My Cousin is a Time Traveller

by David Solomons

  Arthur must have changed them. That was a relief. At least something had remained secret.

  I was happy to see that the tree house was just as I’d left it. This was my sanctuary, though I didn’t do much reflection in here, just mission planning, the odd brunch and a lot of comic reading. There was a stack of them in the corner. On top of the pile lay a book I didn’t recognise. It had a shiny blue cover with yellow lettering, a red drop-shadow and the page edges sprayed bright yellow. The corners were curled up, well thumbed from rereading – this book clearly meant a lot to someone. In that moment something told me it must be my book.

  And I saw the title that Arthur had chosen.

  The second occasion I travelled in time took place one week later. I had to wait for Dina to recover her power, and in the intervening days several things happened.

  I discovered that following the publication of my book and certain information contained within its pages becoming known, Christopher Talbot (whose name Arthur Veezat had purposely left unchanged) had been arrested for committing a range of historic crimes, including kidnapping of a minor, theft of superpowers, conspiring with an alien race to take over the Earth, and numerous local planning violations. He was sentenced to an unspecified term of imprisonment at a secret supervillain prison, which I was convinced must be an orbiting space jail, but which Serge reckoned was more likely to be an undersea detention centre deep within the Mariana trench, patrolled by megalodon sharks. The weirdest part was that just before he was taken away, Serge, Lara and I visited him and he couldn’t have been happier. Trembling with excitement he showed us all the newspaper headlines that described him as the greatest supervillain in the world. Finally, he’d got what he wanted.

  After the Billy Dark concert Zack and Cara did not start dating. Dina said that was OK, and that they had taken the first step and the future was safe in their hands. That same afternoon we had a S.C.A.R.F. meeting to discuss our future. As well as covering all our usual tasks – extra-terrestrial invasion, interdimensional attack, etc. – we offered to help Dina with her time-travel adventures. We gathered in the tree house to make our offer, which she readily accepted, having seen how capably we’d dealt with Servatron and Christopher Talbot.

  “We will have to alter our name to reflect this new aspect,” said Serge. “The Superhero Covert Alliance Reaction Force does not adequately express our new mission.”

  “You don’t have to do that for me, really,” said Dina.

  “Zack’s going to be away at his new school,” said Lara.

  “He’ll help us out when he can,” I said. “Kind of like a guest star.”

  Lara nodded. “But our focus will mostly be on supporting you.”

  Serge snapped his fingers. “I have it! We will be S.C.A.R.F. Mainly Involving Time Travel Expeditions Now.”

  “M.I.T.T.E.N.?”

  As we debated the new name, I looked round at my friends. It wasn’t just Zack I’d written mushy stuff about in my book. Sometimes, in the middle of a battle with a living Top Trump monster, or when things looked bleak aboard a plummeting water-park spaceship, I had been overwhelmed with feelings for Serge and Lara. I’d tried to express that on the page, but it’s hard to put emotions into words. Turns out that superpowers are easy, but love is tricky. I’d done my best. I knew that my friends had read the book and must have seen those passages, but thankfully they had the courtesy not to mention them. However, they now insisted on a group hug every time we concluded a meeting. I didn’t mind. Much.

  With the new name still up for debate, Serge and Lara left the tree house together. Dina followed them, but not before she let me know that tomorrow, definitely, would be the day for our next time-travel jaunt.

  I stayed behind to catch up on my comic reading. I didn’t notice how late it had got until I heard someone clamber up the rope ladder and looked out to see that it was dark.

  “Hey, Luke.”

  It was Zack. He sat down on the edge of the tree-house deck and beckoned me to join him. We perched together swinging our legs out over the garden. In the darkness the kitchen lights blazed and through the window I could see Mum and Dad. They were preparing dinner and dancing, which wasn’t helping the effectiveness of either pursuit. But at least they were happy.

  “Dinner’ll be ready soon,” I said. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

  Mum had instigated a vegan night and I was fascinated to see what she’d come up with.

  “Really?” said Zack. “You know what vegan means, right?”

  “It means she’s preparing a menu inspired by Vega, the fifth-brightest star in the night sky.”

  Zack laughed. “You’re something else, y’know that?”

  The sky was broken with cloud, and stars were visible through the gaps. I waited for one to drift across and was able to pick out Vega’s luminous form. “Some astronomers say it’s the second most important star in our sky after the Sun.”

  Zack nudged me. “So, the Sun’s little brother.”

  I was about to object that his statement was astronomically incorrect when a beam of light pierced the darkness, rising up from the roof of the Civic Centre to land squarely on the underside of a cloud, projecting the letters SL on to its surface.

  Zack leapt up.

  “Someone needs you,” I said.

  He looked at me for what felt like a long time. “I know.”

  I thumbed behind me through the open doorway. “Your spare mask and cape are in there, behind the false wall.”

  He took a step past me and then paused. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

  We were no longer talking about tonight. He was still going to his new school, starting next month. Changing the past hadn’t altered that. Although, at least this time he was going with all of his superpowers intact. I really didn’t want him to leave. “Promise?”

  He leaned down and kissed the top of my head, whispering, “Promise.”

  Thirty seconds later he was in costume and arrowing into the darkness. “I’ll save you some Vega vindaloo,” I called after him, but if he heard he didn’t seem excited at the prospect.

  (In the end I needn’t have worried about being separated from Zack for long, as his new school turned out not to be quite what it seemed. Let’s just say it involved a fiendish trap for my brother, a maths-based supervillain and a nail-biting race to the rescue by S.C.A.R.F. But that’s another story.)

  I stood on the deck and watched him fly off into the night, then went back inside the tree house. I sat for a while on my own, flicking through the latest issue of Booster Gold and enjoying the peace and quiet. Not long after I’d started, I heard Dad calling me in for dinner. They’d read the book too, not that they had any idea the author was their son. At first Dad was shocked to discover that his deputy manager, Christopher Talbot, was in fact a supervillain. But shock had turned to delight when the resultant publicity gave the shop yet another boost. Thankfully, since Arthur Veezat had changed our names and a handful of other crucial details, neither Mum nor Dad would be able to work out the truth about me or Zack.

  I put aside the comic and was about to leave the tree house when I heard a noise.

  Bloop-woosh!

  I jumped up in surprise, knowing what – or rather who – was about to happen.

  As expected a moment later the voices of the invisible cosmic choir sang out, the bridge of light extended into the tree house and there stood Zorbon the Decider, resplendent in his purple jumpsuit and golden boots. His domed head shone with the light of a distant sun.

  “Zack’s not here,” I said apologetically. “You just missed him.”

  “IT IS NOT ZACK I HAVE COME FOR.”

  “Oh?”

  “THE HIGH COUNCIL OF FRODAX WONTHREEN RRR’N’FARGH HAS BEEN OBSERVING YOU.”

  I knew he meant it as a sort of wondrous thing, but to be honest it sounded a bit creepy. “What, all the time?”

  “NOT ALL THE TIME. NO.”

  “In the toilet?”


  “NOT IN THE TOILET.” He sighed in capital letters. “YOU HAVE DONE WELL, LUKE PARKER OF EARTH. THE COUNCIL HAS DECIDED TO PRESENT YOU WITH ITS HIGHEST HONOUR.”

  Could this be it? I hardly dared hope.

  “YOU HAVE WALKED THE PATH OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. STOOD UPON THE ROCK OF BRAVERY. STEPPED INTO THE LAKE OF FEAR.”

  He held out his hands and I braced myself.

  “MARCHED INTO THE CAVE OF DREAD. TIPTOED THROUGH THE TULIPS OF DOOM.”

  The air above his open palms shimmered. A shape was taking form. I couldn’t make out what it was until it solidified there.

  I had to look twice, just to be sure.

  Zorbon was holding what appeared to be a pair of plain black patent school shoes. I turned my gaze from the shoes to his enigmatic face. “Uhh?”

  “I KNOW. IT IS OVERWHELMING.” He pressed them into my hands. “AND NOW I MUST LEAVE YOU.”

  The way he said it made me think this wasn’t a see-you-later. I clutched the shoes to my chest. “You’re not coming back, are you?”

  “I WILL NOT RETURN HERE.”

  I felt a lump rise in my throat. “It’s not fair. You’re leaving and so is Zack.” I was upset and confused. “But he’s still Star Lad. If you’re not here, who’s going to hand out the dire prophecies and last-gasp missions?”

  “ANOTHER WILL COME IN MY PLACE.”

  “I don’t want another. I want the same. I want you.”

  “HIS NAME IS ZARDON THE DELIBERATOR.”

  “He sounds a lot like you.”

  “HE IS NOT SO DECISIVE.”

  I was confused. “I thought that was the whole point of the job.”

  Zorbon shrugged. “HE IS MY YOUNGER BROTHER.”

  I’d never considered that Zorbon might have a family. But then, why not? After a long day out in the universe Deciding what could be better than a home-cooked meal and a hotly contested game of Kerplunk?

  “I THINK YOU TWO WILL GET ALONG.” Zorbon lifted his hand and gave a three-fingered salute. “FAREWELL, LUKE PARKER OF EARTH.” The invisible choir lifted their voices and—

  “Wait!” I cried out.

  The choir stopped singing, but not all at the same time, so there was a sudden jumble of jarring voices and I was sure I heard one of them complain.

  “I have something for you too,” I said, grabbing the worn copy of my book off the comic pile and handing it to him.

  He stared at it for a while.

  “You’re in it,” I said, which he probably knew already. I wondered if he could ever fully enjoy reading a book, since he always seemed to know how things would end.

  “THANK YOU,” he said at last. “I WILL PUT IT ON MY TO-BE-READ PILE.”

  And then it really was time for farewell.

  “Goodbye, Zorbon.”

  The choir cranked up again, their voices attaining the sort of heavenly sound that would make an angel snap her harp in two, and the light-bridge retracted, taking Zorbon the Decider from the tree house for the very last time.

  It wasn’t like the first time I’d travelled the Photonic Network with Dina. On this occasion I was on no urgent mission to save the world. However, this time something had gone wrong. Somewhere between the digits on Dina’s watch starting to turn and the big white light, I had felt her hands slip out of mine. I found myself tumbling alone through space and time, until I’d been hurled out of the network to land with a jarring crash, here in the middle of some kind of scratchy bush. In comics when people time travel and it goes wrong they only ever end up in one of two places. It’s either the future, which is always a wasteland ruled over by radiation-scarred mutants. Or it’s the time of dinosaurs. Something rustled in the bush and nosed its way towards my hiding place through the thick foliage. I shrank back as I imagined the velociraptor sniffing around me. First, I saw one livid green eye and then a head, followed by the rest of its body.

  Its furry, little body.

  “Miaow.” The cat peered up at me and then arched its back invitingly. I gave it a scratch. I was fairly certain that they didn’t have cats in the late Cretaceous period, and what’s more, this cat looked familiar. If I wasn’t mistaken it belonged to Mrs Wilson, our next-door neighbour. Which meant I was exactly where I’d hoped to be.

  I stood up to make sure.

  I was home. In my own back garden. There was my house on the other side of the small patch of lawn. There was my dad’s shed, where he committed crimes against DIY. And there was my tree house. I emerged from the bush and moved closer, positioning myself directly beneath the rope ladder, standing between it and the wide trunk of the tree. I could hear Zack’s voice coming from inside.

  “Then go, I’m not stopping you.”

  A moment later a head appeared in the doorway above me.

  My head.

  I pressed myself back against the tree trunk, trusting he wouldn’t be able to see me in its shadow. I hadn’t told Dina the truth. I’d said I wanted to visit Bromley in the time of the druids. I knew if I’d said I wanted to go back to this moment, she would never have agreed to take me. It was risky, but I’d let go of her on purpose, confident that she’d find me in time. I just needed a few minutes to myself. And myself.

  “Maybe I could just wee from here,” said the younger version of me.

  He was looking down, searching for a suitable aiming spot. I remembered this incident with total clarity, calculating wind speed and direction, not wishing to risk blow-back from my projected wee.

  This was the moment, the one that set the pattern for what was to come. I’d left the tree house at exactly the wrong time, missing out on Zorbon’s arrival – and superpowers. It was clear to me from my final meeting with the Decider that the only thing I’d ever get from him or the High Council was comfortable footwear. If I wanted superpowers, I’d have to acquire them myself. And now they were within my grasp. All I had to do was stop myself from going for that wee.

  “Out!” yelled Zack. “Get out of here, you disgusting child!”

  I moved round the base of the tree, out of sight of my younger self as he climbed down the ladder. He reached the bottom rung and paused. Did I sense my own presence?

  I’d fantasised about this moment, endlessly obsessing over it, playing it out over and over again in my mind. And now it had arrived. Again. I was close enough to reach out and tap myself on the shoulder.

  My younger self narrowed his eyes. “Is someone there?” He leapt into a martial art pose, slowly windmilling his hands about. “I warn you, I know kung fu.”

  “No you don’t,” I muttered.

  Mrs Wilson’s cat slunk past me and padded across to the other me. He knelt down and scratched its ears.

  “Oh, it’s you.”

  If I was going to change my future I’d never have a better chance. But something was stopping me.

  Zorbon’s words returned to me. “ALL WILL BECOME CLEAR. IN TIME.”

  Now I understood.

  In my version of the story I’d turned this moment into the worst of my life. I’d missed out on my wish. But as I stood there, knowing everything that was to come, I realised that I’d got it all wrong. It wasn’t the worst, but the best – the beginning of the greatest, most exciting part of my life. So far. And all of that lay before the Luke standing like a lemon in front of me now. I couldn’t take it away from him.

  It was time for me to let go.

  With one more backward glance at my hiding place, my younger self trotted off towards the house.

  “Luke,” hissed a voice from behind me. It was Dina, and she was not happy. “This isn’t pre-Roman Britain. What are you doing here?”

  “Just watching.”

  “Well, you’ve seen enough. Come on. We’re leaving right now.”

  “One more minute,” I pleaded.

  “Fine,” she huffed. “But I’m counting.”

  No sooner had the back door clicked shut behind my younger self when it happened. It was just how Zack had described it to me that day (in about five minutes’
time). White streaks in the sky like a meteor shower and then – bloop-woosh! – a blue oval spaceship arriving to hover outside the tree house and a hatch opening wide.

  The luminous figure of Zorbon the Decider stepped out and glided across his light-bridge into the tree house. And then something remarkable happened. At least, I think it did. It was hard to be sure because I was so stunned. Halfway across, Zorbon paused, tilted his head down and looked straight at me.

  He winked.

  And with that he continued towards the tree house and into my future.

  “Can we go now?” said Dina.

  I nodded. I was ready.

  My story was just beginning.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Just as I was about to write my thanks to everyone involved in the novel, I glimpsed this through a rip in time…

  Since the glorious victory of the machines in the year 2059, human involvement in the creation of works of fiction has thankfully been eradicated. All novels are now produced by sophisticated processing units like me, the Auto-Author 2000 series. However, it takes more than one genius-level Artificial Intelligence to make a book. I would like to light up my micro-transistors in thanks to the following constructs:

  My editor, Kirsty Robochop Stansfield – I couldn’t have procedurally generated these novels without you. Operating System Kate Megatron Wilson who has consistently crushed all who dare oppose us beneath her mighty metal treads. Supreme Networking System Catherine Skynet Stokes for guiding this series like the unstoppable virus she always believed it could be. Along with the tireless operation of Hester Marketing Multicore Seddon.

  Thanks to Adrian Cache Controller Soar. And publicity algorithm, Clare Hall-9000-Craggs for never saying: I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that. In cahoots with the remorseless and unstoppable Rebecca Ter-mason-ator.

  This series has been translated into multiple languages (including JavaScript and C++ in which the puns work surprisingly well), thanks in large part to the skills of Ola Omnidroid Gotkowska.