Finding Me (Pack Bardot Book 2)

by M. K. Harper

“What are you doing?!” I’m on my feet, shaking the door to my own confines a second later. He continues to drag Minnie out, her already weak body not able to put up much more of a fight.

  “Stop! Take me, asshole.” I plead, my throat feeling raw from days with hardly any water. “Leave her be, you piece of shit!” Another man takes Minnie from Christian, and he and Allana exit without another word. The entire time, Minnie’s cries fill the quiet, imbedding themselves into my memory for the rest of time.

  “I told you I was going to break you, Kitten.” Christian stares down at me from where I’ve collapsed on the dirt floor. He kneels down so that I can’t miss the pure hate pouring off of him. You could be blind and still feel it. “You see, I’m gonna break you mentally first. Everything that happens to poor Minnie, is on you. Remember that when we dump her back here once we’re finished.” My piercing cry is all I can hear as Christian walks away. I hug my knees and rock back and forth, my entire body shaking uncontrollably. I don’t know how to live with what they’re doing. I can’t give myself to him, but I don’t know if I’ll survive them torturing Minnie, knowing I have the ability to stop it if I’d just bond with Christian. There’s no win here, only loss. With that thought, I fold over and scream, the dirt mixing with my tears and heartbreak.

  So, yeah. I think it’s safe to say that sometimes, death would be kinder than having to live in a constant state of grief and regret. And I highly fucking doubt that I’ll feel stronger for having lived through this, especially if I do, and Minnie doesn’t.

  Chapter 4

  Daxton

  Four fucking days.

  It’s been four days since I woke up to a life without Linny. And I must say, this existence is excruciating. I’m not even sure you could call it living. I wake up, not that I actually sleep worth a shit, and wait for Lex to come back with any news that could point us in the right direction. Every day that I’m met with the sad shake of her head, makes me downright murderous. I’m starting to become impatient, not really caring one way or another if we go in blind or not. I need my girl. I need her so goddamn bad it physically hurts. I want to wrap her in my arms and bury my face against her neck. I want to inhale her sweet, honeysuckle scent that reminds me of sunshine, and live there forever. Every second that ticks by feels like a lifetime.

  I may be the farthest gone, but no one else is coping any better than I am. Grace looks a little more despondent each day and Chevy grows a little more lost. Ma is the only one who’s semi holding it together, but I think that’s just a front for Caulder. My little dude hasn’t come out of his room unless he’s absolutely had to. I can’t even get him to look me in the eye. I know he blames me. Fuck, I blame myself. But to know that you’ve disappointed a six year old? It hits harder than you’d think. Pop hasn’t fully woken up either, just some incoherent mumbling every so often. One more thing for us all to worry about. The pack doctor has been by daily and assures us that he’ll pull through just fine, his body just needs time. I think we’re all growing a bit impatient, though. Time is something I have no desire to give right now. I need my dad more than ever. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, trying to lead this pack. I keep second guessing myself at every turn. Should I be doing more? Fuck, maybe I should just go at it solo and avoid risking the pack. I need him to point me in the right direction because I’m at a loss.

  “Dax?” Lana’s timid voice calls out, interrupting my quiet from where I’m sitting on the back steps of the house. I came out here to be alone, but it looks like I’ve failed at that. I take a sip of my now cold coffee, not bothering to respond. For some inane reason, she takes that as a sign that she should sit and engage in conversation.

  “How are you?” That’s gotta be the dumbest question I’ve ever heard. Let’s see, my mate has been kidnapped by a pack of raving lunatics. Days have passed with God only knows what happening to her, and we’re still no closer to bringing her home. That about sums it up. Yet again, I choose silence, too afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I dare open it.

  “Look, I get how much you’re hurting, but have you considered the possibility that Linden is beyond saving at this point? I mean, we all know what goes on over there. Pack Ames didn’t take her to treat her to the finer things in life. Maybe we should just start planning a memorial? You need closure, Dax.” Lana’s hand reaches out to rest against my back but I jerk away so forcefully, the cold, still full coffee spills all over the place.

  “What did you just say?” My voice is so full of vitriol, even I don’t recognize it. “It’s been four fucking days, Lana. FOUR! It wouldn’t matter if it’s been a year or ten, I’ll never give up on finding her. He took her because he wants her. I’m not stupid enough to think that he isn’t going to try and force her hand, by whatever means necessary, but I don’t for a second think he plans to kill her anytime soon. She’s mine, and I’ll tear apart the entire goddamn town to get her back. Whatever agenda you have here, it isn’t going to work. Stay the fuck away from me.” With that, I leave her, mouth agape and thoroughly shocked. She’s done nothing but try and drive a wedge between Linny and I since the very beginning. All those moments that seemed like petty jealousy now feel like something more. My thoughts are taking a dark turn, but now that the idea has been planted, I can’t shake it. I won’t say anything until I know for sure, but I’ll find the answers to these questions I have one way or another. Little pieces are starting to click together, and I won’t brush them off so easily.

  I’ve just set my mug in the sink, lost in thought about what else we could be doing to move things along, when Caulder walks in the kitchen. His normally bright blue eyes are dull and lifeless. He pulls a juice box from the refrigerator and climbs onto one of the barstools across from me. For a moment, we just stare at one another. I don’t know what to say to him, and I think he’s doing his best not to scream at me. He shakes his head and clambers down, heading back to the safety of his room where he can shut out the world and pretend none of this is happening. I wish I could do the same.

  “Caulder,” my voice is chocked full of emotion. When his eyes meet mine, I say the only thing I know to say. “I’m trying, kid.”

  “Try harder.” And then he’s gone. I know he’s hurting, but I’m so lost in my own pain that I don’t know how to be there for him too. I’m barely fucking breathing as it is. I slink to the floor and rest my head against the cabinets. I don’t know how much time has passed when Ma’s voice grabs my attention. I can’t remember falling asleep, but I guess my exhausted body is finally starting to shut down on me.

  “Daxton, wake up. Your father’s finally alert enough to hold a conversation.” I’m awake instantly, rushing towards their room.

  “Pop?” I push the door open, damn near on the verge of tears when I see that his eyes are open. I hug him the best I can, trying to avoid causing him any pain.

  “Oh, quit it, boy. It’s just a little tickle in my back. You ain’t gotta look so worried.” And there’s the ornery fuck I grew up with. I let out a relieved breath, seeing not much has changed. That alone lets me know the resilient bastard is gonna be just fine.

  “Itty Bitty?” I can see him visibly swallow, dreading the answer I’m fairly certain he already knows. I shake my head.

  “Nothing yet. Lex has been scouting their border, hoping to come across a few of theirs and pick up any information that might help us. So far, she hasn’t seen anyone. I’m trying real hard to be patient, Pop, but I’m about to go get her. Consequences be damned.” His eyes close tightly. When they reopen, they’re shimmering with repressed emotion. Carder Bardot keeps a tight lock on his feelings. The small amount I’m seeing now is a shock, but I’m also not surprised it’s Linny that’s evoked them.

  “Even if those consequences end up being my girl’s life?” Here we go again with the ‘my girl’ shit. But he’s right. If I so much as got her hurt because I jumped the gun, I’d never be able to forgive myself. Maybe someone just needs to tranq my ass before I completely
lose my shit and do something stupid. Cause I don’t know how many more days I can take of no progress.

  “How long has it been?” Pop asks, his voice scratchy from disuse. Ma comes forward with a glass of water, having been silently listening from the doorway.

  “Four,” I answer. Pop makes a pained sound.

  “Goddamnit,” he mirrors my thoughts.

  “Listen, I can’t prove anything. So, don’t go off all half-cocked, Daxton, like some sort of shitty version of Deadpool trying to exact your own justice.” I stare blankly at him, completely unamused by his jabs. I wave a hand at him to continue. “Right before shit went sideways, Barron said something that had my hackles risin’. He mentioned the party being a bore but maybe it would liven up shortly. Not even a minute later, Pack Ames stormed the placed and flipped on spotlights. That’s the only reason they got the upper hand to start with.” I have to sit. Dropping into the closest chair, I hang my head and try to absorb what Pop’s just implied. Honestly, I’m not even surprised. Just a little bit ago I’d started having my own suspicions about Lana. The two might be totally unrelated, but my gut tells me they aren’t.

  The McGinty’s are status climbers. They don’t care who they have to trample in the process, as long as it gets them one step closer to the top. I’m not sure what top they’re trying to reach, but they’ve gone too far this time if they are behind this.

  “I’m pretty sure Lana is involved also. She’s targeted Linny from the first day she laid eyes on her. If they’ve played any part in this, there’s gonna be hell to pay.” I can barely suppress the rage I’m feeling.

  “Calm down, killer. Let’s worry ‘bout gettin’ my girl back first, then we’ll deal with those snakes.”

  “Call her your girl one more time, old man, and I’m gonna rip your catheter right out.” I lean forward, growling at my own father. I swear he says this shit just to rile me up, and fuck if it doesn’t work.

  “Y’all stuck somethin’ up my willy?!” Pop bellows, loud enough for the whole house to hear.

  “Oh, hush it, Carder. Would you have rather pissed yourself for four days?” Ma raises an eyebrow at him in question just as Caulder pads into the room.

  “Bear?”

  “Hey, butterbean. Come on over here and give me some love.” Caulder shyly eases onto the bed, avoiding me at all cost. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

  “Are you gonna go get Lindy back for me now that you’re all better?” That sweet voice rattles me. For the second time today, Pop’s eyes well up with tears.

  “Uncle D is working as fast as he can, buddy. We’re gonna get her back, it’s just taking a bit longer than we thought it would.”

  “But I need her now, Bear! Part of my soul is missing and it just feels all wrong inside. I want her back.” When Caulder’s tiny body starts shaking from the force of his sobs, I have to step out of the room. That kid has been through too much in his six short years. We don’t know what exactly he remembers of his father, but we know he remembers something based on his aversion to people in general, especially strangers. We’ve never been able to get him to talk about it, but it’s not hard to figure out that whatever happened to him has left a lasting mark. He’s smart enough to deduce that the same, or worse, could be happening to Linny right now. With that thought, I sprint to the bathroom and lose the little food I’d manage to stomach so far today.

  Chapter 5

  Linden

  I beat against the chain link walls of my cage for hours, hoping to piss them off enough that they’ll bring Minnie back and take me instead. But no such luck. The only thing I’ve accomplished is draining what little strength I did have down to nothing and making my hands ache. At some point, I finally pass out, only to be awoken by that dreaded screech of the steel door sliding across the concrete floor. I’m alert instantly, watching in complete horror as they drag Minnie back into her makeshift cell. Her vacant eyes meet mine for the briefest moment, long enough for rage like I’ve never known to well up inside of me. In that moment, I swear to whatever god there may be, that I will burn this shit hole to the fucking ground. The two men who dump her without a backwards glance are strangers, lackeys I’ve never seen before.

  “Minnie?” I crouch down once they’ve left, trying to get her attention. “Say something. Please.” Right now, she’s reminding too much of those other women in here. Lost to the darkness with no hope left. It’s suddenly dire for me to hear her voice. That melodic tone that reminds me so much of her son’s.

  “Goddamnit, Minnie! Open your damn mouth and speak! Remember what I said? We’re both getting out of this. You don’t get to throw in the towel now, not after you’ve held on for so long.” Nothing. Not a peep from her. The silence nearly does me in. I’d rather have her scream at me than say nothing at all; even if her words were no more than her blaming me for whatever happened to her during the time she’s been gone. I’d take that any day over this heavy quiet that I’m left to fill with only my imagination. My mind is coming up with all sorts of sordid things, knowing good and well that whatever she’s endured has officially tipped her over the edge. It’s like she’s already checked out.

  Is this my penance? Some sort of fucked up repayment for all the times I escaped my father’s words and fists?

  So many times, I’ve been the bystander, watching brokenly from the sideline as the person I cared about shouldered the pain that was meant for me. I’m so sick of this game. Mom’s sacrifice was purposeful. She wanted to stand in for me, even though I’d beg her not to. That’s the love of a mother, though. Much like Minnie chose to hand her life over in exchange for Caulder’s. But this? She didn’t offer herself up as some martyr for me, she’s simply being used as a pawn to bend and break me. I know I didn’t ask for this, to be benched when the stakes are so high. I’m just as much a piece of this twisted game as she is, a toy for them to toss around, testing its durability.

  Shuffling around until I’m facing Minnie, I lean back against the metal links and lock my eyes with hers. For hours, or maybe it’s only minutes, my eyes don’t stray. I stare intently at her, looking for any sign of life or fight left in there. I don’t want to do this alone. I can’t. Days ago, I was a happy, semi-well adjusted, almost eighteen-year-old. I’m no stranger to living in the darkness. I did it for years. But we’d finally found peace. Happiness. To have it taken away so soon is just cruel. Did I not deserve an adjustment period before shit had to hit the fan again? My poor mom is probably well on her way to an involuntary psyche hold. I’m sure Chev isn’t far behind. I know I’d be an absolute wreck if the roles were reversed.

  “Are you there, God? It’s me, Linden.” Taking a page from Judy Blume, I accept that I’ve truly hit rock bottom. “I’m waving my white flag.” I wiggle my fingers in the air, my proverbial ceasefire taking more energy than I can afford to give. “I must have truly pissed you off in a past life, big guy. But maybe this is a step too far? I can’t believe you’d let me get taken out while still a virgin. Like, message fucking received. Seriously, I just want to go home.” My last words are barely more than a whisper. A lone tear makes a slow descent down my cheek. I’m surprised there’s any left for me to shed considering how dehydrated I must be. Home. Dax is home. I need him so bad that I physically ache. It’s a shock not to see a gaping hole in my chest based on the pain that’s radiating from it. Hurt like this should leave evidence. It seems impossible that this kind of agony is invisible.

  “A-Man to the Jesus-Man.” I sign off just like my Little Tyrant would, the faintest smile tipping my lips at the thought of him. A flicker of something flashes through Minnie’s eyes. I doubt I would have caught it if I hadn’t still been staring at her like a first-class creep.

  “That’s what Caulder always says when Beatrix makes him say grace.” I start to talk, hoping that if nothing else, hearing something about her son will snap her out of it.

  “That’s because I taught him to do it,” the saddest smile cracks through her blank facade.
“He’s done it since he was two.” Those blue eyes, identical to our boy’s, are still vacant. Zero sign of life. I think Minnie has truly reached her point of no return. Just as I’m gearing up for the pep talk of my fucking life, that terrifying screech permeates through the air. The sound is like a caress from the Devil himself. Minnie’s eyes widen, clarity finally penetrating through the fog she’d been lost in. Scrambling across the floor, she pushes herself against the barrier separating us. The abject fear wafting off of her is palpable. I move closer, sensing she needs me to.

  “You fight, Linden. Do you hear me? I don’t care what it takes, you do whatever‘s necessary to make it back to Caulder. I need you to love him enough for the both of us, and when the time is right, you tell him that I didn’t abandon him. That I loved him so much I had to leave. Please don’t let him think I never wanted him.” Her desperation scares me. The words rushing out so fast, like she doesn’t think she’ll get another chance to tell me everything she has to say.

  “Shhh,” I try to placate her. “I won’t need to, because we’re both gonna get out of here and then you can tell him all of that yourself.” That promise sounds so hollow now. I’m not sure I even believe it anymore. Her hand wraps around mine as she quickly lifts her shirt. Tucked in the band of her dirty, too big pants, is a broken shard of glass. Tiny cuts mar her stomach from where it’s been digging into her skin this whole time. Minnie deftly pulls it and pushes it through the fencing. Our eyes lock and something crucial passes between us. Before I can protest whatever she’s thinking I should do with this makeshift weapon, the sound of boots thudding our way steals any time we had left.

  “Whatever’s necessary,” she whispers as we break apart.

  With my heart thundering in my chest, I shove the piece of glass around my back and into the band of my leather skirt, hoping like hell my top hides it. Minnie and I are both standing by the time Christian finally comes into sight. Our backs are pressed against the back wall of our cages, both of us bracing for whatever fresh hell is about to go down. I feel like a cornered animal. Terrified and pissed off all at once.