had all that disgusting lite beer, too, because I want to hold her. Run my palm over her hip. Pull her close. Instead, I drift off to sleep in record time. I keep my hands to myself.

  5

  Julie May

  If I keep my eyes closed then my head will stop throbbing.

  I am hungover. How sad is that? Hungover after three glasses of wine.

  Luke teases me for being a stick in the mud, his voice echoey and dreamlike. Get up, Julie May, we’ve got a plane to catch. That doesn’t make any sense. The dream filters away, leaving the hangover behind.

  I groan and try to curl up in a ball, but I’m pinned down by something warm.

  Something...unyielding.

  And something hard pressing into the small of my back.

  Realization washes over me in waves. Luke is in the bed with me. Luke has his arm flung over me now, and his warm chest is pressed against my back. He’s cuddling me. That’s nice. I can handle that.

  I cannot handle his hard cock so close to my ass.

  I squeeze my eyes shut again, but this is not a dream. I am pinned against Luke Bliss’s massive...holy roses he’s huge...erection. And if I so much as move a muscle, he’s going to wake up and know that I know.

  I would like the earth to swallow me up now.

  But another part o
f me, a shameful, still-half-drunk-part, wants to roll over. I want to feel how heavy it would be in my hands, and to close my fingers around the thickness. The thought turns me on so much that I almost moan aloud, only catching myself at the last moment.

  Oh my god. This is Luke. Luke. What the hell am I thinking?

  He’s hard, but it’s because he’s asleep. Maybe he thinks I’m another girl. Is he seeing anybody right now? As a general rule, I try not to think about that. Just because. Maybe he has a crush and is dreaming about her. Or maybe it’s just morning wood. Yes, that’s it. He’s not hard for me. That would be impossible.

  Luke mutters in his sleep and suddenly I am free from the weight of his arm. For one insane second I want to pull it back over me like it belongs there, but no. I’m free. Free to see the impressive tent he’s now pitching under the sheet.

  “Oh god,” I whisper. Aloud. Whoops.

  Luke’s eyes flutter open. He glances at me, his eyes registering surprise at first, then crinkling into his easy smile. “Hey,” he says, and his voice is all low and clogged with sleep, and I might have thought it was sexy if I wasn’t so busy having a nervous breakdown over his boner.

  He sees me glance in the direction of his crotch and looks down too. “Oh, fuck,” he yelps. Luke claps his hands over his groin at the same time he leaps from the bed. I yelp in return and make a dive for the sheets. Hide. Hide. But when I tug at the blankets, they wrap around Luke’s ankle, sending him sprawling against the wall. He crumples like a paper bag and slowly slides to the floor in a puddle of embarrassment. “Jules. Sorry about that.”

  “What are you sorry about? I just gave you a concussion.”

  “Good. Hopefully I’ll get amnesia from it.” He yanks a pillow from the pile of sheets and claps it to his crotch, then sprints from the room in the direction of the bathroom.

  Well then.

  Embarrassment burns my cheeks. But did he have to look so damn horrified at the idea of getting hard around me? Am I that horrifically unsexy?