Four Summers

by Nyrae Dawn

  I look over at him. “I don’t want to see it differently.”

  “Why?” he asks. “It’s one of my favorite things about you. You wanna see and do so much, but you have this kind of nobility or something about you that makes you put all your dreams aside for other people. I couldn’t do that. Not many people could.”

  I think that might be the best compliment I’ve ever received. “No one makes me feel like you do,” I tell him.

  He looks down at me as we keep walking up the mountain. “You do the same thing to me, Star Girl.”

  “I…” Before I can continue, my foot comes down the wrong way on a rock. I fall forward, but Nate catches me. I wonder if one day, I’ll ever be able to catch myself.

  “My brother wants to go camping, Charlotte. He told me to ask you if you can hook it up. I think he’s feeling lonely because he’s stuck in his room every night alone.”

  Brandon flips Nate off. “Screw you. That has nothing to do with it. I just thought it would be fun, you asshole.”

  Nate laughs, but then he turns to me, looking panicky. “I didn’t mean…not because we’re out or every night or…shit.” Something else seems to hit him. He leans down so his mouth is by my ear and whispers. “I’m an asshole. I shouldn’t have said it that way because of your sister.”

  Because of Sadie leaving. I get it, reaching over, my hand grabs his shirt by his stomach. “No worries. I know what you meant.”

  I turn my head, “Brandon, I’m not inviting girls on a camping trip because you’re lonely.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” He crosses his arms, looking every bit of the jock-ish, football player he is. “I just thought it would be fun to get out, but I know my brother doesn’t go anywhere without you, so…”

  “Would you?” Nate asks, while I say, “You guys can go camping. I don’t have to tag along.”

  Now Nate’s attention is on me. “Who said I want to go without you? I’m with him all the time.”

  “See!” Brandon adds.

  “I used to love camping. Me, Dad, Alec and his dad went a lot when we were younger.”

  Nate stiffens at that. “Of course.”

  “I don’t like him like that. I never will.” It doesn’t matter to me that Brandon is sitting right there when I say it. All that matters is Nate hearing it and believing it.

  “Yeah, she doesn’t like him like that. My baby brother is jealous of Alec.”

  “Screw you,” Nate tells him before turning to me. “Camping could be fun.”

  Camping could be a blast. But… “The only way I’m going to be able to go is if I go with Alec. And Alec’s probably going to have to talk him into it.” Suddenly all sorts of plans are forming in my mind. Spending the night, the whole night and part of the day up in the mountains with the stars and Nate. I can’t imagine anything more perfect, but…who would help Dad here?

  “Your Dad would really let you go camping with Alec? Does he know guys?” Nate asks.

  “He trusts him. He’s known Alec his whole life.”

  “And he can get your dad to let you go with all of us? We’ll get caught otherwise. There’s no way someone’s not going to realize that Brandon and I are gone, too.” Nate still looks a little tense, but like he’s trying to hide it.

  “Dad trusts him,” I say again. “And there’s no promises…I can probably make it look like Danielle and some of the others are going too…” I’m suddenly really glad that I never let Dad see that there was anything more going on with Nate and me.

  “We doing this?” Brandon jumps in.

  Nate shrugs and I say, “Let's do it.”

  “You’re sure you’re not going to be the only girl there, Charlie Rae?” Dad asks for the millionth time. My camping supplies are all sitting by the door, waiting for us to head out.

  “Yeah, Dad. We’re meeting up with Danielle and some other friends.” Liar, liar pants on fire. “We just want to do some fishing and sleeping out. Brandon leaves for college soon and he wants to do some different stuff before he goes.”

  “You can fish here.”

  Yes, yes we can. “But it’s not the same to camp here. I live here! How many times did we used to go? It’s fun to get out like that.”

  Dad sighs before sitting on the back of the couch. “I know, kiddo. I get it. And you deserve to have some fun. With…” he closes his eyes and I wonder if he’s trying not to cry. “With your mom and sister leaving, I know that puts a lot more pressure on you.”

  He doesn’t mention his MS and I wonder if it’s on purpose. He doesn’t talk to Mom when they call, only Sadie. I don’t really talk to my sister, only Mom. None of us ever discus his MS. I think we all want to pretend it’s not true.

  “You know how much I need you, Charlie, but I want you to have fun too. That’s why I’m letting you go. You work so hard, kiddo.”

  You know how much I need you.

  I know more than I wish I did. “I know, Dad. I want to be here for you.”

  He nods and then I hear Alec’s voice outside.

  “I better go. You’ll have help here, right?”

  Alec’s parents are helping while we’re gone. I know that, but have to ask anyway.

  “I’ll be okay. You just have fun.”

  Dad follows me outside and walks almost to the truck with me, but stops at Alec.

  “Take care of her, son.” He touches Alec’s shoulder. “I’m trusting you.”

  My eyes lock with Nate’s. His face says everything I need to know. He heard. And it hurt him.

  “Absolutely. You know I’d do anything for Charlie,” Alec tells him, as Nate climbs in the back of the truck with his brother.

  Alec drives up to the area we used to go to when we were kids, which is about forty-five minutes away. The back of the truck is packed with tons of fishing stuff, a football (of course), along with the rest of our supplies, which includes four tents; one for me and then one for each boy, because they’re guys and apparently that means they can’t sleep next to each other.

  We park in this little turn out and then walk a trail to look for our spot. All our hands are full and packs on our backs until we find the perfect spot nestled between a large group of trees. It’s perfect because it’s secluded, hidden away, but not too far from the water.

  Somehow all my stuff gets tangled together as I’m trying to get my backpack off. I’m about to scream when Nate walks up to me and says, “I got it.”

  They’re the first words he’s spoken to me since before we left. He screws around with the fishing pole before getting it untangled and leaning it against a tree.

  “You’re free now,” he says at the exact moment I'm blurting, “I’m sorry about my dad.”

  Nate hooks his finger in one the belt loops on my jeans. “It’s not your fault, and I’m being a prick about it. It just…it fucking sucks, honestly. Remember when we talked about Monica and Hailey? It’s like…”

  He steps closer to me, wrapping his arms around my neck and resting his chin on my head. “Imagine seeing one of them with me every day. My parents raving about her. I know I’m going to leave and you’ll still be here with him and that your lives are tied together in this way I’ll never be able to have with you. That if some asshole hurts you, he’ll get to be the one to protect you. And then I feel like shit for thinking all of that because he’s your best friend. You’ve known him a whole hell of a lot longer than me.”

  He pauses and I slide my arms around him. Fist my hands in his shirt and wish everything he said wasn’t true. That he wouldn’t have to leave or that I could go. That we could have more than just our summers. I try to tell him with the way I’m holding him that I feel like that, too.

  “So, yeah…that’s where my head’s at, and like I said, it just really fucking sucks.”

  “I want it to be you. I’ll always want it to be you.”

  Nate pulls back, and for the first time there’s insecurity in his face. Doubt, which is something I never expected to see from him.
<
br />   “Yeah?”

  “Yeah…I—”

  “Come on, you guys!” Brandon steps up to us. “Do that shit later. Let’s get camp set up.”

  The moment is broken. Nate and I pull away from each other, and get to work.

  We set up the tents and pack the food away so it won’t lure the bears. Brandon and Alec decide they want to go fishing so we get all the gear ready. I slip into my tent to change, putting on the new yellow bikini that I’m determined to wear today. Without a shirt over it. I don’t want to be one of those girls who hides who she is. I want to be proud, because I’m me and I don’t want to think there’s anything wrong with that.

  Still…I put on a pair of cut off shorts, because walking around in a bikini, especially if we’re going to be fishing, just isn’t my style.

  Nate is standing by his brother and Alec when I climb out. The guys are already in their shorts and of course none of them are wearing shirts. I might be the luckiest girl on the planet right now, because all three of them are gorgeous. Nate and Brandon with their dark hair and strong builds. Alec sunny and blond, but just as muscular as the other two.

  “Hey.” The corner of Nate’s mouth pulls up in a grin when he sees me. He walks over and in that second, I decide not to hold anything back on this camping trip. I lean up and kiss his lips.

  “Perfect,” he says into my hair, before we pull away.

  Alec shakes his head, but then Brandon says, “Dude, cut them some slack.” Obviously pissed, Alec heads toward the water. Brandon follows behind him and then Nate and I take up the rear.

  It’s even prettier up here than it is at The Village. Mountains surround us with the water sparkling in the middle of it. I set up the chairs while Brandon and Alec screw around with their poles, laughing over something in a way that only boys do.

  “Do you want to fish or go swimming with me?” Nate asks. There’s no question about what my answer will be. After unbuttoning and unzipping my shorts, I step out of them. Turning to walk toward the water, I’m suddenly swooped off the ground and Nate is running with me in his arms.

  “You’re going to piss off the fish!” Brandon yells.

  “Go somewhere else then!” Nate isn't even looking at him as he wades into the water with me in his arms.

  We spend what feels like forever and also two seconds at the same time, splashing around in the water. Nate dunks my head and I wrap arms around his neck and realize that’s kind of our thing.

  When we are tired of holding ourselves up, Nate runs to the shore and grabs an inner tube. Brandon and Alec have moved out of sight, giving us the space I want and keeping their precious fish calm.

  When Nate gets back to me, we lie down together in the tube and float along the water.

  “You and Brandon are closer than you used to be, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah…kind of. I’m mean, we’ve never really been that close. Even now. Why?” His hand splays out across my stomach.

  “Because he told Alec to chill out earlier and they’re not on top of us right now.”

  Nate shrugs. “I guess I’ve talked to him more about you this summer. He knows I like you, and I guess he gets it.”

  Rolling over, I lie with my stomach on his. My cheek on his chest, while his hands do the same thing to my back that they just did on my belly. “Are you still playing baseball your senior year?” I ask. He’d mentioned before that he wasn’t sure if he would.

  “That came out of the blue.”

  “I want to make sure I know everything about you.”

  So we talk. He tells me that he is playing ball because he figures he might as well continue what he started. We talk about classes and he asks when was the last time I talked to Mom and Sadie. “A couple days ago,” I tell him. “They call about once a week.”

  We talk about stupid things like our favorite drinks and he tells me about the time he did two keg-stands at a house party and how it’s the only time he’s ever thrown up while drinking.

  We talk about my dad, and Nate's parents and how he never would have thought he’d miss Brandon, but he’s kind of bummed his brother is leaving for school. It’s like any other conversation we’ve had. It’s everything and nothing out of the ordinary too.

  Suddenly, water comes splashing at us. I don’t know how we didn’t hear Alec and Brandon approaching. Nate rolls with me and we’re off the inner tube sending water right back at them. It’s the first time the four of us have really hung out like this.

  Soon, the water fight is over and we’re heading back to shore.

  Nate and I decide we want to fish, but Brandon says he’s tired and wants to go back to camp for a nap. Alec looks unsure at what to do.

  “It’s cool. You can chill with us if you wanna,” Nate tells him, which I know isn’t easy for him to say.

  Brandon shakes his head. “How in the hell am I supposed to find my way back then? I didn’t grow up out here like you guys.”

  “Idiot,” Nate laughs and even Alec joins in.

  “I’ll help you,” Alec says.

  When the two of them are gone, Nate and I each sit in the chairs, side-by-side, with our poles in the water.

  He’s looking out at the lake, as am I. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see him turn and stare at me…forever.

  “I wanna be with you,” Nate blurts out. His voice sounds a little huskier than usual, but still strong. Firm.

  “What?” I thought we were already pretty much together.

  “I want to be with you. I know it’s stupid, but I think we should do it. We should give it a try, Star Girl. We’ll talk every day and I know it’ll suck and it’ll be hard as hell, but how will we know if we don’t try?”

  My heart is beating a million miles per hour. My eyes sting, but at the same time a smile stretches across my face. “Really? How…I mean.”

  “We talked all year, and we weren’t together. We’ll do it when we are.”

  Little blips of our conversation from earlier filters in. “Is this because of Alec? I don’t want—”

  I actually see Nate’s defenses go up.

  “I don’t give a shit about Alec. This has to do with you and me. What do we have to lose? We’re both pretty friggin' miserable when we’re not together.”

  I don’t want to talk him out of it, but he needs to know the magnitude of what he’s saying. “We’ll never see each other. It’s not fair… It’s your senior year. You’ll want to date and go to prom and…”

  He shrugs. “Who cares? I want you, Charlotte. You. I’ll be eighteen in October. I have money saved and can get plane tickets. I’ll come see you. Fuck, I don’t know if it’ll work. I just know I wanna be with you. I don’t want to say goodbye like we do every year, ya know? Maybe I’m not supposed to admit stuff like that—”

  “You are,” I tell him. “You so totally are.”

  This makes him laugh and I love it. It’s impossible not to join in with the deep, throaty sound. Him being happy makes me happy and I know I’m one of the lucky ones because I feel it in the way he treats me. I know I make him feel the same way.

  “I want to be with you, too. But what about college?”

  He rolls his eyes at me as though I’m being crazy. “It’s a year away. Stop trying to fast forward to the future. We can apply to some of the same schools, just in case. You never know what can happen. Hell, even if it’s just pretend, let’s do it.

  I don’t let myself think. Don’t want to think about all the ways this can go wrong or how it will kill me if we somehow make this work for a whole year and then I lose him. But he’s right. Or maybe I just want to pretend he is. If we don’t give it a shot I’ll always wonder—and always regret not having tried. The only thing I know is I’m opening my mouth and letting the word, “yes,” jump free.

  I smile and look over at him, little water droplets on his skin and his dark hair wet. Nate leans toward me. “Yeah?”

  “Yes.”

  Then he kisses me, his tongue stroking me slowly, a
nd it’s the best, most amazing kiss he’s ever given me. Maybe better than any kiss in the world.

  When he pulls back he touches my hair and I know it’s all messy and stringy from being wet, but I don’t care.

  “Holy shit, we’re sappy. Maybe I should throw you over my shoulder or something to show you how manly I really am.”

  I push at him. “Oh my God! That doesn’t make you manly, and why do boys care so much if they sound sappy once in a while? Ugh.” I get up, pretending to walk away, but he hooks his arms around my waist and pulls me to his lap.

  “I’ll be sappy with you, Star Girl. No one knows me like you do.”

  Later, I’ll realize I should have told him I love him. That moment would have been the perfect chance, but unlike the first time I saw him, I didn’t realize this was one of my moments.

  Instead I sit here while we finish fishing. Once we’re done we go back to camp and hang out with Brandon and Alec. We cook dinner on the fire and roast marshmallows, doing all those things you’re supposed to do while camping.

  When it’s time for bed, I don’t bother with going into my tent. I climb right into Nate’s with him and we spend half the night kissing, touching and exploring before we fall asleep in each other’s arms.

  And for once, everything feels perfect. I can forget Dad has MS, and Mom and Sadie are gone. That Dad needs me and Alec wants me to stay here with him and that in less than a month, Nate will be leaving.

  We’re together. We’re going to stay together. For now, I’m focusing on that.

  Each day seems to go by faster and faster. It’s always in the back of my mind, and it makes my stomach ache, but not with the same ferocity it could have. It’s different knowing we both want to make a go at this. Even though we’re young and everyone would tell us it’s stupid, we care about each other enough to try.