A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  I didn’t need to suggest the devil get out of my hair. He teleported away, and he didn’t bother with the brimstone theatrics. I slapped the riding crop against my leg to test it.

  It stung nicely, and flames danced across my leg before extinguishing. “Remind me to thank your brothers for this later.”

  To make it clear I meant business, I slapped the small of the Devil’s back with the crop, earning a delightful grunt out of him. “Also, remind me to thank Belial for this, too.”

  That earned me a baleful glower.

  Setting the crop in easy reach, I sat in the Devil’s chair and drummed my fingers on his desk. On a whim, I typed Lorenzo Gallo in the search box. According to the computer, there were thousands of matches, and I scowled. “Does this thing have every damned soul in it?”

  The Devil nodded.

  I stood, reached over, and pulled the chains out of his mouth. “You have earned some talky time with that. The specific Lorenzo Gallo I want to ruin. How do I find him in this thing?”

  “Type his company name in, and you will find the one you’re looking for.”

  I patted the Devil’s head. “Good boy. For being so helpful, I will permit you to admire a second spot today.”

  The Devil’s gaze locked onto one of the spots right above my cleavage.

  “That is a special spot, and you don’t get that one unless you’ve really earned it.”

  “I should get to choose the spot,” the Devil complained.

  “You should sit there, look pretty for my enjoyment, and be grateful I’m patient and will allow you to admire a second spot today.” I added the fucking asshole’s company name, and sure enough, the field narrowed to one result, and I clicked into the folder to find numerous files on Gallo, from childhood history to his adult operations. I started with his childhood, my brow raising as the file registered him as a reincarnated soul who’d done six hundred years of time in the seventh level of the Devil’s hells. “Is there anything special about the seventh level?”

  “There are numerous branches of my hells. That specific branch has nine levels. Eight and nine are devilish and demonic residencies, and they only bring special pets in with permission,” the Devil replied. “Right now, there are six fucking assholes who are staying in those two levels. The seventh level is the current deepest pit for offenders, and they do not get many breaks from their torment. It’s designed for particularly heinous souls who are unlikely to be successfully rehabilitated. Lorenzo Gallo has a history, and truth be told, that soul only leaves when there needs to be a balancing.”

  “A balancing?”

  “When there is too much good in the world, seeds of darkness must be planted to maintain the balance. The End of Days is when everything has fallen out of balance, and I will wage the final war with my heavenly father. The End of Days is a great deal of work for me, so I actively work to prevent it from happening. He does as well. It’s not precisely something either of us desires, but it will one day happen. The worlds cannot begin anew without it. The End of Days is as important as the Beginning.”

  “You mean like the story in Genesis?”

  “Precisely. Humans mangled the history of humanity, but that is to be expected. History is always rewritten by the victors to best suit their needs and purposes.”

  I frowned, reading over Lorenzo Gallo’s file, which gave me no information on what he’d done to deserve hundreds of years of torment at the Devil’s hand. What I did read, however, lit a fire under my ass. At age twelve, Lorenzo Gallo had already raped three girls. By eighteen, the Devil simply made a star notation, not bothering to count the infractions. He’d murdered plenty of people, too, but he preferred to keep his victims alive, transforming them into other forms. Most disappeared.

  Many of his victims remained alive, pets in his menagerie, which he kept in his primary residence in Maine.

  “It looks like I’m doing the Earth a favor getting rid of this asshole and his operations.”

  “It disgusts me when people do evil acts and it is ultimately an act of good. He is more likely to overlook those evils if they are for the better of everyone. That means I get fewer souls to play with, and that’s simply no good.”

  “Does that mean He might actually like me if I eliminate enough of these fucking assholes? Because if the others have files anything like this, I really am doing the entire world a favor.”

  “No. I can’t count your spots if you’re keeping my father company.”

  “Attention on work, Lucifer. You can count one spot of my choice after work.” I already knew which spot I’d pick, too. The best spot, right on the back of my neck, did an excellent job of inducing the best naps ever, and I would shamelessly use the Devil to secure an excellent nap.

  I probably deserved my long-term residency in one of his hells.

  “I hope it’s a good spot,” the Devil replied.

  “It’s one of my best spots, so behave until it’s time for you to enjoy it.”

  “I should resent how easily you’re controlling me, but you have so many spots I haven’t met yet, and I want to possess them all.”

  “You need to teach your succubi how easily you can be manipulated through the careful rationing of spots.”

  “None of my succubi take the feline approach for some reason. It’s like they fear I’ll keep them permanently or something. Also? Recruiting Belial was ruthless, and I haven’t been so turned on by an act of evil in centuries. Bringing him into this? An act of pure evil, Miss Darlene.”

  “I don’t have enough time to look into all of your minions, and adding some ruin to go with my revenge seemed like a good idea. What is he going to do about you being chained to your desk?”

  “He will tell everyone, of course.”

  “So, all of your various residents now know the place has new management?”

  “That is a reasonable assumption.”

  “Excellent. Hey, Lucifer?”

  “Yes?”

  “Is it possible to have a dress that shows off my assets while giving me plenty of places to hide weapons? I’m going to need a weapon if I’m going to take out Lorenzo Gallo at this meeting. I might need a chastity belt that’s magically sealed, too.”

  “I can offer you something better than a chastity belt.”

  “You can? Do you even know what the word chastity means?”

  “Unfortunately. It is a very foul word, and I loathe how much it’s been used today.”

  I laughed. “You’ll survive.”

  “I’m not sure I will survive if you decide to wear a chastity belt for any period of time. After all, I have to sufficiently reward you for permitting me to count your beautiful spots. I cannot do that should you be wearing a chastity belt. Unless I’m allowed to destroy the belt during your reward. I would enjoy that greatly.”

  I needed to talk to the Devil’s brothers about the situation, as I worried managing over so many fucking assholes had warped their fallen brother. “You’re still only getting one more spot today.”

  “I feel we should negotiate for a third spot today. I could be useful to you. I will prove my usefulness to you in exchange for access to a third spot.”

  One spot, two spots, three spots… what was an extra spot or two if he helped me accomplish my goals without putting up too much of a fight? I had plenty more spots, and exposing three of them to the Devil wouldn’t do any harm. “I will listen to your proposal.”

  “I will compile a list of all those who were directly involved with your brother’s current state, a list of their crimes the police have been unable to prove, provide the evidence required for the police to take action, and I will direct Belial to give you a rather potent substance suitable for your revenge. I will do this in the next twenty-four hours, after I have had sufficient time to explore both spots. There are many substances that would work, and he might make some… unfortunate… choices. In exchange, you will allow me to pay attention to a third spot of your choice today. I will need at least an hour pe
r spot, but I will limit my attentions to two hours per spot.”

  If the Devil paid that much attention to a singular spot, I’d enjoy a very good nap. “I like that you acknowledge I will be the one selecting the spots you can investigate.”

  “I am a being of great wisdom.”

  “Don’t you mean great naughtiness?” I muttered.

  “Well, yes. But for today, I am a being of great wisdom, and I really want to explore your spots.”

  “You will escort me back to my house with my brother before you get to explore my spots, and you will bring me the information and evidence I need within the twenty-four hour period. If you get something particularly juicy for me, I might allow you to make a secondary exploration of one of my spots as a reward for good behavior.”

  “As I cannot have my precious spots at risk, I will establish wards around your home. Until I have conquered every spot, I cannot have interlopers interfering.”

  If the Devil wanted to act as my home security, I wouldn’t stop him. “I will be utterly distraught should my brother come to harm, and when I am distraught, it’s obvious I would be in no state to want any man enjoying my spots.”

  “Obviously, I should put you in charge of negotiations. You are wicked.”

  “If I’m going to be making my residency here, at least I’ll earn it.”

  “Oh, you will,” the Devil promised.

  Several hours into my research project using the Devil’s computer and entertaining myself with random swats of my chained prisoner, Michael and Gabriel teleported into the office.

  Both archangels laughed at their fallen brother.

  “He talked me into sharing three of my spots with him, but he’s saving me a great deal of work, so I thought it was worth indulging him. He’s like a child. If you give him a taste of candy, he’ll do what you want in hopes of another piece. However, I’m concerned his time spent here dealing with fucking assholes has slightly warped him.”

  “You chained him to his desk,” Michael observed. “I do not think anyone has done that before.”

  “Well, if he didn’t want to be chained to his desk, he wouldn’t have provided me with the chains.”

  “While this is true, it is a little unnerving to witness my brother chained in such a fashion.”

  “Don’t worry about him. He likes it. If he gets sad, I hit him with the riding crop Belial gave me. That perks him up for a while before he gets whiny again.”

  “That riding crop is rather hellish. In fact, it is rather painful to be hit with.”

  “I tested it against my leg before I went to town on your brother. He’ll survive. It doesn’t sting for that long. If that little pain is too much for him, he needs some time in the dungeon for a refresher on what painful actually is.”

  Despite their lack of heads, I felt the archangels staring at me.

  “When I take her to her home, I get to count two new spots. As she would set limits if I didn’t set them, I had to negotiate for only two hours per spot. Under most circumstances, I would blind you for looking upon her, but are her spots not beautiful?”

  Gabriel chuckled, and it amazed me the archangel’s amusement could brighten even the Devil’s many hells. “She is a stunning creature. It is as though He is aware of your every failing and triumph and put such a woman on the sweet Earth for you to enjoy. Assuming, of course, you can convince her to allow you to enjoy her company. I do not hold much hope for you.”

  I snickered. “I told Belial to start spreading word the eligible bachelorettes need to work their magic on him. That much repressed sexuality can’t be good for his health. I mean, he’s been brought low by three spots. If he realizes how many spots I have, he might swoon.”

  “I do not swoon.”

  “Men who do not swoon do not get the extra special spots.”

  The Devil stilled. “There are extra special spots? What makes a spot extra special?”

  “Location, location, location.” I picked up the riding crop and slapped the Devil’s hand with it, and he yelped. “I am almost done with my preliminary research, so your twenty-four hours to gather the information I need will begin when you start exploring the second spot you’ve earned, so you better manage your time properly.”

  “Ruthless,” the Devil complained. “You brought a truly ruthless creature to my domain. She’s taken it over without remorse, too. She ordered Belial to come in here dressed in a suit and looking pretty for her, and he obeyed. I’ve never been so turned on in my life.”

  “We do not need to know anything about your current restless state,” Gabriel replied with zero evidence of sympathy. “Belial is wise and recognizes when someone is in a position to ruin him, and he does not wish to test her willingness to bring ruin into his domain. She is a predator, and she has made no effort to hide her predatory ways. She is a very determined predator at this moment.”

  “How much help did you give her for this scheme? She did not even flinch with both of us in here giving her our full regard.”

  “We did not handle that matter. He did. You will have to put thought into your situation. His blessing will not last forever.”

  The Devil grunted. “Meddlesome.”

  “I’m sure He will have a favor to ask of you soon enough, probably in the form of expanding our numbers.”

  “Wait. I thought the hosts were fixed. That the armies of the heavens and the hells always had the same number.”

  “Not precisely. They are balanced,” Michael replied. “As such, the heavens and the many hells have a balanced number. My brother has only so many devils and demons, and the heavenly host have only so many angels and archangels. When an angel falls, for example, the balance of power shifts in my brother’s favor, and the angelic seed must be reclaimed and replanted before the End of Days comes prematurely. When demons or devils perish, my brother must claim those seeds, although he sometimes opts to leave them as seeds for a while, permitting the scales to shift in the favor of the heavens for a while. It is a delicate balance. When there is great evil in the world, my brother tends to leave his claimed seeds unplanted, because that maintains the balance. It is part of what he is. While He keeps a close eye on the balance of things, it is actually our brother who does the most work. In many ways, view my brother as a great gift from the heavens for all he earned his fall.”

  “It is truly disgusting,” the Devil muttered. “I am the consequence of free will. I am the symptom of free will. Without free will, I would not exist. I am also the price of free will. Before my fall, there was only a set fate and destiny. There was no sin, for there wasn’t the freedom to sin. I was given the freedom to sin, which is perhaps the greatest of gifts humanity could ever receive. But that freedom comes with consequences.” The Devil shrugged. “I’d wave my hand, but it seems I’m facing certain restraints right now.”

  I ignored the Devil’s antics and said, “People like me exist. Like my brother. Like Lorenzo Gallo. But on the other hand, people like my father exist, and so do people like my mother.”

  “That is correct,” Gabriel confirmed. “Humans are free willed creatures, and they can choose to make themselves into anything they wish.”

  I pointed at the Devil. “He claims He tends to be more forgiving towards those who do great evil for the greater good. Is that true?”

  “You could do the greatest of evils doing an even greater good, and you would still find your way into our brother’s many hells. Only some sins He does not forgive, like rape,” Michael replied, coming around the Devil’s desk and patting my shoulder. “It would be hard for you to run the place if you did not come here often.”

  I laughed at that despite my awareness I’d be on the naughty list. “That is true.”

  “My brother would chase you to the heavens and get himself into even more trouble should He allow you to step foot there. Do you truly believe merely three of your spots would satisfy our brother?”

  “Hey, I’m considering allowing him to recount a spot or two. I’m no
t totally cruel.”

  “That definitely would not satisfy him, knowing there are many more spots for him to explore.” Michael laughed, and he caught my hand in his, pulling my arm up to show off my spots. He touched my elbow. “You have seventeen spots on this elbow alone for him to admire, and he will resent I have touched a spot he has not yet enjoyed, for he is a selfish and jealous creature.”

  That he was. I twisted my arm for a view of my elbow, straining to count the spots, amused over how many tiny spots were on such a small surface. “I’ve never really noticed there were so many tiny spots there before.”

  “Have you had a need to count how many spots were on your elbow before now?”

  “Well, no. I guess not. I see I will have to do a complete spot count to be aware of how much bribe material I have in my hands. I’ve gotten him busting his ass to earn the three he’s getting as it is. To be fair, one of those spots is my favorite. It’s perfect.”

  “It really is perfect,” the Devil agreed. “I don’t want to fight you over her spots, Michael.”

  “I have no interest in forming a triad with her, no offense intended to you, Darlene.”

  “Michael, you ruin that perfect chest with no nipples. We would fight for my entire lifespan over your lack of nipples. It would not work out. Meeting you taught me a very important lesson: my men need nipples. My men also need other important parts.”

  “Indeed. You are free to be told no by her for however long you wish, my brother. We will enjoy witnessing your rejection.”

  “She’s already trying to sell me off to a succubus. She’s also made some suggestions about how I might keep one around, and why I have terrible luck keeping them around. My lack of guest bedrooms is only the start of my problems, if she is to be believed.”

  “She is to be believed. You have plenty of empty rooms. Convert some into guest bedrooms. I recommend you give her the garden as her personal domain. A comfortable bed, a private bathroom for her use, and some moderate renovations would appeal to her. She is, after all, a feline. You will want to make a room suitable for a snow leopard as well. She becomes quite saddened when she cannot go play in the snow.”