Always

by Amie Forgeron

  He leaned over to whisper in my ear which sent a shiver down my spine. “I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my hands off you tonight.” I thought the same thing of him.

  Ava shrieked breaking the spell between James and me, “Oh my gosh! Let’s take some pictures before we go! We all look so good!”

  Using our many phones, we took several photos together with my parents’ help: a few as a group, one of each couple, Ava and me, James and Dashiell, and my parents and me. Dashiell demanded one more of the two of us for old time’s sake. As we were posing, he leaned in and whispered, “You’re beautiful, Sweets. Look how James is looking at you.” He gave James a knowing wink, and as we posed for the photo, I felt James’ eyes burning into me as they traced all the way down my body, a wicked grin on his lips.

  I whispered, “Ava’s pretty.”

  He confided, “I think she looks slutty, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.” I gave his hand a squeeze out of respect. Dashiell was one of the good ones.

  We said goodbye to my parents. I put on my fitted leather jacket and we left the house to drive the short distance to the school. Dashiell drove, so James and I sat in the back seat. He leaned in close to me and linked his fingers in mine. His eyes slowly traced up my body from my toes to my face. My stomach fluttered, and my breath caught as his gaze inched higher and met my eyes. “You’re so beautiful, Tati.” He turned away, a smile brightening his face.

  ✽✽✽

  The dance was fun as far as school dances went. Everyone looked amazing in their fancy clothes, the DJ was pretty good, and the gym was transformed into a winter wonderland with projected snowflake lighting and frosty colored streamers and balloons. It was fun being silly in the photo booth. It was more fun dancing with James to the slow songs. He held me close and whispered lovingly into my ear. He kissed me softly, tracing patterns with his fingertips along my waist. It was a perfect first date.

  It was nearing 9:30 and Dashiell and Ava found us to leave. He apologized, “Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Ava has a strict 10:00 curfew tonight because of church tomorrow, so we need to go. I can drop you guys off first and then take her across town.”

  Ten minutes later James and I found ourselves standing on my porch. “I had a nice time with you tonight. You look really handsome all dressed up, J.”

  “I had a nice time with you.”

  James slid his hands inside my open coat, his fingers tracing my skin along the top of the skirt. He pulled me gently to him and looked into my eyes. He let his mouth brush against mine so softly and we stayed like that for a moment until he pressed his lips to mine sweetly. He pulled away and stood up straighter looking at me with smiling eyes. “Good night, Cheetah-girl.”

  “Don’t you want to come in for a while? I still have some I-made-the-track-team cake left, and maybe we can hang out or...?”

  His clear emerald eyes flicked down the lariat necklace to my cleavage and back up to my eyes. He shook his head and winked. “Not on the first date.” He turned and walked toward his house. James was a perfect gentleman.

  ✽✽✽

  The next week we suffered through finals. Every spare moment was spent cramming with flash cards or finishing up term papers. The whole school had a stressed buzz about it. I couldn’t wait for an easy few weeks of vacation for the holidays!

  It felt like months until Friday arrived, and I was relieved when it did. I was excited to do our gift exchange at lunch. We sat around our usual table and each had a wrapped present in front of us. Kelsey interpreted for Samuel as we exchanged gifts.

  “Ok, so let’s open them one at a time! Finn, you start!” Finn tore open the newspaper wrapped package that James had given him. It was a pack of guitar strings and picks.

  “Thanks, James. Awesome! I actually needed replacements but haven’t had time to get them this week!” He came around and gave James a quick hug before returning to his seat.

  James opened the gift from me next. I printed our names on a picture frame and inserted a candid picture of us that my parents took on the night of the dance. James’ eyes lit up when he saw the picture and he passed it around for everyone to see.

  He leaned in close and kissed me on the cheek. “Thanks, Tati. That’s so sweet. I love it. I haven’t seen this picture. It’s great! I’m gonna keep it next to my bed so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up every day.” He kissed me again before he sat up straight.

  Finn looked at the picture and passed it to Samuel, “Tati, you … damn! Fierce!” Samuel made eye contact with me and blushed. Only he and I knew why.

  Kelsey took the picture from Samuel. “You two are such a cute couple! Love this! How come Samuel’s skirt never looks that good on me?”

  She passed the photo to Dashiell. He leaned over and whispered, “Beautiful. Love you, Sweets.” in my ear. I smiled and squeezed his arm as my “love you” back.

  “Ok open mine next!” Kelsey exclaimed. I pulled the tissue paper out of the small gift bag and unrolled what was wrapped inside. It was a sleek silver barrette. “Your hair looks so pretty down, Tati.” I reached up to touch the messy bun and looked down at the barrette.

  “Thank you, Kels! I love it. I promise I will use it at least once a week.” I jumped up and hugged her then returned to my spot on the bench. I looked at Dashiell. “Your turn!”

  Dashiell looked at Finn and smiled. Finn bashfully shrugged. Dashiell opened the large envelope to slide out the piece of paper inside. He teared up.

  “Finn, did you do this?” Finn nodded. “Brother, this is … this is so … you are so talented! I love the gift!”

  Dashiell held up the watercolor that Finn had painted. It was a portrait of Dashiell based on a photo that Finn had taken at Thanksgiving. Dashiell carefully slip the painting back into the envelope. He moved to sit down next to Finn and

  placed his arm around him. “You can have some extra Thor pillow time for that.” We all laughed and they cuddled for the rest of lunch.

  Kelsey opened her gift from Samuel next. It was a book of love poems. Kelsey swooned and kissed Samuel sweetly. Lastly, Samuel opened his gift from Dashiell. It was the most current edition of Bitch Planet. Samuel excitedly thanked Dashiell and started reading it right away.

  With gifts exchanged, we chatted about our finals, counselor meetings, and upcoming winter break plans. It was the perfect end to a stressful week.

  ✽✽✽

  After school I had a meeting with the head track coach, Coach Kelly. I texted James on the way.

  Me

  I forgot I have a meeting with coach k.

  not sure how long. don’t wait for me.

  text you when i get home.

  James

  ok. Katie and Beth are due home tonight, so I’ll

  wait for them to say hi and then come over.

  will you do some consensual hanging out tonight?

  James

  thinking about kissing you all day!!! you look so beautiful in that pic of us!!

  Me

  yes!!! I consent!!! I can’t wait!!!

  My meeting with Coach Kelly took longer than I expected. All the new team members were given an orientation and information packets, plus we had to give sizing for our uniforms. Nearly an hour later, we all left together, chatting excitedly about the start of the season.

  I quickly walked home eager to start my vacation. I wanted to spend some quality time with my parents and James and I was hoping the weather would cooperate so that I could do a few longer runs.

  I arrived quickly and walked into my house excited to officially start winter break, but once I was inside my heart dropped. My mom sat on the couch holding James and he was sobbing into her lap. She gave me a stern look and gestured for me to go to my room, so I did.

  Why was James so devastatingly sad? I needed to know. I tried to eavesdrop for a few minutes but couldn’t hear my mom as she whispered to him. I closed my bedroom door to give them the privacy my mom expected.

  I busied myself
with some tidying and folded and put away the laundry that my mom had thrown on my bed. Once finished, I sat on my bed trying to concentrate on reading to kill the time. My mind kept wandering to James and how upset he was.

  I heard the louder sound of my mom’s voice on the phone. I walked to the bathroom to take a shower and moved slowly trying to pick up hints of her conversation on the way there and back.

  I understand, but he’s 18. Legally he can make his own decisions…

  We’ll take full responsibility...yes, I will handle it…

  Tuesday would be great…

  Thanks, Dr. Kang. I appreciate it.

  I was unable to make sense of what I heard. I saw James lying on the couch and Beth was seated on the floor next to him stroking his hair. I returned to my room, closed the door again, and played a game on my phone and watched dog fail videos online to pass the time.

  Nearly two hours later, I heard the front door open and close. My mom knocked on my bedroom door. “Tati? May I come in?”

  “Yeah.”

  She cautiously entered and sat on my bed. Her eyes were puffy and I could tell she had been crying a lot. “I’m sorry for making you stay in here, but James really needed my help and we needed some privacy while we worked though some things.” She sighed and looked me in the eyes. “Tatiana, I need to talk some things over with you, ok?” I nervously nodded and she reached out to hold my hand. “James is going to live with us for a while.”

  “Live here? Why?” Tears fell down my mom’s cheeks. “Mom, what’s - what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Is something wrong with him?”

  Her brow furrowed as she looked me in the eyes. She took a steadying breath to try to fight back the tears, but they flowed down her face anyway. “Tatiana, James’ mom died today, sweetheart.”

  “She d-” Tears filled my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. “She died? Oh my god! What h- ... how did she ...”

  My mom let out a heavy strained breath. “She’d been binge drinking and has been taking a lot of pills on top of it. When James got home from school he found her.” My mom stopped herself and closed her eyes for a moment before continuing. “Tati, all you need to know is that it was awful and terrifying for him. He called 9-1-1 right away and then ran over here to get me … There was nothing anyone could do.”

  I sobbed and doubled over into my mom’s arms. “Mom, this is my fault! James was thinking she was on something again and he was so scared and I wanted him to talk to you, but he wouldn’t. Maybe if I had made him, she could’ve gotten help! I knew, mom, I knew and it’s all my fault!” My mom held me more tightly.

  “No,,Tatiana! No, this is NOT your fault. She had problems that we couldn’t have helped her with. She needed to go back into a medical rehab program. She shouldn’t have left the one she was in before Thanksgiving. It was too soon.

  “James and his sisters have been through this before with her, and they were in the process of planning another intervention with his grandparents. You couldn’t have helped with that and neither could we.” She gently stroked my hair. “You listened to him when he needed a friend. You did exactly the right thing. You cannot look back with a critical eye, Tati.”

  I looked up at my mom’s tear-stained face. “So what happens now?”

  She cleared her throat as she continued to smooth my hair. “James’ sisters are going to go to their grandparents’ house until the funeral – they’ll drive out tomorrow – but James asked his grandparents if he could stay with us until then. He needs a little space and protection from the drama and, fortunately, they understood.

  “I was also able to convince them that it would be the best thing for him to temporarily live with us so that he can finish his last semester of high school here where he is comfortable. Things may change once everything settles down, but for now that is the plan.” I sat up and faced my mom. “This is all happening quickly and it’s a lot to process – are you ok with this?”

  I nodded. “I guess. I just want him to be ok…I don’t know what to do to make it ok.”

  “Well, he is going to need his best friend to be there for him. He’ll be cycling through a lot of different emotions and if you can be there to listen, so he knows he’s not alone… that’s the best thing for you to do.

  “I’ve called a psychologist colleague, Dr. Kang, who’s agreed to have some sessions with him as a favor to me, but really, he is just going to need to know you have his back, ok? You may have to give him some space at first, though, Tati. Let him be the guide.” I nodded in understanding.

  She paused and put her hands on my face. “And you need to let me know if it gets too hard for you. We can get you some help, too, if you need it.” She put her arms around me and we cried together. My mind was spinning. I couldn’t believe he lost both his parents in a little over a year’s time. My heart ached for him.

  “Mom, what will happen to him with no parents?”

  “I don’t know, baby. We have to figure all this out as we go.”

  I stood up, “I should go see him! Maybe he needs me now!”

  Gently pulling me back down onto the bed, my mom whispered, “No, sweetheart. Not yet.” She wiped her face with her sleeves and stood up. “I’m going to head over to his house to help him pack and then I have to drive him and his sisters downtown to take care of a few things. We’ll probably be gone a couple hours. When we get back you can see if he wants company, but he may just want to try to sleep or be alone, ok? Don’t take it personally if he shuts you out for a bit. He needs some time to process everything.”

  “But mom, I want to help now. I’ll come with you. He needs me.”

  “No, Tatiana. This is not up for debate. You want to help, here’s how: please make up the guest bed while I’m gone. Make it really cozy with extra blankets and a few pillows, maybe even one of your stuffed bears. Bring out the sleeping bags, too, because his sisters may want to come stay for the night. Mamma will be home soon. She knows and is coming straight home as soon as she is out of surgery for the day.” I nodded as tears streamed down my face and onto my chest. “I love you, Tatiana.”

  My voice rasped, “I love you, too, mom. So so so much.” I jumped up and clung to her tightly burying my face in her neck. I didn’t want to let her go.

  14

  The first night that James stayed with us, he went into the guest room, closed the door, and didn’t come out again until the next day. I went to the door a few times during the night and knocked, but he knows that in our house a closed door means you need privacy, so I left him alone.

  Over next few days he alternated between sobbing and numbness. I sat with him, holding his hand and listening when he felt like talking, but that wasn’t often. My mom took him to see her psychologist friend, and he came back looking a bit calmer after that, but he was still a wreck.

  The night before we were all going to drive with him to his mom’s funeral, my door was open, and he came into my room. I was already in bed reading. He closed the door behind him and stood next to me.

  He whispered. “Tati, is this ok? I don’t want to be alone. Just to sleep.”

  “Yes.” He crawled into bed and I turned out the light and pulled the blankets up over us. I spooned him as he quietly cried himself to sleep. He sneaked back to his room early in the morning before I was awake.

  ✽✽✽

  James’ grandparents lived about three hours from us. Our family drove most of the way to the funeral in relative silence. I held his hand the whole way. The funeral service was short, and his family held a small reception at his grandparents’ house afterwards. James asked my parents if we could go home right after the service, but they compromised and told him he had to spend a half hour at the reception and then we could leave.

  It was two days until Christmas, and it was surreal to be in mourning surrounded by a dancing Santa, a nutcracker collection, and a giant tinseled Christmas tree. We four sat awkwardly with his sisters as strangers and extended family came up to hug them and offer condol
ences every few minutes.

  James moved away from me to sit next to my mom and she held him close. He cried as he begged her to go home and she finally agreed. He hugged his sisters and grandparents tightly before we left and we drove home.

  ✽✽✽

  Christmas wasn’t a really a thing in my house. My parents are atheists, but when I was little, I was interested in some of the traditions, so they started to do little things for me. We would hang an evergreen wreath on the door, but that was it for holiday decorations. A few times their friends or Dashiell’s family took me to church or temple, so that I could learn more about the different religions and make my own decisions; I still wasn’t sure what I believed, but I loved the warm cozy feeling of being around family during the holiday season. I wasn’t sure how James would feel about spending Christmas without his family, so I really wanted to make him feel at home here with me.

  It was Christmas eve, and I felt like it was up to me to cheer James up. I baked cookies, but James didn’t feel like eating. My parents and I lounged around most of the day reading, playing games, and listening to the radio, but James hid away in his room all day with the door closed. After dinner that night, my parents and I walked around the neighborhood to look at the houses that put up holiday light displays, but James stayed home. I felt like I failed to make him happier, but I understood.

  During the night, James had asked to sleep in bed with me again because he didn’t want to be alone. He hadn’t closed the door all the way, so in the morning my mamma knocked and walked in. She kneeled by the side of the bed I was facing and kissed my forehead to awaken me. “Hey, sleepyhead.”

  I stretched awake and looked at her and then checked on James behind me. He was lying face down with his head under his pillow. I looked back at my mamma and whispered, “Good morning.”