Beginnings

by L. T. Smith

  Within ten minutes, I was sat in the back of a taxi on my way home.

  How could I stay when I knew she knew? How could I face her? How could I?

  Exactly.

  How could I?

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I ARRIVED HOME A little after eleven. Both my parents were surprised to see me back so early, but I rested their questions with a mumbled excuse about having to get up early for work the next day.

  As if I cared about work. Or anything for that matter, except the look on Ash’s face when she had seen all there was inside me.

  I felt dirty.

  Unnatural.

  I felt like I should be kept away from anyone half-decent. I should have known being gay wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I had accepted the fact I was different, and foolishly thought the rest of the world didn’t matter … mainly because they didn’t have to know. Really, I thought I could keep this huge, dark secret tucked up inside myself and never tell a soul.

  The innocence, or should I say, the stupidity of youth, eh?

  Blackness enveloped me as I trudged up the stairs, into the bathroom, into the shower to scrub this ‘filth’ from me. But it didn’t cleanse me like I hoped it would.

  How could I have been so stupid? So fucking stupid? So ignorantly fucking ass-wiping dick scraping stupid?

  The despair I had been feeling turned into anger … anger at myself for being who I was … for being different.

  My bedroom was dark when I entered and I couldn’t be arsed to turn the light on, just threw myself onto the bed, and screamed into the pillow.

  ‘What’s up with you, lezza?’ Jo’s new nickname for me rang through the air like a punch waiting to happen. I stiffened on top of the bed, the pillow half in my open mouth … and waited.

  The reason I waited is because I knew if I had said anything at that precise moment, I would regret it. ‘Oi, Lou! What’s the matter?’ The jesting had left her voice and I could hear concern coming from her. I could also hear her getting up from her bed and shuffle over to mine.

  I could barely see the outline of her as she leaned over me, silhouetted by the light coming through the crack in the curtain. I wanted to tell her to fuck off and let me rot in peace, but I couldn’t … just couldn’t.

  A warm hand landed in the centre of my back and waited … no movement, except for my breathing, which was becoming laboured because of the pillow half suffocating me.

  Time elapsed. I don’t know how much, but it seemed an age. I could feel myself drifting off into a fog filled haze, my long wet hair sticking to my face, arms and neck. Her voice came in through the mist and seemed like a dream of some description, a fantasy …

  ‘Tell me, Lou. Tell me …’

  I was open to telling her, mainly because I didn’t have the capability to stop myself. The words fell from my lips like a confession, maybe because they were.

  ‘I’m in love with Ash.’

  Total silence. It actually felt like I had just spoken into the empty air, and I was beginning to believe the sensation of Jo’s hand was just that … a sensation, until she spoke.

  ‘Does she know how you feel?’

  ‘I think so … I think she’s guessed.’ A calmness was in my voice I didn’t expect; dreamlike once again. It is funny how you can experience one emotion and then juxtapose this with its opposite in the matter of an instant.

  ‘What does she think about it?’

  ‘How the fuck should I know? I didn’t stick around to get my face slapped, did I?’ I turned sharply, releasing the pillow … releasing the anger that had been welling up unbeknownst to me in the last five minutes…releasing the frustration and hurt and agony and despair that comes with being in love with someone you just … can’t … have.

  ‘How do you know she would slap your face? You may have been surprised.’

  That was it. I was boiling now. How dare she surmise how and what Ash would be feeling. How dare she try to make … try to make … try … to … make …

  … me feel better.

  I was sat upright now, my body invading her space, the stance threatening, but she didn’t flinch. Just stared me in the eyes. ‘I said, how can you possibly know how Ash would have reacted if you didn’t stay around long enough to find out.’

  I didn’t move: I was stock still, staring.

  ‘I never took you for a coward, Lou.’

  Could I possibly answer that? Could I be angry at what she had said, considering it was the truth? I was a coward. Plain and simple. A girl without a spine. And I felt even more ashamed of myself than I already was. I felt the life seep from me once again and I sat back against the headboard and closed my eyes.

  ‘You have to tell her … let her know how you feel.’

  A whispered ‘I can’t’ wisped itself from half closed lips.

  ‘What have you got to lose? You can’t go on like this Lou … I’ve noticed for a while you weren’t happy, …’ I made a half-hearted move to interrupt, but she shushed me. ‘No … this is not about you and Sarah. Even after you told me about you two, you still seemed sad for some reason.’

  I shrugged, and muttered ‘I’ll get over it’.

  ‘But why should you have to get over anything? Why can’t you just put your cards on the table and level with the girl … you may be surprised.’

  That was the second time she had said that … that I’d be surprised. I looked at her, the question evident.

  ‘I don’t know … it’s just you two … well … even when we were kids there was something I couldn’t put my finger on.’ She looked sheepish at this. And I looked intrigued.

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘Erm … you two just … erm … well seemed to fit, if you know what I mean?’ I shook my head and waited for her to go on. She released a deep breath, shook herself and then looked at me. I knew she felt uncomfortable, but I needed her to say it … say what my heart wanted to hear.

  She coughed, and then coughed again.

  ‘I always felt like a spare part when I was with you two … always felt like I wasn’t needed … shush Lou, let me speak. I felt you had a connection, something none of us could understand at the time. Didn’t you wonder why I didn’t hang about with you two?’ I nodded. ‘It wasn’t because I disliked Ash, although I know you thought I did. I just felt … erm … out of place somehow.’

  The proverbial penny clunked into my head like a two-ton weight. No wonder Jo always said for Ash and me to do our own thing, but always gave the option to join her if I wanted to. Not Ash … just me. I kind of drifted off for a minute in an attempt to recollect anything that could have given Jo the impression she wasn’t wanted … well … needed is more the word.

  I have to admit I could see her point of view. Even as a kid I had always felt complete with Ash … like we fitted together in some strange way … like we were meant to be friends.

  Friends.

  Friends.

  Not lovers … but friends.

  That word stuck in my throat and choked my future. Friends. How could I expect her to want anything more than we had already? I had waited ten years for her to come back into my life and there was no way I was going to bugger it up by making a pass at her.

  If all I ever got from her was her friendship, than I would be happy with that, as I couldn’t bear not having her again.

  But I loved her so much … so much … so much… How could I be around her all of the time and not lean forward to capture that perfect mouth with my own? How could I sit close to her and not drown in her eyes?

  How could I face her again after tonight?

  ‘Lou?’ Jo’s voice broke through my reverie in an attempt to bring me back to earth. I faced her with a sad smile and the threat of tears at the back of my eyes. ‘You are going to tell her, aren’t you?’ Slowly and carefully I shook my head in the negative. She frowned at me, pushing her bottom lip out like a child in an attempt to make me laugh. But that was the last emotion I felt like having.


  She sighed, shook her head whilst expelling a stream of breath. ‘You are a fool, Lou. Tell her … for fuck’s sake … what have you got to lose?’

  I didn’t miss a beat with my answer. What was there to consider?

  ‘Everything, Jo. Everything.’

  With that I turned onto my side, dismissing her with my back. There was no way I could tell Ash how I felt. In her eyes we were just friends … friends who barely knew each other after ten years. Imagine what she would do … say … if I was to proclaim my undying love for her? She would think I was an idiot … or a pervert … or both.

  The pain in my chest was clawing at the inside of my rib cage, the heart was attempting to rip out of its nest and scream its agony into the air. But to anyone watching I was still …rigid.

  ‘Just think about it, okay? Life’s too bloody short to hide behind fear. We’ll speak tomorrow, right?’ I didn’t answer … couldn’t. ‘I said … we’ll speak tomorrow, all right?’ Her voice was firm and brooked no argument. I nodded, as I didn’t trust my voice to be in charge of what I was feeling. ‘Okay. Now get some sleep.’

  A light kiss landed on my head, and I pushed my face in the pillow once again.

  A very good way to muffle the sobs that were breaking out. And it saved me wiping the tears that were pouring freely down my cheeks.

  Life is a bitch, isn’t it?

  Saturday saw me trying to hold down the contents of my stomach once again, as the smells of the indoor market nearly strangled me. That was a mean smell … Jesus … everything smelled off. It wasn’t just the fact of the market, but the lack of sleep I had had the night before.

  Jo’s words had danced around my head and made me re evaluate my situation, both with Sarah and with Ash. I had cried on and off all night, especially when I kept envisioning Ash’s face the last time I had seen her. The blue eyes … the startled expression … her lips wet after she licked them. Emotions inside me were an oxymoron, as they both contributed to the agony of love … of my love for her.

  Funny thing was Sarah looked ten times worse than I did.

  I could see she was fighting the smell of the cheeses … a definite sign of a mega hangover. Her eyes looked dull and lifeless, and her skin had a pallor associated with the dead.

  Even when I said hello, all she could muster was a watery smile, but she still gripped my hand as she passed behind the extremely small counter and whispered ‘Missed you last night.’

  And of course I felt bad, because I had barely given her a thought. I conjured a smile from deep inside and she gazed into my face before saying, ‘Jesus, Lou. You look like I feel. Did you drink too much?’

  I just nodded. What was I supposed to say? ‘Well actually, Sarah. No. I didn’t touch a drop. I just spent all night crying about how I love Ashley Richards.’ The words ‘lead balloon’ and ‘going down like one’ sprang to mind.

  The morning passed in its usual blur of activity. Customers queued and queued and queued for what seemed like eternity. I couldn’t wait for lunchtime … the quicker it arrived the better.

  Five minutes before I was to go off duty, I felt a sensation creep up my spine and travel through my body like a shock of electricity. I had my back to the counter, but I knew if I turned around I would see the reason why my legs had lost their ability to hold my weight up. I gripped the side, my knuckles going white, and Sarah sidled next to me her face full of concern.

  ‘Are you all right, Lou? You look like shit.’ I didn’t feel all right. Not by a long stretch of the imagination. A couple of deep breaths … a couple more … then a couple more for good measure.

  I turned, the action nearly my undoing. And there she was … like a vision.

  She was leaning back on the end of the counter opposite ours, her arms crossed over her chest, her eyes fixed on me, although she couldn’t quite see my face. There was no smile … just the look. Stern and commanding. I was trapped in her gaze like a rabbit in the headlights of a car.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Sarah’s voice sounded distant, and I had difficulty answering her.

  ‘That’s Ash.’

  ‘Ash! As in your Ash?’

  I wish.

  ‘Yes. My Ash.’ My voice sounded dead, lifeless … defenceless. I watched Ash rearrange herself, pushing her hips forward and trying to get some amount of comfort from the glass cabinet.

  ‘What’s she doing here, then?’

  I wanted to snap ‘How the fuck should I know?’ But I didn’t. For two reasons. One … it wouldn’t have been fair to take out my frustration on Sarah.

  Two … I knew.

  I knew she had come to have a go about last night … and I was hoping it was just for deserting her and not saying goodnight. Not for catching me drooling over her. Please. If there is a God … please don’t let her know how I feel … please.

  ‘Right you two. Are you going to lunch now or what?’

  Crap.

  Double crap.

  Crap times infinity.

  I always had lunch with Sarah … always. And there was no way I could face having them both together, not after last night … not with feeling as rough as what I did. I couldn’t cope with Ash having a go at me … especially if she came right out and said … you know … about what I had showed her so clearly last night. What would Sarah do? Would she ‘out’ me, say that we were sleeping together?

  Fuck.

  I felt sick to my stomach. My stomach felt sick to my teeth. My teeth had gone numb … so had my brain, which had broken all ties with my mouth, leaving me mute and stupid.

  ‘Come on, Lou … it’s our turn.’

  I followed Sarah down the counter, and from the corner of my eye, I saw Ash push herself away from the counter and start to follow us.

  Not good.

  ‘Lou! Lou! Wait up!’ I could hear Ash behind me, and it took all the gumption I had to turn and face her, plastering a smile there for the initial contact … pretending nothing was the matter.

  She was racing up to me, pushing people out of the way in an attempt to get there quickly.

  ‘Hey, Ash. I was going to call you later.’

  That stopped her in her tracks … for about two seconds.

  ‘Didn’t you see me? I was waiting opposite your stall.’

  I could feel Sarah next to me, waiting to be introduced. Ash’s eyes flicked to her in acknowledgement, and then came back to rest on mine. ‘No … I didn’t see you … we’ve been busy.’

  Sarah was nearly pushing into the back of me by now, and I could feel my nerves shredding. I could tell Ash didn’t believe me, but what else could I do? I couldn’t tell her I what had been going through my mind … I just did the ‘running away’ thing that I did so well.

  ‘We need to talk,’ she looked over my shoulder at Sarah. ‘Alone.’

  What to do? What to do? It all seems so small and harmless now when I look back, but at the time I was terrified.

  I nervously looked at Sarah, my eyes adopting a beseeching look. She looked pissed off, which I didn’t blame her for. So I gave her the puppy dog eyes once more, adding a smile into the kitty. I saw the resolve leave her, and she nodded her head in assent, albeit begrudgingly. ‘I’ll see you later, Sarah, okay?’

  She just nodded, turned and walked downstairs to the locker room. I turned back to Ash ‘I have to get out of this apron; I’ll meet you at St Mary’s … at the back of the churchyard, okay?’ I didn’t even wait for a reply, just scooted down the steps and into the changing room.

  Sarah was brushing her hair and glaring at me in the mirror. I smiled at her reflection, but she just lowered her eyes.

  Saying I felt like a prize shit would be redundant at this stage … I think it is obvious. I walked up behind her and put my hands around her waist, lowering my lips to her tied up hair. ‘Sorry, honey … I … well … Ash and I had a bit of an argument last night.’ Why was I lying … again? But I couldn’t stop myself. ‘I think she wants to talk about it.’ Sarah was still tense, so I went one-step fur
ther and started to kiss the back of her neck.

  Soft, tender kisses, breathy kisses, kisses filled with promise, kisses that said ‘I want you.’ Her body visibly relaxed, and I could hear her breathing becoming heavy and expectant. She turned in my arms and covered my mouth with her own. A hot kiss … a wet kiss … a tongue begging entrance to my mouth, which I allowed. I could feel myself getting lost in her, and the sensations her lips … her hands … her fingers were doing to me.

  I could feel a pooling forming between my legs … an ache building … but they weren’t for Sarah. They were for a certain woman who was now waiting for me in the churchyard … and if things went badly, at least I was in the right place. They could just bury me.

  I pulled away from Sarah, a little too quickly, because she gave me a dazed look. ‘Got to go … see you when I get back, yeah?’ She nodded, and tried to summon a smile from deep within.

  I took off my apron and washed my hands, surreptitiously watching her in the mirror. Her gaze never left mine … I don’t think she even blinked.

  ‘Laters, then.’

  ‘Can I see you tonight? My parents are out if you want to come round?’

  I was going to say no … honestly. But her face … she looked like she would crumble if I turned her down. I couldn’t …

  ‘Okay … great. We’ll sort it out when I get back, yeah?’ Her smile swallowed me, and she grabbed me by the hips and planted a kiss on my mouth.

  It’s such a pity I couldn’t return the affection.

  With a weak smile, I turned and left her there.

  Alone.

  Ash was pacing in the churchyard, and I had only twenty minutes of my lunchtime left. I had tried to think of a plausible explanation about what she ‘thought’ she had seen written on my face last night. But they all came out lame or an obvious lie.

  I had convinced myself that whatever she said I would just deny it. There was no point admitting it … I needed a spine to do that, and I didn’t have one. So I would go for the ‘deny’ or ‘no comment’ rule.

  She had her back to me, but as I got nearer she turned abruptly … startled, her face showing confusion for some unaccountable reason.