The Easter Gang & Sinister Mister Fimister

by Rachael Long

The vicar sighed and, taking the letter from Mrs Pitch, slowly walked away from the Parish Rooms and out of the car park.

  On the safe side of the scout’s van and out of sight, Holly, Ryan and Moggy decided to follow the vicar.

  “If we follow him…” said Ryan…

  ...”Slowly and carefully,” added Holly.

  “Like in all the best spy films,” confirmed a stiff for sitting in one position for too long, Moggy.

  Ryan nodded, continuing, “…if we follow him, he’ll lead us to this Castor Pollux person,” he looked at Moggy; “Holly and I will follow him in relays and that way you’ll be able to catch us up. I’ll go first. Holly, give me a minute then follow. Moggy, you follow on after Holly.”

  ~~~~~

  The vicar stopped at the gate to a terraced house less than 10 minutes walk from the Parish Rooms. He looked at the letter clutched in his hand, kissed his Bible for luck then walked up the short path and knocked on the door.

  Ryan watched and waited then ran back up Church Road to Holly. “He’s gone to one of the houses just before the bend,” he reported.

  Holly nodded and waved to Moggy, who was waiting further up the road. She called out, “stay there, we’re coming back.” Then she asked Ryan, “Did you see the house number?”

  “Number 22, I didn’t see if anyone answered the door. Didn’t look like it though. Couldn’t hear any voices, only the vicar singing some hymn or other.”

  “Do we know anyone who lives down that end?” Holly asked as they made their way back to where Moggy was waiting.”

  Ryan shook his head, no one in their school that he knew…then suddenly inspired, he suggested, “what about the ineffectual roll?”

  Holly laughed. “You mean, Electoral Roll! It lists everyone who can vote and where they live.”

  “Well that’s what my dad calls it every time the man from the council comes round to update his records. What if though,” Ryan thought for a moment, “what if whoever lives there isn’t on the list? Or is using a false name?”

  “In that case,” said Holly, “we just ask Anna Smarna – she knows what everyone is up to. At least she thinks she does.”

  “Oh bum!” exclaimed Moggy, “I bet Aylid will be working behind the counter.”

  Moggy and Ryan began calling out, in whiny, high-pitched voices; “Mummy, mummy. Look mummy, I’m crying mummy.” They were acting out a typical Aylid end of the school day, playground scene.

  Holly tutted. “You are both so cruel!” she smiled and added, “but so true! Honestly, if the sky turned the wrong shade of blue she’d cry and call for her mum.”

  “My mum,” began Moggy, “was talking to Mrs Windsock, sorry, Windehoek, you know, the school office secretary? Anyhow, she said Aylid’s mum blames the school for Aylid being the way she is and she’s going to teach her at home from next term!”

  Holly and Ryan laughed and shook their heads. Imagine it, said Ryan and carried on laughing. No, suggested Holly, Anna Smarna would have Aylid working behind the counter every day while she spent all her time finding out the latest local gossip.

  ~~~~~

  Trove Village Post Office

  Anna Deare or Anna Smarna as Holly, Ryan and Moggy called her, was the Sub Post Mistress of Trove Village Post Office. Except she wasn’t… The real Sub Post Mistress was the Post Master, Mr Anna ‘Smarna’ Deare or Nomis Deare to give him his correct name.

  Unable to decide on a name for their second child, Nomis’s parents decided to name him after their first child, his brother Simon. In what his father would always refer to as a moment of inspiration, Simon was reversed and, hey presto, Nomis! Although within the village Nomis Deare was known as The Porker because of his indulgent love of food.

  As well as being Trove Village Post Office Sub Post Master, Nomis Deare was also an officer in the local Army Cadet Force and by some quirk of paperwork, found himself on loan to the Territorial Army (Catering Support Regiment) right at the precise moment they were sent to Afghanistan for 6 months!

  As if this wasn’t enough, Aylid had been insufferable for weeks after he had gone; ‘my father’s a hero, he’s fighting a war, he’s keeping you, Holly/Ryan/Neil safe.’ However, in another bizarre quirk, Nomis Deare was captured…selling alms, yes alms and not arms, to the Taliban. Except there were not Taliban but undercover American CIA agents…

  Nomis Deare is now awaiting trail or rescue by the British Government at an unknown prison camp in an unknown part of the world. Of course it could all just be a figment of Aylid’s imagination to disguise her parents divorce?

  Needless-to-say, Aylid and indeed, Anna Smarna rarely mention him anymore. Although Aylid, as is her way, refers to her mother as a ‘war widow’.

  ~~~

  No sooner had Holly, Ryan and Moggy stepped into the post office than they were greeted with, “Sorry, only two school children at a time,” from Aylid who was indeed serving behind the counter.

  Moggy, using his crutch and dragging his plaster-cast leg, made his way to the counter. “School holidays,” he smiled “and that means no school. And that means we are not, strictly speaking, school kids. Besides,” he gave his crutch a little wiggle, “I’m an invalid.”

  Aylid twirled the end of her hair with her right hand and put it in her mouth. For a moment she chewed on it, looking at Moggy, Ryan and Holly. “What do you want then? Better hurry up, my mum is upstairs and she says, it’s your sort that’s ruined the village school.”

  Holly stepped up to the counter and smiled. We were wondering she said, quite matter-of-factly, if you have an up to date copy the village’s voting list?

  Aylid stopped chewing her hair. “What do you want with that? You can’t vote, so you won’t be on it.”

  “It’s for our holiday project,” said Ryan, adding to his long list of existing lies, “we’re going to write to everyone as part of a survey and it would be nice if we could make the letters a bit more personal, instead of just mister or…”

  Aylid cut him off. “Has this got anything to do with the school swimming pool?”

  The three friends shrugged. They knew nothing about the school swimming pool, other than one was being built on the school field.

  Aylid smiled in a very self-satisfied way. “Well, don’t expect to be swimming any time soon.” She tapped the side of her nose – a gesture copied from her mother.

  At that moment, Aylid’s mother, Anna, who’d been upstairs, appeared behind the counter. “Aylid, lovie, let Mr …” she paused and stroked the man’s arm, “let Vic out, will you?” Anna smiled at the man who was standing beside her.

  The man, Vic, was a little taller than Anna Smarna at around 5 foot, 7inches, he was older too, quite wiry in his build and his face had a lived-in and worn look. He kissed Anna on the cheek and turned to leave.

  “Oh, Vic,” Anna smiled at him, “don’t forget you parcel,” she motioned for Aylid to pass over a long box. The address label was torn and smudged, unreadable except for

  Mr V… some smudged lines, then Troove Village, ‘…shire’ and a smudged but readable postcode.

  Vic took the parcel from Aylid and shook his head, “mail order companies, eh? Hopeless! How hard is it to get an address label right? Luckily we have an excellent Post Mistress and a very good assistant.”

  Ryan nudged Moggy and winked at Holly then put two fingers in his mouth and pretended to be sick. They watched the man leave the post office. As he did so, he turned and made a ‘call me’ sign to Anna with his right hand and winked.

  Anna looked at Aylid then nodded toward the three friends. She drew a number two in the air and mouthed two at a time, before turning to go back upstairs. As she did, Ryan called out to her, “Mrs Deare, sorry to trouble you. Do you have a list of people who live in the village?”

  “A voting list?” added Holly, “It’s for a holiday project we’re doing,” she repeated Ryan’s lie by way of explanation.

  Anna Smarna turned around, her face set in its usual lizard smile e
xpression. “You’ll need to try the library for that.” She glanced over at Aylid and raised her eyebrows and flashed two fingers.

  Without waiting for Aylid to remind them of Anna Smarna’s two at a time rule, Holly, Ryan and Moggy headed out of the post office.

  ~~~~~

  three

  The Wednesday after Easter ~ around midday

  Church Road, Trove Village

  Outside the post office Holly looked down Church Road then up toward the junction where Church Road joined the main road. “Well, he made a quick getaway,” she said.

  “Maybe he needed to recover from Anna Smarna and ran down to the pub!” Ryan suggested.

  “No,” said Moggy shaking his head, “it was the thought of being step dad to Aylid!”

  The three friends started to walk down Church Road and as they walked, they talked about what would happen if Aylid’s dad ever came home and who, in a fight between the thin and wrinkly ‘Vic’ and porker Deare – the village Taliban – would win.

  Moggy laughed out, “Shouldn’t that be, village Tali-bun! I mean, he was in the catering regiment.” They all laughed except Ryan who just smirked. “I’ll be back in a mo,” he said and ran off back toward the post office.

  Aylid was still behind the counter when Ryan burst in and blurted out, “What’s your new dad’s last name?”

  Aylid looked at him puzzled then pulled her bunny face – front teeth stuck out rabbit style, nose pushed up with a finger and wild, staring eyes.

  “Oh grow up! Said Ryan, “just tell me his last name, that Vic bloke.”

  “Mummy, mummy,” Aylid called out.

  Ryan grinned, content he had annoyed Aylid, and left the post office.

  Back with Holly and Moggy, Ryan told them, “Thought I’d see if Aylid would tell me Anna Smarna’s new boyfriend’s last name... She wouldn’t.”

  I bet you didn’t ask her nicely remarked Holly. Moggy nodded in agreement and suggested they go and see what progress the builders were making with the school swimming pool. Then, more thinking aloud than anything else, he said, “what do you suppose Aylid-the-Aphid meant when she said, ‘don’t expect to be swimming any time soon’.

  “I like that,” smiled Holly, “Aylid-the-Aphid. But you know what she’s like, she can’t wear pants anymore because they’ll catch fire!”

  “Liar, liar pants on fire!” Ryan called out as they carried on past the Parish Rooms, which looked to be closed, and along the chest-high wall of the school playground. A small sign on the side gate to the playground read:

  Please Do Not lean on or over

  this gate or the playground wall

  to talk to the children

  Underneath someone had scribbled in marker pen, They bite!!!

  “I bet that was you, Ryan,” Holly dug him playfully in the ribs.

  Ryan shook his head, not his handwriting but, perhaps, he did inspire someone to do it… They all laughed and turned into the school car park then walked on through toward the second, larger car park that really belonged to the New Village Hall but was used by anyone and everyone who drove their children to school, as an overflow car park. Along one side of the car park ran the chain link fence of the school field.

  As they entered into the second car park, they had to jump out of the way as a red quad bike skidded and careered past, having taken the speed bump at the single entrance and exit too fast, narrowly missing the three of them.

  Moggy dropped his crutch and fell over. “That’s it,” he spluttered, sprawling on the ground, “That is the thing that knocked me over in Gallows Tree Lane!” He propped himself up against the fence and watched as Ryan ran after the quad bike shaking his fist and calling out the type of insult he’d heard his father hurling from time-to-time at televised football matches.

  Holly helped Moggy back onto his feet. Then she rummaged in her pocket and pulled out a handful of boiled sweets. “Here, have one of these. My Gran,” she explained, “ is always loading my pockets up with sweets.”

  Moggy smiled and took a sweet, popped it into his mouth, sucked on it for a moment and said, “Mmm … blackcurrant, nice… That was the same bike thing, though; I told the police it looked like a motorised lawnmower or something! I couldn’t think how to describe it.”

  Ryan returned and shrugged. He couldn’t catch up with the quad bike or see who was riding it. “Whoever it was,” he explained, “had one of those open-faced type helmets and goggles on and a scarf over their mouth…” he paused and looked at Moggy, “you all right?”

  Moggy nodded. He was certain it was the same one that had knocked him over and broke his arm and leg. He pointed at the gate that led from the car park into the school field. “Looks like they may have been around the building site…gate’s open.”

  The three friends passed through the gate and took the short walk to the site of the school’s new swimming pool. Surrounded by tall mesh fencing, it was little more than a hole in the ground at the moment: a hole in the ground aspiring to be a 25-metre pool. Holly, Ryan and Moggy began to walk around the fencing.

  “Hey, you! Clear off!” a voice, loud, gravely and irritated shouted out from the other side of the fence. A man in a very grubby yellow jacket strode over to them. “This whole field is a building sight,” he said from behind the fence, “you’ll have to leave.”

  Holly whispered to Ryan and Moggy leave this her. She gave the man an embarrassed smile, “I’m sorry, we were looking for our, erm, ‘friend.’ I don’t suppose you’ve seen him?”

  The man snorted then wiped his nose with his fingers. “Friend? You ain’t nothing to do with that bloke who just left or the council are you?” he wiped his nose again but this time with the sleeve of his jacket and coughed. “Some councillor or some-at, says we got to stop all work.” He waved a sheet of paper in the air.

  “Oh sorry,” giggled Holly, did I say friend? I meant fox! He’s a bit like a school

  mascot. Really tame.”

  The man shook his head, he’d not seen any foxes but they needed to leave, he was going to lock the field gate. He waved the bit of paper at them again. “Site’s been closed down. Someone has objected,” he coughed again, “seems your swimming pool is going across an old right of way, you know, foot path. Already had to change the plans once because of that tree…can’t see why it can’t be chopped down.” he nodded at the old oak tree situated about twenty feet from what would be the corner of the new swimming pool.

  “That’s the Hanging Tree,” explained Moggy, “Judge Earl Flint hung ten or more people on that tree in the 17th century.”

  Unimpressed, the builder yet again wiped his nose on his sleeve; “one good strike of lightning and it’ll be down. Don’t know why they want to keep it.”

  “It’s what they call heritage,” said Ryan, adding, “the school used to be a court house back then. But when they put up a bigger one in town, they turned this one into a school.”

  The builder continued to be unimpressed; “all I knows is, some clever letter writer has kicked up a fuss and caused me no end of problems. Now I got to get a security guard to watch this place while I argue it out with the council. You,” he waved a finger at the three friends, “need to leave.”

  “Is that who the man on the quad bike was?” asked Holly.

  The builder shook his head, “that bloke was just the messenger.” He looked at the letter, “this is signed by Councillor Rita M Bullock. Don’t know her but she’s going to find out who I am and soon!”

  Back in the car park, Holly, Ryan and Moggy watched the builder first lock then fix a notice to the school field gate. He then got into his surprisingly clean van and drove off. As soon as he was gone, they read the notice. The District Council had granted a temporary injunction, following receipt of an objection, halting all building work for 14 days until the council could look into the planning objection more fully.

  Moggy shrugged, “you’d have thought that all that sort of thing would have been sorted out before t
hey started digging up the school field.”

  “You should hear my dad,” said Holly, “he says any building work that goes on in this village is all done for backhanders, you know, bribes. Reckons it won’t be long before some developer buys up Phiskers Farm and builds houses and shops all over it, once the right money gets to the right people.”

  “What’s that buzzing?” said Ryan, looking at Moggy, “it’s you, isn’t it?”

  Moggy tutted and pulled out his e-tab. He’d set the alarm to remind him to go home. Shoe shopping he explained, school shoes. He waved his plaster-cast leg; “not sure how they’ll get a shoe on this though!”

  “Well, no point hanging around here,” said Ryan, “why don’t we meet up at the scout hut tomorrow morning?”

  Moggy and Holly nodded in agreement and the three walked out through the car parks and back onto Church Road before saying so long to each other.

  ~~~~~

  four

  The Thursday after Easter ~ around 9.30am

  Trove Village Scout Hut

  Moggy eyed Edna suspiciously, then without taking his eyes off her, asked Holly and Ryan, “Do you think she is being a bit, you know, friendly today?”