Just Breathe

by Heather Allen

  “I was supposed to stay away. I wasn’t supposed to get involved with you.”

  At this point my mouth drops open not understanding a word he is saying.

  “What?” I ask dumbfounded.

  He steps forward until his face is so close I can smell his sweet breath and fresh boy scent.

  He says, “I was not the best um person for this because I can’t stay away from you.”

  And he takes a deep breath like he’s in pain and turns around walking in the other direction. I don’t know what to do. I’m a little creeped out but he’s walking away with answers to my questions. I’ve gotten a glimpse of happiness again and I don’t want it to go away.

  “Wait don’t go.” I plead.

  He keeps walking with slouched shoulders as if the conversation has defeated him.

  I take a step after him and request, “Hey, What about that race? I thought you were going to beat me.”

  I stand still and wait. After a moment he stops. I sigh. At least I got his attention. He turns after a full minute and a smile plays at the corner of his lips.

  The blue creeps back into his eyes as he walks back slowly, “I’ll race you but you’ll be sorry.”

  “Really?” A smile spreads across my lips.

  I set my towel down and wade into the water. He peels off his shirt and of course my heart skips. Lanky would not be the word to describe him. Actually the opposite, he is so muscular and solid. It takes my breath away to look at him. I turn back the other way embarrassed to be gawking.

  We stand there looking at each other in knee deep water.

  He leans over and challenges, “Ready, on your mark, get set, go”

  We both take off. I think I’m keeping a good pace when he starts to pass me half way across the lake. It doesn’t even look like he’s putting forth any effort. My arms and legs push harder with each stroke and kick. I’m gaining but he must notice because he starts speeding up. Whoa, this one’s fast. We reach the other bank. He beats me by about five feet. I climb up the bank and land on my back next to him. We are both looking up at the sky. Our shoulders touch and that familiar spark radiates down my arm. This time I don’t pull my shoulder away. I become aware that the initial shock of electricity doesn’t stay. It tingles for a moment before warmth spreads from the spot where we touched. So his eyes and his touch, interesting and more mysterious than ever.

  He turns his face toward mine and I can smell his fresh scent again, it’s almost like I imagine the ocean smells, so intoxicating. My eyes close, listening as our breathing evens out.

  He whispers, “I told you I’d win. You need to practice some more.”

  I open my eyes and see his taunting grin.

  I stand up and start running back to the water.

  “Oh yeah, well best out of three,” I call out to him.

  He makes a splash as he dives in after me. This time I know what I’m up against so I push myself as hard as I can. A glance to the side tells me he hasn’t caught up yet. I keep going and reach the bank about three feet ahead of him. Ha! Take that. Practice more, my butt.

  He climbs the bank smiling and complaining, “You cheated.”

  I shake my head, “Nope, you lost fair and square.”

  It feels so good to be smiling again.

  We lay on the bank basking in the setting sun.

  I ask, “So are you getting to know your way around Pahrump?”

  “It’s starting to grow on me. How long have you lived here?”

  I close my eyes again as my body relaxes and tell him, “We’ve lived here since I was in fifth grade. That is when I met Gabbi.”

  He seems relaxed as he requests, “Tell me about her.”

  The rest of the afternoon pretty much follows this pattern. He asks all about my family and friends. I do most of the talking afraid to ask him about himself. The last thing I want to do is scare him away. If Jack is my way of coping these days, so be it. I resolve that the answers to my questions will probably come, in time. I can wait.

  8

  Dreams

  That night I wake up at three o’clock again from another dream; I’m at the lake again and I’m being chased but it doesn’t feel like I’m alone. It feels as if someone is running beside me but I can’t seem to turn my head to see who it is. My chest heaves for a breath but I can’t seem to get any air. As soon as I gasp, a hand grabs my arm yelling,”Gotcha!”

  I sit straight up in bed. The desperate thirst is there again. It feels as if I ran across the desert.

  I clop down to get a glass of water and James is sitting at the kitchen table. He jumps when I walk in. I must have startled him.

  “Sorry.” I mumble.

  “I’m just down for a glass of water. Why are you down here?”

  He looks up,whoa, hello circles under the eyes.

  “I couldn’t sleep.”

  I sit down across from him with my water and ask, “Are you sure you are alright?”

  He shrugs his shoulders. The infamous Harding shrug.

  I continue, “Did you end up talking to dad?”

  He looks squeamish suddenly and answers, “Not exactly.”

  Okay, mysterious new friend, mysterious brother, what is going on with my life?

  “Well if there is anything I can do James, please let me know.”

  He shakes his head, gets up and says goodnight. Note to self, discuss brother’s behavior with the parental figures.

  Back in my room I wrestle with whether to venture back to sleep. These dreams seem to exhaust me. That’s different, wake up exhausted after sleeping. However, no circles under the eyes is more appealing so I collapse hoping for sound sleep.

  My alarm sings at six thirty on the dot and again I'm thankful for a dreamless night.

  The thought of Jack at school seems to rush along my morning routine. His name brings a smile to my lips and a tingle in my belly.

  My wardrobe has brightened a little. Today warrants a flowery, yellow top with my jeans and an actual headband. I have been anti-hair accessories since my mom tried to force them on me in the third grade. I’m feeling, different, better.

  Finding a spot for the jeep in the lot, I immediately notice the yellow car. This brings another smile which is a record for the day already. Gabbi runs up before I can even check to see if Jack is by his car. She has brilliant news judging by the vibrance of her ensemble, pink pants and a multi-colored top with her ever present smile.

  “Ever, Ever you will never guess what happened.” She giggles out of breath.

  I look at her expectantly.

  “He kissed me, Reggie kissed me!”

  A huge grin reaches my lips. She has been waiting for this for the better part of two years now. I give her a big hug and do the giggly girl thing. A glance past her brings Jack into my line of vision. He is staring at me but not with a smile. His mouth is downturned almost frowning and I can see that his eyes are green again. I have to get to the bottom of this.

  “Hey Gabbi, we should go to class before we’re late.”

  She agrees, “I just can’t believe it, can you?”

  My genuine smile tells her I am thrilled for her. We part and head in opposite directions. Before I reach the doors leading into the building, Jack grabs my arm and pulls me around the corner of the building. This startles me. I didn’t even see him waiting there. The shock resonates on my arm as his grasp tightens and warmth spreads.

  I look up at him and see the green in his eyes. Suddenly it hits me. His eyes are always clear blue when he is happy and in a good mood. The green seems to sink in and change when his mood goes down. Wow, talk about mood swings.

  He whispers with urgency, “Ever, we have to get out of here.”

  I stammer, “But we didn’t even go to our first class yet. Why?”

  He starts walking in the direction of the park on the other side of the building dragging me behind him. He keeps glancing behind us as if someone is back there. I look back and there are only students going
to class, where I should be going. My parents trust me because I always do what is expected of me. I’ve earned that trust. Skipping class without a reason makes me feel really uneasy and untrustworthy.

  I stop planting my feet in one spot causing Jack to stumble. He releases his grasp on my arm and catches himself before he falls. He pleads with those beautiful but concerned green eyes, “Come on Ever, please trust me.”

  There is that word, I was just thinking about trust.

  I cross my arms and shrug, “Not until you start answering some of my questions.”

  He looks around nervously. “Okay we will talk but not here. It isn’t safe.”

  I look around and see no one. Now I’m starting to get concerned and my heart is starting to beat faster. Maybe it isn’t safe to be alone with him.

  I reason that I really don’t know a whole lot about him and ask reluctantly, “Okay where are we going?”

  He looks around again and blue creeps back into his eyes. “Just across the street to the park,” he adds, “To talk.”

  We walk silently. He seems a lot more relaxed now than he was a minute ago.

  Talk about whiplash of the moods.

  As we approach the park he still looks a little bit uneasy while glancing around for what, I have no clue. We sit on a bench and he looks into my eyes. Whoa, totally clear and blue. The warmth spreads through me.

  He grabs my hand causing shock and warmth all at once and directs, “Hit me with the questions.”

  At this point, my brain is mush. What did I want to know again? I can’t think clearly looking into those eyes. I look away and gather my thoughts.

  After a couple of minutes I look up at him and start slowly, “Okay, first off tell me why I am not in World History right now listening to Mr. Griggs drone on about the Civil War?”

  He looks around for the umpteenth time and answers, “It is really complicated and now is not the best time or place to go into great detail. Let’s just say there was someone hanging around the parking lot watching you this morning.”

  I shrug again, “Jack, if you haven’t noticed we are high school students and that’s what everyone does. They watch each other so they have something to talk about.”

  He doesn’t look amused and I get the feeling he wasn’t thinking about anyone we go to school with.

  I shrug and state, “Well aren’t you a little paranoid today.”

  He smirks, “You have no idea.”

  I sigh, “I am trying to get an idea but you are so cryptic.”

  He just stares at me with no response. Great. Moving on…

  “Okay next question, why are you always at the lake when I am? Are you stalking me?” I grin hoping to lighten the mood.

  He smiles and answers, “No I am not stalking you. At least not in the way you think. I live over by the lake and go there after school to take a break.”

  I look around, “Oh”

  That was an easy one. We’re getting somewhere now.

  I approach the next one with a little uneasiness, “Why do your eyes change colors and why didn’t you come to biology yesterday?

  He doesn’t answer right away. He looks like he is having an inner monologue about what to tell me.

  Finally he responds, “First of all that’s two questions but I will answer both of them. I missed biology yesterday because I was needed at home.”

  Never heard the home word from Jack, I was wondering.

  He continues, “My eyes change colors according to my mood. It kind of runs in my family.”

  He gives me that adorable half smile.

  I grin back and tell him, “I kind of figured that one out with your erratic mood changes. That’s um, different. I’ve never heard of that.”

  He nods glancing around again, “I know it’s strange but others in my family have the same trait.”

  At this point, I am ready to lay it all out there and ask some questions that I know will make him squirm but he stands up. I frown at him because I’m not done.

  Before I can say anything else he states, “Okay, time to go. Let’s head to class now.”

  I’m so confused, “I thought we weren’t safe.”

  He offers his hand to help me up but I refuse crossing my arms.

  He chuckles, “Ever, you are so stubborn. You are safe now. The person watching you is gone.”

  I relax a little and point at him, “You aren’t done answering my questions.”

  He smirks and offers his hand again. I take it this time. As I stand up he turns me toward him to look me straight in the eyes that vast blue like the ocean. I think I’m going to faint.

  “Ever, I know we aren’t finished talking and I will gladly answer all of your questions, soon.”

  All I can do is nod. He takes my hand and leads me back in the direction of school.

  ***

  I’m running along the lake again and I trip but someone catches my arm before I can fall. I glance over and Jack is running alongside me. His eyes are cloudy green and worried, almost like he’s in pain. We come to a stop at the edge of a cliff and I wake up gasping out of breath.

  That one was interesting. So now Jack is in my dreams. That’s a nice change but I’ve never seen him look so sad. My heart hangs.

  I trek down the stairs for water. This time I’m alone in the kitchen and I opt for sleep over circles.

  9

  Parents

  Unfortunately, sleep didn’t trump the circles this time. I woke up one more time from the same dream except this time we jumped off the cliff. So glad I didn’t stay in that one to see how it ended.

  My wardrobe is back to the usual drab jeans and dark blue. Tired but not depressed is the difference though. I am really looking forward to seeing Jack today. Just hoping he doesn’t have any more paranoid delusions.

  My cell phone rings on my way to school and it’s Gam-aw. Oops, I forgot to call her about the birthday. She wants to know what I have planned. I tell her I’m not sure because it is still a month away. She is shocked telling me that this is a big one and I should really celebrate. I brush her off because it’s just another birthday. I tell her to call my mom to make a plan. I will go along with whatever they decide. She consents and tells me to keep in touch.

  I pull into a spot and watch as Jack walks across the lot to greet me. A smile creeps to my lips. I think I am really falling for this guy and I haven’t even known him for a month. Slow down, Ever, or heartbreak will come your way. That’s my warning voice which I choose not to listen to.

  Jack walks up and greets me, “Good morning.”

  Smile… blue eyes… I’m melting.

  I smile shyly and say “It’s definitely good now.”

  He grins but I can see some green seep into his eyes. He seems to have some kind of inner conflict.

  We walk to class laughing about our next race at the lake. I tell him I can’t make it out there today because I have to discuss my troubled brother with my parents. His eyes cloud up like in my dream when I mention my brother. He smiles to hide it but I know I saw it.

  Then Mr. Griggs walks in. We won’t be able to really talk again until biology, that is, if he shows up today.

  In third period, Gabbi asks how things are going. I think it’s obvious Jack has been a good thing for me.

  She tells me, “You look so much brighter these days.”

  I nod.

  She gives me her warning again, “Just be careful girl. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

  I don’t even acknowledge her. I know she means well and she’s been with me since fifth grade but I am really digging Jack and I don’t want anything to put a damper on my new improved mood.

  I change the subject, “How is Reggie?”

  She brightens gushing, “Great, guess what?”

  “He is taking me to the movies on Friday night for a real date.”

  I laugh, “Well it’s about time. That sounds like fun.”

  Then she suggests that maybe Jack a
nd I can go too. This brings to light that we really haven’t done anything planned together. I really only see him at school or unplanned at the lake.

  The idea appeals to me so I tell Gabbi, “I’ll ask him if he wants to go.”

  Making the decision for myself that this will really define what this whole thing between us is, if anything.

  Biology has become the best part of the day for me. First, it’s the last class of the day, science which I love, and Jack, three stars in my book.

  As class ends he walks me to the jeep.

  He asks nervously before I get in, “Would you like to take a trip to the beach with me this weekend?”

  I glance at him with a smirk like he is joking but he looks dead serious.

  “I’ve never been to the beach and truthfully I'm not sure my parents will approve.”

  Then it occurs to me and I ask, “Isn’t it like a day- long drive?”

  He laughs, “Not quite, a few hours is all.”

  I like the idea so I reason, “Why don’t you come for Friday night dinner so my parents can make sure you’re a good guy.”

  He nods.

  I quickly add, “Then maybe we can catch a movie with Gabbi and Reggie.”

  He smiles, “Sounds like a plan.”

  I drive home and gather my thoughts for my talk with my parents about James. I know he would be upset with me, knowing I was going behind his back but I’m worried about him and his erratic moodiness.

  When I get home I have time to kill but not enough to go and swim so I sit at the computer. No emails, but a thought suddenly grabs me.

  I type Jack Tanner in the search box almost absentmindedly and press enter. Not sure I want to know what it will turn up. The search is over and the results are many. I scan them:

  Jack Tanner lawyer in Florida-no.

  Jack Tanner artist in Maine-no.

  Third one down- Jack Tanner – LA Times- High School Student Stalks Cheerleader and Destroys School Property.

  I click on it wincing and telling myself that it doesn’t matter; he’s a good guy and whatever happened in the past stays in the past.

  The article reads like a synopsis of a story with quotes from students and faculty members: Apparently, Jack Tanner a student attending LA High transferred in from another school and about a month later he wouldn’t leave a cheerleader alone after she asked him multiple times to stop harassing her. Additionally, the gym was completely destroyed from a flood of water. The damages were in the thousands of dollars. The witness accounts were only about the stalking. No one had a first- hand account of what actually happened in the gym. Some witnesses saw him leaving the damaged scene.