Within Reach

by Talie D. Hawkins

  april 5, 20202

  dear reader ,

  i had no intention of releasing this book yet.

  it’s not ready in the professional sense. it could use a little more editing and tlc, but given the state of the world right now, i decided to let it loose into the universe.

  i think we can all relate to jane at the moment in some weird sense. if nothing else, i hope it’s a little escape for anyone who happens upon it.

  take a breath, relax. be kind to yourself and to everyone else. we’re all going to get through this and everything will be ok.

  Chapter 1

  I always had a problem with paying attention in Chemistry. It wasn’t the subject matter. Once we got to work I was fine. It was the teacher, Ms. Moore. She spoke in a monotone and didn’t hide the fact that she only showed up for her paycheck. Most of my classmates used her class to catch up on social media. She did her part in showing up and some of us did ours by doing the labs and turning in the work. Luckily for me, I managed to keep an A in the class just from reading the text book.

  “We’ll begin our combustion reaction labs later this week and you’ll be paired up for this,” Ms. Moore said as she stared down at her grade book. She started to rattle off the names of my classmates and their partners and I started to doodle in my notebook until I heard my name. “Jane, you’ll be paired with Riley.” My head shot up as soon as I heard his name in the same sentence as mine.

  Riley Scott had a reputation at our school. His athletic frame, icy blue eyes, and jet black hair would have most girls doing all of the work for him just so they could get a flirty arch of one of his eyebrows. I closed my eyes and silently groaned because I knew it would be a shock to his system to have to share the workload.

  He walked straight over to my desk as soon as class was dismissed. I looked up at him as he towered over me and I could see why girls swooned. He was pretty to look at, but that was about all.

  “So, we should probably make a plan to start working on this,” he said as he stood there holding onto the straps of his backpack. “It’s just so hard to find free time with Lacrosse and student government. Are you good at this stuff?” The only thing he had forgotten to do was bat his eyelashes. I gathered up my things and stood up, meeting his gaze.

  “I’ll see you in the library after school,” I said and I could tell by the look on his face that it wasn’t the reaction he had hoped for.

  I had study hall for my next class which was actually just an hour for me to talk to my best friend Gwen. She and I were an unlikely pair, but she had been my best friend since kindergarten. Her blonde hair, hazel eyes, and long legs had earned her a spot in a modeling agency and most girls at our school either hated her or wanted to be her. Then you had me. Gwen’s nickname for me summed it up- Pixie. I was small in almost every way. People spoke about how delicate my features were, but one thing that wasn’t delicate was my red hair. It had a life of its own. I kept the red waves cut to my shoulder because anything longer would over power me, and most days I already felt like my green eyes did that.

  “So what is it today?” Gwen asked. She was referring to my latest doodle. I opened my notebook and showed her. I had written the words “Conventionality is not morality” in an elaborate script full of vines and shaded flowers. The Charlotte Bronte quote was just one of many I would write then turn into a work of art. Yesterday it was a quote from Peter Pan compete with pixie dust and stars. “This is so pretty,” she said as she traced the words.

  “Thank you!” I fished around in my army bag for a granola bar I was sure I had stashed in there, but I came up empty handed. Gwen broke off a chunk of the chocolate chip cookie she was eating and handed it to me. This is how we were- always able to communicate, even without words. I could tell by one look if she thought my outfit was atrocious. Today her smirk meant she approved of my black skater skirt, and my over-sized green tee shirt that drooped off of one shoulder. I wore my black combat boots in an attempt to look taller, but it didn’t help much.

  “Oh, hey! Guess what?” I asked with mock enthusiasm.

  “What?” she said as she looked through her notes.

  “Lucky little me. I got paired up with Riley Scott for our chem lab,” I said with sarcasm dripping from my words.

  “Ew. He’s a man-whore. He is hot though,” Gwen said in her lazy lilt.

  “Whatever. He’ll catch on that I’m not one of his mindless groupies who will do all the work without him. Riley might have to break a sweat for something besides Lacrosse.”

  “Wow. I kinda feel bad for him now,” Gwen joked.

  “Don’t. Not yet, anyway.”

  When I walked out of the room I saw Riley talking to some other players from his Lacrosse team. I took that moment to study him. People watching was something I did a lot. Interacting with people? Not so much. I was pretty shy for the most part, but I always said what was true. I wasn’t one to hold back and that surprised most people. People watching was much easier. I preferred being on the outside looking in. There was another reason it was easier this way. For as long as I could remember I had been able to tell how people were feeling. With one hug or handshake I could feel every emotion the other person is feeling. I didn’t learn that this had a name until recently, and only Gwen knew that I was an empath.

  She was always in my proximity which made it impossible to keep it a secret, so I didn’t even try. Her suspicions were confirmed early freshman year. We had had a third friend. Callie wasn’t as close to us. We had only just met during our first few weeks in high school, but she was like us- a little on the outside of all of the cliques. Given a chance, she probably could have been a cheerleader, but she would spend days in a dark mood. Her perky blonde ponytail and perfect make up couldn’t hide the sadness in her eyes. One day, close to Halloween, she approached me and did something she had never done. She hugged me. She held on tight and at first I tried to break free because what I was feeling was physically painful, but something took over and I hugged her back, almost knowing this would be the last time I saw Callie. She walked away without a word and I tried to desperately tell anyone who would listen that something was really wrong.

  Gwen was the only one who listened. She and I tried for hours to call Callie and we didn’t find out the news of her suicide until two days later at school. The feeling of helplessness was all consuming and I couldn’t eat or speak for days with the knowledge that I knew what was going to happen but I was unable to stop it.

  Gwen told me she understood. She just always knew and she was the one who decided we needed to look into it and see if it was common or not. We found groups of people who claimed to have the same ability on the internet and I was able to learn a few things. The ability is stronger with people you care about, and if you’re worried for someone it can be consuming. What I hadn’t figured out was how to act normal and live with it.

  I was lost in thought as I watched Riley slap a teammate on the back and he busted me when that teammate pointed to me (clearly because I was staring) and made Riley turn around. A cocky smirk spread across his face and he walked over to where I was.

  “Still on for after school?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

  I nodded yes because words had escaped me.

  “Cool,” was all he said before he walked away. Getting tongue tied wasn’t one of my problems and I was bewildered by what just happened.

  “Jane!” someone called with a pat on my shoulder that caused me to jump. “Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you,” Chris said. Chris shared a few classes with me and always found some reason to talk to me. Each time, he would pat me on the back or nudge me with his elbow, and each time I would cringe a little at what I felt. He always gave off that he was a little nervous and a little too exci
ted when he was around me.

  “It’s okay. What’s up?” I said as I tried to shake off what I just felt.

  “I’m having a party Friday. You and Gwen should go,” he said as he stood there with his hands in his pockets. I was glad they were hidden. I literally felt how nervous he had been about asking me and I didn’t want to hurt his ego.

  “Yeah, let me see what’s going on. I’ll let you know.” It wasn’t a yes and it wasn’t a no.

  “Okay, I’ll see you in a few.” I took a sigh of relief when he walked away and when I turned around I caught Riley staring. It was his turn to be busted. He looked down at the ground with a smile and tried to play it off. I shook my head and gave him this one because I had a class to get to.

  Riley was late to the library and he looked a little frustrated as he took out his lab notes and sat down.

  “So where do we start?” His tone was all business with no hint of the flirt he usually was.

  “Well, we need to come up with a combustion experiment. I looked up a few.” I set my laptop on the table and scrolled through some of our options. I glanced up and noticed that he wasn’t paying any attention. He was staring off in the distance and deep in thought about something else. “Hey! Look, I don’t want to be here either, so don’t assume I’m doing all of the work for this experiment.” I tried to sound as assertive as possible. Riley slowly looked over and met my eyes. His smirk was back now.

  “Though she be but little, she is fierce!” he said, shocking me with the fact that he could quote Shakespeare. I wrinkled my nose in confusion and tried to get my thoughts back on track.

  “Right. Keep that in mind if you think I’m doing your half of the work too.” This earned me a sincere laugh from Riley and his focus too.

  “What about the ‘whoosh bottle experiment’? It’s a little risky, but we could hack it.” My message had been read loud and clear and now I had his attention. We worked on our plans and I was pleasantly surprised to see there was a brain behind his good looks and charm.

  “Crud!” I said when I saw the time on my phone. “I have to get to work.”

  “Okay little imp. When do we work get together again?”

  I took a long pause and looked at him like he had lost his mind.

  “Did you just call me an imp?” I didn’t wait for an answer and left him with an all too satisfied smile across his face.

  Chapter 2

  I got to Sacred Grounds, the coffee house and cafe I worked at, only seconds before being late. I tied my apron as I clocked in and traded spots with Zane, the barista who had the shift before me.

  “You were almost late, Janey. Don’t cut it so close,” my boss (and the owner) Max said.

  “Ah, but almost indicates that I wasn’t late, so this conversation is super unnecessary,” I teased. Max just rolled her eyes at me and walked away. We had a different sort of boss/employee relationship. Max was like a mom to me since I didn’t have an actual mother. Mine had passed away when I was a baby and my dad did the best he could, but there were some things a girl needed and could only get from a mother figure.

  “If I talked to her that way she would sack me,” Zane complained, as he tied his blonde hair into a bun.

  My only response was to stick my tongue out at him.

  “Check in with your dad. He called a bit ago,” Max yelled from the kitchen. Max seemed tough on the outside but she had a soft spot for people with a sad story and she looped me into that category, even though I never felt sorry for myself. She was an aging goth who wore black every day and didn’t fuss with her long, white hair, but she made sure she never left the house without perfect cat eyes and red lips.

  That soft spot extended to my dad. He had done his best to raise me on his own, and it was tough. We had no extended family. No grandparents, aunts, or uncles. Just us and each time he hugged me or tucked me in I could feel how hard it was on him. It was a melancholy mix of feelings that made my heart ache for him each time he touched me. There would always be a hint of sorrow, even in the happiest moments, because I was a constant reminder of how much he missed my mom.

  For a while I withdrew and became an impossible teen who always wanted to be alone. At least, that’s what he thought. The truth was that I couldn’t take the intensity of what he was feeling all of the time, but one day I decided to suck it up and look at it differently. He loved my mom and the bittersweet feelings were something he’d rather have than never knowing her at all. I decided at some point to be strong for him. He needed me when he was at his worst and I would be there no matter how hard it was.

  My shift was the slow shift. Most of the customers came earlier in the day for their caffeine fix and the few stragglers who came in at night didn’t order much more than decaf, which made my workload easy.

  Gwen popped in to see me just before we closed and the few people at the tables all stopped and stared at her when she walked in. That usually happened when she walked in a room. She managed to make her faded boyfriend jeans and white tee shirt look elegant somehow.

  “There you are! I need to stay awake, and cool off. Can I have something iced?” she asked.

  “Is it still miserable out?”

  “Yep. October in the desert. Everyone is cooling off and we’re still in the triple digits,” she complained. “I want my clothes,” she said with longing. “I want my leggings and over-sized sweaters. And my coats. I miss my coats,” she said in a dreamy voice.

  “Well, you live in Phoenix Arizona. You can have all of that in about a month.” She made a pouty face and took the icy drink I was handing her. We both turned when we heard the shop bell ring. “What’s he doing here?” She asked when she spotted Chris at the entrance.

  “Crap! I forgot. He invited us to a party Friday.”

  She glanced back at me with an arched eyebrow and grin. “Oh really,” she said, sounding a little too pleased. “Hi Chris! We’ll be there Friday,” she blurted out before I could stop her.

  “Dammit Gwen!” I said under my breath. “You know I hate parties.” I gave her my best pleading look. She was leaning casually on the counter when Chris came over.

  “Awesome. It’ll be pretty cool. I think I scored a keg.”

  “Oh. Yay,” I said, trying not to sound too sarcastic. “Um, did you need to order?”

  “Nah, I’m cool. See you at school,” he said just before he left.

  “What the hell was that?” I asked once he was out of earshot.

  “He likes you,” Gwen teased.

  “Go home.”

  “Bye,” she said, holding her cup up.

  I started cleaning after she left and bussed a few tables that were still dirty. I heard the shop bell ring and assumed it would be Gwen again.

  “We’re closed now. Go home freeloader,” I said without turning around.

  “Geez, the customers must keep coming back for your charming attitude,” a familiar voice (that did not belong to Gwen) said.

  “Riley,” I said in surprise. “What are you doing here?” I asked as I wiped my hands on the towel I was holding.

  “I realized I didn’t have your number.” I gave him a look that told him I was still lost. “We never set up a time to work, and I have some stuff going on so I needed to know.”

  “And it couldn’t wait until you saw me at school?”

  “Nope. So I asked around and found out you work here,” he said as he took in the shop’s eccentric and somewhat dark charm. “Is that a gargoyle on the shelf?” He said, as he squinted up at the dark decor of the coffee shop.

  “Yes, and does tomorrow work?”

  “Yep. Same time?”

  “Yeah. I gotta lock up. Did you need anything else?”

  “Who’s walking you out?” He looked around for someone else working with me, but Max went home halfway through my shift and it was just me.

  “Pardon?”

  “It’s dark. I’ll stay until you’re done and I’ll walk you to your car.”

  “Um, I do this al
l the time. I’ll be fine. I have pepper spray.”

  “I’ll stay. If something happens to you I have to do your half of the chemistry project.” He was joking but something about his tone told me there would be no arguing. It was rare that I could be around someone who radiated their emotions enough to make me feel them with no touch, especially someone I hardly knew, but I could feel a sincere worry coming from Riley, so I humored him. I put away the last few things and grabbed my stuff as he waited. Once I was done he watched me lock up then walked me to my car.

  “See? Now you won’t have to finish that project all alone. I’ll see you tomorrow, and..thanks,” I said as I got in my car.

  “Bye little imp.” He patted the roof of my car before he walked away.

  “Imp?” I mumbled to myself.

  My dad was still up when I got home. He was sitting on the couch watching the sport highlights on t.v. with a beer in his hand.

  “Hey,” I said as a greeting.

  “Hey, Janey. There’s some pizza in the oven.”

  “I’m good. I ate a sandwich and some soup at work.”

  “Damn,” he said as he rubbed his eyes. “Will it ever cool off?” The heat was extra brutal on my dad because of his job. He was a road construction worker with the city and his job had him out in the sun all day.

  “We’re in the home stretch,” I said in an attempt to reassure him.

  “I’m gonna head to bed. Goodnight baby girl,” he said with a kiss on top of my head.

  I cleaned up a little before I headed up to my own room. The sight of my aqua blue walls was comforting. I flopped backwards on my bed and looked up at the quote I had painted on my ceiling. “We need never be ashamed of our tears” from the Dickens novel Great Expectations was spelled out in black cursive and surrounded by droplets I had painted in gray and blue. It was a reminder to me that most people hid their true emotions because the bad ones were something we were all taught to be ashamed of.