Beginnings

by L. T. Smith

  I smiled at her, hoping to stop the accusations before they even got started. Then once again another lie popped out of my mouth. And I didn’t even expect it.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t say goodnight last night … I felt really ill … and I just had to get home.’ Well … it could have been the truth, I did feel ill – but not in a poorly sick and can’t eat custard kind of way. The sickness was how I felt about myself, about what I had done; the fact I had shown the one person whom I didn’t want to know, exactly how I felt about them.

  Ash just looked at me with the same startled expression on her face, her poise was slightly askew, as her shoulders twisted round. She didn’t move … just stood there and waited until I was right up close to her.

  I stood and waited for her to answer, or even remark on what I had just said, and I finally realised I didn’t think she had heard me so I repeated it.

  ‘Did you feel it?’ Huh? ‘Did you feel that … that something?’ My face informed her that I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. ‘That tingling sensation …’

  I stared at her … I knew exactly was she was talking about; I had felt it when she had been watching me at work. It was a weird feeling … almost electrical.

  But, me being me, I just shook my head, and I still believe I saw disappointment flash across her face. She lifted her hand and brushed it through her long raven locks, completing its journey with a waggle of her fingers. ‘What did you say?’

  I had to swallow before I could answer her. ‘Erm … just that I was sorry about last night … I didn’t feel well so just went home.’

  Concern flooded onto her face. ‘Are you okay now? Should you be at work?’ She came towards me and put her hands on my shoulders, her body close to mine, her face closer. ‘You look all pale and blotchy all of a sudden … come … sit down.’ I did feel pale and blotchy, but it wasn’t because I felt ill … more like the sensation she evoked in me. I think all of the blood raced from my face to a more demanding region, but it had left some stragglers behind.

  I let her lead me over to the bench and lowered me down to the seat, her arm completely around me. I was in guilty heaven … I could smell her perfume, so light … so addictive … so her. I was entranced.

  So entranced I realised I had shut off the listening part of my brain, and tuned in to hear the last part of what she was saying ‘… and then I came looking for you. It was the doorman who told us you had left in a taxi ten minutes earlier.’ She was rubbing my hands between her own, as to get the blood back I think, but take it from me … the blood was staying exactly where it had shot to minutes before. The hand rubbing guaranteed that.

  But it was her eyes that captivated me … those deep pools that looked into my face with absolute concern about my welfare; I was so lost in them I didn’t even feel bad about staring. All I wanted to do was to lean forward and just … catch … those … perfect lips in my own and drown into her. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I loved this woman who was half kneeling half sitting before me. The woman who was holding my hands in hers … holding my heart in her hands.

  I just wanted to take those hands of hers and place them on either side of my face, just to show her … to show her … I was hers … always hers. To show her I would be forever lost in her … my heart was forever lost.

  ‘… and then I remembered you worked on the market today. So here I am.’

  Yes. Here you are.

  ‘Sorry about leaving and not telling anyone.’ My voice sounded like my head was under water … muffled and distorted, but Ash didn’t seem to notice. She just flashed me one of those brilliant smiles that lit up the world … slightly crooked and filled with promise.

  ‘Forget about it. We were just worried about you.’ She patted my knee. ‘Anyway … what are your plans for tonight. Fancy you –me – the pictures – there’s a good film on. The Terminator with Arnold Schwarzenegger.’

  I physically felt my face light up, and my heart screamed out ‘YES!’ but then I remembered. Sarah. I had promised Sarah I would see her tonight.

  Fuck.

  And then … fuck … again.

  ‘I can’t …’ Ash’s face fell. I saw the expression literally go from ecstatic to depressed in the blink of an eye. ‘I’ve already made plans with … erm … Sarah.’ She tilted her face to the side, the expression questioning. ‘The girl I work with … we … erm … we … are going to … erm …’ I couldn’t say go to the pictures as Ash would have asked to come along. ‘Erm … going to her friend’s eighteenth in Stalybridge.’

  All the time I was deliberating with my tale, she watched me. It felt as if she knew I was lying but didn’t like to say anything. That made me feel more like the giant shit I had felt earlier. ‘But I am free tomorrow … or Monday … Tuesday …’ Was I throwing myself at her? Most certainly. All the ideas of avoiding her crumbled into dust and flew into the wind, swirling its way around the stone structure of St Mary’s church taking my inhibitions with it.

  The smile I so loved about her, trickled its way back onto her chiselled face, spreading like sunshine and making me feel giddy just to be in its presence.

  ‘How about all three?’ She cocked her head to the side and waited for my response, which was to allow my jaw to drop and for me to sit there catching flies. A laugh came from deep within her making me snap my mouth closed once again. ‘Look … I miss you. Is that a crime now? Just thought we should see more of each other.’ She grinned. ‘And by seeing you for three nights on the trot … well … let’s just say … it would be my pleasure.’

  And mine … God … and mine.

  ‘And … next time I ask you out on a Saturday night, maybe you wouldn’t have already made arrangements with someone else. You’d be all mine.’

  God … I wish … I wish … I so wish I was all yours Ashley Richards. From the bottom of my ba booming heart.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  SATURDAY NIGHT SAW me with Sarah, but not with her, if you know what I mean. Physically I was there, but my head and my heart were definitely somewhere else …

  Even when she had her head between my legs, fucking me with her mouth, I was elsewhere. All I could do was think of Ash, and wish it was her there sucking and licking and kissing my most intimate place … wish it was her fingers that were playing with my nipple; her hand that was holding my hip down; her head bobbing up and down.

  I didn’t even try to stop my thoughts from straying … I just accepted the fact I was head over heels in love with Ash, and wanted her more than I wanted to breathe. No guilt this time … nothing … except a fantastic orgasm that ripped through me and made me scream into the air, whilst thrusting myself onto Sarah’s face over and over again … savouring the jolts spluttering from me … sweat coating my skin … cum coating my thighs, her face and mouth.

  So as I said. Having illicit thoughts about Ash didn’t stop me having an orgasm. In fact … it definitely helped.

  Christmas came and went, and the majority of my time was spent with Ash now. Sarah, quite rightly, was becoming more and more jealous. Even though I wasn’t technically cheating on her – I was. Well … in my head … and definitely in my heart … and I knew I had to stop what I was doing to her.

  I did like Sarah … really like her. She had been my first … and would always hold that special place in my heart as she had shown me exactly who I was … and still am. I did feel bad … I knew her feelings for me ran deep; I could tell every time she looked at me.

  And I knew I was actually doing more harm than good being with her, and I had to find the courage from somewhere to do something about it. Deep down, I just wished she would get fed up with me cancelling on her and go and find someone else.

  I know … the true coward’s way out. And I agree with you … I didn’t deserve anyone, especially if that is how I was going to treat them.

  New Year’s Eve arrived resplendent and ready for action. I’d made arrangements to spend the evening with Sarah … out of guilt I thin
k. Ash had been disappointed when I told her but had accepted it with little fuss, but her eyes had given her away … and I felt torn.

  Bloody hell. Why on earth should I be in this situation? Why couldn’t I just be happy with Sarah? Why did I have to always go after the unobtainable?

  Life, I suppose … the little things that are here to drive us slowly mad with longing.

  Ah well …

  Anyway. I digress. Per usual.

  Ash told me where she would be going, and told me and my ‘friends’ to pop in if we were passing. Yeah … I could see that happening … me and Sarah popping in to see Ash, her brothers, the wonderful Tracy (who was back on the scene again after worming her way back in to Stephen’s affections. Twat. Or twatette …), and all our mates from college meeting in The Plough in Heaton Moor.

  Manchester was heaving with people, and Sarah and I had tickets to New York New York, a gay bar, which had a live act on, and a disco. At least we could be natural … well as natural as I could be being underage and with the wrong woman.

  All evening I sat with Sarah, refusing most of the drinks thrust in front of me by everyone and their mother (not really their mother – an expression if you will). As time dragged by I became increasingly depressed, and was constantly clock watching. And like all clock-watchers, I found time fucking about with my sense of reality. What seemed like an hour had been five minutes … I’m not even going to go into what an hour felt like, but believe me … it was agony.

  Eventually, it was Sarah who couldn’t stand it anymore, and broke the silence between us. I heard it smash into smithereens as it hit the wall with force.

  ‘I know you are not happy, Lou. Have I done something to upset you?’ Her face was pained, the anguish clearly standing out making her features appear gaunt and deathlike. Her eyes seemed haunted as she waited for my response, and I knew she wanted me to say something that would make this better … make us better.

  What could I do? I could lie and just accept this relationship, or … I could tell her the truth.

  ‘Of course you haven’t … Sarah … I …am happy …’ But just not with you … just not like this. ‘You know I think a lot of you, don’t you?’ She nodded, her long hair flaying around her head as she nodded, her expression waiting for me to end this pain I could see written all over her.

  Why am I just about to tell her another lie? Why am I treating her like this? This wasn’t fair on her … she deserved so much more than my half-hearted attempts at a relationship. I knew I would never have a relationship with Ash, but that didn’t give me the right to treat Sarah like second best. I had to learn to be on my own for the right reasons … not with someone because it was convenient.

  She was still waiting for me to carry on. Still waiting for me to burst her bubble. Still waiting … and I could feel her breaking inside … and I knew exactly what she was going through, because I went through the same thing every time I was with Ash. I also knew that one day she would be me … sitting there, waiting to get my heart broken.

  ‘I’m in love with someone else.’

  I can still remember her face when those words came out … stunned … lost and broken all at the same time. Visibly the colour drained from her face, the whiteness stark in the club’s lighting. Then slowly, the face began to fold, crumble, fracture, splinter … rupture. Her hands flew outwards to mine in a vain attempt to capture my hands; a keening sound emanating from the pit of her stung my ears and my chest ached, as I knew it was my fault.

  ‘Please … no … Lou … don’t leave me … don’t … leave me. I … I … love you … love you …’ the first time she had used those words, and the last. Tears rained down her face and she lunged across the table trying to grab me, but I pulled away, tears rolling from my eyes too. I can’t tell you how I felt … can’t tell you what emotions were running through me by now. All I knew is that I had killed something in that girl … she was devastated … and it was all my fault, for wanting something, or should I say someone, else.

  People were looking over at us, but I didn’t care. I knew I should comfort her in some way, but how?

  She had leaned back into her chair by now, her hands over her face, trying to stop herself crying, trying to regain some composure.

  ‘Sarah I … I … never meant to hurt you, you must know that?’ No answer - just muffled sobs. ‘ I didn’t even know myself until after we had started seeing each other … didn’t even know I could have feelings for another woman.’

  Her face peeked over the tips of her hands, her mascara smeared all over her cheeks … and it was all my fault … all my fault. I watched her swallow rapidly, before she looked me straight in the eyes and said. ‘I understand …’ such a soft sweet voice. ‘Truly … Lou …’ She stopped again, swallowed again, looked at me squarely in the eyes … again. ‘Just remember … I …love you … always will.’

  And she was gone.

  And I was left searching the whole place from top to bottom for thirty minutes, but it was as if she had vanished off the face of the earth.

  Finally, I resolved myself to the fact she had left the place, collected my coat and headed towards the exit. Eleven fifteen on New Year’s Eve and I was going home. Good place for me, as I felt awful. I’d broken that girl … not just her heart … but her. And I doubt even to this day I have ever forgiven myself for it.

  If I was heading home, can you please tell me why, at eleven forty, I was pushing open the door to The Plough?

  Beats me. But that’s where my homing device had taken me. It had taken me home … home to Ash.

  I could see her standing with her back to me, and she was deep in conversation with some guys from college. I just stood there and watched her. She was so beautiful … so natural … such a catch for any guy in here.

  And that was the problem … it was the guys she was interested in … not girls. Like me.

  As I was watching her, I saw her stop in mid sentence and rub the back of her head, the side of her face quizzical, like something had just hit her. I looked around but couldn’t see anyone laughing, and more to the point, I hadn’t seen anything hit her either.

  In slow motion she turned … and looked straight at me, her face stunned for a split second, before she released the smile that was always ready and waiting. Then … she screamed out ‘LOU! YOU MADE IT!’ and hurtled towards me, throwing her arms around and crushing me into her.

  I was lost and found in her … the feel of her … the scent of her … just … her … all of her. My lips were so close to her neck … the special place on your neck where the throat meets the shoulder … the little dip. It was so tempting to just kiss her … suck in her skin … taste her. And to tell you the truth, I did have a little brush against it. It was bliss.

  She thrust me back, and I thought she had caught me, but her expression said otherwise. ‘I am so happy you could make it … with just over fifteen minutes to spare too.’

  Then, dear reader, you know what she did? Do you? Have a guess.

  Oh I can’t wait around for you, I’ll just tell you.

  She kissed me. On the mouth. Her mouth on mine. Bam. There … flesh on flesh … lips on lips … her arms around me, kissing me.

  About bloody time, I hear you all say. But hold your horses, it wasn’t a kissing kind of kiss … it was a ‘Hey … I’m so excited to see my friend’ kind of kiss. But who cares? She kissed me … on the mouth! And I nearly died … not of embarrassment … no way … of lust. The kiss was perfect, and I even got to sample a little bit of her spit, which I savoured after she pulled away and turned to shout the rest of them over. I pushed my lips into my mouth and sucked, just in case there was a little bit left over lurking outside that I could have missed.

  I know … I’m a sad fucker … but I bet nearly all of you have done the same thing at one time or another. Go on … have a think …

  See … I told you so.

  I was bustled forward into the group, where I was met by everyone. I could see Trac
y hanging back, trying to calm herself. And I wanted to laugh. I must have really pissed her off. Ash left me for a few minutes but I didn’t really get the chance to miss her as everyone was asking me questions about what I had done and why I had finally come to my senses and come.

  I tried to answer them all, but Ash was back carrying a glass of something bubbly, a cheeky grin splitting her face.

  As I looked at her, I felt a jolt of guilt for what I had done to Sarah pass over me … albeit fleetingly, but there nevertheless. Ash saw it. Would you believe it? She saw the expression flit across my face and her own reacted to it, roughly mirroring my own. So I smiled at her and she smiled back, slightly at first, and then a full out beaming smile.

  ‘Come on, Lou. Let’s get ready for the countdown.’ Then she grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the crowd and closer to the DJ, her fingers cool and long in my own sweaty stumpy ones. I allowed myself to be dragged by her, couldn’t resist really.

  ‘You’re not allowed a sip yet … you have to wait until midnight, okay?’ I nodded and then placed my glass on top of the speaker before leaning back and looking at my friend. She followed suit. Her long frame stretching out as she leaned back, her hips pushing out, her arms flat against the speaker.

  When she turned to face me she was nearly on my level, and I felt the air catch in my throat. How on earth am I going to get through tonight without telling her, without touching her, without losing complete control and kissing those faultless lips?

  Restraint. And lots of it.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ She was so close, I could just …

  ‘Not much.’ What else could I have said? The truth? I think I’d had enough of being truthful for one evening, don’t you? ‘Why?’

  ‘You looked so serious.’ I play slapped her in the belly and she pretended I had winded her, and we both laughed, before leaning back onto the speakers, totally comfortable with each other.

  When the DJ announced there was only a minute before midnight, I fully expected her to drag me off again to find the others, but she just leaned forward and pulled me into standing position in front of her.