A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “I’m the Devil, Miss Darlene. I can take any form I want, including that of a male snow leopard with a tongue suitable for counting your spots.”

  Hmm. “Demonstrate, please. You’re the Lord of Lies, so I need to see evidence you can do as you say. I will permit you to count a single spot of my choice should you show me this form of yours.”

  “Which spot?”

  Smiling, I held out my arm and pointed at one of my favorite spots, a perfect ring on my wrist. “That one.”

  “How would you like me dressed?” the Devil asked in a purr.

  “I do quite like that suit, but perhaps you could add a splash of color with the tie. Red might work. A good crimson. Black, white, and crimson always work well together.”

  “Dressing appropriately is key to a proper seduction,” he replied, and a dark fog enveloped his body, and when it cleared, he took on a more human appearance with a snow leopard’s ears and tail, and he opted to keep his face clear of fur, with his coat starting just below his chin and covering the rest of his body. As requested, he wore a red tie. “I’ve opted to give just a little of a rough tongue for your enjoyment should you wisely opt for a more thorough exploration of your person.”

  I held out my wrist for him. “You get one and only one spot. Consider it a preview of what you’re going to be missing until I’m finished with all my dirty work. If you put up a fight over being conquered, you’ll just have to wait even longer for even a chance to access more of these spots.”

  “You are quite cruel,” the Devil complained, but he took hold of my hand and traced a finger along the perfect ring, flicking at my fur. “Your coat is quite plush. Much softer than I expected. I must factor in the softness of your fur into my willingness to make sacrifices to gain spot counting privileges. This is one glorious spot, but I find myself wishing to possess two glorious spots.”

  “Well, you only get one spot, so enjoy it while it lasts.”

  “Cruel.”

  “You haven’t seen anything yet, Lucifer.”

  I gave the Devil credit; he didn’t joke around examining his one allowed spot. He stroked my fur with a gentle touch, and after he satisfied himself with his first touch-based exploration, he lifted my hand to his mouth and gave the spot a single kiss. “You are far more patient than my succubi.”

  I raised a brow at that, as his ten minutes of dedicated attention to a single spot promised good things later if he successfully navigated the dark waters of business before pleasure. “Once, I kept a boy company in a stairwell for three hours, and we spent most of it fencing with our tongues. Perhaps if I didn’t like that sort of thing so much, I wouldn’t be a virgin right now. If your succubi don’t enjoy the slow approach, perhaps you should train them better. You only have yourself to blame. Patience is a virtue for a reason.”

  “Had patience been presented as a virtue suitable for pleasant pursuits, perhaps I would have cultivated more patience. You are a feline, and felines are curious creatures. I’ll have to account for your nature should I win a second spot. Or, perhaps, entice you with an offering?”

  “Business before pleasure,” I reminded him.

  “You are excessively cruel.”

  “View it as a good qualification to run this place for a while. I’ll even be a fairly benevolent dictator and mostly allow you to do what you want.”

  “Mostly does not mean I get to do everything I want.”

  “That’s correct. For example, you do not get to count my spots.” I freed my hand from the Devil’s hold. “Once I bring my targets here, you don’t get to send them out of this joint until I’ve had my turn with them. I will allow you to critique my torture techniques, however. I figure you have to be a little decent at it.”

  “A little decent? I’m the Devil. I’m the supreme master of torture techniques.”

  “As I said, you’re a little decent at torture techniques.”

  “You are an infuriating woman.”

  “I am an infuriating woman who has what you want, so let’s get down to business. I need your place for a while. You also need to settle down and find a succubus who is willing to put up with you. You can amuse yourself with that business while I’m running the place. Your current level of sexual repression can’t be good for your health. Perhaps you’re tiring your succubi because you’re repressed and wait until you’re frustrated before joining one in bed. I feel those archangels dumped me here to knock some sense back into you. Do the bachelor seeking a bachelorette thing, try to contain yourself at least a little, and maybe you’ll find a suitable woman to become the queen of your domain.”

  “Her being a queen implies she’ll have run of the place.”

  “Well, yes. Having a queen around to knock sense into your minions would probably be helpful.”

  “My minions are the generals of my many hells, and cut their teeth on sin and violence,” the Devil replied.

  “Well, she better be one hell of a woman, then. Moving on. As I expect to be visiting here often, I’ll need to take over a room.”

  “You may stay in my bedroom.”

  “You really have trouble with rules, don’t you? No more spots if you can’t follow the rules, Lucifer. My rules state you don’t get any pleasure before my business is completed, so I will not be residing in your bedroom. Anyway, I don’t play games with men, and I don’t engage with men who have side chicks, so you’ll have to maintain your bedroom for your bachelorette succubi. Surely you have at least one good guest bedroom in this place?”

  “Why would I have a guest bedroom?”

  “For guests. Not fucking assholes, for actual guests.”

  “Why would I bring guests into my home for longer than a few hours?”

  “This is why your succubi do not want to engage in a long-term relationship with you. You need a guest bedroom. You need multiple guest bedrooms. For example, I’ll have my pipsqueak of a brother here with me, and he needs his own guest bedroom. I get my own guest bedroom, and you should have at least two or three other guest bedrooms for visitors.”

  “This sounds like a great deal of work. Why can’t I just throw the guests into the dungeon? I already have dungeons.”

  “The dungeons are for the fucking assholes unless you have a guest who wants to experience the dungeon.”

  “I don’t like your rules.”

  “Deal with them. Guest bedrooms, Lucifer, not excuses. Moving on. I’ll need an office, as I’m sure you have more paperwork than sense.”

  “I feel personally attacked by that statement.”

  “That is because I personally attacked you with that statement. I swear, you must have gotten kicked out of the heavens for your tendency to whine, complain, and talk back.”

  “You’re not wrong,” he admitted. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”

  “I really don’t care. You’re a stepping stone, buddy. I have goals, and I’ll use you to accomplish them.”

  “For every day you control my many hells, I get to count a spot,” the Devil announced. “This is a fair arrangement. If you control my many hells for more days than you have spots, I get to count spots a second, third, or fourth time until I have counted a spot for every day you’ve taken the place over.”

  At a minimum of ten minutes per spot with a mix of hands and mouth paying attention to each and every one of them, he would need at least an entire day to get through the spots on my chest alone. I narrowed my eyes, considering his offer. “You’re supposed to be checking out the eligible bachelorette succubi. You’re really not clear on how this works, are you?”

  “Oh, I’m very clear about how this works. Most succubi will run away, although some will play the game to see if they can gain more power here. I’ll spend a great deal of time chasing my succubus around; they do like to stray. Often. Daily, really. I can’t blame them. I made them that way. Then I keep getting these defective incubi and succubi. Those are the ones who think it’s a good idea to shack up with an angel and a human.”

>   “Maybe you should shack up with a succubus who is generally inclined to shack up with an angel. They are loyal to their triad. I mean, I’m a human, and even I know that.”

  “Shapeshifters are hardly human.” The Devil stared at my wrist and the spot he’d been granted permission to admire. “Humans do not have such lovely spots.”

  “I have some freckles when human.”

  “You have my attention.”

  “I feel your brothers should have warned me you have a spot fetish.”

  “I feel I should thank them for their failure to warn you how much I intend on enjoying your spots.”

  “There is zero chance of you having anything to do with my spots until I’ve fully secured revenge on my brother’s behalf. Can’t you see I’m traumatized over what I was forced to witness here?”

  “Your sarcasm is almost as appealing as your spots,” the Devil purred.

  “Put your perverted little brain on a different track for a while there, tiger. Revenge first, family securements second, then and only then can you beg and plead for the right to count another spot.”

  “You keep telling me no, and I am utterly baffled over why I have not wiped you from existence yet. I find this to be disconcerting.”

  “You want to count my spots. If you wipe me from existence, you can’t count my spots. I really thought you were smarter than this.” I heaved a sigh. “Taking over the place might be doing your underlings a favor. Do you have a responsible adult in this place I can talk to about appropriate management practices?”

  “I am the responsible adult.”

  “Goodness. No wonder this place is a mess. I’m done with my cordial visit, and I am moving into the hostile takeover phase of my day. Show me your office, assuming you actually do any work in this place. I need to see what I have to work with.”

  “But do I get to count spots when you’ve completed your hostile takeover? Will you use the whips and cuffs?” The Devil gestured out of the bathroom in the direction of the hallway. “Will you chain me to my desk?”

  “You sound a little hopeful there.”

  “It’s been a while since a female of any species was willing to chain me to my desk,” he admitted.

  “I will chain you to your desk should you give me a nice present I will enjoy with no strings attached.”

  “My office is this way. Would you like to use silver, gold, platinum, or iron chains?”

  “That’s a dumb question. I’ll use them all.”

  I chained the Devil to his desk as requested, used the chains to make a gag, and left him there while I examined the rest of his office. Michael hadn’t been joking about the Devil’s luxuries. His computer was nothing like I expected, with a large enough screen it reminded me of a television. Rather than ask him where he’d gotten it, I ignored my jealousy, moved the keyboard within the Devil’s reach, and ordered him to tap in his password.

  He obeyed, grunting at me. As I didn’t understand grunting, I ignored him, sat in his large, comfortable chair, and explored. As promised, he had a good internet connection. With minimal poking and prodding, I discovered the Devil kept meticulous notes, and he even had a system of files and folders dedicated to his various minions. Names and descriptions of roles simplified my work, and I brought up the files of Belial, Asmodeus, and Abaddon, all three who might be useful for what I needed done. I considered their roles, eliminating Abaddon as my first choice. While he’d likely do a wonderful job of destroying my enemies, he’d likely do his best to make sure my plans were also destroyed. Wholesale destruction worked in some cases, but I needed more refinement than what he likely offered. As Asmodeus embodied wrath, I’d have a decent time convincing him to work with me.

  I had plenty of wrath to share.

  Belial, however, would accomplish my goals in such a way I could render long-term satisfaction from the assholes who’d acted against my brother for a measly five thousand dollars. According to Belial’s file, unlike the other two devils, he had a phone number. I grabbed the phone, dialed as the file directed, and listened to it ring.

  “You are not Lucifer,” a male voice growled in my ear after the second ring.

  “Oh, good. You’re not stupid. Excellent. I’ve chained your lord and master to his desk because he annoyed me. I have a job for you. I’m running the place for a little while, but if you piss me off, you get to deal with the Devil. Cooperate, and I’ll be out of your hair sooner than later. Come to his office, and wear something nice. A good suit, make sure you wear a colored tie. I’ve decided we’re going business wear until further notice, because if I have to deal with this damned joint, at least I’ll surround myself with pretty devils. Make yourself pretty, then come here. I require your advice.” I hung up, propped my feet onto the Devil’s desk, and took the time to pet my brother. “I could get used to this,” I confessed.

  The Devil, tied up to my satisfaction on his desk, sighed.

  “It’s your fault. You gave me the chains and let me do it. And since you want to count spots, you’re going to stay there and do as you’re told. Once Belial gets here, I’ll see about something to smack you with. But don’t worry. I’ll make it hurt real good for you.”

  He seemed like the type, and I needed to work out some of my frustrations.

  Belial didn’t leave me waiting long, teleporting into the office with a flash of orange light and the stench of brimstone polluting the air. Much like the Devil, the devil associated with ruin wore a pretty face to cover his nature. Heat wafted from the devil, and as directed, he wore a suit much like the Devil’s, although he’d opted for an orange tie. “How unusual. You truly chained him to his desk, and it seems you’ve made him like it.”

  To my amusement, the Devil shrugged.

  “I have what he wants, and he doesn’t get what he wants until I’m satisfied. As for the chains, I just promised him I’d ask you about something I can hit him with when he gets annoying. As he can’t get what he wants until I’ve secured revenge for this travesty, well, here I am.” I grabbed hold of my brother and held him up. “This is Jonas, and I’m very offended he has been turned into a chipmunk.”

  “He can only be changed from that form by conversion into a demon, a devil, or an angel,” Belial replied. “You do not need to take over the hells to accomplish that. A simple bargain would suffice.”

  Ha! That explained why the Devil was the only divine who might be able to help me. “You’re useful. I like that. You’re the bringer of ruin, are you not?”

  “I am.”

  “I have all the motivation in the world to do the job, but I’m uneducated in the methodology of how to best bring ruin to a mortal mafia outfit. Inconsequential to you, I’m sure, but I want to give them all a miserable invitation to here, after which I will take extensive lessons from the Devil on making certain the fucking assholes have the absolute worst stay here possible. I’m not here for easy. I’m here for satisfying, truth be told. My brother’s debt? About five thousand dollars. An utter waste for so little, really.”

  “That is a very small sum to bring so much ruin. You have my attention, little mortal.”

  “Darlene. So, what do you think?”

  Belial tilted his head to the side, and he regarded me with glowing orange eyes. “You have made many plans and fantasized long about how to assign justice to sinners.”

  I could only assume Belial dug around in my head to get the information he wanted.

  “Yes. It is a power of most devils. Nothing is secret in this domain.”

  “Well, if I cared about that, I’d be worried, but that simplifies things. Good. Were any of those ideas good?”

  “They are sufficient, and they could make for excellent ruin of your targets with the correct implementation.”

  “Good. I need something I can use to smack the Devil with. If you’d like to help plan some ruin, you can acquire excellent transformative substances that the CDC won’t be able to readily identify, as I do not have a wish to spend the rest of my life in
prison. You can bring proposals on how best to end their miserable lives on Earth before they enjoy their stay here. I’m accepting lessons on torture techniques when the idiot I’ve chained up is tired of playing tutor.”

  “Did you just call Lucifer an idiot?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Why have you not struck this creature out of existence yet?” Belial asked his master.

  The Devil shrugged.

  “He likes it, I have what he wants, and I keep refusing to give it to him. Right now, I’m the holder of the Devil’s chain, but it’s going to be business as mostly usual. I do recommend you don’t cross me.”

  Belial’s eyes glowed hotter. “Why not?”

  “The Devil’s mine, and I’m not afraid to use him.”

  “Understood.”

  “Oh, and Belial?”

  “What is it now?”

  “The Devil needs to meet some eligible bachelorettes. He probably takes all his frustrations out on you poor devils because he’s sexually repressed. Spread around to the various succubi he’s looking for a suitable bachelorette to be his queen. Just remind them that he brings a lot of power with him at the annoying price of sexual loyalty. Honestly, he’s probably so repressed she’ll have to put her life on halt for a few weeks while he gets it out of his system, but she’ll survive. I’ll do what I can to make him a little more considerate, but he’s raw material right now.”

  “Are you not an eligible bachelorette?” Belial asked, his tone curious.

  “Are you kidding? You do not want me permanently taking over this place.”

  “May heaven forbid,” the Lord of Ruin muttered.

  Seven

  Do you even know what the word chastity means?

  Belial brought me a riding crop with a black leather handle, a silvery shaft, and a rather wicked flaming leather swatter on the end. I accepted it with a grim smile and eyed the Devil, who remained on his desk, still chained as I left him. “Thank you, Belial.”