Four Summers

by Nyrae Dawn

  I think Dad knows something is going on with us, but I don't even let that bother me. Nate works with us almost every day and even though you can tell it about kills Dad sometimes, he appreciates it.

  Even Alec is being okay. I don’t know if it was because they got along well on the camping trip or what. It’s not like they’ll ever be super good friends or anything. That much is obvious, but they don't look like they want to murder each other half the time.

  For once, everything feels okay. Like maybe if you want something enough or you earn it enough, maybe you can get the things you want.

  Not that I think I’ll be with Nate forever. We’ve talked about schools to apply to and wondered what it would be like, but I don’t know if I really believe that will ever happen. Dad is still sick. Sadie and Mom are still gone. And I’m still needed here.

  It’s a slow day around The Village. It gets like that toward the end of the summer sometimes. People leave early or they stay in and relax more. Dad gave Alec the day off, and him, Nate, and I are working on the back deck of one of the empty cabins. Some of the boards are rotting out so we have to replace half of it and then stain it. Luckily it’s not too big.

  “Can I get your hand over here for a minute, Nate?” Dad asks him and I can’t help but look up from where I’m working to watch them. They’re working together the same way he would have with Alec and it makes fizzy hope bubble over inside me.

  What if things could really work out? What if they aren’t as hopeless as I always thought they were?

  “Shit. Be careful. You almost got my thumb.” Dad laughs and shakes his head playfully at Nate. “You haven’t let Charlie teach you how to use a hammer, have you? She’s made me lose a nail and lost one herself, getting a little over anxious.”

  Nate glances at me, his face full of mischief. “No, but those definitely sound like stories I’d like to hear.”

  “Dad! Don’t,” I yell which of course makes him launch into the story. Even though I pretend it bothers me, it doesn’t. It’s cool seeing them converse and hear Dad talking about the past. We have so many memories together and I’m lucky, so lucky, that he’s taught me all the things he has. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am without him.

  After teasing from Nate, we get back to work again. It’s not long later when Dad says, “I’ll be right back. I need to stand up for a few minutes.”

  My eyes immediately dart to him as I watch him struggle slightly to stand. It might not be obvious to everyone, but it is to me. I flinch as Dad pushes up and the second he’s to his feet, I want to die. I know it’s nothing, nothing compared to how he must feel.

  My eyes fill with tears as the wet spot in the font of his pants grows.

  Nate turns away, picks up a tool and I know he’s pretending not to notice that my dad lost control of his bladder. They said things like this could happen, but hearing it and seeing it are two different things.

  Without a word, Dad drops his tool belt to the deck and walks away.

  Nate is to me before right as the first tears rolls off my face and hits the deck. “Shh. Come here. It’s okay. I got you.”

  Climbing onto his lap, I wrap my arms around his him, bury my face into his neck and give into my cries. Nate just holds me, rubs my back and tells me it will be okay. That he’s sorry, but all I can think is that my dad, the big, strong man who’s run The Village since he was twenty years old, the one who built a fort with me and taught me to fish and play football and drive a boat, just peed his pants when he stood up.

  My legs shake as I walk into the house a little while later. Seeing Dad right now is the last thing I want to do. Maybe that’s not what I should be thinking, but I am and it’s not just because of me. It’s for him. After what just happened, I know he wishes he’d never have to see Nate or me again.

  But I also can’t walk away. It’s not right and no matter how hard it is, I have to try and show him that it’s okay. That nothing has changed.

  Yeah right.

  “Hey,” Dad says, changed into a fresh pair of clothes. “You might want to get changed. We’re leaving soon.”

  Confusion pushes words out of my mouth, “Where are we going?”

  “Randy and Maggie.”

  Huh? I have no idea why we’d be going to Alec’s all of a sudden. “Okay…when will we be back?”

  “Who knows, Charlie? Do you have plans I don’t know about?”

  Every night. “No. Let me go take a shower. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

  After grabbing my clothes, I lock myself in the bathroom and text Nate.

  Don’t know if I’ll be able to make it out 2night. Dad suddenly wants to go to Alec’s.

  Everything cool? He asks almost immediately.

  Think so. We used to go there a lot. Maybe he just misses old times?

  This time it takes a minute for him to reply. K. See ya 2morrow. Let me know if u need anything.

  Thx

  Nate doesn’t reply after that. I wonder if he’s mad, but I don’t know what he would expect me to do. I have to go with Dad.

  My shower is over quickly and before I know it we’re in the truck heading over to Alec’s. I don’t ask him about The Village—who he has working it or if he just closed it down early for tonight. None of those things really matter.

  Alec and his family live in a small house about two miles from us. The short drive doesn’t give us time to talk, and honestly, I’m not sure if I want to.

  Dad knocks, but doesn't wait for an answer before pushing their front door open.

  “We’re out back!” Maggie yells, so we weave our way through their house to the deck where Randy stands in front of the grill while Alec and his mom sit at their picnic table. It’s like déjà vu to so many other evenings of my life that for a second, I actually feel like I’ve been transported back in time.

  Sadie and Mom’s empty seats jerk me right back to the present.

  “Charlie Rae! It’s been much too long since you came to visit.” Maggie hugs me. Yes, we see each other at least a few times a week because she helps at The Village, but she’s right. I haven’t been to Alec’s house all summer.

  “Hey, kiddo,” Randy says.

  “Hi.” My reply was means for them both.

  “What’s up?” Alec asks when I sit down by him. Our parents are all on the other side of the deck by the grill now.

  “Hey.”

  “Surprised you could make it away from your extension tonight.” It’s the first smart aleck comment he’s made about Nate since the campout.

  “First of all, screw you. I hate it when you’re a jerk for no reason. Second,” and now I lower my voice, “Dad peed his pants in front of me today, so excuse me if I’m not in the mood to fight with you.”

  Alec’s facial expression goes hard. Not angry, but…upset? “Shit. I’m sorry, Charlie.”

  I shrug. “It is what it is.”

  Reaching over, he gives me a hug. For a few seconds, I let myself be comforted from my oldest friend.

  Soon we’re all eating dinner together outside. Dad is laughing with Alec’s parents like nothing happened. From dinner we go into card games and it isn't long before I’m laughing, too. It’s so easy, the time we spend together. Like second nature. I know his family as well as my own. His dad has always been a little more standoffish. Not rude, but he’s just one of those silent, manly types who make people nervous, but still, I know he’s a good guy. I know he cares about my family. For a second, I think about how much easier it would be if I loved Alec the way I do Nate.

  Holy shit.

  I have Dad in my sights now. Is that why we’re here? Is he trying to manipulate me?

  “Wanna go inside for a while?” Alec asks as though I’m not having an internal breakdown here. Without a reply I push to my feet, knowing if I stay out here, I’m not going to be able to keep my mouth shut. As much as the words want to come out, I don’t want to do that in front of Alec and his family.

  As soon as we get into Alec�
��s room, I fall into the chair by his desk and he sits on the bed.

  “Can’t believe summer’s almost over,” he says.

  “Yep.”

  “We’re seniors next year.”

  “Uh huh.” The short answers are about all I can manage right now.

  “Wanna run away with me and have all my babies?”

  “Sure.” As soon as I reply, I realize my mistake. “Alec!”

  “It’s your fault. What? You can’t talk to me anymore?”

  My instinct is to yell at him, but there’s a genuine sadness to his words. That little bit of vulnerability that Alec doesn’t often show. “I just have a lot going on right now. It’s not you, and you know it.”

  He nods, because no matter what, he really does.

  “It’s crazy how much things can change sometimes, isn’t it? I mean…everything. It’s like you expect your life to go a certain way and then you get thrown this huge curveball—”

  “Baseball metaphors? You’re inner football player must be pissed.”

  “I’m serious, Charlie. I never would have expected someone to come between us. I just…always thought no matter what, there would always be certain things I’d know. You are one of those things. I never expected that to change…”

  In that moment, I see someone different in Alec than I’ve ever seen before. It’s hard for me to even say what it is; I just know it’s not the Alec I thought I knew my whole life. For the first time, it's out in the open, that the future we both thought we would fall into won’t come to pass.

  “You are and will always be my best friend, Alec. Please tell me you know that.” Getting up, I walk over and sit next to him.

  “Yeah?” he asks.

  “Absolutely. Nate or no one else will ever change that. I’d do anything for you.”

  Alec pulls me into a hug. “I’ve got…there are some things going on with me too.”

  I cock my head and look at him. “What is it? Your dad?”

  “Yes and no. Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

  “I’m here when you’re ready.”

  He sighs. “I know. I love you, Charlie. You’re a good friend.”

  Bruises cover my heart, as everything seems to drain out of me. “I love you too.”

  I knew nothing could stay perfect for long.

  The truck is silent except for the rumble of the engine as Dad and I bump down the road.

  “I’m sorry about today,” he says, after what feels like an eternity.

  Which part? I wonder. The thing on the deck or trying to manipulate me. “Why did we go to Maggie and Randy’s tonight, Dad?”

  “They’re our friends—”

  “Who we haven’t visited forever. Why tonight?”

  Dad sighs. “Look, Charlie. I’m tired and I’ve had a long day. If you have something to say to me, you need to just say it.”

  “Fine!” I cross my arms. “Did you bring me to Alec’s to pressure me into wanting to stay? To remind me what I have here and…” To make me feel guilty for wanting to leave him. Or maybe not that. He has no reason to know I want to leave, but he doesn’t like how things are between Nate and me. Maybe that scares him.

  To my surprise, Dad whips the car over to the side of the road and turns on the interior light.

  “No matter what, I’m still your father and I don’t appreciate you accusing me of something like that. We went to see them because I needed it. Jesus Christ, Charlie! I pissed my pants in front of you and that kid tonight! Did you ever think how that made me feel? Maybe I just wanted a distraction. I’ve lost my wife, my daughter, and the ability to work all in the past year, and now I can’t even control my God damned bladder!”

  Dad’s open hands slam down on the steering wheel. Tears are running down my face. I’ve never seen him get angry like this. Never heard so much pain in his voice. I feel guilty for assuming this night was about me.

  “I wanted to forget and try to make myself believe things were like they used to be. Christ, I miss her. I miss them both so much, kid. I should have known. She never wanted a life here, but I thought I could make her happy. I assumed that after she left and came back to me—”

  “What?” I cut him off. “When did Mom leave?”

  He looks at me, his eyes as red as they were when Mom told him she and Sadie were leaving. “She was young…nineteen. I knew I loved her, even then. She left with some kid she met one summer. Two months she was gone before he broke her heart by being with another woman, and I healed it for her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. I loved her in a way he never could have. So yes, maybe I did subconsciously bring you to Alec’s tonight partially for that reason. You look at Nate the way your mom used to look at him. I’ll be damned before I let him hurt you the same why she was hurt.”

  Light off.

  Truck started.

  Dad pulls back onto the road and starts to drive away.

  My heart is too heavy and my mind too full to say anything. But there’s one thing I do know: I’m not my mom, and Nate would never hurt me like that.

  All the lights are off in Nate’s cabin when we get home. Dad and I don’t talk further and I go straight to my room.

  Hey.

  Hey he replies.

  Just got home. What ya doing?

  Lying in bed. Have fun?

  No.

  What happened?

  Nothing…fight with Dad. See you 2morrow?

  Always, Star Girl. ‘Night.

  Goodnight

  Dad and I stand in front of the deck on the empty cabin. The completely finished deck that wasn’t done when we left it yesterday.

  “Wow…” Dad runs a hand over his head.

  Yeah. Wow.

  The parking spot in front of cabin 3B is empty. Nate texted me to let me know his parents wanted them to all hang out together today, since they’d be leaving soon. Leaving. That word pries my chest wide open.

  “Did you know?” Dad asks.

  “No.”

  There’s remorse in his voice, but not enough. I know it doesn’t change anything. Neither will my words. “He’s a good person. He’d never hurt me like that guy hurt Mom. I’m taking the day off.”

  Dad doesn’t reply and I don’t wait. It doesn’t matter that Nate won’t be here until this evening. I can’t spend my day with Dad. I go swimming, something I haven’t done by myself in a long time. Afterward I change clothes and go for a hike, hoping my head will clear in all the open space.

  Nate leaves in a week. I thought the fact that we’re going to stay together would change the empty feeling inside me. It’s crazy how you can feel empty and full at the same time. It’s exactly what has taken me over. The emptiness fills me.

  When I get back down to the house, I pack a bag with my telescope, blanket, and all the other things I bring on our nights out. Nate texts when they get back and we pick the time to meet. Dad and I have dinner together, making small talk, but he knows I’m mad and I’m not ready to be over it. Mom left. Sadie left. But I’m still stuck here. And it sucks and it’s not fair and I wish he would see that.

  “Hey you,” Nate says after I climb out the window.

  “Hey.” We lock hands before I say, “Let’s go to the fort tonight.”

  We take the same path we’ve taken so many times together over the past three years. The path that I wonder if we’ll ever take together again. If I leave—though I don’t know how I will—we might not take this walk again.

  If I stay, we might not either. Next summer he’ll be getting ready to go wherever he decides to go to school, ready to live his life. I’ll be helping here and going to school locally, which isn’t horrible, but not my dream either.

  I stomp those thoughts down, not wanting anything to cloud this last time we have together.

  When we get to the fort, we sit in our chairs behind it like we always do. I look through the telescope a little bit, but I’m not really feeling.

  “You finished the deck,”
I finally say while sitting on his lap.

  “It was nothing. Dragged Brandon out there to help me, then went back out to stain it after you got home.”

  “Hey!” I tease. “You lied! You said you were in bed.”

  Nate only shrugs. “Wanted to do it for you guys.”

  He looks down and picks at the peeling paint on the chair. A tense prickle covers my body, making me worried about what’s going on. “What is it?” I finally ask.

  He stalls before answering. “I get it… What’s going on with your dad? Seeing that yesterday? I get it. I know why you feel like you can’t leave him. I don’t think I realized it before, but…I guess I’m selfish because it doesn’t stop me from wanting to keep on doing what we had planned, ya know?”

  “I know.” Because I feel the same way. I lay my head on his shoulder.

  “I was stressing out on saying anything or not, but I knew I had to. I want you, Charlotte. I still want to be with you and see what happens. We can apply for schools still together or not. I just want you to know…I want you to have your stars and that has nothing to do with me…but I get it, okay? I know you’re scared, but don’t be. If you decide you can’t go, I’ll understand.”

  Love over takes that empty feeling, kicking and shoving it out of my system. There’s no room for it when I’m with him. “You have the biggest heart of anyone in the whole wide world,” I say before kissing him.

  Nate kisses me back, urgently, taking the kiss deeper like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. He twists me so I’m facing him, straddling him, and his hands go under the back of my shirt.

  And I know I don’t want him to stop. Nathaniel Chase gave me my very first moment. He gave me my first kiss. He was the first boy to see me naked. To take me skinny-dipping. The first boy I loved, and I want him to have every one of my firsts. Not that I think I’ll ever be with anyone else, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that nothing in life is a guarantee.

  “Do you…” Breathe, Charlotte. It’s Nate. I can say anything to Nate. “I want to really be with you. Do you have any condoms?”