Murder of the Month

by Tegan Maher

  Cheri beamed. She was always a little nervous about meeting new people, be they living-impaired or not, because of her reputation and profession when she’d been alive. For my part, I was grateful the two elder ghosts had smoothed her path.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” Cheri said, bobbing her head respectfully, and the older woman gave her an approving smile.

  Ida approved of the flowers and declared Rose picked a beautiful coffin, even if it didn’t seem as important a detail since she was floating proof that it really was just an empty shell in there.

  Now if just the rest of the funeral went as well.

  CHAPTER 37

  PEOPLE BEGAN SHOWING up in small clusters, and Rose greeted them as they did. Felix and Millie were among the last to arrive, and I shook my head in disbelief when I saw what Millie had chosen to wear. She’d made some attempt at funeral apparel but missed by a mile and landed somewhere between crazy bag lady and dominatrix. Suffice it to say, a black leather miniskirt does not go with a silk hat and veil.

  I cast a glance at Addy and muttered under my breath, “Belle and Ida gave me the dickens for considering jeans. Wearing fishnet stockings never even crossed my mind.”

  Addy was still taking it all in, her expression a mix of disbelief and horrified fascination. “That’s because I raised you better,” she said without taking her eyes off the fashion disaster. “But you, at least, could have pulled them off. Once you reach a certain age, weight, and cellulite percentage, there are some things you just don’t wear. Ever.”

  I chanced a glance at Ida to see how she was handling it. I couldn’t tell if she was appalled or shocked into silence until her face lit up and she said, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”

  I closed my eyes, afraid of what was coming because in all my years, I’d never seen anything good follow those words. At least I didn’t have to worry about her accidentally killing herself, but then it occurred to me she probably wasn’t the one I should be worried about.

  She did a loop-de-loop, then got right up in Millie’s face, her expression that of a fifteen-year-old about to steal her parent’s car. I pulled in a breath and looked to Addy and Belle, who both shrugged. Ida ran an experimental finger up Millie’s arm, and was delighted when the woman rubbed the spot and gave a little shiver.

  “Can I touch her if I concentrate hard enough?” Ida asked.

  “Unfortunately, no,” Belle answered.

  “Or fortunately,” Rose muttered to me. I had to agree—if physical contact other than just the cold chills was possible, we’d likely see the zipper on red the bustier give way, or something equally heinous, and nobody wanted to see that.

  Ida messed with her throughout the short service, which made it hard for Rose to appear appropriately sad because it got to be downright funny. Ida would poke her up and down an arm, then on the cheek, which I figured probably felt like bugs were landing on her since she didn’t know any better.

  Ida even passed her hand clear through her a couple times. I knew for a fact that felt like somebody passed an ice cube through you since Addy delighted in whacking us on the back of the head, which of course resulted in her hand going all the way through. It felt sort of like a mini brain-freeze.

  Millie became increasingly freaked out, slapping at the spots where Ida poked her, and rubbing where her post-living predecessor passed clear through her. By the end of the short service, she looked like she was being swarmed by mosquitoes and everybody was staring at her and whispering behind gloved hands. Not that they hadn’t been before because of the getup, but now they weren’t bothering to hide it.

  A few in attendance who knew about our ghost population had figured out what was going on and were clearing their throats and trying not to laugh. Ida may not have been well-loved, but she did have a few friends, and even those who only showed up to support Rose were still down for a good prank.

  As a grand finale, when Millie and Felix were leaving, Ida got right up next to Millie’s ear and said, “Don’t even think about moving into my house. And your saggy old ass looks a mile wide in that skirt.”

  I almost choked hearing the prim and proper Ida say such a thing and wondered for a second what had brought about the about-face. Maybe dying helped her put things in perspective. Whatever it was, I wasn’t complaining.

  All things considered, the service could have gone much worse, for everybody except Millie, of course. She squealed and jumped in the car, slamming the door behind her and putting her arms over her face. “Drive!” she barked at Felix as soon as he was in. Felix looked completely lost, but did as he was told and hightailed it out of there.

  Ida made a show of grinning and brushing off her hands. “There,” she said. “That was the best funeral I’ve been to in a long time. Ever, maybe, even if it was my own.”

  “Mama, you’re awful,” Rose said, but the sparkle in her eyes took the bite out of it.

  Ida raised a brow. “That old cow hasn’t seen awful if she still tries to move into my house.”

  From the look on her face, I had no doubt she meant every word of it. Ida Crenshaw was the type of woman who wouldn’t let a little thing like being dead stop her from getting her way.

  CHAPTER 38

  HUNTER HAD HIT A DEAD end on the murders and the rain had given way to sunshine, so rather than sit around the house the rest of the day, we went for a ride on the bikes and grabbed some lunch. When we got home, he split off to hang out in the garage with Matt and work on a bike they’d bought as a fixer-upper. Since the temperatures had jumped back into the eighties, Rae, Gabi, Cheri Lynn, and I spent the afternoon lounging around the pool. That is, if you want to call making wild speculations about who tried kill me after they'd already killed two other people lounging.

  "So," I said to Gabi while we were sunbathing on floaty chairs in the pool, "I didn't push you much last night because of the mess you went through nearly dying in my place and all, but tell us about Mustang Guy who rear-ended you."

  Rae picked her head up and lifted her sunglasses. "You were in two wrecks in two days? Why am I just now hearing about this?"

  "It was no big deal," Gabi replied, but I could tell just from the tone of her voice that if I rolled my head over in the chair and looked at her, her cheeks would be pink.

  "Liar," Rae said, calling her out. "You can't fool me. I can read you like a book, and right now, it's a steamy romance. What's his name and what does he look like?"

  Gabi heaved a put-upon sigh. "Fine. His name is Michael and he’s about six feet, blond, and has brown eyes."

  Yup. I called that the minute she hung up after the wreck.

  "And?" I probed. "Is he from around here? Are you seeing him again?"

  "Geez, y'all are nosy," she said, irritated. "No, he's not from around here. Well, not from Keyhole Lake. He lives in Eagle Gap, and we're going for coffee tomorrow on my day off. He has to come sign some papers for his car. Since Skeet was the one who towed it, he just had him do the estimates."

  "Yeah," Cheri Lynn said, snickering, "and it sounds like the car isn't the only thing getting its chassis checked."

  "Knock it off," Gabi told her, a scowl in her voice. "It's just coffee."

  "Yeah," I said. "First it's coffee, then a romantic dinner date, then next thing you know, you're barefoot and pregnant with your third baby, living in a mansion in the lap of luxury eating turkey bacon and vegan cheese."

  She dropped her leg off the edge of her floaty and splashed me. "Shut up. It's coffee, not an interview for The Bachelor. And bacon is made from a pig. Anybody that says any different is just wrong."

  "What about you?" I asked Rae, turning the tables on her. "What did you and the handsome doc work out?"

  "Oooh." Now Gabi was the one to rise up and take a look. "You were grilling me when there's somethin' up with you and the good doctor?"

  "No," Rae mumbled, refusing to look at us. "There's nothing up with Dave and me."

  "Ha!" I barked. "Now you're the liar." I turned
to Gabi and Cheri Lynn. "He wants to take things to the next level."

  "That's awesome news!" Cheri Lynn bobbed up and down and clapped her hands, practically squealing.

  "It is," Gabi said, settling back in the pool chair. "And it's not like you're really doing anything other than making it official, anyway. You haven't been out with anybody else in months. Why are you making such a big deal about it?"

  Rae sighed. "It's just, he doesn't know I'm a witch, or about ghosts, or about any of it, and I feel like if we're going to take it to the next step, I should tell him."

  "Are you kidding?" Cheri Lynn said, amazed. "You haven't told him you're a witch yet?"

  "Yeah," Rae snarked, "because that's something that just comes up in conversation. Hey, this steak is fabulous. And by the way, I'm a witch. Will you pass the salt, please? Perfectly rational conversation to have with a man of science."

  Cheri held her hands up and wrinkled her nose. "Don't get all ... witchy. I was just asking. I guess it was easy for me and Rupert because we were both already dead when we met. Of course, it took me a while to work up the nerve to tell him what I did for a livin' before I died, so I guess I can sorta understand."

  Rae pulled in a deep breath and let it out again. "I just wish I could figure out a way to tell him. I've started to a hundred times because I really like him, but I always chicken out."

  "Have faith," I said. "It's part of who you are, but just a part. He already likes all the other parts, so I think it'll be fine. And if it's not, he's not the one for you anyway."

  Even though she agreed out loud with me, I knew she liked him enough that she didn't want to risk losing him. Still, it was a conversation she’d have to have eventually.

  He'd be fine with it. And if he wasn't, I'd kick his butt for breaking her heart.

  CHAPTER 39

  THE NEXT MORNING, I decided to stop into the Clip N Curl. I'd chipped a nail and needed it fixed, plus I wanted to find out what they knew about Dave and how likely they thought he'd be to accept the news. When I got there, I was pleasantly surprised to see Bobbie Sue and Sandra in there doing a sisters day.

  Sandra was leaned back in the chair getting her hair washed, and Bobbie was getting a pedicure.

  "Man," she told Alyse, who was massaging her feet. "I don't know why I don't do this more often. You have magic fingers."

  Alyse just smiled. "That's what I’m told. I don't know why you don't come in more often, either. I could really help with the plantar fasciitis." She rolled Bobbie's toes back into a stretch, then dug her thumbs into the arch of her foot and Bobbie groaned.

  "She's right, Bobbie," Sandra said as Coralee hung up the hose and reached for the shampoo. "You need to treat yourself more often. You work like a dog runnin' the restaurant, raisin' Justin, and keepin' that house of yours immaculate. You deserve some pampering."

  Bobbie Sue beamed when her sister called her house immaculate, and I mouthed, I told you so. She crinkled her nose at me, but didn't stop grinning.

  "Lands sakes," Sandra said when Coralee started massaging the shampoo into her hair. "I could do this all day."

  Coralee burst out laughing. "I do do it all day!"

  "Speaking of, where do you go to get your hair cut?" I'd wondered a few times, but never asked.

  "Well, now I have Alyse do it,” she said as she rinsed Sandra’s hair. “She's been to school for it, and she's learned a ton just watchin' me."

  Belle hmphed. "You mean listenin' to me."

  Coralee lifted a shoulder. "Both. She's learnin' how to be bossy and cantankerous from you so she'll be in shape when she gets old, and she's learned how to cut hair and do the books from me, so she'll have the skills if she ever takes this place over."

  That caught my attention. I couldn't imagine the Clip N Curl without Coralee, but when I thought about it, she was in her fifties and counting. With Alyse in her early twenties, that left the door wide open for Coralee to hand the reins over if she ever decided to. Personally, I figured she'd die with scissors in her hand, but you never knew.

  Since I didn’t feel comfortable questioning them about Rae's problem with coming out of the closet to Dave with Sandra in the room, I figured I might as well book myself in for when Alyse was done with Sandra, then head over to the shop to get some work done.

  Erol was in high spirits when I walked through the door, and I wondered what had him so chipper. Don't get me wrong—I was glad, but curious.

  "I had the best time out with the Ghost Auxiliary last night," he exclaimed, floating along beside me as I headed toward the counter to stash my purse. "We went to the theater last evening for classics night and watched Gone with the Wind. They just don't make them like that anymore."

  They did not, for which I was eternally grateful, but since I was one of the very few Southerners—or Northerners for that matter—who didn't like the movie, I didn't relate to him how happy that made me. Instead, I grinned. "I'm glad you got out, and ecstatic you had fun. I wish you'd do it more often."

  He smiled. "You know, I think I'm going to. There are some real nice folks in that group, and they're helpful when I get a little down. Don’t get me wrong—you're a peach, but they know what I'm going through."

  "That makes sense," I said, not taking it personally. "You need to be out with like-minded people who are in the same boat you are. We all do."

  He followed me into the workshop. "So what's on your agenda for the day?"

  I glanced at my watch and was surprised to see it was only a quarter to nine. I'd gotten up early to bring more pastries to Brew, so I'd sat and had a cup of coffee with Rae and Angel, then pitched in and helped with the early rush. I was dying to hear who owned the land between Ida and me, but Peggy Sue wouldn't be in until nine to look it up.

  "It looks like I'm going to be making some grocery-list blackboards," I said. "I picked up a whole box of old washboards at an auction this weekend and still have plenty chalkboard paint from the last ones I made."

  "That's good," he said. "They sell well."

  He floated back and forth like he was waiting for me to say something, but I had no clue what it was.

  "Is there something on your mind?" I finally asked.

  "Well, duh," he said, but he sounded a little hurt. "I'm waiting to hear all about Gabi's wrecks and all the excitement from the weekend. I figured you'd have already spilled the beans, but it seems I'm gonna have to drag it out of you." He crossed his arms and frowned at me.

  "I'm sorry," I said. "My mind’s all cluttered and I figured you'd heard it all from Addy and Belle anyway."

  "Well, I did," he admitted, "but I want to hear your version of events. Maybe they left something out."

  I huffed a breath out my nose. "The last thing I would ever accuse either one of those ladies of is leaving a single nuance out of a story."

  "Okay, then," he said. "I'll be more blunt. I'd like to hear the unvarnished facts without all the embellishments."

  That made more sense.

  "Oh. Well then in that case, buckle up." I gave him the 411 on the entire weekend, including Rae's reticence to talk to Dave. He was a heck of a problem solver when it came to romance, and he loved to do it. He practically cackled with glee when I told him about Gabi's literal run-in with the hot guy.

  "It's about time that girl found her a man," he said. "I've been worried sick about her. She never dates, and all she does is work."

  "Well," I said, "to be fair, her mama wasn't exactly somebody she'd want to bring a guy home to, and she had a boyfriend when she worked at the ranch."

  He snorted. "Yeah, one that ended up dead in your barn. I have yet to meet a man, living or dead, worth going to prison for, even if it was because I killed him."

  That wasn't funny because the whole situation had been a nightmare, but it was.

  "Seriously," he continued. "Our girl needs a man in her life. You have Hunter, Raeann has Dave. Anna Mae had Matt. Shoot, even Shelby has Cody. The poor thing's gotta feel like the third wheel most of t
he time."

  When he put it like that, I felt a little guilty. "Yeah, I guess you're right. She does deserve somebody."

  Hunter's ringtone sang from my back pocket and I pulled out my phone.

  "Hey, sweetie," I said when I answered.

  "Hey, yourself," he replied. "Peggy Sue just came in and, as usual, had the info I needed without even looking it up. The Adcocks are husband and wife. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have an address for either of them."

  "Hm," I said, thinking. "I’ve been thinking about it since we looked it up, and I don't think I've ever heard the name until now."

  "That doesn't surprise me," he said. "Peggy Sue doesn’t even know who they are. I have her trying to track down a current address now."

  "That shouldn't be too hard. The tax bill has to be sent somewhere."

  "Well—" He drew the word out. "It comes straight out of a trust every year that was set up by the parents specifically for that."

  Great. Just what we needed—another dead end. I'd had about all the dead anythings I could handle for the year and was starting to wonder if it was a sign.

  CHAPTER 40

  I’D JUST PUT THE FINISHING touches on the lamps when Rae called. I pulled my gloves off and dropped my paintbrush into a cup of water.

  “Hey,” I said, holding the phone between my ear and shoulder as I washed white paint off my fingertips. “What’s up?”

  “You gotta get down here,” she said, her words slurring together in panic. “I screwed up and have no idea how to fix it.”

  I furrowed my brow and dried my hands, already on my way toward the door. “What happened? I thought you were skipping magic at work for the time being.”