Never the Cowboy's Lover

by Amelia Wilde

  I am saved from this deeply unsettling line of thought by a timid knock at the door. Maya sways in place in the doorway, squinting in the exact same way I am sure I am squinting too. “My head is killing me,” my cousin confesses. “So I made several gallons of coffee if you need it.”

  “I do. Thank you.” Part of me wants to lurch, zombie-like, behind her as we stumble to the kitchen.

  But the other part of me wants to stay put until Luke comes back so we can put the matter of BonerGate to rest. What does it mean? And more importantly, did he like sleeping next to me?

  Because I kind of really liked sleeping next to him.

  The sound that realization brings to my mouth is something closer to a pitiful groan. Lord, take me now.

  The Lord does not take me. In all his wisdom, he lets me follow Maya into the kitchen and continue on living with the knowledge that I liked sleeping with Luke Bliss.

  Maya has made coffee, bless her. I clutch my mug like I’m drowning and she’s thrown me a life preserver. Maya doesn’t know me well enough to understand my dead silence isn’t normal, and she blessedly prattles on about her life, pinballing from topic to topic as my fingers slowly unclench from the handle.

  I’m almost relaxed by the time Luke wanders into the kitchen, looking freshly scrubbed and put together. He doesn’t meet my eyes before heading right to the coffee.

  Fine. We’ll deal with this later.

  “I don’t have anything planned for today,” Maya says apologetically. “I thought maybe I should like, drive you around or something, but then figured that would be boring. Honestly, I've had about a million ideas and scrapped them all, and the only one left is the one my son suggested when I told him you were coming.”

  “Yeah? What did he say?” Luke chimes in, and I shoot him a smile before remembering I’m annoyed with him.

  “He said, oh no, Mom. You’re not gonna make her look at all the pictures, right?”

  I sit up straighter. “Pictures?”

  My cousin’s grin is half-pride, half-embarrassment. “I don’t like digital. I still get all my pictures printed, the way we used to when I was a kid. I have albums stacked to the rafters down in the basement.” Some of the embarrassment drains away, and now she just looks excited. “I pulled out a few I thought you’d want to see.”

  I stare at her, open-mouthed. I can feel Luke’s eyes on my skin and I know he is thinking what I’m thinking. Pictures? Of my birth family?

  For a terrible moment, I am afraid I’m going to start sobbing right here in her kitchen. To have found her was overwhelming enough. But to have pictures, actual physical evidence of more family? It’s almost too much to handle. “Of course,” I manage to croak. “Yes, I mean, please, I mean—” The words are way heavier than I intended them to be.

  “Julie May’s a sucker for pictures,” Luke cuts in smoothly. He raises an eyebrow, silently checking in that it’s okay he’s covering for me getting tongue-tied. I give him a slight nod of thanks and he continues. “In fact, if you let her, she’ll spend all day looking through every one of your albums.”

  “Oh good!” Maya claps her hands in glee and disappears around the corner. “I stacked them right here.” She reappears a second later with a stack of faded albums tucked under her chin.

  Luke steps out and gallantly lifts them from her arms, then deposits them carefully on the kitchen table. Maya sits down and rubs her hands together. “Remember. If at any time you get bored, you tell me.” She reaches for the topmost album.

  How could I be bored? This is my family. My ancestors. The people I’ve been searching for. As she leafs through the pages, I drink in their faces like a parched flower in a summer rain. I see myself on every page, from the shade of skin tones to a candid expression to the way that one woman’s hair got bleached out by the sun.

  Maya answers all of my questions, and we spend most of the day this way, working through her stack of albums as she acquaints me with my history.

  It’s not until the sun has slipped low in the sky that she sets the last one down and turns to the first page.

  It’s my face.

  Mine.

  I don’t have to search for similarities to the young girl grinning toothlessly at the camera. I see myself in every line of her body. She’s me, but not me.

  “Who is that?”

  Luke leans over and grunts in surprise.

  Maya spins the album to face her and squints. “That’s my cousin Laura,” she says. “She’s your sister.”

  6

  Luke

  A sister. Julie May has a sister.

  She does a double-take at the picture, her lips parted just enough to drive me crazy, and holds it close to her face to look again for the third time.

  Curiosity burns down my nerves. I get close enough to see over Julie May’s shoulder.

  It’s an old picture—an actual photograph, not a Polaroid. Somebody’s taped it carefully into the album. Maya, probably. And the picture...I’ll be. The picture shows a little girl next to a kiddie pool in somebody’s backyard. She can’t be more than five, with knobby knees and hands with a hint of toddler chub. Her white-blonde hair sticks up in every direction. She’s missing a tooth. For the life of me, it’s like looking back in time to the first birthday party for Julie May I ever attended. My memories of that summer are hazy, but Jules isn’t. Most of childhood has been relegated to the attic of my memory. Not her. This picture is a punch to the gut and it brings everything back. Fresh-cut grass. Her screeches when we ran through the sprinkler. The way she’d wrap herself up in a beach blanket at the end of the day and lay out on her deck, happy as can be.

  Someone else had the mirror image of that. Julie May wasn’t the only one born to her parents. She’s not alone in the world, after all.

  She was never alone when she was with you, that quiet voice in the back of my head says. That voice can take a backseat. I’m not the person Jules has been looking for all her life. If I was, well, things would be different, wouldn’t they?

  I have seen Julie May doing her research at all hours of the day and night. One time, just after we were both home from college, she made me drive her to the library in the middle of the night to access their genealogy database when she thought she’d found a lead. It’s here. It’s right in front of her face. All those disappointments are things of the past, because Julie May has a sister. And she’s still sitting here, not breaking down.

  Hell, she’s doing a better job of holding it together than I would be.

  Jules puts a fingertip up to the little girl’s face and traces it so gently my heart’s ready to break. Her chin gives a telltale quiver. A protective instinct jumps up and seizes me around the middle. Make sure she’s okay. She’s not going to be okay in a minute, I can tell you that much.

  “Hey, Maya?” Maya’s eyes meet mine. I’m never going to get used to seeing Julie May’s eyes in another person. That sounds like some creepy sci-fi stuff, but it’s true. “Do you have any more of that beer? It was so good last night.” I rub my hand over my belly. Too much. But too late. Maya gives me a wink.

  “I think I’ve got some in the garage fridge. I’ll be right back.”

  The minute she’s out of sight I kneel down by Julie May’s chair at the kitchen table and take her in my arms. This is no time to waffle about what best friends do or don’t do or where they sleep or what they touch. A real friend would give her a hug.

  Julie May melts into me, shaking a little. She’s a leaf on the end of a branch, about to blow off with the next strong breeze.

  “I have a sister, Luke,” she whispers. “All that research and I had no idea. I had no idea at all. All my research—” She shakes her head, looking more than a little stunned.

  “I don’t think your research skills are really the issue.” She shoots me a look. “They’re good skills, Jules. You know that.” Hell, I know it. What I don’t know is why looking into those big green eyes makes me feel. It’s hard to pin down a name for the emo
tion when it’s really several emotions, settled deep in my heart and fluttering like a bird on the verge of taking flight.

  “What should I do?” Julie May’s voice cracks on the last word, and woah—now that feeling is a beating wing, sunshine streaming off of it, something strong and proud and aching.

  Clearing my throat takes none of the pressure off. “What do you want to do?”

  Part of me already knows what she wants to do. Julie May has wanted a sister—specifically a sister—since about the first grade, when she checked out a book with a pair of sisters on the front from the school library. She read that thing for days and checked it out again the next week. Then she’d come to me on the playground, a hand on her hip and a fierce look in her eye. What’s it like? She’d wanted to know what it was like to have a brother. Not like having a sister, I’d told her. But how would I know?

  “I have to find her, right?” Julie May puts her hands helplessly in the air. “I have to.”

  No. I’ll put myself between her and that possibility right now, the same way I would put myself between her and a runaway bull or a jackknifing semi truck. I’d stand between anything that carried as much risk as meeting her sister.

  Which is crazy, isn’t it? She’s Julie May’s sister. Closer than a cousin. But how close can they be? This thing with Maya—it’s gone so well. Maya and Julie May have taken to each other without any hesitation. Can we capture that same lightning in a bottle twice? I doubt it.

  But maybe...

  “You look like you’re arguing with yourself, Luke Bliss.” Julie May gives me that half-smile that she only uses when she knows she’s right. Well, she is. “What about?”

  I take a deep breath and banish the beating wings and the runaway thoughts. “It’s your call.” I take Julie May’s hands in mine and kiss the back of her knuckles. “But whatever you want to do, we’re doing it together.”

  “You mean that?” She screws up her mouth, getting ready for disappointment. “Because I’m scared. It could—it doesn’t mean—it might turn out—”

  I crush her into my arms then, holding her tight. “However it turns out, you’re not going to be by yourself. So whatever the outcome, you’ll be okay in the end. I promise you that.”

  “That’s a hefty promise, you know.” Her voice sounds strange, like she can’t believe this is happening. And yes, the hug is surreal. The fact of her so close, with her arms slung over my neck, is making me wish we weren’t in Maya’s kitchen. It’s making me wish we were somewhere with a lock on the door. Her shoulder blades rise and fall under my palms. My skin aches to be next to her skin. No more shirts, no more bras.

  “I only make hefty promises.”

  “Okay,” she says. “Okay! We’re doing this.” Julie May squeezes me back. “We’re going to go meet my sister.”

  7

  Julie May

  “Oops, excuse me.” My cousin hovers in the doorway with her hand over her mouth. Her eyes go wide for a second and then she drops them to the floor. “I’ll give you two some privacy.”

  I stiffen in Luke’s arms, feeling for all the world the way I did when Charity Peters was smoking behind the high school while I just stood there and the both of us got detention. I want to protest my innocence, explaining that Luke was just hugging me, it didn’t make me feel anything, we’re just friends, please don’t yell at me.

  Then I remember that Maya probably thinks it’s perfectly normal for Luke to hold me. It’s perfectly normal for us to share a bed. Is it perfectly normal for me to feel all tingly and electric because of his touch?

  According to Maya, yes.

  And instead of feeling caught like a deer in the headlights, I feel…relief.

  I am so relieved to be allowed to touch Luke like this, and to let him touch me in return, that I grin like a maniac. “We’re fine.” I glance up at Luke. “Just happy, that’s all.”

  “You two are so cute together.” Maya stifles a yawn. “The perfect couple.”

  Another bolt of electricity jolts through me, like heat lightning from a distant summer thunderstorm. Otherwise everything is peaceful.

  “I stayed up too late last night,” Maya continues, unaware of how earth-shaking her casual observation just was. “I used to be able to pull all-nighters on the regular, but now I’m such an old lady. It’s pathetic.”

  “It’s smart,” I reassure her. “Don’t let us keep you up any longer.” It feels right to say us. Hoo, boy.

  “Good night, you two.” Maya bites back another yawn and waggles her fingers at us. I waggle mine back—we share a genetic inclination towards tiny waves, apparently—and wait until I’m sure she is out of earshot before letting out a long sigh.

  “I felt like mom caught me taking too long in the bathroom,” Luke remarks.

  A laugh explodes from my mouth without my permission. “Way to make it gross, Bliss.” I smack him in the chest and he grins that grin I keep noticing lately.

  “I make jokes when I feel awkward.”

  “You never feel awkward.”

  “I’m just better at hiding it, Jules,” he says softly. “But honestly a lot of my confidence comes from knowing you need me.”

  Something inside of me that’s been pulled as tight as a rubber band finally snaps and I can no longer see Luke through the haze of tears filling my eyes. I knuckle them away furiously. I need to think. “I think I need to lie down,” I confess. “I’m feeling….”

  “Overwhelmed?”

  “That’s the word.”

  He smiles. “You want to be alone, or…”

  “No,” I blurt.

  “I’ll be right there,” he promises.

  I stagger down the hallway, trying to put together the sequence of events that just happened. I have a sister, a sibling, someone with whom I share DNA. More DNA than Maya, even. That’s huge.

  But somehow that’s overshadowed by the even bigger realization that I seem to have feelings for Luke Bliss. Big, scary feelings.

  I sag onto the little guest room bed, making the springs squeak in protest. This isn’t happening. I can’t want him. I need him as a friend. We’re like brother and sister, except I really do have a sister now, and he’s so gorgeous.

  “Stop it.” I try to slap myself in the face but chicken out at the last minute and end up just scratching myself with a jagged, bitten fingernail. “Oh Lord, I’m a mess.”

  “Yeah, but you have a good reason.” I look up sharply. Luke is standing in the doorway. He extends a glass of water to me. “I figured you’d need this. You forgot to bring your water bottle with you here, so you must be parched. I swear I never see you without that thing. It’s like you’re missing a limb right now.” He pushes the glass into my hand.

  And I leap up and kiss him. No, more than a kiss. I slam my mouth to his with a noise that’s a cross between a whimper and a groan. His lips are soft. How did I know his lips would be soft? And they are warm and he tastes like wine and safety and something deeply sexy too.

  He groans against my mouth and hooks his fingers into my waistband to tug me closer. When I gasp in surprise, his tongue sweeps against mine in the kind of long, cherishing kiss I didn’t know I wanted from him until right now.

  “Jules,” he murmurs. “Are you drunk?”

  It’s like he’s slapped me in the face. I pull back and stare at him and the expression on his face makes my knees buckle.

  “Whoops,” he catches me as I stumble. “Guess there’s my answer.” And I don’t know if that’s sadness in his voice or relief.

  I used to know everything about Luke Bliss. Why do I suddenly feel like I know nothing at all?

  “I’m sorry for…that.” He waves his hand in the direction of my lips.

  “Kissing me?”

  He nods sadly. “You’re all messed up. I shouldn’t have taken advantage.”

  Yes you should! I want to scream. But he looks so horrified with himself that I nod. “Things are weird right now, it’s okay,” I reassure him. Because we�
��re friends and he looks like he’s hurting, so even though my heart has gone all glassy and fragile, I give his arm a squeeze. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

  He clears his throat. “Thanks. Now lie down and I’ll tuck you in. You’re shitfaced.”

  I’m actually not. It’s him. It’s this whole situation that has me acting like a drunk. “Tuck me in? What do you mean?”

  “I’m sleeping on the floor.”

  “Like hell you are.”

  “Jules.” His voice is firmer than I’ve ever heard it before. Almost sharp. I blink at him in surprise, hurt, and he looks away. “I’m sleeping on the floor,” he repeats.

  And that is that.

  8

  Luke

  I’m riding a horse across the open field at the ranch under a wide blue sky when I feel the arms wrapped around my waist. Wrapped tight. “Go faster,” Julie May says into my ear. When did she get on the horse with me?

  “Why are you in such a rush?” My tease is met with a kiss on the neck. She shouldn’t be kissing on me when we’re riding. It’s a recipe for disaster. But she does it anyway and it feels so damn good that my cock jumps in response. “We’ve got a long ride ahead of us.”

  Maybe we’re not on the Bliss Ranch after all, because as we crest the hill and head down to where the farmhouse should be, I don’t see anything but fields and hills and the mountains in the distance. Snowy peaks, jutting into the sky. Nobody around for miles. I had something to do—somewhere to be. But with Jules’ arms around my waist and the horse feeling strong underneath me, I’m ready for a change of plans. Wind rushes over my ears, sun over my skin, and hell, we can ride forever.

  “This is weird,” says Julie May softly. And then— “Oops.”

  The pressure of her arms disappears from my waist. Oh, shit. I bring the horse around and realize I don’t know this horse. I’ve never seen it before, much less ridden it. But there’s no Julie May crumpled on the ground. It’s just a grassy field stretching out into eternity. “Jules? Where’d you go?”